The months I felt the deepest I kept quiet.
I lay in bed and wonder if I’ll ever feel sure again.
If anyone will ever calm my waters that deeply.
Ignite me as much as he did.
How many I love you’s I didn’t say.
Even though I knew he felt it too.

It would have still ended in ruin.
Still here this October night searching for meaning.
I just wish I would have allowed myself to fully burst while it happened.
Right now I’m a malfunctioned firework.
Never truly went off to see beauty in the sky.
And yet, I am here. On the ground. Exploded.

I have empires in my future.
You should have never been allowed over the threshold.

Part of me hopes I’ll get married and have kids just because of the reality that regardless of how successful I am, I will be deemed a lonely failure by many if I don’t have a family.

Part of me hopes I’ll never have a family so I can change that stereotype.

I keep looking at my phone.
Thinking if I can articulate my obsessive thoughts.
Feelings.
Pain.
Eloquently enough.
They will somehow go away.

I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you.
It makes me feel like you’ve won twice.

We were made from exploding stars.
Parts of the universe from far away on a size of magnitude we can’t fathom.
So why do we feel sometimes like our circumstances are immovable?
We’re blueberry pie and deep space.
We’re atoms that formed a conscious being that can create, move, think and BE.
Let yourself be free to evolve.
Watch yourself manifest new versions of you.

I’m not sure why I keep remembering the good parts this week.

Maybe because your birthday is coming up.

Maybe because I just stopped talking to a guy I had been seeing for a few months and realized I wasn’t sad at all.
I didn’t grieve about it.
I haven’t thought about him.
I’ve instead been thinking of you.
4 months later.
And sometimes 4 months ago feels like another life and sometimes it feels like last week.

Maybe because I’m in that stage of loss after forgiveness where I can look back without anger and really feel it.

I know the universe has my back.
I know I dodged a bullet.
So why are there tears in my eyes thinking back to when I’d fall asleep with my head on your chest?