and her mind wanders
she tends to think about
something that happened
5 years ago, or something
that happened 2 hours ago
or something that could happen
10 years from now,
her mind is like a hurricane
it's a wreck
it's full of beautiful yet
awful thoughts
it's 1 AM and her mind
continues to wander

we drink alcohol
that tastes like hell
and smoke cigarettes
that burn our throats
and take drugs
that **** our minds
just to forget for a little while

we're killing ourselves slowly
******* our lives up
and losing everybody who cares
welcome to self destruction

I've had many addictions
and they all came in different colors
blacked out drunk,
Crimson red flowing off my wrist,
dark blue clouded by depression
and who could forget
the rainbow swirls of bipolar
but worst of all
was when I saw no color at all
through the eyes of a shell of me
drugged up from the past

he fed you sweet sweet words like honey
their taste like sugar on his tongue
no one had ever been so kind
so to every word you clung
he told you, you were pretty,
in the dress he had bought
that you were smart when you remembered
all the things he had taught
you came to need those words
just as much as you need air
the way they showed you that you had beauty
ever since he'd placed it there
but you didn't see the truth,
the holes the words left in his teeth
as he used all of the sugar
to coat the rotted heart beneath
he revealed to you your beauty
but made it so you would believe
that you would be quick to lose it
if you ever were to leave
so you stayed fast stuck beside him
as you fell deeper for his trick
smiling like nothing was wrong
when the sugar made you sick
but let me tell you something,
you do not need him there to shine
a boy should never have a say
on how your worths defined
I know you have the power
to break out of his sticky grip
for you were beautiful before the words
had touched his sour lips

she'd learnt to keep a shallow mind
so people didn't have to swim
and it led them all to think they knew
the thoughts she held within
but below the wading pool she made
was a world left unexplored
an ocean of her feelings
hidden under the pools floor
the waters turned to blackness
where not even she had dared to go
stretching from behind her eyes
to the ends of all her toes
she didn't want to dive right down
and find what lay hidden there
because she knew with all deep water
came a deadly lack of air
but she didn't foresee the lonely boy
who found a crack in her cement
broke free of her wading pool
and into the darkness he went
he told her not to fear her thoughts
as he took her by the hand
and swam with her to places
that their lungs could not withstand
in their newfound love they both forgot
the importance of their breath
and interwoven in the world they found
they both drowned in its depths

the teardrops run down
and fall off her nose
she cries in the dark corners
where nobody goes
you can follow the tracks
from her eyes to her chin
years upon years
of letting them win
and her eyes tell a story
of anger and pain
you think that she's happy
but just look again
and the scars of her past
hidden under her clothes
are a roadmap to places
that nobody knows
her smile is now painted
she's a master of disguise
and you can see it all
just look into her eyes

I dreamed I stood in silence
beneath a shattered golden sky
while the stars rained down like tears
blinked from a universal eye,
and in my fist I held
all that I've ever truly owned
yet my fingers closed on air
clutching only my skin and bone
but something in that gesture
hinted at more than I could see
that like my skin, the air
was just as much a part of me
and I'd found that I owned nothing
for I already had it all
I was the gold that streaked the sky
and every star still yet to fall
it was this that I held onto
when I finally awoke
to find a sky the brightest blue
that showed no sign that it ever broke

I attract lost souls
those who cannot sleep at night
they ponder life and deeper meanings
I decipher their fears
protecting them from fright

they are wounded and ungaurded
their houses broken with sadness
and alone in solitude
I am their guiding light
but I am the only one with the dimmest madness

I fell in love with you
when you didn't want me to
and I told you the darkest
secret of mine. thinking you
would be the one to save me
and make us combined
but instead you walked away
with my sadness still bleeding
from my brain, a pit of blood
left from the confusion
that is my pain

there was a time when
things were so good
and you were happy

you wonder how things got so bad
then you blame yourself
you hate yourself
you cannot control the pain
and you mark your body
with little slit like tally marks

but you desire to fix yourself
you want things to be better

you are trying but things take time
you must be patient
and you must learn from your mistakes
before you can fix yourself

it is a process

depression is a puzzle
they give you an illustration
of what it's meant to resemble
but when you take the pieces
out of the box
they're all scrambled up
no where they're supposed to be
it takes time
to put the pieces back together
because sometimes the pieces
don't fit where you want them to
but you soon grasp that
that's not where they were meant to be
once your puzzle is complete
you admire it for a little bit
then you detach the pieces
then start a new one
that's what depression is
it's a puzzle

I was alone
and the darkness said hello
he has
always
been
my
first
love
I was alone
and the darkness
kissed my brow
and said hello
when
my friends planned parties
I would not be
invited to
he held me down and showed me
how to stick *******
down my throat
I was alone
and my darkness said hello
it has been seven years
since a blade
first graced my skin
and he is the only one
I have ever
let in.

they told him nothing lasts forever
so nothing's what he left to find
he filled his heart with quiet cobwebs
and pushed the thoughts out from his mind
dropped all the things that ever hurt him
then dropped the things he cared for too
for they say nothing's worth the pain
and pain was all he ever knew
he picked bouquets of silence
wore the shadows as a coat
then used their inky darkness
and he wrote on the empty air
"my whole life I've chased nothing.
for it I have nothing to show
I've got nothing in my heart
and there is nothing that I know
but I'd give everything for something
that could erase what I'd been told
for emptiness is the heaviest thing
I've ever had to hold"

if I met my seven year old self today
what would I tell him?
what would I say?
would I warm him of the future
of the bad things yet to come?
or would I leave him to be naive
to keep having fun?
because my seven year old self
believed the world was a perfect place
would he recognize himself
when he looked into my face?
even though I've leaned so much more
and 8 years have passed since then
I would give up everything I have
to veiw life through his eyes again.

I always thought
that I was never handsome enough
or skinny enough
I always thought that I laughed too loudly
and that I should have daintier hands
or a gap between my thighs
that my hair didn't always
fall perfectly
and that I was way too sensitive
when it came to sad movies or rejection
I always thought that when the world
saw me these were all the flaws pointed out
but no the world doesn't see me that way
the only one that saw me that way was you

I missed you for too long
in too many ways
that it became just another part of me
engraved deeper into my heart with the
passing of time
I would wake up
stretch
breathe
and miss you
they told me to let it go
to let you go
and I would say:
you can not simply will your heart to stop beating
that no matter how long you hold
your breath for
you cannot hold it forever
and I could only stop missing you
if I stopped being myself entirely

as humans we are like chameleons
in that. depending on
what's put in front of us
we change
what you want today
you might want tomorrow
and the beautiful thing is that,
that is okay
you grow, you change, you adapt
don't let today define your tomorrow
you have to let go of the edge
you cling to in order to fly

a sunken chest
on the ocean ground
to never be found
was where she found me

there she stirred
my every thought
my every word
so gently, so profoundly

now I am kept
from dreams I dreamt
when once I slept
so soundly

silly little girl
don't fool yourself
they've seen your scars
they just don't want to help

little do they know
how much could change
with three little words
"are you okay?"

they said we were a splendid storm
but they didn't even know
that I was just the soundtrack
to the places that you would go
our rain was not renewal
it was things falling apart
it was tear drop shaped reminders
it takes more to stop than to start
you were lightening I was thunder
always one second late
stumbling through the soggy sky
as I called for you to wait
but you made sure your light shows
always left them numb and blind
so my cries were distant mumbles
as I fell further behind

who the **** made you
hate yourself to where
you can barely look at yourself
in the mirror anymore
who the **** made you hate the way your voice sounds
so you stopped singing and talking
who the **** made you stop
seeing galaxies in your eyes
who? who did that to you?
the sad part is I didn't even have
to say there name
because you know who broke you.

my love for you is like a fireplace
inside my mind
warming me up
with good memories
but as I became more and more
in love with you
it spread, it spread until my entire
mind was on fire
every. single. part. of. it.
there is no water
so I sit here and let my mind burn.

but that's what I learned over years
you don't fall in love with someone
because they're perfect
you fall in love in spite the fact
that they're not,
you'll love every little detail
about a person
their crooked teeth
chapped lips
the way they smile
and the way there eyes light up when they get happy
all of the things that make a person unique
and in the end I guess opposites really do
attract
I had dreams of New York skylines
and you dreamed of the country
we meshed together
perfectly..
but I think that's what left me heartbroken
because in the end we could never really be together.

at first her blue eyes
reminded me of innocence
I was so hopelessly in love
her; she was my everything, the only
person I trusted
then one day a switch flipped
and she didn't love me anymore
now her blue eyes just remind
me of sadness and pain

I can't seem to put it in a poetic way
how she broke me
how she forever turned me cold
all I can come up with is that
I was her piece of art
her favorite,
then she noticed a mistake
and threw me away
then started again on another canvas.

Do you have stars in your mouth
she asks
And I laugh,
She's never tasted
Winter like I have
Midnights that linger
For days. Yes,
I tell her come see

Will there be breath
For a while, I whisper
And blow on her hands
But you will sing
And the aurora lights
Will walk across the ice

She lets me
Put my hands on her
Will I die? Her hair
Like snow
Yes. I tell her
Every time

If there's empty spaces in your heart
They'll make you think it's wrong
Like having empty spaces
Means you can never be strong
But I've learnt that all these spaces
Means there's room to grow
And the people that once filled them
We're always meant to be let go
And all these Empty spaces
Create a strange sort of pull
That attract so many people
You wouldn't meet if they were full
So if you're made of empty spaces
Don't ever think it's wrong
Because maybe they're just empty
Until the right person comes along

If I Showed you my tear drops
Would you collect them like rain?
Store them in jars
That are labeled with pain
Would you follow their tracks
From my eyes down my cheeks
As they write all the stories
I'm too scared to speak
Would you stop them with kisses?
Bring their flow to a halt?
As you teach me that pain
Isn't always my fault
Would you hold my face gently
As you dry both my eyes?
and whisper the words
"You're too precious to cry"
If I showed you my teardrops
Would you show me your own?
And learn all though we are lonely
We are never alone

I wish I could laugh.
Laugh like it doesn't matter
Like you don't matter
To a lot of people you don't
That's the problem though
I'm not one of those people
You matter a lot
And it hurts
It hurts because I wanted more
But when more wasn't available
I was still happy with friendship
And that's what I thought we were.
Friends.
But apparently not
I wish I could say it with a laugh
Ha. Ha
Guess I was wrong again
You're embarrassed of me?
Join the club.
You want me to leave you alone?
Well all you had to do was ask
Want me to stop hanging around?
Done! And done!
...
But I can't
Because I don't have a mask
Well not one durable enough
To hide these eyes
Eyes full of tears
Eyes full of anger
Guess this is goodbye then
Because I deserve better
Than to be around a soul
Who continues to stab me
Jab at me with his words
I have enough wounds
Without you.

Isn't it ironic?
How I comfort people with problems
And not fixing my own
How I wipe others tears
While mine are continuously rolling?
How I know their pain
Yet they don't know mine?
How I tell them to not hide
While I hide my tears inside?
How I encourage them
Yet I discourage myself?
How I assure them everything will be okay
And I do not believe it myself?
How I treat each one as precious human beings
Yet they treat me like ****?
How I prioritize
While they treat me as an option?
How I sacrifice and give everything
And receive nothing at all?
Yes it is ironic
But that my life, I have a choice
To end it or to live it
It's gods gift
I'll live it for now
Time changes I may end it too, someday.

I think I finally figured out
Why I have a deep love for balloons
as a child my mom only let me have
Them on rare family occasions
They were only seen at birthday parties
Or holiday celebrations
As a child I was happy.
As a teenager in high school
My mother didn't care weather I had them or not
I had a job
I was making my own money
So I bought my own balloons
Almost every week
As a teenager I am not happy.
The thing about balloons is
They can fly away at any given moment
They can go soaring way up
High in the sky when ever someone lets them go
Once you let go, you'll never be able
To grab that balloon again
And that's something I wish I could do
I just want to fly away and never come back again.

Normal kids go to sleep
Before 11
The slackers go to bed
After 12
The broken kids
Stay up all night with there
Headphones in staring at
The vast nothing
Because their minds at never at rest
Their tired physically and emotionally
But
Peace will never reach their soul
So I'm those very moments in between
Hating how
Sad and broken they feel
Between hating life
They wish, they pray, dream for that moment
Where peace will sweep over their mind
And in the midst of it all
When they finally drift into the nothing of their minds will finally be at rest
Just to start the chaos in the morning
To another depressing day.

She sat alone
Alone and at home
Where her screams were silent
But her mind was violent
Her insecurities hid deep inside
And they indeed did eat her alive
A tear rolled down her face
As her heart began to race
She took her blade and tore her skin
Where her depression lied deep within
This went on for days, months, years,
And until she cried her very last tears
She decided she had enough
The world around her as too much tough
She took a gun to her head
Congratulations society
She's dead

Red were the roses
The ones I left on your casket
Orange were the leaves
The ones in your tree
Yellow were the bruises
The ones that covered you head to toe
Green were the stains
The ones on the hem of your jeans
Blue were your lips
The day you were found in your noose
Indigo was the night sky
That night that you died
Violet was the bruise
That you wore around your neck.

You stood there behind me
As I threatened to jump
Although everyone had left
You choose to stay
And I stepped closer to the edge
You joined me and took ahold of my hand
In confusion I asked what are you doing
In reply you said
" my reason for life has always been you
And so if you jump I will too"
I broke out in tears
Unable to believe
That someone like you
Could ever love me
I knew then that
Death was not the answer
That it never would be
And that what I really always wanted
Was to spend
The rest of my life
With you.
You saved my life that day
And I don't think I'll ever be able
To thank you enough

She noticed everything
But didn't say much
She put a smile on her face
Fooling everyone,
She laughed
And everyone thought she was happy
Maybe if you actually looked at her
You'd realize how fake it all was
If you just took the time to look in her eyes
You would have seen how close she was to tears
But you didn't
You actually thought she was happy

When I die
Do not come to me with flowers
And eyes full of tears
Come to me with your new favorite book
And tell me all about it
Come to me with your favorite person
And tell me all about them
Come to me with a smiling face
And tell me all that I'm missing
Don't come to my grave sad
Come to my grave happy
Because that's all I could ask for.

When I was both young and naive
I believed in anything
And you told me that the twinkling stars
Were ******* by strings
That the moment I had joined this earth
A brand new one was strung
And every night out there in space
My sparkling star still hung
As is rose I'd ask the wise old moon
Which star up there was mine,
Guessing at which point of light,
My life had caused to chime
But nights are not eternal
Nor naivety or youth
And the world was quick to tell me
What I thought was not the truth
It wasn't string that stopped the stars
From falling out of the sky
And you didn't get to untie yours
When you kissed this world goodbye
But I think there's always somethings
That Pure knowledge can't explain
And I'll stick to what you said
Though the world thinks I'm insane
For it's hard to say what isn't true
And see clearly what things are
When on the night you slipped from earth
I saw a shooting star

There was a creaking in her attic
The kind that settles in your bones,
Makes your heart flee when you have the thought.
Of facing it alone
Her mind made it an object
With each creak sending her numb
Like noise possessed a pair of hands
Wrapped tight around each lung
The world told her to fear it
"There's nothing good in the unknown"
And she wondered if they had ever faced,
The creaking of their own.
So she built herself a ladder
From the thoughts that screamed to stop
And she climbed it to the darkness
Waiting at the very top,
There inside her attic
Prepared to fight it to her death,
Her fingers shook against the switch
And fear gripped at her breath
As the light flickered above her,
Not a monster was in view
But a group of dreams she'd dare not have
In fear they'd not come true
The creaking in her attic
Had been a plea into her heart
A dare to face the unknown
And release them from the dark
Because you won't encounter freedom
If you give into your fright
Sometimes the bravest thing you'll ever do
Is just turn on the light.

Take long showers and rub your skin raw
Until it becomes red
And their touch has been washed off
Their kisses and hugs washed down the drain

Say their name over and over
Until it becomes distorted
And foreign in your mouth
So all that's left are traces of bitter taste
Wash it down with a glass of wine
Or two
Or three

Remove all the sheets and blankets
That were once entangled with their legs
And embedded with their scent
Clean them. Rip them. Burn them.
Buy new ones. Buy a new bed.
One where the mattress has yet
To comform their figure

Start hating yourself
Because no matter what steps you take
You can never forget them
You don't even really want to

I wonder
How many pills
Or cuts
Or"accidents"
Or break downs
Or panic attacks
Or "bad days"
Would it take to prove
I resemble a tree
I look strong on the outside
But when a part of me snaps
Inside
There is nothing left but my rotting years

Never trust a mirror
For a mirror always lies,
It makes you think that all your worth
Can be seen from outside
Never trust a mirror
It only shows you what's skin deep
You can't see how your eye lids flutter
When you're drifting off to sleep
It doesn't show you what the world sees
When you're only being you,
Or how your eyes light up
When you're loving what you do
It doesn't capture when you're smiling
Where no one else can see
And your reflection can not tell you
Everything you mean to me
Never trust a mirror
For it only shows your skin
And if you think that dictates your worth
It's time you looked within

You said you couldn't keep waiting
For me to say I love you too
But id say it to you everyday
In ways you never even knew
It poured over the umbrella
That I held for you in the rain
Caught in the way I kissed your bruises
Just to take the pain away
Baked in the cake I made you,
When you got the biggest slice
And then you told me you loved it
How I baked it for you twice,
It was buckled in the seatbelt
I always told you to put on
And in the ways I would miss you
Every time that you were gone
I might not have said those 4 words
In the old standard way
But I'd learnt to speak much louder
Than anything that you can say
So if you're really tired of waiting
For those four words to leave my throat,
All I can say is that it's cold outside
So don't forget your coat.

Take a glass
And shatter it
And watch it
Turn to dust

Leave some
Metal in the
Rain and watch
It slowly rust

I know you
Have glue and
I know you
Have paint
And you are
Doing all
That you
Can

But please
Understand
When I say
I cannot be
Whole
Again.

I hate how people always assume
If you're depressed, you're suicidal
Because I am depressed
But I have never dragged a blade
So hard into my arms
My veins burst
And I have never tied a rope to the ceiling

I am depressed but I have never
Left a suicide note for my family
And I've never tried to **** what's inside of me

I am depressed
And I deal with it everyday
And I don't think that people realize
That sometimes
Your sadness isn't you. It's what's inside you
And sometimes when you mad or sad
It isn't your tears or your hurtful words
It's the monsters

People tend to romanticize depression
And I'd like to tell you it's beautiful
And I'd like to tell you it's cruel
But to be honest with you
It's both
Some days it makes me happy
Because sadness is a drug
And when you're at a perfect high
It's beautiful
But when your either too low
Or on the edge of too high
It's like your dying
And with every breath
You're closer to killing yourself
In the mental sense that is

There are two types of love


There's the kindd you find
In good morning texts and shy smiles
The kind that comes with
Butterflies and stolen glances
The kind
Where you laugh for no reason
And a smile is forever glued to your face
Sweet, simple, honest, pure.


And then there's


The kind that finds you
In 2 am phone calls
And the tears on your pillow
The kind that come with
A war between your brain and heart
The kind where
Nothing makes you happier
And nothing makes you sadder
Passionate, overwhelming, intense, daring
And when it all comes crashing down
So
Do
You.

Even from far away
You could see it
They were drunk
But not from any type of beverage
They were drunk off eachother
The way they laughed
The way they kept sneaking glances
even though both knew the other one
was looking too
The way they curled into eachother
With a nervousness hidden behind
a subtle excitement
Even from far away
You could see it
They found eachother
Utterly intoxicating

You dipped your toes
Into the darkness
As though to test if it was cold
And I knew right when
You shivered
You were more scared than you had told
I wrote my words into a life ring
Something to keep
Your word afloat
But against the strength of your nightmare
They were a soggy paper boat
I don't know what the blackness told you
What wonderous things
It planned to give you
But I watched as the light died in your eyes
Along with your will to live
I screamed your name to pierce the silence
But you were
Too long gone to hear
Caught somewhere between being noticed
And wanting to disappear
You once said you were scared
Of the darkness
And that you'd never learnt to swim
But with its promises pumped
Through your veins
You held your breath and jumped right in.

They announced on a Monday
In our schools old sweaty hall
That a girl I had math class with
Wasn't coming back at all
You could hear the silent questions
She was perfect wasn't she?
What demons was she fighting
That we were all too blind to see?
I sat in math that Monday
Beside her now abandoned desk
While our teacher warned us not to fail
Our fast approaching test
I remember she once whispered,
That she was envious of me
My parents knew the work it took
Just to get a simple 'B'
I wish I'd noticed earlier
Or had the decency to ask
Because her world must have been crumbling
Behind her "perfect student" mask
And I wonder if on that Sunday
It was the last thought in her brain
That the only A+ she could give
Was the blood type in her veins

There was a young man
Everyone thought was quite
Handsome
So he ******* his face
And he held it for ransom


He made everyone back up
20ft
Then he ran off with his head
Down two darkly lit streets

The whole town wondered why he'd
Threatened his face
They couldn't understand
It was just that kind of place