She steps out of the shower expecting the water to wash away those thoughts
“Let go,” she tells herself
A deep breath in…
Let.
Go.
This doesn’t take away the thoughts
Those feelings

She dries herself off with a towel
As it scrapes loudly against her skin
The idea of drying off seems silly
It feels foolish

She wants to collapse down where her feel lie
“keep it together,” she tells herself
But moving to another room that feels just as empty is idiotic

Stumbling into the next room
She falls into the bed
Disintegrating.

Day one, they say.
Day one is the hardest,
I agree.

But what about day 25
& 36?
Will I ever feel relief from you?

You need 2 things: chemistry and timing, they say.
Well, we've had one.
Is it strange to say I miss you?
That I've never connected with someone in the way we have.

I hope you come back
& I hope you save me.

There are times when
My nerves are numb
My thoughts are blank
& blood stops pumping through my frozen veins.

I have come to the conclusion I am incapable of "love"
I am incapable of perceiving this perceptual, intimate affection
The everlasting and hopeful joy which one feels towards another.
Do I feel it?
Yes. But briefly have I ever felt... well... anything.

There is no place or person I can call "home"
I look for it in everything
I have gazed for security in every soul ive ever met
I have searched for warmth in every room ive explored
But where and who can I call home?

I find love in myself
I find home in my comfort
and I feel more alone than ever.

I wonder why i've been placed here
with these people
in a place where I feel so homesick when I am home
Continuously searching for a place or person that makes me feel whole.
Inevitably seeking something that does not exist.

Your glances still flood my head
The looks of love awaking in our bed
I'll love you forever, he said

There was love
Caught in the wind
I loved you endlessly, cant you see?

How have we reached this edge?
Blatantly blindsided by the path we've been led
Who has let us waste away?

Accompanied by the full moon I lay
Dance with me in my mind, I say
Grab me by the hand and never leave
When I see you in my dreams
Please stay
You've left too many times ago
And I'm just not ready to let go

I used to believe that...
I was born with a hole in my soul,
I felt a bit too much,
And that all of these highs and lows are abnormal.

But what if…
It’s you with a gaping hole in your soul?
A dark abyss where your morals should stand
& numbness where your feelings should lay?

This unfulfillment I feel is not emptiness,
It is simply the absence of life that I crave in my soul.
The feelings that I capture only a glimpse of in my dreams.
The feelings that I endlessly search for..
They are here. They are everywhere. But they are hidden and so out of reach.
By you.

It's not that I feel too much,
It's that you feel too little.
And you've conditioned yourself to accept this absence in your spirit,
That it is just a part of life.

When I feel so low.. You call it an illness when you are the one who is sick.
This norm is not normal at all.

I find myself here
More times than I should.
The taste of nicotine stained on my tongue
The thirst for anything that will find me relief
Who am I really?
Because this sickness and madness takes over everything that I am
Sneaking up on me bit by bit, unnoticeable
Until it’s too late.
I’m so tired of fighting this.
The days I cannot make it to my bed
And the days that I feel nothing.
And everyday - the feeling of uncertainty.
The feeling of complete emptiness and loneliness.
The feeling that grips me up and rips out everything I thought I am.
The days I cannot recognize this person looking back at me.
This. Disease.
It is me.