I think you were the love that gave me words.

But never bothered to teach me the language.

I spent so many nights out on this balcony thinking about you.
Worried about you.
Imagining life with you.
Missing you.
Longing for you.
Now all I feel is regret.

I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t want you anymore.
But my body is still processing the loss you.
I dream of you, almost every night.
But not the good parts.
Not the lie I fell in love with.
I dream about the truth.
I dream about who you really are.
A stranger.
My brain keeps telling my body,
“He’s not real.”
My body keeps asking,
“Are you sure?”

A friend of mine, who spoke English as her second language-
Responded to a girl we knew obsessing over her boyfriend, Bobby.
She lost him at a party and was freaking out and kept calling him, worried he was with another woman.
My friend finally pulled her aside and said,
“There are many Bobbys.”
“The world is FILLED with Bobbys.”

10 years later and I’m realizing how true that is.
There are people you think you can’t live without, but you can. So easily.
There are so many people you can have chemistry and deep emotional connect with.
But you forget that, when you’re getting it consistently from one person.
You think you’ll never find it again.
But it reality, the world is filled with Bobbys.

I thought there would be no one else.
That you would be the last.
But then, there was.
It feels different.
Like a new season.
Less harsh temperatures and volatile weather.
It’s more like a slight breeze 72 degree day.
It’s nice to not have a chapped face and cold hands.
Even if I still do miss the shock it would give me when I opened my door in the mornings.
We’ll see what this new season holds.
I hope it’s gentle.

Snap memories open up videos from five years ago.
It’s from your birthday in San Fran.
Five years ago today I was so in love with you.
Five years ago I thought you were forever.
Five years later I’m recovering from the heartbreak of another man on your birthday.
I forgot it was your birthday.

It’s a shame you’ll never see these poems like I planned.
It’s a shame the deep love I had for you went to waste.
It’s a shame I never got to present my PowerPoint about how all of my fears and yours didn’t matter if we had each other.

But I hope one day you find someone else who loves you enough to put her feelings in a .pptx file for you.
I hope one day I find someone who loves me enough to want to make one in return.