I like being really tired before going to sleep.
It feels good to fight one last thing before bed, even if that thing is me.

After all of this time.
All these years.
I still have such a lust for possibility.
I still love the dream.
I still love working towards it.
Life is too big to dream small.

I think one of my issues with relationships is that I’ve seen them as a destination.
Instead of a climb.
A point to get to instead of a path to take with a friend.
The journey is the fun part.

Look, at the end of the day.
I’m just simply horrified,
That my married friends think it impressive,
That a woman sleeps with her husband 4x a week.
I’m too young to think that old.

You came up to Tahoe for the weekend.
I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone as nice and thoughtful as you.
I’ve never felt so cared for.
It made me feel overwhelmed.
Uncomfortable even.
How cared for I felt.
It made me want to push away.

Everything I want.
But I’m squirming in your affection.

I realize I wouldn’t squirm if you pulled away.
If you back burnered me.
If you acted like you didn’t care.

I would instead run towards you.
Trying to be wanted.
To win your affection.

I won and I don’t know how to accept it.
I don’t know how to hold you.
To accept the love I keep trying to earn.

I put a hoodie on when I’m high.

I have a hoodie on.
And I’m thinking about you.

I saw you in LA.
You were just as lovely as I remember.
Our week together wasn’t a lucid dream.

You brought flowers to dinner for me and Cait.
You paid for dinner.
You cuddled me through the night.

I don’t understand how you can be this nice.
What’s the catch?

We kissed to ring in the new year.
You are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.
You brought me breakfast in bed.
I’m scared that you don’t mean the things you say.
I’m not sure if it’s my intuition talking or self-preservation because if I believed what you said.
God if 50% of it was real.
I’d be in way too deep.