And at the end of all of that heartbreak.
All of the dinners you couldn’t eat.
The bottles you drowned yourself in.
The tears you left on every fabric you touched.
You’ll realize -
He was nothing special.
But the way you loved him was.

You cannot find what you are seeking in the arms of another.
You cannot cuddle or **** your way into peaceful oblivion.
You have to carve the chair in which you sit.
You have to make it comfortable.
To make it fit you.
Where your legs are not pressed and remain restless.
One where your back does not feel heavy with the weight of your head.
Only you can mold something to suit your bones.

At first I loved you too much.
It was too much because you didn’t love me back.
I don’t really know how I talked myself into stopping.
I think I finally became at peace with knowing and loving you as a human.
But accepting you weren’t MY human.

If it was up to me.
I’d be with you every night.
If it was up to me.
I’d let you win every fight.
If it was up to me.
You would still be mine.
Thank god it wasn’t up to me.

Don’t call me when you miss me.
Don’t call me when you’re sad.
Don’t call me when you realize I was the best partner you ever had.
I didn’t call you when I was broken.
I didn’t call you when I sobbed.
I didn’t call you when I was hyperventilating on the bathroom floor from the love I still felt for you.

I wonder if I’ll be a mom.
I wonder if I’d be a good one.
I wonder if that mole on my arm should be checked out.
I wonder what I’d look like with lip filler.
I wonder what my friends value about me the most.
I wonder if they all think I’m a good friend.
I wonder what it would take to just force everyone to switch to electric vehicles and if oil money is the only real thing that’s been stopping it.
I wonder what it feels like to bring someone home for Christmas I’m really excited about.
I wonder if I’ll ever have that feeling.

There were only ever two real ones for me.
The rest were just killing time.

Tonight I realized I was never a real for you.
I was just a filler and you were robbing me blind.