Her scent brings me home.

When our lips brush against each other,
It is with the brilliance of a thousand fireflies.

But when they part, they do so with the reluctance of too many farewells on train carriages.

I'll court myself once more,

Slowly, as the walls come down.

Lovingly,as if I was holding my newborn child.

Easing myself so I might hold my own joy in arms long unused.

In the first moment of truth there is brilliance.

In the second moment of truth there is clarity.

In the last moment of truth there is resignation ; the tunnel of darkness exploding into light.

There's a certain youth that he missed the first time around.

A spring in step, a key gear unwound.


(The writer's eye is unbiased.

He clearly saw something that took a while to cultivate.)

In the same time-space that it took for her, something magical happened.

Colours exploded on the dance floor, unspoken desires (perhaps a few wet *******) sweat and passion all in simultaneous eruption.

Perhaps he'll give this a spin.
Dropping and closing his eyes, blissfully unaware whether there is trust or not.

And this is where I start bleeding into you.

This is where I start bleeding into you.


You're a canvas I long to be filling it in for.


This is where I start bleeding into you.

Relive.
Relief.

Two words that couldn't be farther apart.


Why does it sound so close, yet too far?

Relive : a small chime slowly drawing you in, to dream of a dream that was never a dream. A drowsy half state of a dead mind, and the best of your heart's desire.

Relief : the guitar strings thudding loudly as the drumming in your breast tolls a bell, that never ends til destinations been reached. The mind singing choirs of devastation averted, and the heart returning back to a slow rhythm.

Feel your/my/our exposed nerves.
Comprehension breaks down as submission draws nearer.

You startled me, as if you were

Skulking about, tip-toeing like you were

Stalking around, hanging around like you were

Prowling about, shimmying everywhere!

From a blank slate, there is curiousity.
With curiousity,  abstractness appears.
Beyond abstractness, patterns tumble.

Seeking meaning, patterns into logia.
Overseeing what was lost, into sense.
Unless I'm mistaken, birthing loss.
Loss, yes loss. Sprang forth emotion.
Master of none, jack of all.
And a motion that never knew toil.
Thrumming tunes that bought ache.
Emotive, encouraging yet eccentric.


Life, is a much diluted, many splendoured thing, it brings forth things we never know if will work out, never know if what we need is behind that door.

Only when there's an equal force acting on us, do we stop spinning in place, do we stop being us, do we stop and stare, for we'd have found something to cherish.. or crush.

Victory is only worthwhile when there's someone to see it, but what use is victory when you're all alone again, all spent and used up?

Enter your desire, to be used, to be abused, to lose control, to be vague, to be understood, to be one again, after eons of separation, an empty vessel, to be filled with the other's soul.


From my hidden desire to have you
I realised I was looking for myself
And when I found myself
I didn't know what to do with myself
So I gave up finding a meaning
I gave up everything so to find myself
A prose with no mosaic
So I went into it
And I found these scriptures
Blank again
To the top again

Where I found power.

From desire, there is surrender.
From surrender, power.

Your bitter synopsis
A raging storm but quite pointless bluster
Slamming against an echo chamber
Like the empty vessel you are


My practiced charade
Masks and more masks
Hidden away my visage
For my eyes would betray my thoughts


Her eternal solitude
Penance she pays
For the sins never wrought
In permanent slumber.


His silent auction
He doesn't believe in words anymore
Actions drag him closer to the edge
Making a choice he'll never regret


Their solemn vigil
Below neon lights
With smiles long practiced
And temples beyond restoring

Our voices harmonic
As we breathe
With that feeling
Fire scorching nerves
Drowning in sensation
Grounded in the moment
Lost in the space between us.

They all feel the same.


The soft, thin lips

The thick, creamy feel.


The hunger doesn't arise.

You are to me, like how blood and wine are interchangeable, mutable.

I am to you, the raging storm passing by the coast, cold relief down your spine.


Both together, hand in hand, an addictive desire to better oneself, and the lust for ruination.


You are the ghost I'll never give up.

It's a funny metallic feeling,

A ****** taste in my mouth,

A slight despair filled with minor joy.



You're me.

And I'm you.

Without you there is no me.

Dying for you, dying for me.

Perhaps saying it makes it right,

Perhaps saying it makes it true.


Reach out to me in your sleep.

Walk alongside me in my waking hours.


Shadow my every step,

Follow each motion through.


Marry the left with right,

Kiss the top of each other's forehead.


The king in black meets a foe he has been fighting for far too long.


The seer in white comes out to hold the king's hands with the words he has been waiting for a lifetime to hear again.


"I forgive you."

We're all a beautiful mess,

A canvas with a thousand painters,

Using pallid palettes for a stroke of brilliance,

And leaving the same way we all entered.

C'est la vie./Through the glass

We abashedly curled at lips

Swooned at hips

Harkening back to a period of time that no longer existed

(Where is my mind?)

She was-
Is still beautiful
Neither there, just here now.

Her voice echoing ever and ever :

"Hello."

With the last few red strands between us, I chose to be enraptured/enthralled/captivated/incapacitated.


With the last few red strands between us, you chose to be choleric/enraged/unwilling/adamantine.


Weaving our strands back together,
We chose enlightenment/humility/symbiosis/nurture.


Stoked my flames
Freed your spirit
In slavery there is happiness
In a bond of two there is freedom
Chains interchangable
Fingers entwined
A mutual fatality
An ubiquitous invitation

For this is everlasting, everlong.

On a lighter note,
Love is a striptease that never ends
Even the most jaded will grudgingly admit
And for the notes that struck the heart
Notes that bring synthesia into the gray
Daring the gloom to seep, weeping into life
Enter joy, endless mirth, for it is how things should be.
Rejuvenating, primordial essence for the soul, and a cool wind for the mind.

We can't fall asleep outside with everyone anymore.

Our own beds are the last line of defense against the black.

The black of the past, holding nothing but rosy sepia.

A scent wafted through the air, her sunlight into your monsoon.
Your eyes closed, to take her in before she even came through the door.
Even breaths, soft chuckling curled around your ears.
Losing yourself in her presence, tracing your runes down her face.
How long have you waited for this moment?
You keep replaying that scene, with the sun behind her back in a ring of fire.
This is the fabled lover's cascade, isn't it?

All year round struggling with innate sensory overloading.


But I kept pretending that it was all good, til it wasn't.
From the little harlots I met, to the black holes I've created.


There's no more time, for one more line to blow.
Nothing in the end resembles what I imagined it to be.


**Carpe diem quam minimum credula poste

Who knew we were just two black holes spinning in a perpetual spin cycle, not even meeting the courtesy of becoming pulsars?

A love so brittle it might as well be bound in papyrus.

The faintest of smiles would rekindle it though, and etch more scriptures onto once bony, stony hearts.

Thrilling at the thought of leaving you again,
Not realising it was really me who I was going to leave.


dead state


Mistaking your smiles for more than what it really is worth,
After learning so much yet still failing the tests anyway,
Setting this bridge on fire when you're still on it.

best conditions

Prose breaks down as stanza hears your screams, freeform falling into the dark backward and abysm of time,
the hot asphyxiation leading to death throes and need for release.



im sorry


I'm leaving.
Three steps.

misdirection
erasing my existence
departure

I don't need a Khadijah.

Neither do I want an Delilah.

A little bit of what Freud said,

And unhealthy doses of Darwinism.

I'm stuck in a perpetual state of being,

I'm stuck in a constant cycle of repetition.


You can't have your cake and eat it.

But for now, the tunes will simmer, strain and boil my feelings.


With the curling of fingers down your face.

Our footsteps,
Not similar,
Yet familiar.
X meets Y in this rendition of love.

If living is literally Hell

And agony accompanies my every step

I'm glad even if you aren't.


I'm here once more with you.

What else could I ask for?

I am convinced beyond a doubt that I cannot sustain this.. normal life.

Settling for this domain has always been strange.

Cassette tapes on loop on my natural state of being : Chaos.

Fight this when every inch of my being wants to go where I wanna be?
Oh Lord. I cannot.

kisses down spine
cheeks cupped
lips trailing down


Her book still isn't stained with bile.
Her youth isn't tarnished.


hands snaking to the front
back to forward
his growling
my grunting
her moaning


I am convinced beyond a doubt that I cannot sustain this.. normal life.


I crave the midnight snack
Arms wrapping around her for warmth and sweet scent of sweat
Chewy gum tree taste on my serpent tongue


Music feeding the mood

From desire there is surrender
From surrender, power

Flesh submitting to carnal stimulation
Body realigning to devour the sin
Mandibular advancement on her sweet meat

I crave you.
Memento excoquere et ego vobis.

Finding the words to say,
Instead resorting to babbling semantics.
Victory so close at hand
Easing all sense of doubt (and courage)

Yesterday even though was rosy
Eased all doubts,
And united us, once and for all.
Restoration of hope, ending heartache.
So, we do the dance again and again.

Love, here's to you.
Oh my goodness.
Love, here's to us.

"So I uh, well. Heh."


"أنا  بحبِك"

She is my silent purpose

My unwritten desire

Until one day she realizes

I'm the little pretender

Never getting tired of her.

I know it speaks a lot when the shards that embedded themselves into me still aren't dislodged.

Much like Tony Stark, we're both afraid of what would happen if we take them out, for as much as we would literally die if we don't take them out, we're deathly afraid of the process.

What if it goes wrong?
What if it turns out worse?

What if I become different?
And I lose my sense of purpose, the burning passion, the spark of devilry put out?


What if I'm afraid of change?

Body marked by scars
Heart full of holes
Mind filled with cracks
Soul smeared with taint

But you were the best I ever had.

So tell me.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again,
And arriving at the same result.


What about doing the same thing over and over again, and finally arriving at a different result?

grinning
smacks lips


Why, I'll tell you.

It's genius.

In the end, the road to my own hell was paved repeatedly with the best of intentions : and the lack of understanding not everything is a nail to my hammer.*

Bittersweet chocolate runs down the cheek, sweet caramelized sugar around the lip.
A wonderful realisation : not everything was meant to fall into place ; not everything could go my way.


Half-boiled eggs with light soya sauce, dribbling down the spoon, crunching toast with soothing jam.
She was the flame and everyone was a moth, I recognised it for what it was, still conflagrated.

First, we write about vague things involving ourselves.
Secondly, we solemnly promise to never break each other.
Thirdly, we take a bow and dip each other in baptisms of fire.
After all that, we pretend like we had never met.
In the end, we burn down bridges and walk away amongst molten flowers.

Before you were here before,
I didn't know where to look at,
To be standing, being bronzed by the Sun, or to be seated, head held in my hands.


And the orchestral works that ensued weren't unlike bird traps, binding the next one, til I had enough and discarded innards I had enough supping on.


Never did I know the least likely of insidious chapters I would go through,
New beginnings would herald,
Gritted teeth and gratitude ensuing.


Psychosis attacks, mental breakdowns and more scars on the body, beautifully macabre.
I'm all hung up, you were all stuck up,
Til I stuck you up.

I am a machine,
I was a machine,
A war machine.

A pretty hate machine.

The feelings.. best not show them.
I gotta find my fix.
There I go, total blind march of the pigs.
Hey, I got another ******* high score.
I'm the best aren't I?
That feels good.
I saw her again.
**** **** **** better find my fix WHERE THE **** ARE MY EARPIECES
Oh God that feels so much better.
Mmmmghh. Feels like ***.
Haha, what a funny video!
****, is it about *****?
****** ****, wanna get ****** up?
I'm home, again.
Where is my fix?!
My phone's got to charge?! Useless *******!
*******! Pick up! OH YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME ANYMORE?! *******! *******!
I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET SO ******* ANGRY
****
GOD I'M SORRY
DON'T ******* WALK OUT ON ME
DON'T LEAVE ME!

The gnawing hunger. I understand it now.

I was stagnant, living with you.
Waiting for you to fill a void, imagined you would fill it.


Why was I addicted to it in the first place?

I need a cure for wellness.
A cure for the human condition.


We all desire something, someone we can never have.


**** fragmentation, **** frolicking in joy.
I'm better off this way.
Palinode. Tear. Shatter. Destroy.



You can stay in the light.
I'll stay away from you.
You can find someone better.
I'll go away for good.
Lest you put out my fires again.


I rip out the tubes that kept me with you.
This dead heart should have never beat for you.

Sullen eyes sink


Heart beats neatly like it was told to


Forged of dirges


Shaped of dirks


Owned by a ****


Static silences all the mouth elated attempts to break out of


Like the ****


A private one


Sullen and silly


With no where to go.

Your manner of speech is black,
And your gaze is grey.

One thing's for sure, everything is exactly the same, the way it started, as well as the way it ended.

Sweet flowers grace my nose,

Only to be met with disdain.

I still prefer the little harlot's.

What we claim we do for love
we do for ourselves

a proof of duty
a molting bone marrow

the silent rites
the subdued preaching

a subtle instinct
of making your mark

the basic instinct
of a flame going out.

Tell me again how your lips passed down holy writs into my spine.

i dare you to

Instruct me on how I'm supposed to dress, looking into the mirror cracked up like an old tired clown.

feed me spoil me

Undo the ropes that fester into my skin, tell me about the colours that emerge.

that same old fragrant mouth

Make me a cure for wellness, tell me how I'm wrong again, how the words don't rhyme anymore with your chains tearing into my flesh again

the same stench of rotting meat

Full of crystals from the salt of sweat


Subsumed in pain
I leave these words to you
Never will I go back again.

When she told me, that I was more than this.
I fell again, and again.
I felt like I existed again.
A year shed off the veil, a dear shied off the vial.
And I heard the fire spring loose from within, a subtle grinding of gears I stopped, for fear of straying. For fear, of the pangs coming back.
I've never been kissed in that way.
The split second I felt the world sway, I just had to get more of it.
But it wasn't a real kiss.
Not one I'd dare to take anyway.
It was like Morton's Fork.
I still know, even if I run from this, one day it'll be found out anyway.
A hunger pang for the prong she bought into my life.

the hunger we all know, the hunger we supress without much success.

the moment I knew I had to stay away.
But I couldn't.

Love after all
Is the spark that falls
And ignites
Ashes long dead

We felt the soles of our feet cracking up

As the moon gazed upon our alabaster skin

Silently we went to sleep


And then we woke up to the waves in between us, pushing us away.

Give up on her because you know friends aren't meant to fall for each other.

Leave her alone because you know that she can do so much more better.

Sever the emotion at the root so you can feel better about yourself.

**** the love you feel.

So, it's dark to you, huh.

Then take my hand and watch me slip under.

Let's drown everything in a shade of gray.


Whispering in monochrome, noir, dystopia, sepia.

I'll draw the curtains as many times as I need to.

Your ghost is still here.
But while I'm still here,

I'll walk off into the dark side of the moon.

To reconcile with myself,
What I lost when you swept the floor with your ashes.

Flowers bloom
On graves unattended

Reading from musty tomes

And as I swept the leaves away

Your bones, so yellow and cracked over.

Bending over to kiss the stone

Tracing your eternal sleep

I could have sworn I saw you holding
The most beautiful bouquet growing
From your bones.

There's a hole in my heart where you left, walked out on me with the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Will I bite the hand that feeds?

Not quite, I believe.

The grief follows rage, like remora with the sharks swimming along.


Swallow the pride and continue fighting.

Despite what you've heard, I'm not quite dead yet.

You might've erased all good in me,
But like how the sea always met the shore,
I'll still be here.

You no longer remind me of anything.

As rune carvings ran red,

And blood-red eyes began to clear.

Adrenaline entered half-life.

Ash fell from the skies once more.

Greeting the world in crow down.


"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."