We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

You said you always felt safe with me. I admitted I hadn’t found the level of openness or comfort I had with you with anyone else. You admitted the same.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

You said that you had been more comfortable and vulnerable with me than any other person besides your childhood best friend.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

I admitted I hadn’t been able to match our chemistry with anyone. You admitted the same and said you still often thought of me for inspiration.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

I thought I was the one that hadn’t moved on but you were standing still with me.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.
I normally hate talking on the phone.

I know you don’t love me like you loved her.
And I know because I don’t love you like I loved him.
It’s the scorned that can see the pain in another.

I know you don’t love me like you loved her and don’t blame it on time.
You’ll say it was two years but you said you loved her after 3 dates.
We’ve been together for 3 months.

But it’s not about the words.
And I actually don’t want you to say them because then I’d feel like I’d need to say them back and I’d feel guilty that I meant them less this time.
If you said them tomorrow it wouldn’t change my opinion.
It’s not the lip service but a knowing.
A knowing of what it feels like when you are loved like that.

I’m anxious.
It’s a general type that scares me.

Although it’s not general.

I rarely open this website if it doesn’t involve love.
It’s become my little secret outlet.
The true feelings come out here before I can write them in a diary.
The gut instincts appear in anxiety sentences in this box before I believe them.
So I guess what I’m really trying to ask right now -
Is this enough?
Will it ever be enough?

So much guilt from unproductive time.
I love an idle Saturday.
But somehow I can’t avoid hating myself for taking one.

I like being really tired before going to sleep.
It feels good to fight one last thing before bed, even if that thing is me.

After all of this time.
All these years.
I still have such a lust for possibility.
I still love the dream.
I still love working towards it.
Life is too big to dream small.

I think one of my issues with relationships is that I’ve seen them as a destination.
Instead of a climb.
A point to get to instead of a path to take with a friend.
The journey is the fun part.

Look, at the end of the day.
I’m just simply horrified,
That my married friends think it impressive,
That a woman sleeps with her husband 4x a week.
I’m too young to think that old.