still got that hole in my chest
and limp in my walk
drinking shallow breaths
as i turn into the wall
i rested my head on
as i pictured bashing it in instead
till it became pulp
and the bad thoughts oozed out red
maybe then it might all be okay
but no it's still all wrong
telephone wire nooses
cut down before they get too long
stop calling cause i'm busy
trying to find a **** to give
before i spontaneously combust
before i even truly lived
cause the list is growing
and i'm not even started
cooking cleaning making nice
******* up and having to restart it
and feeling so irredeemable because of it
and incapable and sick to my soul
would call out but i can't
because i'm also ******* broke
would call you but i slept late
cause i spent all night losing my ****
its been so hard to sleep
that i've just started making lists
that never end and don't help
quash the feelings of distraught
the world tells me i'm an okay person
but i still feel like i'm not
almost misshapen or off put
a satisfactory answer for sure
but not the best example
not what she was looking for
so just off kilter
and not quite right
hard to love and
broken of mind

i've paced a circle
in the carpet of my mind tonight
and those ballerina feet left a trail of red
against the yellowing white alright

1 step
  2 step
     3 step
                    4

whatever happens

don't
  open
     that
                    door

am i only meant to be beautiful
did i fracture the illusion by trying
sometimes i feel it, most times i don't
waiting for your judgement feels just like dying

i'm counting down the days to go
i'm marinating in thoughts
i'm chewing on the worst of them
as i burn a hole into the clock
with my drying eyes
and ache for this time to come to a close
i've sat here for long enough
i've entertained every sorrow i know

i can imagine them all huddled up
laughing at my misfortune
repainting the picture and denying my character
my actions warped and my words distorted
the blame falls down on me
like an anvil in a stupid cartoon
i'm unable to defend myself
but for their acceptance, why would i even want to?

i've been ready to leave for a good long while
but i held out to see if i was mistaken
but the proof found me and i protected myself
and that somehow made me satan
so yeah i walked away and i'd do it again
i deserve more than to be of use
i believed you and what did that get me
other than abandoned and misconstrued

so have your little party and vilify me
burn me at the stake if you please
my worst crime being reactive to the abuse
and finally choosing me
over phony peace i only had
when i would bend to your every whim
compromise was never an option
and you were never a friend

it really should be so simple
to do the right things
remembering to eat
and going to sleep
but i stare at the ceiling
unless i take certain measures
and my tongue turns to cotton
my appetite has surely been better
so uninterested in what's left of life's pleasure
unbothered to set myself out to dry
sitting on shower floor
using my little alone time to cry
and life's actually never been this great
in many ways i'm growing
but i only see things i haven't achieved
and pain i'm not showing
its so weird to be in between
healed and healing
for the last couple weeks
i couldn't explain what i've been feeling
but maybe it will come back
the hunger for something more
until i'll just alternate
between being uncomfortable, suffering, or bored

Silent ruins stand,
Ghosts of a lost world whisper,
Dust cloaks barren dreams.