The longing I feel for you
At 4:54 am Breaks me
I didn't want to love like this
The facade of not needing
Anyone cracks under the
Gentle weight of your warm
Breath as I lay wrapped
In your tight arm
Our feet touch
Our legs intertwine and I
Realize this is what happiness
Is
No bells or whistles
It didn't cost anything
Just you and I in a dark and quiet
Room and I am home
You have crept into the deepest parts of me
Your words...
Your touch on my skin...
The way you look serious all the time
Has infiltrated my existence
You quite silently tiptoed past
The yellow tape across my
Shattered and weary heart
That read "crime scene do not pass"
You dared to cross even when
The warning signs were clearly labeled
My mind races in the telling
Me I don't deserve this love
I pray I do not wake to find that this
Precious love was
Just
A
Dream.

the teardrops run down
and fall off her nose
she cries in the dark corners
where nobody goes
you can follow the tracks
from her eyes to her chin
years upon years
of letting them win
and her eyes tell a story
of anger and pain
you think that she's happy
but just look again
and the scars of her past
hidden under her clothes
are a roadmap to places
that nobody knows
her smile is now painted
she's a master of disguise
and you can see it all
just look into her eyes

a sunken chest
on the ocean ground
to never be found
was where she found me

there she stirred
my every thought
my every word
so gently, so profoundly

now I am kept
from dreams I dreamt
when once I slept
so soundly

I attract lost souls
those who cannot sleep at night
they ponder life and deeper meanings
I decipher their fears
protecting them from fright

they are wounded and ungaurded
their houses broken with sadness
and alone in solitude
I am their guiding light
but I am the only one with the dimmest madness

I am the human contradiction
I have no self confidence
Yet I have a massive ego
I want to turn my life around
Yet I want to die
I want people to think I have no weakness
Yet all I want to do is cry
I want to be the best at everything
But I don't want to try
I want to stop hurting myself
But that's all I seem to do
I don't want people seeing my scars
Yet I want them to know I'm scared
When I wake up I want to be happy
But I don't want to wake up anymore

Take a glass
And shatter it
And watch it
Turn to dust

Leave some
Metal in the
Rain and watch
It slowly rust

I know you
Have glue and
I know you
Have paint
And you are
Doing all
That you
Can

But please
Understand
When I say
I cannot be
Whole
Again.

Never trust a mirror
For a mirror always lies,
It makes you think that all your worth
Can be seen from outside
Never trust a mirror
It only shows you what's skin deep
You can't see how your eye lids flutter
When you're drifting off to sleep
It doesn't show you what the world sees
When you're only being you,
Or how your eyes light up
When you're loving what you do
It doesn't capture when you're smiling
Where no one else can see
And your reflection can not tell you
Everything you mean to me
Never trust a mirror
For it only shows your skin
And if you think that dictates your worth
It's time you looked within

I fell in love with a music box
You were a music box
With your lid shut so tight
Just waiting to see who
Was lovely enough to
Want to hear something
Beautiful
Just waiting to see who
Cared enough to
Open you up

if I met my seven year old self today
what would I tell him?
what would I say?
would I warm him of the future
of the bad things yet to come?
or would I leave him to be naive
to keep having fun?
because my seven year old self
believed the world was a perfect place
would he recognize himself
when he looked into my face?
even though I've leaned so much more
and 8 years have passed since then
I would give up everything I have
to veiw life through his eyes again.

I can hold myself together durning the day
I can occupy myself with
mindless tasks or,
Sleep to escape it all
But at night is when
I start to unravel
And my eyes
They leak
And my insides spill out
And pool into my lap
And I'm struggling to keep my head
Above the water
And it has always been too
Shallow
To drown in but
I think it's finally
Deep enough.

I'm trying to forget about something I never really new

Wow

they told him nothing lasts forever
so nothing's what he left to find
he filled his heart with quiet cobwebs
and pushed the thoughts out from his mind
dropped all the things that ever hurt him
then dropped the things he cared for too
for they say nothing's worth the pain
and pain was all he ever knew
he picked bouquets of silence
wore the shadows as a coat
then used their inky darkness
and he wrote on the empty air
"my whole life I've chased nothing.
for it I have nothing to show
I've got nothing in my heart
and there is nothing that I know
but I'd give everything for something
that could erase what I'd been told
for emptiness is the heaviest thing
I've ever had to hold"

every time time you
Tell your daughter
You yell at her
Out of love
You teach her to confuse
Anger with kindness
Which seems like a good idea
Till she grows up to
Trust men who hurt her
Cause they look so much
Like you

It's terrible that people
Actually hate themselves
Because they aren't
A certain weight
Or don't have certain grades,
Or don't have this or that,
And will physically cut themselves
Open
People are terrified of being
Judged
Because they don't look the
Person on the cover of
That magazine
So maybe if we showed people
That it was okay to be who they
Are
Instead of just saying
"Don't be afraid to be you
As long as you're confident it
Doesn't matter"
Then maybe there will
Be less people
With slashes on their wrist
And notes saying
"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough"

Please don't say
That you love me
Because you never truly did
Love me.
Maybe you liked,
              Or even loved
The thought of being
With me.
But you have never loved me,
You see,
Because you destroyed me.

And because of that,
          I am sure,
That you never loved me.

Red were the roses
The ones I left on your casket
Orange were the leaves
The ones in your tree
Yellow were the bruises
The ones that covered you head to toe
Green were the stains
The ones on the hem of your jeans
Blue were your lips
The day you were found in your noose
Indigo was the night sky
That night that you died
Violet was the bruise
That you wore around your neck.

we drink alcohol
that tastes like hell
and smoke cigarettes
that burn our throats
and take drugs
that **** our minds
just to forget for a little while

we're killing ourselves slowly
******* our lives up
and losing everybody who cares
welcome to self destruction

She moved on, and
I feel sorry for you
Because she thought
You were the most amazing boy ever
If she could have had any guy
In the world
She still would have picked you
Now, you're just
Another part of her past
A memory more faded every day
And someday, she'll find the one
She deserves, and he will make
Her the happiest
Girl in the world

She noticed everything
But didn't say much
She put a smile on her face
Fooling everyone,
She laughed
And everyone thought she was happy
Maybe if you actually looked at her
You'd realize how fake it all was
If you just took the time to look in her eyes
You would have seen how close she was to tears
But you didn't
You actually thought she was happy

he fed you sweet sweet words like honey
their taste like sugar on his tongue
no one had ever been so kind
so to every word you clung
he told you, you were pretty,
in the dress he had bought
that you were smart when you remembered
all the things he had taught
you came to need those words
just as much as you need air
the way they showed you that you had beauty
ever since he'd placed it there
but you didn't see the truth,
the holes the words left in his teeth
as he used all of the sugar
to coat the rotted heart beneath
he revealed to you your beauty
but made it so you would believe
that you would be quick to lose it
if you ever were to leave
so you stayed fast stuck beside him
as you fell deeper for his trick
smiling like nothing was wrong
when the sugar made you sick
but let me tell you something,
you do not need him there to shine
a boy should never have a say
on how your worths defined
I know you have the power
to break out of his sticky grip
for you were beautiful before the words
had touched his sour lips

When I was both young and naive
I believed in anything
And you told me that the twinkling stars
Were ******* by strings
That the moment I had joined this earth
A brand new one was strung
And every night out there in space
My sparkling star still hung
As is rose I'd ask the wise old moon
Which star up there was mine,
Guessing at which point of light,
My life had caused to chime
But nights are not eternal
Nor naivety or youth
And the world was quick to tell me
What I thought was not the truth
It wasn't string that stopped the stars
From falling out of the sky
And you didn't get to untie yours
When you kissed this world goodbye
But I think there's always somethings
That Pure knowledge can't explain
And I'll stick to what you said
Though the world thinks I'm insane
For it's hard to say what isn't true
And see clearly what things are
When on the night you slipped from earth
I saw a shooting star

silly little girl
don't fool yourself
they've seen your scars
they just don't want to help

little do they know
how much could change
with three little words
"are you okay?"

I looked at a picture of us
I was 7 you were 5
You had the most breathtaking smile
What happened to that little girl
That dreamed the impossible
That would hide behind mom
When she was shy
That would look at me
As if I was her protector
You don't smile much anymore
And the things that do make you smile
Aren't really who you are
I miss the little girl
That believed in herself
And that she could do anything
I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you
From a world that broke your heart
I just want to see you
Smile like you use to
You deserve to smile again
But the sad part is
I heard you say
You don't smile the same
Anymore.

10 years of old
Fatty meals chubby thighs
Runway models with well defined bones
Saying no to a burger and chips
After all a moment on lips, a lifetime on hips

12 years old
Balanced meals and pinching thighs
Brainwashed friends with pro Ana
And wanting to hurl
After all boys don't like fat girls

14 years old
Skipping meals and thinner thighs
Five mile run for one cube of cheese
Counting calories not wanting meals
After all nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

16 years old
No meals and gap in thighs
Arms like match sticks, poking out ribs
Size two dress and body so mini
After all this is what society likes right?

Do you have stars in your mouth
she asks
And I laugh,
She's never tasted
Winter like I have
Midnights that linger
For days. Yes,
I tell her come see

Will there be breath
For a while, I whisper
And blow on her hands
But you will sing
And the aurora lights
Will walk across the ice

She lets me
Put my hands on her
Will I die? Her hair
Like snow
Yes. I tell her
Every time

You met me at a very strange time
In my life
When I didn't want to be saved
When all I wanted
Was to be buried alive
And I don't know how
But
You made me want to save myself
And that's how
I knew
You were dangerous

They announced on a Monday
In our schools old sweaty hall
That a girl I had math class with
Wasn't coming back at all
You could hear the silent questions
She was perfect wasn't she?
What demons was she fighting
That we were all too blind to see?
I sat in math that Monday
Beside her now abandoned desk
While our teacher warned us not to fail
Our fast approaching test
I remember she once whispered,
That she was envious of me
My parents knew the work it took
Just to get a simple 'B'
I wish I'd noticed earlier
Or had the decency to ask
Because her world must have been crumbling
Behind her "perfect student" mask
And I wonder if on that Sunday
It was the last thought in her brain
That the only A+ she could give
Was the blood type in her veins

I was alone
and the darkness said hello
he has
always
been
my
first
love
I was alone
and the darkness
kissed my brow
and said hello
when
my friends planned parties
I would not be
invited to
he held me down and showed me
how to stick *******
down my throat
I was alone
and my darkness said hello
it has been seven years
since a blade
first graced my skin
and he is the only one
I have ever
let in.

It clears. And the sun
Throws light on the dust
On the windows, the

Constancy of that
Mist. To see "if the
Weather is with us"

And it is
It is amazing
How much a
Window lets in

Or out. Part of a
Cross from a tower
On a puddle on

A connecting walk,
White water pipes that
Sidle up the sides of

White buildings to tie
Tin cornices to
Ground, other windows

Polished by indrections
Of reflections, Quiet. The sky.

Isn't it ironic?
How I comfort people with problems
And not fixing my own
How I wipe others tears
While mine are continuously rolling?
How I know their pain
Yet they don't know mine?
How I tell them to not hide
While I hide my tears inside?
How I encourage them
Yet I discourage myself?
How I assure them everything will be okay
And I do not believe it myself?
How I treat each one as precious human beings
Yet they treat me like ****?
How I prioritize
While they treat me as an option?
How I sacrifice and give everything
And receive nothing at all?
Yes it is ironic
But that my life, I have a choice
To end it or to live it
It's gods gift
I'll live it for now
Time changes I may end it too, someday.

"You always hurt the ones you love"
As if it makes it okay to.
Say words you know they hate
Leave for two hours in the heat of an
Argument
Yell and scream and fight and argue
Or push them into the coffee table

You do not hurt the ones you love
It's as simple as that
You do not leave when they need you
The most
You do not
Write, type, speak
Words, phrases, sayings, sentences that will break them

You do not break the ones you love
And if you do
And you happen to feel no remorse
Because
"You always hurt the ones you love"
Well then you never loved them
To begin with did you.

This is the poem
For all the lovers
Who are not loved in return

This is the poem
For all the thinkers
Trapped inside their heads

This is the poem
For all the lonely ones
Without someone to hold

This is the poem
For all the alcoholics
Drinking themselves to sleep

This is the poem
For all the writers
Stuck between the lines

This is the poem
For all the tired ones
Losing sleep over themselves

This is the poem
For everyone listed above
For no one else
No exceptions

"Just tired"
He muttered

But you could tell it wasn't
Just the lack of sleep

But lack of hope
And happiness

That made him
Act the way he did.

Today
Is the day
To stop pretending
That you're okay
With not being okay

Yesterday
Could have been the day
You lied your last
"I'm fine"

Tomorrow
Could be the day
That you actually
Mean it

If you
Do not
Pull the weeds
In the garden
The flowers
Will never
Grow

Tonight I realized that
You weren't the one who
Wrecked me,
Ruined me,
Or destroyed me,
It was me
Because only I
Have the power to do that
To myself
                        I destroyed myself
                         By loving you.

I missed you for too long
in too many ways
that it became just another part of me
engraved deeper into my heart with the
passing of time
I would wake up
stretch
breathe
and miss you
they told me to let it go
to let you go
and I would say:
you can not simply will your heart to stop beating
that no matter how long you hold
your breath for
you cannot hold it forever
and I could only stop missing you
if I stopped being myself entirely

I've had many addictions
and they all came in different colors
blacked out drunk,
Crimson red flowing off my wrist,
dark blue clouded by depression
and who could forget
the rainbow swirls of bipolar
but worst of all
was when I saw no color at all
through the eyes of a shell of me
drugged up from the past

You want the truth?
All those times I've said
"I'm okay"
I lied
Truth is
I'm not okay
And I wish you already knew that
I've always kept it a secret
Because you're all the way over there
And I'm all the way over here
And I didn't want to make it so obvious
That you are the only thing
That makes me okay..

There is a big difference between
Going to school and being educated
And I never knew that until somebody
Told me that memorizing
And learning
Are not the same thing at all

And I soon understood what they meant
When I couldn't memorize a recipe
But still have to learn how to bake

Or I could memorize numbers for hours
But still have to learn why they matter
And what their purpose is

But mostly, it sunk in when
I realized that I could memorize the way
Your mouth formed its words
But I had to learn the hard way
That I never knew if what
You would put in my belly
We're butterflies
Or bricks

It comes and goes as it rushes over me to take me in all at once. I blow out the smoke of my last cigarette and that's when all of it comes crashing down all at once. Oh god I hate myself and I can feel it coming in waves

They all claim to anyways

But do you?
Do you understand
Tears rolling down your cheeks at 3 am
Do you understand
Permanent sadness?
Do you understand the hollow feeling
You get when you know
You'll always be alone?
Do you really think you understand?!?
I screamed to them

All they could manage
Was a small gulp
As they tore their eyes away
And said they understand

When I die
Do not come to me with flowers
And eyes full of tears
Come to me with your new favorite book
And tell me all about it
Come to me with your favorite person
And tell me all about them
Come to me with a smiling face
And tell me all that I'm missing
Don't come to my grave sad
Come to my grave happy
Because that's all I could ask for.

who the **** made you
hate yourself to where
you can barely look at yourself
in the mirror anymore
who the **** made you hate the way your voice sounds
so you stopped singing and talking
who the **** made you stop
seeing galaxies in your eyes
who? who did that to you?
the sad part is I didn't even have
to say there name
because you know who broke you.

I wish I could laugh.
Laugh like it doesn't matter
Like you don't matter
To a lot of people you don't
That's the problem though
I'm not one of those people
You matter a lot
And it hurts
It hurts because I wanted more
But when more wasn't available
I was still happy with friendship
And that's what I thought we were.
Friends.
But apparently not
I wish I could say it with a laugh
Ha. Ha
Guess I was wrong again
You're embarrassed of me?
Join the club.
You want me to leave you alone?
Well all you had to do was ask
Want me to stop hanging around?
Done! And done!
...
But I can't
Because I don't have a mask
Well not one durable enough
To hide these eyes
Eyes full of tears
Eyes full of anger
Guess this is goodbye then
Because I deserve better
Than to be around a soul
Who continues to stab me
Jab at me with his words
I have enough wounds
Without you.

but that's what I learned over years
you don't fall in love with someone
because they're perfect
you fall in love in spite the fact
that they're not,
you'll love every little detail
about a person
their crooked teeth
chapped lips
the way they smile
and the way there eyes light up when they get happy
all of the things that make a person unique
and in the end I guess opposites really do
attract
I had dreams of New York skylines
and you dreamed of the country
we meshed together
perfectly..
but I think that's what left me heartbroken
because in the end we could never really be together.

You stood there behind me
As I threatened to jump
Although everyone had left
You choose to stay
And I stepped closer to the edge
You joined me and took ahold of my hand
In confusion I asked what are you doing
In reply you said
" my reason for life has always been you
And so if you jump I will too"
I broke out in tears
Unable to believe
That someone like you
Could ever love me
I knew then that
Death was not the answer
That it never would be
And that what I really always wanted
Was to spend
The rest of my life
With you.
You saved my life that day
And I don't think I'll ever be able
To thank you enough

you saved me from killing myself
you saved me from drowning
myself in sadness
you saved me from all the heartbreaks


you fixed me
And told me to trust you
everything was going to be alright


I trusted you

but now
who's going to fix me?

You left.

You asked

"What's the scariest part?"

I answer;
"the scariest part is not the feeling of
loneliness
Or the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain,
Of emptiness.

Th scariest part
Is the realization
That you have lost yourself
completely
Sinking in as you lay awake
At 2am
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can't even try
because you don't even care."

You dipped your toes
Into the darkness
As though to test if it was cold
And I knew right when
You shivered
You were more scared than you had told
I wrote my words into a life ring
Something to keep
Your word afloat
But against the strength of your nightmare
They were a soggy paper boat
I don't know what the blackness told you
What wonderous things
It planned to give you
But I watched as the light died in your eyes
Along with your will to live
I screamed your name to pierce the silence
But you were
Too long gone to hear
Caught somewhere between being noticed
And wanting to disappear
You once said you were scared
Of the darkness
And that you'd never learnt to swim
But with its promises pumped
Through your veins
You held your breath and jumped right in.