and her mind wanders
she tends to think about
something that happened
5 years ago, or something
that happened 2 hours ago
or something that could happen
10 years from now,
her mind is like a hurricane
it's a wreck
it's full of beautiful yet
awful thoughts
it's 1 AM and her mind
continues to wander

There are two types of love


There's the kindd you find
In good morning texts and shy smiles
The kind that comes with
Butterflies and stolen glances
The kind
Where you laugh for no reason
And a smile is forever glued to your face
Sweet, simple, honest, pure.


And then there's


The kind that finds you
In 2 am phone calls
And the tears on your pillow
The kind that come with
A war between your brain and heart
The kind where
Nothing makes you happier
And nothing makes you sadder
Passionate, overwhelming, intense, daring
And when it all comes crashing down
So
Do
You.

It's 3:13 AM on a Saturday morning
I've just told you that I love you
Because they say that
You're most truthful
At 3AM because.. Well I don't know

I called you at 2:58 AM
I confessed my love to you
At 3:03, I ended my call
At 3:12 I sent it over and over

I honestly don't know
What made me do it
Fate, infatuation, lust?
I really don't know, but What I do know
Is that you make me feel some way

Kinda like when you see your
Food coming at your favorite restaurant
Or Christmas morning when your
7 years old and not being able
To hide your excitement

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe it's sleepiness
Sleep deprivation does things to you
But I don't care because
It feels really good to write about
Something other than pain
At 3:24 AM

It's 4 am
Your perfume is on
Everything, on me.
On all the world - you
Are all around, you
Are all of my tattered
Senses and no poetry
No song, no writing,
Nothing in the world,
Will make this better

I've been told
That people in the army
Do more by 7:00am
Than I do
In an entire day
But if I wake at 6:59am
And turn to you
To trace the outline of your lips
With mine
I will have done enough
And killed no one
In the process

Smile brighter to cover the pain
Go ahead. Act like life is all just
A big game.
Laugh harder to hide your shame
Don't let them know you're going
Insane.

They might try to fix you
When we both know
You'll never be the same

I always thought
that I was never handsome enough
or skinny enough
I always thought that I laughed too loudly
and that I should have daintier hands
or a gap between my thighs
that my hair didn't always
fall perfectly
and that I was way too sensitive
when it came to sad movies or rejection
I always thought that when the world
saw me these were all the flaws pointed out
but no the world doesn't see me that way
the only one that saw me that way was you

depression is a puzzle
they give you an illustration
of what it's meant to resemble
but when you take the pieces
out of the box
they're all scrambled up
no where they're supposed to be
it takes time
to put the pieces back together
because sometimes the pieces
don't fit where you want them to
but you soon grasp that
that's not where they were meant to be
once your puzzle is complete
you admire it for a little bit
then you detach the pieces
then start a new one
that's what depression is
it's a puzzle

I can't seem to put it in a poetic way
how she broke me
how she forever turned me cold
all I can come up with is that
I was her piece of art
her favorite,
then she noticed a mistake
and threw me away
then started again on another canvas.

they said we were a splendid storm
but they didn't even know
that I was just the soundtrack
to the places that you would go
our rain was not renewal
it was things falling apart
it was tear drop shaped reminders
it takes more to stop than to start
you were lightening I was thunder
always one second late
stumbling through the soggy sky
as I called for you to wait
but you made sure your light shows
always left them numb and blind
so my cries were distant mumbles
as I fell further behind

there was a time when
things were so good
and you were happy

you wonder how things got so bad
then you blame yourself
you hate yourself
you cannot control the pain
and you mark your body
with little slit like tally marks

but you desire to fix yourself
you want things to be better

you are trying but things take time
you must be patient
and you must learn from your mistakes
before you can fix yourself

it is a process

There was a creaking in her attic
The kind that settles in your bones,
Makes your heart flee when you have the thought.
Of facing it alone
Her mind made it an object
With each creak sending her numb
Like noise possessed a pair of hands
Wrapped tight around each lung
The world told her to fear it
"There's nothing good in the unknown"
And she wondered if they had ever faced,
The creaking of their own.
So she built herself a ladder
From the thoughts that screamed to stop
And she climbed it to the darkness
Waiting at the very top,
There inside her attic
Prepared to fight it to her death,
Her fingers shook against the switch
And fear gripped at her breath
As the light flickered above her,
Not a monster was in view
But a group of dreams she'd dare not have
In fear they'd not come true
The creaking in her attic
Had been a plea into her heart
A dare to face the unknown
And release them from the dark
Because you won't encounter freedom
If you give into your fright
Sometimes the bravest thing you'll ever do
Is just turn on the light.

and when I lie awake
At 3 AM
Tossing and turning
And hear my phone vibrate
I fight the tired feeling of
Checking it
To see who the message was from
Only to have tears streaming
Down my face
Down my cheeks
From my red and sleep deprived eyes
Because it wasn't from you
It's never from you anymore

I think I finally figured out
Why I have a deep love for balloons
as a child my mom only let me have
Them on rare family occasions
They were only seen at birthday parties
Or holiday celebrations
As a child I was happy.
As a teenager in high school
My mother didn't care weather I had them or not
I had a job
I was making my own money
So I bought my own balloons
Almost every week
As a teenager I am not happy.
The thing about balloons is
They can fly away at any given moment
They can go soaring way up
High in the sky when ever someone lets them go
Once you let go, you'll never be able
To grab that balloon again
And that's something I wish I could do
I just want to fly away and never come back again.

at first her blue eyes
reminded me of innocence
I was so hopelessly in love
her; she was my everything, the only
person I trusted
then one day a switch flipped
and she didn't love me anymore
now her blue eyes just remind
me of sadness and pain

I want you
To undress
Your heart,
And show me
How much
It hurts,
So that
I can show you
How I intend
To make it stop.

I think
She's caught
Between who
She is
And who she
Wants to be

as humans we are like chameleons
in that. depending on
what's put in front of us
we change
what you want today
you might want tomorrow
and the beautiful thing is that,
that is okay
you grow, you change, you adapt
don't let today define your tomorrow
you have to let go of the edge
you cling to in order to fly

Suicide is the only thing
That you can control
In your life
And that's why it's considered a sin
Because your beating God
At his own game

Depression is a war
A battle against yourself,
Every thought is a bullet,
Every movement is a punch.
Every word is a stab in the heart,
Depression is a thief
It steals everything you once had
Everything left behind is the things
that keep you trapped
Depression is a ******
It killed the boy I use to be
I look in the mirror,
And I see this thing
Depression is a zombie.
You aren't alive but you're alive
But you're unaware of what's happening
You're the walking dead
Depression is a nightmare
You wake up into hell
You're afraid of living.
Everything seems impossible to bear.
Depression is an ocean.
A sea of emotions
You're drowning everyday
However you're never saved
Depression is a bottomless pit.
Never ending pain,
Never ending struggles
There is no light
There is no escape
depression is a war.
A constant battles within
Yourself
I think I might surrender for I had enough
Depression is a war
You either win
Or you die trying
And I'm afraid to say I'm losing..

she'd learnt to keep a shallow mind
so people didn't have to swim
and it led them all to think they knew
the thoughts she held within
but below the wading pool she made
was a world left unexplored
an ocean of her feelings
hidden under the pools floor
the waters turned to blackness
where not even she had dared to go
stretching from behind her eyes
to the ends of all her toes
she didn't want to dive right down
and find what lay hidden there
because she knew with all deep water
came a deadly lack of air
but she didn't foresee the lonely boy
who found a crack in her cement
broke free of her wading pool
and into the darkness he went
he told her not to fear her thoughts
as he took her by the hand
and swam with her to places
that their lungs could not withstand
in their newfound love they both forgot
the importance of their breath
and interwoven in the world they found
they both drowned in its depths

Normal kids go to sleep
Before 11
The slackers go to bed
After 12
The broken kids
Stay up all night with there
Headphones in staring at
The vast nothing
Because their minds at never at rest
Their tired physically and emotionally
But
Peace will never reach their soul
So I'm those very moments in between
Hating how
Sad and broken they feel
Between hating life
They wish, they pray, dream for that moment
Where peace will sweep over their mind
And in the midst of it all
When they finally drift into the nothing of their minds will finally be at rest
Just to start the chaos in the morning
To another depressing day.

I don't know why
We drifted apart
But we did
And I regret it

I want us to be friends again,
The way we use to

I want us to stay up all night
Talking about what's on our heart
Because no one can make me
Feel as comfortable as you
And no one has won
My trust, the way
You still do

I think I hit
The point in life
Where
I'm just done

I cried
I fought
I tried

But everything is crashing down

My demons
They are screaming louder
Trying to eat away
At the rest of me

And this time
I'm not going
To fight back

If there's empty spaces in your heart
They'll make you think it's wrong
Like having empty spaces
Means you can never be strong
But I've learnt that all these spaces
Means there's room to grow
And the people that once filled them
We're always meant to be let go
And all these Empty spaces
Create a strange sort of pull
That attract so many people
You wouldn't meet if they were full
So if you're made of empty spaces
Don't ever think it's wrong
Because maybe they're just empty
Until the right person comes along

It is sad
That some
People
Aren't waiting
For their
Happy Ending
Anymore.


They are
Just
Waiting for
The end..

I fell in love with you
when you didn't want me to
and I told you the darkest
secret of mine. thinking you
would be the one to save me
and make us combined
but instead you walked away
with my sadness still bleeding
from my brain, a pit of blood
left from the confusion
that is my pain

I feel like your smiles are all
Lies, and that you secretly hate
Behind that mask which you
Use to cove the glances
Of myself to the others when
I look away

I feel like I am the flower at the bottom
Of the bench, you'd rather pick the
One at the top, because they keep
A much more beautiful
Company

I feel like I am your second choice
When your Boredom tells you
You're desperate enough

my love for you is like a fireplace
inside my mind
warming me up
with good memories
but as I became more and more
in love with you
it spread, it spread until my entire
mind was on fire
every. single. part. of. it.
there is no water
so I sit here and let my mind burn.

I taste you on my tongue
When you twist it in knots
I feel you in my bones
And I hear you in my thoughts

Somewhere along the line
Too quickly to be caught
You grew around me like
One big forget me not

It's kind of sad actually
Because after years
And years
And years
Of feeling
It's like
One day my brain was done
All of my feelings have been felt
It's sad cause I can't feel
Anything anymore
It's like a never ending pit
In my stomach
That pumps and pumps
This addicting kind of numbness
Into me
My stomach gets hot and my heart,.
It gets cold..
I cry because I realize I have lost
And this is



                        Game over.

I trusted you but you left
I tried to give you my all
And show you that I
Loved you
And show you that I
Cared for you
To show you that I wanted you

But I didn't end my life for you
To leave me here crying
On the side of the road
Drunk

I've seen guys like you
It's called my dad
My mother would throw herself at him
And make him happy
Do anything in the world
And he just pushed her away

You are nothing
You are not a man
You are not even close
You don't hit a woman you keep
Your hands off of her

I told you no
For the first time
After loving you for a long time
And
You left
I gave you my world
You left
I gave you my everything
You left

Now go learn to be a man
Cause you're not leaving me
Anymore
I may be drunk and
Sad
But
Guess what
You didn't leave this time

I left

They hugged goodbye
But continued talking
Old love catching fire again
It was as if time stood still
Neither one of them wanting to leave
I watched from a distance
The way she looked at him
And the way he looked at her
Then they said their final goodbye
I watched her leave
And him go the other way
But then I saw her
Turn around to look at him
But he didn't look back
She left a piece of her heart in that goodbye
And he took it with him

The truths now unfold
The story is now told
Crying eyes
Hidden lies
Just too many goodbyes


Now it is forever like before
But now is different
I have closed the door
Sorry is just a word
And now the memories will become blurred

She sat alone
Alone and at home
Where her screams were silent
But her mind was violent
Her insecurities hid deep inside
And they indeed did eat her alive
A tear rolled down her face
As her heart began to race
She took her blade and tore her skin
Where her depression lied deep within
This went on for days, months, years,
And until she cried her very last tears
She decided she had enough
The world around her as too much tough
She took a gun to her head
Congratulations society
She's dead

There was a young man
Everyone thought was quite
Handsome
So he ******* his face
And he held it for ransom


He made everyone back up
20ft
Then he ran off with his head
Down two darkly lit streets

The whole town wondered why he'd
Threatened his face
They couldn't understand
It was just that kind of place

He convinced her
To jump
Promising that he would catch her
But as soon
As she
Started to fall
He was already turning around

I was so undeserving,
And yet, you were
So relentless.
                I pushed ~ You pulled
                I wept  ~ You embraced
                I bled  ~ You repaired
                I stopped ~ You smiled
I was a disaster~
The worst of its kind
                     And yet you still
                      Had the audacity
                       To let me know
                                  That I was beautiful

Take long showers and rub your skin raw
Until it becomes red
And their touch has been washed off
Their kisses and hugs washed down the drain

Say their name over and over
Until it becomes distorted
And foreign in your mouth
So all that's left are traces of bitter taste
Wash it down with a glass of wine
Or two
Or three

Remove all the sheets and blankets
That were once entangled with their legs
And embedded with their scent
Clean them. Rip them. Burn them.
Buy new ones. Buy a new bed.
One where the mattress has yet
To comform their figure

Start hating yourself
Because no matter what steps you take
You can never forget them
You don't even really want to

And when I said it
Realized you heard
"Everything is fine"
While I heard
"It couldn't get any worse"

I dreamed I stood in silence
beneath a shattered golden sky
while the stars rained down like tears
blinked from a universal eye,
and in my fist I held
all that I've ever truly owned
yet my fingers closed on air
clutching only my skin and bone
but something in that gesture
hinted at more than I could see
that like my skin, the air
was just as much a part of me
and I'd found that I owned nothing
for I already had it all
I was the gold that streaked the sky
and every star still yet to fall
it was this that I held onto
when I finally awoke
to find a sky the brightest blue
that showed no sign that it ever broke

I fear
You'll wake up one night
missing me
And it will be far too late.

If I Showed you my tear drops
Would you collect them like rain?
Store them in jars
That are labeled with pain
Would you follow their tracks
From my eyes down my cheeks
As they write all the stories
I'm too scared to speak
Would you stop them with kisses?
Bring their flow to a halt?
As you teach me that pain
Isn't always my fault
Would you hold my face gently
As you dry both my eyes?
and whisper the words
"You're too precious to cry"
If I showed you my teardrops
Would you show me your own?
And learn all though we are lonely
We are never alone

I love the way
Your legs brush
Against mine
In the morning


And I love waking up
Late at night
To brush my fingers
Down your face


But I no longer know
If you are the one
I wish to brush legs with
In the morning


Whether I stay or go
Please don't forget
How ardently
I have loved you


And please don't
Push me out
And never
Let me back in


I feel so selfish
To leave you
But to need you
To stay hooked on my chain


But I will never know
If I don't leave
And I will never leave
If I know I'll never get you back

You said you couldn't keep waiting
For me to say I love you too
But id say it to you everyday
In ways you never even knew
It poured over the umbrella
That I held for you in the rain
Caught in the way I kissed your bruises
Just to take the pain away
Baked in the cake I made you,
When you got the biggest slice
And then you told me you loved it
How I baked it for you twice,
It was buckled in the seatbelt
I always told you to put on
And in the ways I would miss you
Every time that you were gone
I might not have said those 4 words
In the old standard way
But I'd learnt to speak much louder
Than anything that you can say
So if you're really tired of waiting
For those four words to leave my throat,
All I can say is that it's cold outside
So don't forget your coat.

Just imagine..
That girl in your class
She's abused at home but
She's bullied at school
She wears long sleeve shirts
And pants all the time
She gets beat up and called a freak
And messages that tell her
To **** herself..

She goes home to her room
Her parents are fighting
Again..
She says goodbye,
She takes some pills and makes
Deep slashes in her wrist.
She gets dizzy,
Her mom comes in and finds her
She thinks it is her fault

But no it's yours because of those
Words you said..
She could not take it
Those words were hurting her
Just imagine the hurt you caused
That family..

I hate how people always assume
If you're depressed, you're suicidal
Because I am depressed
But I have never dragged a blade
So hard into my arms
My veins burst
And I have never tied a rope to the ceiling

I am depressed but I have never
Left a suicide note for my family
And I've never tried to **** what's inside of me

I am depressed
And I deal with it everyday
And I don't think that people realize
That sometimes
Your sadness isn't you. It's what's inside you
And sometimes when you mad or sad
It isn't your tears or your hurtful words
It's the monsters

People tend to romanticize depression
And I'd like to tell you it's beautiful
And I'd like to tell you it's cruel
But to be honest with you
It's both
Some days it makes me happy
Because sadness is a drug
And when you're at a perfect high
It's beautiful
But when your either too low
Or on the edge of too high
It's like your dying
And with every breath
You're closer to killing yourself
In the mental sense that is

Even from far away
You could see it
They were drunk
But not from any type of beverage
They were drunk off eachother
The way they laughed
The way they kept sneaking glances
even though both knew the other one
was looking too
The way they curled into eachother
With a nervousness hidden behind
a subtle excitement
Even from far away
You could see it
They found eachother
Utterly intoxicating

Some are hidden by
Long sleeves baggy sweatshirts
Behind bloodshot eyes
And stale breath
Written in light graphite
On crinkled sheets
In shoeboxes
Therapy sessions
And 2am text messages

I wonder
How many pills
Or cuts
Or"accidents"
Or break downs
Or panic attacks
Or "bad days"
Would it take to prove
I resemble a tree
I look strong on the outside
But when a part of me snaps
Inside
There is nothing left but my rotting years