YOU say that I never hurt you
But I know that I did
I felt horrible for it ever since
And the guilt I always hid
YOU say that we parted because you don't date
And that I was a stupid boy
But you've been wrong the whole time
And you used to bring nothing but joy
YOU said that I was never wrong to you
But I know I can't believe it
I left you behind in another state
And I know I was *******
At last I realize who I was
That I was a horrible person, an *******
And with the loss of each of you
It ripped out a chunk of my soul

Alone and unwanted is how I feel.
Writing these words is how I deal.
I guess it's better than any other way.
Like the one that takes me far away.
To the land of dark and nothing,
But it's better than here where my heart is crushing.
The future is scary but the now is worse.
I don't want to continue living out this curse.
Alone, alone, It's all I think.
It's here, It's there, It's when I blink.
I feel it in each and every bone.
Alone, alone, alone, alone.

Sitting alone in a dark world
All emotion left by the roadside
And reminiscing those who left me behind
With everything dead inside
The ones that I held dear
Ne'er anywhere to be seen
Always leaving me at my worst
Of those alone, I am king
Yet ever do my friends tell me to keep my chin up
But when I'm no longer alone they hold my head under the water
And when I am single yet again
They expect me to look and not falter
But who in this world can stay strong
When those around him laugh from above
And those that he holds close
Do not share the same love
To love him for a short time
But then put someone materialistic in his place
To love him ever so much as they say
But yet always he is just a face

Dear Talia,

I don't want to be a tortured artist.
I don't want to be depressed and I don't want to be anxious.
Competitive sadness and disorders treated like accessories disgust me.

The world glamorizes mental illness, and I don't understand why. There is nothing romantic about being mentally ill just like how there's nothing glamorous about a broken wrist or a torn medial collateral ligament. There's nothing romantic about constantly being afraid that the world will fold in itself and **** you with it. There's nothing romantic about feeling like you could break down and cry at any moment.

This is the first piece I've written while being medicated.

I want it to be Christmas already.

The world dreams itself a halo, but can only attain horns. The halo is an illusion and the horns are an idea.

I'm due to take another Lorazepam. Would I look cool to the kids who idolize dysfunction and misinterpret pain as style, if I were to take one of these, with water and a distant glance, in front of them? Geez, to have their approval would to have everything and nothing at all.

I'm not sure why I've written as much about this as I have.

You.

It is 2:48 am and all I can think about, in this moment, is you.

I can't wait to spend Christmas with you. I can't wait to wear bad Christmas sweaters, and be the couple everyone hates, as we sing Christmas carols and spread holiday cheer.

I wrote this poem a few minutes ago. Sometime around 2:30 am. I'm not sure. I'm exhausted:

I sat on the edge of my bed, and on the edge of my life,
medicated to the point of pointlessness. Soft.
It was the nineteenth, not the twentieth,
and I wished I saw the fireworks with her fifteen days earlier.

My gasps tore the shingles off of the house.
And they hung suspended above the hole in the roof.
And God stared down into my room, as the shingles swirled skyward.
"I see you," I said, "but I don't believe in you."

I left home and ran until I was a dream that had passed itself.


I hope that was okay.

I love you.


Yours,

Joshua Haines

It kills me to know
That you're always in so much pain
An that I'm stuck down here
Never able to do a thing
All I want to do is ease it all away
To hold you in my arms and feel your warm touch
To do everything I can to make it better
Because I want to help you so much
With a love like a fire
It burns from the inside out
But I can only sit at home
My mind filled with doubt
Knowing that soon you'll be so far
With states between us, instead of miles away
And wishing for nothing more
But for the chance that you would stay
But i will love you forever
Regardless of whether I see your face
And I will keep a spot warm for you
For in my heart and home you will always have a place

My best friends tell me to wait
To always be there for you
Tell me to be patient
That fate will hold true
So I lay alone in bed
Always fighting through to Friday night
With a constant pang in my heart
Knowing I'm not the one for who you write
Always trying to decide to leave or stay
For fear of one of us being hurt
But does the chance that I've been lied to
The chance I've been deceived, really hold that much worth?