The longing I feel for you
At 4:54 am Breaks me
I didn't want to love like this
The facade of not needing
Anyone cracks under the
Gentle weight of your warm
Breath as I lay wrapped
In your tight arm
Our feet touch
Our legs intertwine and I
Realize this is what happiness
Is
No bells or whistles
It didn't cost anything
Just you and I in a dark and quiet
Room and I am home
You have crept into the deepest parts of me
Your words...
Your touch on my skin...
The way you look serious all the time
Has infiltrated my existence
You quite silently tiptoed past
The yellow tape across my
Shattered and weary heart
That read "crime scene do not pass"
You dared to cross even when
The warning signs were clearly labeled
My mind races in the telling
Me I don't deserve this love
I pray I do not wake to find that this
Precious love was
Just
A
Dream.

He convinced her
To jump
Promising that he would catch her
But as soon
As she
Started to fall
He was already turning around

The truths now unfold
The story is now told
Crying eyes
Hidden lies
Just too many goodbyes


Now it is forever like before
But now is different
I have closed the door
Sorry is just a word
And now the memories will become blurred

They all claim to anyways

But do you?
Do you understand
Tears rolling down your cheeks at 3 am
Do you understand
Permanent sadness?
Do you understand the hollow feeling
You get when you know
You'll always be alone?
Do you really think you understand?!?
I screamed to them

All they could manage
Was a small gulp
As they tore their eyes away
And said they understand

Suicide is the only thing
That you can control
In your life
And that's why it's considered a sin
Because your beating God
At his own game

10 years of old
Fatty meals chubby thighs
Runway models with well defined bones
Saying no to a burger and chips
After all a moment on lips, a lifetime on hips

12 years old
Balanced meals and pinching thighs
Brainwashed friends with pro Ana
And wanting to hurl
After all boys don't like fat girls

14 years old
Skipping meals and thinner thighs
Five mile run for one cube of cheese
Counting calories not wanting meals
After all nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

16 years old
No meals and gap in thighs
Arms like match sticks, poking out ribs
Size two dress and body so mini
After all this is what society likes right?

Some are hidden by
Long sleeves baggy sweatshirts
Behind bloodshot eyes
And stale breath
Written in light graphite
On crinkled sheets
In shoeboxes
Therapy sessions
And 2am text messages

There is a big difference between
Going to school and being educated
And I never knew that until somebody
Told me that memorizing
And learning
Are not the same thing at all

And I soon understood what they meant
When I couldn't memorize a recipe
But still have to learn how to bake

Or I could memorize numbers for hours
But still have to learn why they matter
And what their purpose is

But mostly, it sunk in when
I realized that I could memorize the way
Your mouth formed its words
But I had to learn the hard way
That I never knew if what
You would put in my belly
We're butterflies
Or bricks

I taste you on my tongue
When you twist it in knots
I feel you in my bones
And I hear you in my thoughts

Somewhere along the line
Too quickly to be caught
You grew around me like
One big forget me not

You met me at a very strange time
In my life
When I didn't want to be saved
When all I wanted
Was to be buried alive
And I don't know how
But
You made me want to save myself
And that's how
I knew
You were dangerous

This is the poem
For all the lovers
Who are not loved in return

This is the poem
For all the thinkers
Trapped inside their heads

This is the poem
For all the lonely ones
Without someone to hold

This is the poem
For all the alcoholics
Drinking themselves to sleep

This is the poem
For all the writers
Stuck between the lines

This is the poem
For all the tired ones
Losing sleep over themselves

This is the poem
For everyone listed above
For no one else
No exceptions

I love the way
Your legs brush
Against mine
In the morning


And I love waking up
Late at night
To brush my fingers
Down your face


But I no longer know
If you are the one
I wish to brush legs with
In the morning


Whether I stay or go
Please don't forget
How ardently
I have loved you


And please don't
Push me out
And never
Let me back in


I feel so selfish
To leave you
But to need you
To stay hooked on my chain


But I will never know
If I don't leave
And I will never leave
If I know I'll never get you back

They hugged goodbye
But continued talking
Old love catching fire again
It was as if time stood still
Neither one of them wanting to leave
I watched from a distance
The way she looked at him
And the way he looked at her
Then they said their final goodbye
I watched her leave
And him go the other way
But then I saw her
Turn around to look at him
But he didn't look back
She left a piece of her heart in that goodbye
And he took it with him

Depression is a war
A battle against yourself,
Every thought is a bullet,
Every movement is a punch.
Every word is a stab in the heart,
Depression is a thief
It steals everything you once had
Everything left behind is the things
that keep you trapped
Depression is a ******
It killed the boy I use to be
I look in the mirror,
And I see this thing
Depression is a zombie.
You aren't alive but you're alive
But you're unaware of what's happening
You're the walking dead
Depression is a nightmare
You wake up into hell
You're afraid of living.
Everything seems impossible to bear.
Depression is an ocean.
A sea of emotions
You're drowning everyday
However you're never saved
Depression is a bottomless pit.
Never ending pain,
Never ending struggles
There is no light
There is no escape
depression is a war.
A constant battles within
Yourself
I think I might surrender for I had enough
Depression is a war
You either win
Or you die trying
And I'm afraid to say I'm losing..

You asked

"What's the scariest part?"

I answer;
"the scariest part is not the feeling of
loneliness
Or the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain,
Of emptiness.

Th scariest part
Is the realization
That you have lost yourself
completely
Sinking in as you lay awake
At 2am
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can't even try
because you don't even care."

I am the human contradiction
I have no self confidence
Yet I have a massive ego
I want to turn my life around
Yet I want to die
I want people to think I have no weakness
Yet all I want to do is cry
I want to be the best at everything
But I don't want to try
I want to stop hurting myself
But that's all I seem to do
I don't want people seeing my scars
Yet I want them to know I'm scared
When I wake up I want to be happy
But I don't want to wake up anymore

I can hold myself together durning the day
I can occupy myself with
mindless tasks or,
Sleep to escape it all
But at night is when
I start to unravel
And my eyes
They leak
And my insides spill out
And pool into my lap
And I'm struggling to keep my head
Above the water
And it has always been too
Shallow
To drown in but
I think it's finally
Deep enough.

you saved me from killing myself
you saved me from drowning
myself in sadness
you saved me from all the heartbreaks


you fixed me
And told me to trust you
everything was going to be alright


I trusted you

but now
who's going to fix me?

You left.

I think I hit
The point in life
Where
I'm just done

I cried
I fought
I tried

But everything is crashing down

My demons
They are screaming louder
Trying to eat away
At the rest of me

And this time
I'm not going
To fight back

I trusted you but you left
I tried to give you my all
And show you that I
Loved you
And show you that I
Cared for you
To show you that I wanted you

But I didn't end my life for you
To leave me here crying
On the side of the road
Drunk

I've seen guys like you
It's called my dad
My mother would throw herself at him
And make him happy
Do anything in the world
And he just pushed her away

You are nothing
You are not a man
You are not even close
You don't hit a woman you keep
Your hands off of her

I told you no
For the first time
After loving you for a long time
And
You left
I gave you my world
You left
I gave you my everything
You left

Now go learn to be a man
Cause you're not leaving me
Anymore
I may be drunk and
Sad
But
Guess what
You didn't leave this time

I left

and when I lie awake
At 3 AM
Tossing and turning
And hear my phone vibrate
I fight the tired feeling of
Checking it
To see who the message was from
Only to have tears streaming
Down my face
Down my cheeks
From my red and sleep deprived eyes
Because it wasn't from you
It's never from you anymore

every time time you
Tell your daughter
You yell at her
Out of love
You teach her to confuse
Anger with kindness
Which seems like a good idea
Till she grows up to
Trust men who hurt her
Cause they look so much
Like you

I'm trying to forget about something I never really new

Wow

Just imagine..
That girl in your class
She's abused at home but
She's bullied at school
She wears long sleeve shirts
And pants all the time
She gets beat up and called a freak
And messages that tell her
To **** herself..

She goes home to her room
Her parents are fighting
Again..
She says goodbye,
She takes some pills and makes
Deep slashes in her wrist.
She gets dizzy,
Her mom comes in and finds her
She thinks it is her fault

But no it's yours because of those
Words you said..
She could not take it
Those words were hurting her
Just imagine the hurt you caused
That family..

It's kind of sad actually
Because after years
And years
And years
Of feeling
It's like
One day my brain was done
All of my feelings have been felt
It's sad cause I can't feel
Anything anymore
It's like a never ending pit
In my stomach
That pumps and pumps
This addicting kind of numbness
Into me
My stomach gets hot and my heart,.
It gets cold..
I cry because I realize I have lost
And this is



                        Game over.

It's terrible that people
Actually hate themselves
Because they aren't
A certain weight
Or don't have certain grades,
Or don't have this or that,
And will physically cut themselves
Open
People are terrified of being
Judged
Because they don't look the
Person on the cover of
That magazine
So maybe if we showed people
That it was okay to be who they
Are
Instead of just saying
"Don't be afraid to be you
As long as you're confident it
Doesn't matter"
Then maybe there will
Be less people
With slashes on their wrist
And notes saying
"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough"

I feel like your smiles are all
Lies, and that you secretly hate
Behind that mask which you
Use to cove the glances
Of myself to the others when
I look away

I feel like I am the flower at the bottom
Of the bench, you'd rather pick the
One at the top, because they keep
A much more beautiful
Company

I feel like I am your second choice
When your Boredom tells you
You're desperate enough

It's 3:13 AM on a Saturday morning
I've just told you that I love you
Because they say that
You're most truthful
At 3AM because.. Well I don't know

I called you at 2:58 AM
I confessed my love to you
At 3:03, I ended my call
At 3:12 I sent it over and over

I honestly don't know
What made me do it
Fate, infatuation, lust?
I really don't know, but What I do know
Is that you make me feel some way

Kinda like when you see your
Food coming at your favorite restaurant
Or Christmas morning when your
7 years old and not being able
To hide your excitement

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe it's sleepiness
Sleep deprivation does things to you
But I don't care because
It feels really good to write about
Something other than pain
At 3:24 AM

"You always hurt the ones you love"
As if it makes it okay to.
Say words you know they hate
Leave for two hours in the heat of an
Argument
Yell and scream and fight and argue
Or push them into the coffee table

You do not hurt the ones you love
It's as simple as that
You do not leave when they need you
The most
You do not
Write, type, speak
Words, phrases, sayings, sentences that will break them

You do not break the ones you love
And if you do
And you happen to feel no remorse
Because
"You always hurt the ones you love"
Well then you never loved them
To begin with did you.

"Just tired"
He muttered

But you could tell it wasn't
Just the lack of sleep

But lack of hope
And happiness

That made him
Act the way he did.

Smile brighter to cover the pain
Go ahead. Act like life is all just
A big game.
Laugh harder to hide your shame
Don't let them know you're going
Insane.

They might try to fix you
When we both know
You'll never be the same

I looked at a picture of us
I was 7 you were 5
You had the most breathtaking smile
What happened to that little girl
That dreamed the impossible
That would hide behind mom
When she was shy
That would look at me
As if I was her protector
You don't smile much anymore
And the things that do make you smile
Aren't really who you are
I miss the little girl
That believed in herself
And that she could do anything
I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you
From a world that broke your heart
I just want to see you
Smile like you use to
You deserve to smile again
But the sad part is
I heard you say
You don't smile the same
Anymore.

She moved on, and
I feel sorry for you
Because she thought
You were the most amazing boy ever
If she could have had any guy
In the world
She still would have picked you
Now, you're just
Another part of her past
A memory more faded every day
And someday, she'll find the one
She deserves, and he will make
Her the happiest
Girl in the world

It is sad
That some
People
Aren't waiting
For their
Happy Ending
Anymore.


They are
Just
Waiting for
The end..

You want the truth?
All those times I've said
"I'm okay"
I lied
Truth is
I'm not okay
And I wish you already knew that
I've always kept it a secret
Because you're all the way over there
And I'm all the way over here
And I didn't want to make it so obvious
That you are the only thing
That makes me okay..

And when I said it
Realized you heard
"Everything is fine"
While I heard
"It couldn't get any worse"

Please don't say
That you love me
Because you never truly did
Love me.
Maybe you liked,
              Or even loved
The thought of being
With me.
But you have never loved me,
You see,
Because you destroyed me.

And because of that,
          I am sure,
That you never loved me.

I fell in love with a music box
You were a music box
With your lid shut so tight
Just waiting to see who
Was lovely enough to
Want to hear something
Beautiful
Just waiting to see who
Cared enough to
Open you up

I fear
You'll wake up one night
missing me
And it will be far too late.

I think
She's caught
Between who
She is
And who she
Wants to be

I've been told
That people in the army
Do more by 7:00am
Than I do
In an entire day
But if I wake at 6:59am
And turn to you
To trace the outline of your lips
With mine
I will have done enough
And killed no one
In the process

Tonight I realized that
You weren't the one who
Wrecked me,
Ruined me,
Or destroyed me,
It was me
Because only I
Have the power to do that
To myself
                        I destroyed myself
                         By loving you.

It's 4 am
Your perfume is on
Everything, on me.
On all the world - you
Are all around, you
Are all of my tattered
Senses and no poetry
No song, no writing,
Nothing in the world,
Will make this better

It clears. And the sun
Throws light on the dust
On the windows, the

Constancy of that
Mist. To see "if the
Weather is with us"

And it is
It is amazing
How much a
Window lets in

Or out. Part of a
Cross from a tower
On a puddle on

A connecting walk,
White water pipes that
Sidle up the sides of

White buildings to tie
Tin cornices to
Ground, other windows

Polished by indrections
Of reflections, Quiet. The sky.

I was so undeserving,
And yet, you were
So relentless.
                I pushed ~ You pulled
                I wept  ~ You embraced
                I bled  ~ You repaired
                I stopped ~ You smiled
I was a disaster~
The worst of its kind
                     And yet you still
                      Had the audacity
                       To let me know
                                  That I was beautiful

I don't know why
We drifted apart
But we did
And I regret it

I want us to be friends again,
The way we use to

I want us to stay up all night
Talking about what's on our heart
Because no one can make me
Feel as comfortable as you
And no one has won
My trust, the way
You still do

I want you
To undress
Your heart,
And show me
How much
It hurts,
So that
I can show you
How I intend
To make it stop.

Today
Is the day
To stop pretending
That you're okay
With not being okay

Yesterday
Could have been the day
You lied your last
"I'm fine"

Tomorrow
Could be the day
That you actually
Mean it

If you
Do not
Pull the weeds
In the garden
The flowers
Will never
Grow

It comes and goes as it rushes over me to take me in all at once. I blow out the smoke of my last cigarette and that's when all of it comes crashing down all at once. Oh god I hate myself and I can feel it coming in waves