I can be the center of attention
But be absent.
Emotionless.
Empty.
All I am is a husk.
But no one knows.
I'm good at make believe.
Hiding my emotions
So that when,
Not if, when,
They leave
No one is the wiser.
And no one cares
About my absence.

Why do we believe?

We don't know.
We have no proof.
We just believe
Because belief begets reward.

History is lost.
Lives are destroyed.
But we call it a victory
Because there's more of them dead.

If you say you believe
Then why do you uproot?
They believe too.
Just a different version.

Why believe
If belief begets conflict?

So I don't.

Let's get one thing straight.
I'm not an organized person.
Which is why it's there.
A calendar that reads January.
There's 4 days left of July.
I think I'll leave it.
A memento.
Of the beginning.
This year or the next phase of life.
But time is running out.
It'll be gone soon.
At least come next year.
And then it will be the end.
Of January in July.

I don't know.
Should I?
Maybe.

Fear is powerful.
Experience is too.
Both say no.

But there is always hope.
Hope fuels progress.
Hope says yes.

It's two to one.
I trust the two more anyway.
But still,

Should I?

Do I know?
Know what?
Myself?
My friends?
Who I am?

I don't know.

Do they know?
Understand?
Pity me?
Praise me?
Know me?

I hope not.

What do I feel?
How much do I feel?
Am I broken?
Am I whole?
Am I even still here?

I can only hope to know.

Tick tock
Tick tock
Don't let
The clock stop.

Ding ****
Ding ****
Time's up
You don't have long.

**** ****
**** ****
The church bells toll
They play YOUR song.

Breath sigh
Breath sigh
Someday soon
We all will die.

Why am I still awake?
Cause I'm paranoid.
I have to be awake in 5-6 hours.
Normal amount of sleep.
Why am I writing?
And why on HePo?
Am I bored?
I should sleep.
I might make this a series.
No. Don't bother.
People won't want to read this.
People don't typically like me.
They sure as hell don't get me.
How can they?
I don't even understand,
Sometimes,
My own thoughts.
And since the a/c just cut off
The world got deafeningly quiet.
Painfully so.
I hate the quiet.
They start screaming.
They don't like to talk.
They just yell.
Make noise.
I'll have to ignore them.
Likely.
Likely likely likely.
I qualify for almost everything.
Except for substance.
But no one knows.
They can't see the symptoms.
I've gotten good at hiding them.
Good at pushing others away.
I've had a couple years to practice.
I should get something to drink.
Water maybe.
I don't want to wake them though.
Maybe they won't.
And it's a legitimate excuse.
They won't really care.
I should be listening to music.
Why wasn't I?
Did I really not think of it?
Did I forget?
Why did I only just notice this?
Doesn't matter.
I'll be asleep soon.
I won't want the music.