You said you couldn't keep waiting
For me to say I love you too
But id say it to you everyday
In ways you never even knew
It poured over the umbrella
That I held for you in the rain
Caught in the way I kissed your bruises
Just to take the pain away
Baked in the cake I made you,
When you got the biggest slice
And then you told me you loved it
How I baked it for you twice,
It was buckled in the seatbelt
I always told you to put on
And in the ways I would miss you
Every time that you were gone
I might not have said those 4 words
In the old standard way
But I'd learnt to speak much louder
Than anything that you can say
So if you're really tired of waiting
For those four words to leave my throat,
All I can say is that it's cold outside
So don't forget your coat.

they told him nothing lasts forever
so nothing's what he left to find
he filled his heart with quiet cobwebs
and pushed the thoughts out from his mind
dropped all the things that ever hurt him
then dropped the things he cared for too
for they say nothing's worth the pain
and pain was all he ever knew
he picked bouquets of silence
wore the shadows as a coat
then used their inky darkness
and he wrote on the empty air
"my whole life I've chased nothing.
for it I have nothing to show
I've got nothing in my heart
and there is nothing that I know
but I'd give everything for something
that could erase what I'd been told
for emptiness is the heaviest thing
I've ever had to hold"

Depression is a war
A battle against yourself,
Every thought is a bullet,
Every movement is a punch.
Every word is a stab in the heart,
Depression is a thief
It steals everything you once had
Everything left behind is the things
that keep you trapped
Depression is a ******
It killed the boy I use to be
I look in the mirror,
And I see this thing
Depression is a zombie.
You aren't alive but you're alive
But you're unaware of what's happening
You're the walking dead
Depression is a nightmare
You wake up into hell
You're afraid of living.
Everything seems impossible to bear.
Depression is an ocean.
A sea of emotions
You're drowning everyday
However you're never saved
Depression is a bottomless pit.
Never ending pain,
Never ending struggles
There is no light
There is no escape
depression is a war.
A constant battles within
Yourself
I think I might surrender for I had enough
Depression is a war
You either win
Or you die trying
And I'm afraid to say I'm losing..

if I met my seven year old self today
what would I tell him?
what would I say?
would I warm him of the future
of the bad things yet to come?
or would I leave him to be naive
to keep having fun?
because my seven year old self
believed the world was a perfect place
would he recognize himself
when he looked into my face?
even though I've leaned so much more
and 8 years have passed since then
I would give up everything I have
to veiw life through his eyes again.

he fed you sweet sweet words like honey
their taste like sugar on his tongue
no one had ever been so kind
so to every word you clung
he told you, you were pretty,
in the dress he had bought
that you were smart when you remembered
all the things he had taught
you came to need those words
just as much as you need air
the way they showed you that you had beauty
ever since he'd placed it there
but you didn't see the truth,
the holes the words left in his teeth
as he used all of the sugar
to coat the rotted heart beneath
he revealed to you your beauty
but made it so you would believe
that you would be quick to lose it
if you ever were to leave
so you stayed fast stuck beside him
as you fell deeper for his trick
smiling like nothing was wrong
when the sugar made you sick
but let me tell you something,
you do not need him there to shine
a boy should never have a say
on how your worths defined
I know you have the power
to break out of his sticky grip
for you were beautiful before the words
had touched his sour lips

and her mind wanders
she tends to think about
something that happened
5 years ago, or something
that happened 2 hours ago
or something that could happen
10 years from now,
her mind is like a hurricane
it's a wreck
it's full of beautiful yet
awful thoughts
it's 1 AM and her mind
continues to wander

every time time you
Tell your daughter
You yell at her
Out of love
You teach her to confuse
Anger with kindness
Which seems like a good idea
Till she grows up to
Trust men who hurt her
Cause they look so much
Like you

When I was both young and naive
I believed in anything
And you told me that the twinkling stars
Were ******* by strings
That the moment I had joined this earth
A brand new one was strung
And every night out there in space
My sparkling star still hung
As is rose I'd ask the wise old moon
Which star up there was mine,
Guessing at which point of light,
My life had caused to chime
But nights are not eternal
Nor naivety or youth
And the world was quick to tell me
What I thought was not the truth
It wasn't string that stopped the stars
From falling out of the sky
And you didn't get to untie yours
When you kissed this world goodbye
But I think there's always somethings
That Pure knowledge can't explain
And I'll stick to what you said
Though the world thinks I'm insane
For it's hard to say what isn't true
And see clearly what things are
When on the night you slipped from earth
I saw a shooting star

10 years of old
Fatty meals chubby thighs
Runway models with well defined bones
Saying no to a burger and chips
After all a moment on lips, a lifetime on hips

12 years old
Balanced meals and pinching thighs
Brainwashed friends with pro Ana
And wanting to hurl
After all boys don't like fat girls

14 years old
Skipping meals and thinner thighs
Five mile run for one cube of cheese
Counting calories not wanting meals
After all nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

16 years old
No meals and gap in thighs
Arms like match sticks, poking out ribs
Size two dress and body so mini
After all this is what society likes right?

Do you have stars in your mouth
she asks
And I laugh,
She's never tasted
Winter like I have
Midnights that linger
For days. Yes,
I tell her come see

Will there be breath
For a while, I whisper
And blow on her hands
But you will sing
And the aurora lights
Will walk across the ice

She lets me
Put my hands on her
Will I die? Her hair
Like snow
Yes. I tell her
Every time

I missed you for too long
in too many ways
that it became just another part of me
engraved deeper into my heart with the
passing of time
I would wake up
stretch
breathe
and miss you
they told me to let it go
to let you go
and I would say:
you can not simply will your heart to stop beating
that no matter how long you hold
your breath for
you cannot hold it forever
and I could only stop missing you
if I stopped being myself entirely

There are two types of love


There's the kindd you find
In good morning texts and shy smiles
The kind that comes with
Butterflies and stolen glances
The kind
Where you laugh for no reason
And a smile is forever glued to your face
Sweet, simple, honest, pure.


And then there's


The kind that finds you
In 2 am phone calls
And the tears on your pillow
The kind that come with
A war between your brain and heart
The kind where
Nothing makes you happier
And nothing makes you sadder
Passionate, overwhelming, intense, daring
And when it all comes crashing down
So
Do
You.

we drink alcohol
that tastes like hell
and smoke cigarettes
that burn our throats
and take drugs
that **** our minds
just to forget for a little while

we're killing ourselves slowly
******* our lives up
and losing everybody who cares
welcome to self destruction

I've had many addictions
and they all came in different colors
blacked out drunk,
Crimson red flowing off my wrist,
dark blue clouded by depression
and who could forget
the rainbow swirls of bipolar
but worst of all
was when I saw no color at all
through the eyes of a shell of me
drugged up from the past

"You always hurt the ones you love"
As if it makes it okay to.
Say words you know they hate
Leave for two hours in the heat of an
Argument
Yell and scream and fight and argue
Or push them into the coffee table

You do not hurt the ones you love
It's as simple as that
You do not leave when they need you
The most
You do not
Write, type, speak
Words, phrases, sayings, sentences that will break them

You do not break the ones you love
And if you do
And you happen to feel no remorse
Because
"You always hurt the ones you love"
Well then you never loved them
To begin with did you.

she'd learnt to keep a shallow mind
so people didn't have to swim
and it led them all to think they knew
the thoughts she held within
but below the wading pool she made
was a world left unexplored
an ocean of her feelings
hidden under the pools floor
the waters turned to blackness
where not even she had dared to go
stretching from behind her eyes
to the ends of all her toes
she didn't want to dive right down
and find what lay hidden there
because she knew with all deep water
came a deadly lack of air
but she didn't foresee the lonely boy
who found a crack in her cement
broke free of her wading pool
and into the darkness he went
he told her not to fear her thoughts
as he took her by the hand
and swam with her to places
that their lungs could not withstand
in their newfound love they both forgot
the importance of their breath
and interwoven in the world they found
they both drowned in its depths

my love for you is like a fireplace
inside my mind
warming me up
with good memories
but as I became more and more
in love with you
it spread, it spread until my entire
mind was on fire
every. single. part. of. it.
there is no water
so I sit here and let my mind burn.

Never trust a mirror
For a mirror always lies,
It makes you think that all your worth
Can be seen from outside
Never trust a mirror
It only shows you what's skin deep
You can't see how your eye lids flutter
When you're drifting off to sleep
It doesn't show you what the world sees
When you're only being you,
Or how your eyes light up
When you're loving what you do
It doesn't capture when you're smiling
Where no one else can see
And your reflection can not tell you
Everything you mean to me
Never trust a mirror
For it only shows your skin
And if you think that dictates your worth
It's time you looked within

Take long showers and rub your skin raw
Until it becomes red
And their touch has been washed off
Their kisses and hugs washed down the drain

Say their name over and over
Until it becomes distorted
And foreign in your mouth
So all that's left are traces of bitter taste
Wash it down with a glass of wine
Or two
Or three

Remove all the sheets and blankets
That were once entangled with their legs
And embedded with their scent
Clean them. Rip them. Burn them.
Buy new ones. Buy a new bed.
One where the mattress has yet
To comform their figure

Start hating yourself
Because no matter what steps you take
You can never forget them
You don't even really want to

They announced on a Monday
In our schools old sweaty hall
That a girl I had math class with
Wasn't coming back at all
You could hear the silent questions
She was perfect wasn't she?
What demons was she fighting
That we were all too blind to see?
I sat in math that Monday
Beside her now abandoned desk
While our teacher warned us not to fail
Our fast approaching test
I remember she once whispered,
That she was envious of me
My parents knew the work it took
Just to get a simple 'B'
I wish I'd noticed earlier
Or had the decency to ask
Because her world must have been crumbling
Behind her "perfect student" mask
And I wonder if on that Sunday
It was the last thought in her brain
That the only A+ she could give
Was the blood type in her veins

the teardrops run down
and fall off her nose
she cries in the dark corners
where nobody goes
you can follow the tracks
from her eyes to her chin
years upon years
of letting them win
and her eyes tell a story
of anger and pain
you think that she's happy
but just look again
and the scars of her past
hidden under her clothes
are a roadmap to places
that nobody knows
her smile is now painted
she's a master of disguise
and you can see it all
just look into her eyes

I fell in love with a music box
You were a music box
With your lid shut so tight
Just waiting to see who
Was lovely enough to
Want to hear something
Beautiful
Just waiting to see who
Cared enough to
Open you up

silly little girl
don't fool yourself
they've seen your scars
they just don't want to help

little do they know
how much could change
with three little words
"are you okay?"

depression is a puzzle
they give you an illustration
of what it's meant to resemble
but when you take the pieces
out of the box
they're all scrambled up
no where they're supposed to be
it takes time
to put the pieces back together
because sometimes the pieces
don't fit where you want them to
but you soon grasp that
that's not where they were meant to be
once your puzzle is complete
you admire it for a little bit
then you detach the pieces
then start a new one
that's what depression is
it's a puzzle

I don't know why
We drifted apart
But we did
And I regret it

I want us to be friends again,
The way we use to

I want us to stay up all night
Talking about what's on our heart
Because no one can make me
Feel as comfortable as you
And no one has won
My trust, the way
You still do

You dipped your toes
Into the darkness
As though to test if it was cold
And I knew right when
You shivered
You were more scared than you had told
I wrote my words into a life ring
Something to keep
Your word afloat
But against the strength of your nightmare
They were a soggy paper boat
I don't know what the blackness told you
What wonderous things
It planned to give you
But I watched as the light died in your eyes
Along with your will to live
I screamed your name to pierce the silence
But you were
Too long gone to hear
Caught somewhere between being noticed
And wanting to disappear
You once said you were scared
Of the darkness
And that you'd never learnt to swim
But with its promises pumped
Through your veins
You held your breath and jumped right in.

they said we were a splendid storm
but they didn't even know
that I was just the soundtrack
to the places that you would go
our rain was not renewal
it was things falling apart
it was tear drop shaped reminders
it takes more to stop than to start
you were lightening I was thunder
always one second late
stumbling through the soggy sky
as I called for you to wait
but you made sure your light shows
always left them numb and blind
so my cries were distant mumbles
as I fell further behind

I taste you on my tongue
When you twist it in knots
I feel you in my bones
And I hear you in my thoughts

Somewhere along the line
Too quickly to be caught
You grew around me like
One big forget me not

I feel like your smiles are all
Lies, and that you secretly hate
Behind that mask which you
Use to cove the glances
Of myself to the others when
I look away

I feel like I am the flower at the bottom
Of the bench, you'd rather pick the
One at the top, because they keep
A much more beautiful
Company

I feel like I am your second choice
When your Boredom tells you
You're desperate enough

I hate how people always assume
If you're depressed, you're suicidal
Because I am depressed
But I have never dragged a blade
So hard into my arms
My veins burst
And I have never tied a rope to the ceiling

I am depressed but I have never
Left a suicide note for my family
And I've never tried to **** what's inside of me

I am depressed
And I deal with it everyday
And I don't think that people realize
That sometimes
Your sadness isn't you. It's what's inside you
And sometimes when you mad or sad
It isn't your tears or your hurtful words
It's the monsters

People tend to romanticize depression
And I'd like to tell you it's beautiful
And I'd like to tell you it's cruel
But to be honest with you
It's both
Some days it makes me happy
Because sadness is a drug
And when you're at a perfect high
It's beautiful
But when your either too low
Or on the edge of too high
It's like your dying
And with every breath
You're closer to killing yourself
In the mental sense that is

It's 3:13 AM on a Saturday morning
I've just told you that I love you
Because they say that
You're most truthful
At 3AM because.. Well I don't know

I called you at 2:58 AM
I confessed my love to you
At 3:03, I ended my call
At 3:12 I sent it over and over

I honestly don't know
What made me do it
Fate, infatuation, lust?
I really don't know, but What I do know
Is that you make me feel some way

Kinda like when you see your
Food coming at your favorite restaurant
Or Christmas morning when your
7 years old and not being able
To hide your excitement

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe it's sleepiness
Sleep deprivation does things to you
But I don't care because
It feels really good to write about
Something other than pain
At 3:24 AM

There was a young man
Everyone thought was quite
Handsome
So he ******* his face
And he held it for ransom


He made everyone back up
20ft
Then he ran off with his head
Down two darkly lit streets

The whole town wondered why he'd
Threatened his face
They couldn't understand
It was just that kind of place

They hugged goodbye
But continued talking
Old love catching fire again
It was as if time stood still
Neither one of them wanting to leave
I watched from a distance
The way she looked at him
And the way he looked at her
Then they said their final goodbye
I watched her leave
And him go the other way
But then I saw her
Turn around to look at him
But he didn't look back
She left a piece of her heart in that goodbye
And he took it with him

When I die
Do not come to me with flowers
And eyes full of tears
Come to me with your new favorite book
And tell me all about it
Come to me with your favorite person
And tell me all about them
Come to me with a smiling face
And tell me all that I'm missing
Don't come to my grave sad
Come to my grave happy
Because that's all I could ask for.

There was a creaking in her attic
The kind that settles in your bones,
Makes your heart flee when you have the thought.
Of facing it alone
Her mind made it an object
With each creak sending her numb
Like noise possessed a pair of hands
Wrapped tight around each lung
The world told her to fear it
"There's nothing good in the unknown"
And she wondered if they had ever faced,
The creaking of their own.
So she built herself a ladder
From the thoughts that screamed to stop
And she climbed it to the darkness
Waiting at the very top,
There inside her attic
Prepared to fight it to her death,
Her fingers shook against the switch
And fear gripped at her breath
As the light flickered above her,
Not a monster was in view
But a group of dreams she'd dare not have
In fear they'd not come true
The creaking in her attic
Had been a plea into her heart
A dare to face the unknown
And release them from the dark
Because you won't encounter freedom
If you give into your fright
Sometimes the bravest thing you'll ever do
Is just turn on the light.

You want the truth?
All those times I've said
"I'm okay"
I lied
Truth is
I'm not okay
And I wish you already knew that
I've always kept it a secret
Because you're all the way over there
And I'm all the way over here
And I didn't want to make it so obvious
That you are the only thing
That makes me okay..

you saved me from killing myself
you saved me from drowning
myself in sadness
you saved me from all the heartbreaks


you fixed me
And told me to trust you
everything was going to be alright


I trusted you

but now
who's going to fix me?

You left.

"Just tired"
He muttered

But you could tell it wasn't
Just the lack of sleep

But lack of hope
And happiness

That made him
Act the way he did.

Red were the roses
The ones I left on your casket
Orange were the leaves
The ones in your tree
Yellow were the bruises
The ones that covered you head to toe
Green were the stains
The ones on the hem of your jeans
Blue were your lips
The day you were found in your noose
Indigo was the night sky
That night that you died
Violet was the bruise
That you wore around your neck.

The truths now unfold
The story is now told
Crying eyes
Hidden lies
Just too many goodbyes


Now it is forever like before
But now is different
I have closed the door
Sorry is just a word
And now the memories will become blurred

I fell in love with you
when you didn't want me to
and I told you the darkest
secret of mine. thinking you
would be the one to save me
and make us combined
but instead you walked away
with my sadness still bleeding
from my brain, a pit of blood
left from the confusion
that is my pain

Take a glass
And shatter it
And watch it
Turn to dust

Leave some
Metal in the
Rain and watch
It slowly rust

I know you
Have glue and
I know you
Have paint
And you are
Doing all
That you
Can

But please
Understand
When I say
I cannot be
Whole
Again.

It's terrible that people
Actually hate themselves
Because they aren't
A certain weight
Or don't have certain grades,
Or don't have this or that,
And will physically cut themselves
Open
People are terrified of being
Judged
Because they don't look the
Person on the cover of
That magazine
So maybe if we showed people
That it was okay to be who they
Are
Instead of just saying
"Don't be afraid to be you
As long as you're confident it
Doesn't matter"
Then maybe there will
Be less people
With slashes on their wrist
And notes saying
"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough"

there was a time when
things were so good
and you were happy

you wonder how things got so bad
then you blame yourself
you hate yourself
you cannot control the pain
and you mark your body
with little slit like tally marks

but you desire to fix yourself
you want things to be better

you are trying but things take time
you must be patient
and you must learn from your mistakes
before you can fix yourself

it is a process

You asked

"What's the scariest part?"

I answer;
"the scariest part is not the feeling of
loneliness
Or the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain,
Of emptiness.

Th scariest part
Is the realization
That you have lost yourself
completely
Sinking in as you lay awake
At 2am
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can't even try
because you don't even care."

I love the way
Your legs brush
Against mine
In the morning


And I love waking up
Late at night
To brush my fingers
Down your face


But I no longer know
If you are the one
I wish to brush legs with
In the morning


Whether I stay or go
Please don't forget
How ardently
I have loved you


And please don't
Push me out
And never
Let me back in


I feel so selfish
To leave you
But to need you
To stay hooked on my chain


But I will never know
If I don't leave
And I will never leave
If I know I'll never get you back

She noticed everything
But didn't say much
She put a smile on her face
Fooling everyone,
She laughed
And everyone thought she was happy
Maybe if you actually looked at her
You'd realize how fake it all was
If you just took the time to look in her eyes
You would have seen how close she was to tears
But you didn't
You actually thought she was happy

They all claim to anyways

But do you?
Do you understand
Tears rolling down your cheeks at 3 am
Do you understand
Permanent sadness?
Do you understand the hollow feeling
You get when you know
You'll always be alone?
Do you really think you understand?!?
I screamed to them

All they could manage
Was a small gulp
As they tore their eyes away
And said they understand

and when I lie awake
At 3 AM
Tossing and turning
And hear my phone vibrate
I fight the tired feeling of
Checking it
To see who the message was from
Only to have tears streaming
Down my face
Down my cheeks
From my red and sleep deprived eyes
Because it wasn't from you
It's never from you anymore

Even from far away
You could see it
They were drunk
But not from any type of beverage
They were drunk off eachother
The way they laughed
The way they kept sneaking glances
even though both knew the other one
was looking too
The way they curled into eachother
With a nervousness hidden behind
a subtle excitement
Even from far away
You could see it
They found eachother
Utterly intoxicating