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Phairy Mar 2014
Tell me,
You love me...
  

Because I can't handle a life without you anymore,
Don't you see?
Phairy Aug 2014
My face? Always paid my rent
I'm no Diva... But go on tell those morons.

I scorned creatures and went with judgment...

Those who chose to be alone
In order of losing the one...

All I had to do was point at someone,
Crawl under their skin and I would score.
Victory!

But it is nothing but losing and grieving.

Between the douchbags and jerks,
I had some whom intelligent and charming.
If this was high school, they'd be popular kid and I am the forbidden fruit.
I could have it all, only point.

But my finger rejects to go high enough
My feelings denies the sense of loneliness
My thoughts gone deaf
My heart declines love, full of disabilities.

I do not know what makes things the way they are...
But if there is no you, there are no others.
If there is no possibility of our love, there won't be any other.

I've scorned those whom are only lonely for their lost ones.
I find myself, scorning my own flesh.

Why does it feel like, anyone but me?
Phairy Aug 2014
Let me lick you down baby
let me enjoy the maze
You can tell I been in flames
Baby come on don't leave me in pain
Phairy Dec 2017
It scares you to be happy but that is exactly what broke your heart.

You told me not to face the ground, dig my head into the sand, why can't you take a look up anyhow?
Phairy Aug 2014
I miss you...
I can't get a hold of you... In my dreams... In my life.

But I get ghosts of you following me around, invading my thoughts...

Conscious...
Unconsciously...

I am blessed with a curse.

You are everywhere near me,
Yet I can't enjoy the simple pleasures with you.

Like, touch you... And that, I find myself craving more than to breathe air or eat a meal.

Keep visiting my dreams, I don't know what would I do without you there.
Phairy Oct 2014
Feelings are very confusing and complicated for me.
It takes me years of bitterness and haterd to realize love.
Months to understand sadness.
And decades to feel any sort of emotions.


Until I see feelings whether they were mine or belonged to someone feeling any towards me, I spend my days smoking them out.

And by the time I realize, its little too late!
Phairy Apr 2014
I tried to pick my pieces up,
A lot of them were missing and some of them didn't fit.

It remained incomplete...
Took me years to understand,
I am not a puzzle to put myself back together.


For awhile I panic! And I tell the world my soul is dead... It is worse than that,
its burned.

From the scars lying on my hand and thighs.
From the idea of burning my skin with lightened up cigarette in my right hand and how much of a joy it might bring me.

To feel burned inside out.
I'm not a puzzle or dead.
I'm burned and the burns itch from time to time; recovering faster than a person with cold suffering from a running nose.

They have always said,
Be careful of the fire because it sits you on flames; but I never knew the fire and the burns can be this amusing to a human.


Perhaps I am not much of that either...
Phairy Feb 2014
I walked through hell for you.
I know you didn't ask me to do it but I did it anyway;
I had a reason.  
Because I loved you too much and cared way too much and worries way much more than you deserve.
But I walked through hell anyway, For a very stupid reason.
As I walked through hell I sighed.
It didn't feel wrong or right.
It felt as if my demons were home and my sins were about to die and I couldn't feel anymore peaceful and less dangerous.
I was already in flames when I remembered you asking me; ******* your sins without killing yourself?
I couldn't answer back then because I couldn't lie and I couldn't ****** you with the truth but since we all are dead now I tell you;


you don't **** them...
unless you die with them.
Phairy Apr 2014
Hold my heart and cover the scars, most of them weren't supposed to be made.

But life ***** us it doesn't care how gentle we are.

Hold my heart and fuel the wings, don't let the feathers fall anymore.

Don't be my savior, I will.

Just hold my heart
Phairy Aug 2014
I've hurt myself by loving you...
I didn't mean too!
I've spent hours, days and years wondering if I'll ever be able to touch your hands...
To feel it against my skin!
God, been years haven't heard your voice. I can't recall the melody. I can't. It hurts, it burns. It kills!!
Why am I so out of luck?
I don't want to be part of this ache anymore.
I rather be stonehearted than be lovesick fool over someone I can't even reach to give it a chance
Crushing over a guy I know for years now.
Phairy Jun 2014
Teach me how to sleep without dreaming of you,,,

Teach me how to be awake without thinking of you,,,

Teach me how to exist without wanting to be part of your life,,,

Teach me how to be an individual human that no longer seeks your surround,,,

Teach me how to laugh even though I know, we can no longer meet in reality.

I have been locked inside my dreams and fantasies because it is the only place I could see your pretty face smiling at my despicable face.

I miss you; but you are so far away to hear.
Phairy Aug 2014
Oh you sweet little thing,
I apologize to myself.
But depression doesn't knock on soul, before smashing everything to a complete mess.
Oh my, sweet little thing.
I've hurt myself the most, convincing a soul too weak that it can actually live strong.

I'm sorry, pretty me.
I just never knew how destructive my life could be!
Phairy May 2014
It was one of these days, where we hang all day. You can't stand me for a reason yet you ask me not to leave your side. You barely spoke a word and we're laying on the ground staring at the ceiling in silence used to be awkward. But nowadays its all what we have. 6 inches away from each other.. All I wish to say is ask you to be get closer. This situation was usually fine but not today. Today was the worst kind of days for me because I needed to escape from him and me senses. Though my feet were disable to run, walk or crawl away in days like this. I turn my head from time to time looking at you to check if you slept. That's what I tell you but I like looking at you. Today, I couldn't take my eyes off you. I've missed you, I've been craving your voice. I wanted to kiss you. I only stared. Unexpectedly you turned your head to mine and looked at me. You looked at me with open mouth leaking silent words. Shocked to the bones but I won't take off my eyes now. Not yet. No I can't. And then you said "why are you here?" Crying voice, dry eyes. Tiredness written all over your face.
I sighed and smiled. Looked to the other way and started talking "you know, I'm a star and you're the sky. If I leave you..." I paused, looked at him in his gray/blue eyes "I die. I seek death that's true; but when you are around I wish for a little bit more time" my voice started to shake and losing breath. He didn't reply yet his mouth was still open leaking silent words. But then he held my hand and grabbed me to lay only 2 inches away from him. And that's when I knew he loves me but too scared to show it. And that's where I couldn't not to kiss him.
Phairy Jul 2014
I don't want to just cuddle in anyone's bed.
I don't want to just cuddle with someone that doesn't give a **** about me.
I don't want to cuddle with someone that only wants to *** me.
I want cuddling In our bed, with someone who sees me the sky and the stars and the moon and the sun. I want to cuddle with someone who only seek to hold me.
Phairy Aug 2014
"But he shall never know who I am!" Nicotine said in total desperation to her noxious best friend. "You don't understand, you never felt what I'm feeling!" Nicotine pulled away from her friend and ran downstairs
"You will get caught" Lela shouted trying to talk her sense out of it. "What if you got caught?"
"Then I shall be punished for this love but I refuse to regret trying to have it." She wore a jacket and a baseball cap and took off.


Nicotine wasn't a normal girl, she wasn't like Lela or girls in her age. In fact, she wasn't like anyone ever.
She was very brave and creative, dreamy but she makes it happen. She doesn't care what people might think and she doesn't like rules. She grow up with merother and both brothers, her dad died with surgery complex of  adjustable gastric band when she was 13; and he told her before he took the breath of his death "don't ever change, don't be like me. Change them without trying. Just be you, they'll follow! And never chase love, love will find you." And she never lived by any rules except for those.
She was the youngest among her brothers yet she was the strongest emotionally, physically and the brightest mentally. Nicotine never understood why the world decided to be a man's world when she is a woman and better than a lot of men!

Nicotine was a strange girl that wouldn't let anything stop her. And nothing stopped her indeed.
Until this one time...

She was 17 years old when she met a boy. Travis was his name, Travis has traveled from his school to hers and they met in English class. The only seat available was next to her so he sat there. For three seconds, there eyes met and Nicotine never been that much hooked. She was straight forward and hate the games. So by the end of the day she asked Travis out.
"Sorry, I don't tend to be rude but my sister died few months back and I don't feel like being around girls."
Nicotine flustered when this time, she didn't know how to get what she wants. She smiled and waved goodbye.
She wouldn't lose hope and she was determined to be Travis best friend! But Travis never showed on the second day of school or the third. Travis never showed up again as if he disappeared with fresh air up the mountains where people lose their way back in the forest.

Years went by but Nicotine never had forgot his details...

The way his long brown darkish hair flew unlike mainstream. Dark skin tone with black wide eyes. Even though Nicotine was 5,9 feet considered tall, Travis was almost 6,4 or something.
There have been nights when she dreamt of him hugging her tight telling her "wait, don't leave. I'm coming" or the times when she sees him everywhere and never been able to love anyone as half as the love she feels for Travis. Some nights she thought, maybe... Just maybe I love him too much because he is the one who left not the other way around! But most nights, she dreamt about way long French kiss.

One day she was walking down the streets on her way back from college. She is a senior now and a vergin.
Nicotine was in her usual bubble listening to her IPod music when she saw him again.
She wasn't sure at first. His hair was shorter and she didn't recognize the smile. But those eyes and the skin tone. **** it, she can't let him slip again.
"Yo, Trav" some whiteish guy across the road yelled to him.
Trav? Trav? He said Trav? What's the short name goes for????¿¿¿!!!¡
"For the million times dude, its Travis. Never call me Trav" Travis flicked the white guy forehead. "Whatever, u going to Delphic tonight?"
"Yep, best arcade ever!"
Nicotine stood still for awhile, losing her ability to control her lungs. Shortens in oxygen. Her mouth was all rusty and words too little. Suddenly she started running home as fast as she could. Called her best friend and told her about her plan.

That's when Lela started to be noxious.

"Okay okay, hold on" rising her hands up to shush me "you are going to the Delphic arcade across the city tonight to stalk a guy you have been in love with-one sided- for years faking that you are a guy?" She paused. "That's so normal, nothing weird about this." Laughed sarcastically
"You don't need to understand" said Nicotine.
It almost felt as it she's mourning "why are you doing this please I need to understand?"
Nicotine was racing the clock trying to get ready to be the coolest guy. Wig of short hair? Done. Thick eyebrows? Done. Guys shirt? Done. Jeans? Done. ******* corset? Done. She was very sure he is the one. "I don't know how to explain all the feelings I have for this guy. But one time I was a girl and he turned me down because his sister died months ago and then disappeared! Look at me, Lela! Do I look like a girl to say no to?"
"All this trouble for a revenge?"
"Of course not, its a give in to my heart"


Nicotine arrived at 9 pm sharp. She doesn't know is Travis here already or not but she doesn't waste time and she starts looking for him. By a pinball machine Travis stood next to his friends and the white guy she saw earlier. She knew no time should be anymore wasted.

"Excuse me?" Said nicotine in loud, stiff and sharp voice
All the guys turned around of the pinball looked at her. Except they weren't looking at a girl but a handsome guy.
"I've lost my phone and I think my friends left, can I use one of you cell phone?"
"Sure" Travis said first. Pulled his cell out of his ripped jeans pocket and handed to me.
"Thanks, won't take long"
Nicotine pulled herself aside and started pretending that she is talking on the phone by calling her cellphone voice mail. Next step, spend some quality time with Travis!!
"*******, *******!!!" Nicotine shouted through the phone and close the line dramatically groaning.
"U ok?" Travis grabbed nicotine by the shoulder.
"Yeah." Nicotine paused "I need a ride home"
"I can give you one if you like." Travis blushed. "Do you need to leave now?"
"No, I can stay for a while more.... I'm nicotine" we shook hands
"Travis... Don't ever call me Trav. Nicotine as THE NICOTINE?"
"my dad was big fan of the 70's rock bands, I happen to be a sin" Nicotine leaned closer while still grabbing his hand then she whispered "btw Trav, I never play by the rules"

Travis stood there, studying Nicotines face like a map dotting every detail as if he planning to get an A+ on geography. "You're... Different" Travis murmured.
Nicotine grinned.

They've spend days and days having fun going out for ice cream or movies. Concerts and jams. Late night phone calls and early breakfast making. They never talked a out girls which was odd to nicotine but she was relifed Travis didn't like any girls around.


They were on a hill laying down gazing at the stars in the middle of an afternoon sun. It was one the weird games they played that nobody understood.
"Listen" Travis said "I need to tell you something"
Nicotines heart pounded "listening but whisper"
Travis took a moment before he spoke again. "I'm gay." Travis sounded edgy. "I'm gay for you... Don't bail on me I love you,
nicotine. Kiss me"

In a matter of a second nicotine lost all hope for words all hope for love and all hope to forget this love that now has been so close to be reached. She got up and ran away. But this time not home. She ran to the cemetery where her dad laid...

She was caught up between telling him the truth or go get a transgender surgery. But she was afraid if she told the truth, he could never love her like he loved nicotine the guy. If she told the truth, he could not forgive her for the lie she told. She lived. Nicotine was torn in front of her dads grave and wanted for angel of death to come and take her soul. Just for a day or two. Just for a while, until Travis forgets. Until she forgets. Before this, ever have been done by her.

"Why are you crying?" A voice shifted nicotine's mind from lost to found. "What are you doing here? How did you find me" she said.
"You told me, that's where you go when things go wrong." Travis tenderly spoke, sat next to me. "Have they gone wrong?" He said.

Nicotine was trying to control her sobb "yes." Wiping her tears with her arm "I didn't mean to go so far"
Travis stared and stared and looked at nictone in a way she couldn't read his face. "There is something I should tell you" nicotine whispered frighteni for the first time in her life since her father died. "Speak" Travis whispered while his forehead clicked to mine.
Nicotine froze as soon as she felt his skin on hers. She closed her eyes not wanting to look at the disappointment in his eyes. The frown on his face. She couldn't focus when she had his breath on her face. She didn't know how to begin, she didn't know how to open her rusted mouth. "I..." Travis pulled nicotine closer placing both of his hands on the sides of her head and kissed her. Kissed her like he never seen lips before. "I know." Travis said.
"What?"
"I'm 25 years old, don't you think I'd know a girl when I see one? Specially a girl I wanted to kiss the day I met and thought I've lost for good"
Nicotine crocked a smile and rushed to his rough lips. Biting the lower lip as if she never kissed a guy before. It wasn't just lust or the need for ****** *******. It was craving to touch a skin you adored. It was listening to your favorite song alone in the dark. It was comfort that made love.
Travis slowly pulled her away "why did you fake to be a guy?"
"I was afraid to lose you again if I was a girl if you had a lover." Embarrassed nicotine spoke her words. "I'm sorry, I love you. Don't leave."
"You're nicotine... And I'm heavy smoker seeks death if it means to die by your love"

And that's how Romeo and Juliet died of lung cancer. Just kidding. They died with poison
Phairy Mar 2014
"This is not a poem FYI"


I need a hug, a one when you don't let go, ever.

I need to feel your head on my chest, your hair touching my chin, your skin on my own.

I need to be hugged for hours and hours and hours and share silence with a bit of awkward laughs from time to time.

I don't want to talk and I don't want to leave my room, I don't want to see people, too.

I need to get lost in your face and its details, Coming from a person hating this universe with what it holds that's a ****** huge deal.

I'm not talking **** and I'm not feeling much nowadays.

But I feel you.

I need to be hugged and I need it from you. Simple.
Phairy Aug 2014
Does it ever chocke you?
Do you ever run out of breaths to take?
Is it anxiety?
Does it feel like your heart is leaking tears?
Nicotine is your own definition of comfort.
You do not like it when it cracks you like clear viens in your palms.

But that's all you are...
But that's all you are...
That's all you are...
Cracks like clear viens in your palms.

You feel that limp in your throat,
Noises makes you shiver and kind gestures makes you doubt the accuracy of the reason.
People, irritates you but it confuses you how the hell do you even have friends?!

Love? Hate it, never dare to romanticize it. Because that's how you die and mostly it isn't heroic nor good.
Phairy Aug 2014
I want to touch her skin...
hold her hand and tangle it with my own...
braid her hair, I lack the talent to make a perfect one but I do not lack the feeling of wanting to do it.

I do not know her like an open book, do I?
calm like a night upon a mountain,
but wild inside as if she was raised in the jungle.
I know her like the sun knows the clouds, don't I?
how she exhale sighs like little moans. deep, crocking her lips when she smiles.
her grief and intimate moments gets us to relate.

I imagine, perhaps my imagination lacks creativity. but it never lacked heart.
I want to touch her in the most innocent way for a pervert.
I want to touch her to provoke her.
why? who knows.
but I want to touch her.
Uh.
Phairy Aug 2014
Uh.
Does it shine inside of you?
The memory of me...
Like it shines inside of me...
The memory of you.

Do you think I will ever reach you?
Race the miles and the oceans!
Do you think I'm delusional?
For loving you for years even when you don't even love back!

I wish you or anyone can talk me out of this love; whenever somebody tries to invade my world I show them the way out.
Because what if you ever showed up and what if.... Is what hurt the most.

You will love me back one day, wouldn't you? Uh..
Phairy May 2014
"you're a paradox, you care too much you think you don't, you're too nice you think you're an *******. your sadness is epic which appear in your writings. you're beautiful inside and out, I would tell them don't **** up with her or I'll **** you
Phairy Aug 2014
Smiling? What the **** do you know about smiling?
I'm disgusted of people who asks me to smile, whom doesn't understand why the **** I frown!
They don't understand how can I be gloomy all the time or why nice words could be mean!
****'em all who asks you to smile instead of making you want to stretch those lips of yours.
Stop telling me I'm irrational and that I need to be normal.

I'm a smoker with darker aura than you thought.
I'm funny and wiser than I think I am.
I'm in 20 years old body with a brain of 60 years old.
I'm proud of my brain and my nicotine.
In a world cares about nothing I find myself a smoker with darker aura caring less and less about the world.
A life so empty is a life should not be lived.
Phairy Aug 2014
Whenever I think of you,
My lungs lapses to respire.
Whenever I think of you,
My heart forgets to pound.

They say "at least we are under the same sky and we gaze at the same shooting stars and crescent moon"

But what if... That was not enough.
What if, my soul was not fulfilled with romanticized sadness.
What if, I'm drained and shriveled from this sadistic sadness.
What if, the texture of your hair and the shining pearls in your eyes were enthralling for me.
And what if, you were all that to my soul,
and I,
only seeked to be...
complete.

Only seeked to touch you,
tumble between your arms;
to fall in your heart.

These words, were carved on the curves of my lips...
And left me to fumble whenever I surrounded you.

Whenever I think of you,
It is a never ending sadness.
Because I crave to worship you... You do not crave the same.

In fact,

You do not crave me at all.
Phairy Feb 2014
I'm not a dream or a nightmare...
I'm worse,
you'd think of me in your oddest days.
I'm The conscious.
I'm not an animal or human..
I'm worse,
I'd hunt you when you want to be left alone.
I'm the intense thoughts.
I'm not grace or rouge...
I'm worse,
I'm the err you said it's permissible.
I am what you have forgot...

I don't stand in intersection, I choose a path and hold on to it...
I don't love nicely or patiently, I'd give you all or nothing, mostly disastrous.
I'm what you hide inside, what life made you captivate.

Come on and let it out...
Before I,
Make you...
Because I, Was never dove.
You
Phairy Aug 2014
You
May I dream of you again?
Can I dream of you tonight?
Will I dream of you soon?
Would you let me dream of you?

I wish I can stay stuck in a dream for a little while, to hold your hand.

I'm exhausted of tumbling around looking; for a face that cannot be found.

I'm here without you,
and they tell me it is never too late...
But what if it is?
What if you are gone forever, now?
What do I do, then?
I just need to talk to him before I lose my mind. Inhaling nicotine helps you to feel soft but not enough to get through the day sane.
Phairy May 2014
You don't have to be a poet...

But I,
Want my love...

To make you,
Wanna write.

On the curls of my hair,
About the warmth of my hand.

— The End —