Recognising the signs of attachment in him,

Jim bought out his handy dandy notebook.

Noting down the signs, taking inspiration from it but shaking on his feet, the feelings were too intense.

Pretense was, he wouldn't get involved at all. That he'd walk away unscathed, that he'd be able to laugh about it while bragging about the good times.


Time and again, he had been shown.
There was no laughing about this.

The girl who printed my heart out on paper, you have my heart.


Your eyes kept scouring for me, yet I remained deliberate aloof : I was tugging on your strings just as hard as your eyes bore holes in my back.


But hey, the black noise covering us was all we needed to look at each other.


That was the closest I've ever come feeling like me : feeling like the boy who once cherished moments like that.


And oh boy, she wants me dead.

Asked if we could become friends, but after the flurry that happened in front of her eyes, answer was no.

No.
No.


Chuckle


It's all a game to me.
Even though she slips away from my fingers, I live for the moment.

We're running out of skin to cover the brittle fingers, the metal clanging underneath the flesh.


he runs his fingers across her face one last time
she breathes out
it is the sweetest thing he has ever tasted


We're looking into the root cause of the dying emotions, our hearts speaking louder than questions and patterns.


the solid clanging echoing ever so empty in his head
she took what was hers
bring him along
please


We're holding up our hands in surrender, our tears streaming down our faces to get closer to the flame.


the empty space beside him
a quiet day within his mind
the disquiet like empty nights again
she left behind the rain
walking away with his last sunshine

Feeding the gruel to the children at the youngest age you could.

Then tearing away the bandages that held them together, not even the scars were left.

And it seemed like they would break out of the cycle you placed them in.


Only, they were doomed to become their tormentors.

The sun might rise over you.

The days may grow longer and more pleasurable with you.


The night might belong to me.

The nights, cocoon us in our endeavors.


Time keeps ticking by.


Your smile canonised my feelings.


Clueless as we were, we couldn't get enough of that feeling.

I who have become the last thing I wanted to be.

What use is it if a man gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Here's to us, you and I.

My downward spiral with your black hole sun.

*I'll trail my fingers down your skin so you can grasp my lips in yours. Excoquere et ego vobis, mi amor.

Sweet flowers grace my nose,

Only to be met with disdain.

I still prefer the little harlot's.

And then she asked,

Since when did you become such a liar?


I threw my head back, sighing in relief.


Ever since I knew what I had in my hands.


Your heart.

Burn, burn like the rage of a dying flame.


Scream, scream with the cry of a bushfire.


Flicker, flicker away as the wind puts you out for one last inevitable time.


The bridges are now torched.


There is no you, there is only me.

Onenitis struck me like the lightning bolt that blew up in my face, like thunder that followed.

You should know, by now.

Underneath the skin, well.
We were all made for some people.

And some of us, for only one in the end.

The king in black has returned

Consumed by the flame that once sustained him

Abandoned his station to buy the last few moments of respite


Now, is he even alive at all?


The king never calls for aid.

And he dies, consumed by the flames of pride.

And this is where I start bleeding into you.

This is where I start bleeding into you.


You're a canvas I long to be filling it in for.


This is where I start bleeding into you.

Sullen eyes sink


Heart beats neatly like it was told to


Forged of dirges


Shaped of dirks


Owned by a ****


Static silences all the mouth elated attempts to break out of


Like the ****


A private one


Sullen and silly


With no where to go.

Gather the rest of your bones that charred when the end came.

Grab the last pieces that used to make you, you.


Soon, from the ashes that fall.


You'll become one again.

Your expression is all the taste I need.

With the orange gumdew drops on my tongue

Crackling firecrackers on the sinew

All drugged up with euphoria

Expectation to shove you off after I'm done with you.

Caressing your cheek til the morrow

Til yellow corona peeks over the flat body of water


Watch you turn and leave

Feel the pit of my stomach churn but lips clamped shut with how I feel

like yellow dandelions bursting to soar away forever.

Thrilling at the thought of leaving you again,
Not realising it was really me who I was going to leave.


dead state


Mistaking your smiles for more than what it really is worth,
After learning so much yet still failing the tests anyway,
Setting this bridge on fire when you're still on it.

best conditions

Prose breaks down as stanza hears your screams, freeform falling into the dark backward and abysm of time,
the hot asphyxiation leading to death throes and need for release.



im sorry


I'm leaving.
Three steps.

misdirection
erasing my existence
departure

It's getting a little crowded in here, don't you think?


I can only have so many colours and voices in my head telling me what to do.


Ego, id, superego.

Eis.


Her body reminds you of a far off distant memory that screams of lessons


Of the separation when the day you discovered lust


Of the discord that kissed you when you were left with no one


It's impossible not to feel anything

So let the waters carry you off.

Let her presence not be an eldritch one, but a welcome one.

Give up on her because you know friends aren't meant to fall for each other.

Leave her alone because you know that she can do so much more better.

Sever the emotion at the root so you can feel better about yourself.

**** the love you feel.

Dance. Or rather the lack of it.

Do it, because you want to, because you need to.

And all the sounds you were looking for,
And all the taste your tongue lost.

Surrender power to desire.
Translate desire into longing.

Crank it up, swallow her voice, digest it and nurture it.

You know what you want.
You know what you are.


We are one.

From a blank slate, there is curiousity.
With curiousity,  abstractness appears.
Beyond abstractness, patterns tumble.

Seeking meaning, patterns into logia.
Overseeing what was lost, into sense.
Unless I'm mistaken, birthing loss.
Loss, yes loss. Sprang forth emotion.
Master of none, jack of all.
And a motion that never knew toil.
Thrumming tunes that bought ache.
Emotive, encouraging yet eccentric.


Life, is a much diluted, many splendoured thing, it brings forth things we never know if will work out, never know if what we need is behind that door.

Only when there's an equal force acting on us, do we stop spinning in place, do we stop being us, do we stop and stare, for we'd have found something to cherish.. or crush.

Victory is only worthwhile when there's someone to see it, but what use is victory when you're all alone again, all spent and used up?

Enter your desire, to be used, to be abused, to lose control, to be vague, to be understood, to be one again, after eons of separation, an empty vessel, to be filled with the other's soul.


From my hidden desire to have you
I realised I was looking for myself
And when I found myself
I didn't know what to do with myself
So I gave up finding a meaning
I gave up everything so to find myself
A prose with no mosaic
So I went into it
And I found these scriptures
Blank again
To the top again

Where I found power.

From desire, there is surrender.
From surrender, power.

His obsession with the pursuit of her

Enough to give one


Pause.


He had built concrete, rods made of rust,
A tower,


So he might be able to peer over the walls she had built.


kissed his scars opened new wounds


A maddening pursuit, he was told.
It couldn't be that the door was closed before it ever was opened.

Could it be?

you think too much.

The one who observes, the one who rules.

The one who dominates, the one who conquers.

The one who pushes forward, the one who never lost.

The one who lingered, the one who planned.

The one who led revolutions, the one who extinguished strife.

The one who paused, the one who waited for his time.


And he lived.
Oh, above all he lived.

Tonight his senses are dulled,
Perhaps from the morning rain to afternoon dew.

The hat he wears, to further cancel out the tunes he feels bleeding into his psyche.

A flower blooming on the battlefield of love, of dance.

He numbs himself further.

Only now is he whole. Complete.

Music and video flash past his eyes and ears, enveloping within the eye of the seer.

The poet lays his writ to rest.


It is going to be a month of perdition, after all.

This is what I get.

For holding onto an empty space, with my fingers outstretched to hold something I thought was there.

but it wasn't.


The hot asphalt searing, killing all of my nerves and screaming of how foolish I was.


Oh, that's what I get.


Loving so hard I forgot how it felt to hate myself.

Neurotic ******
Malevolent malice

Why it's come as a surprise?
To think that I was so naive,
Maybe it didn't mean that much,
But it meant everything to me.

The gnawing hunger. I understand it now.

I was stagnant, living with you.
Waiting for you to fill a void, imagined you would fill it.


Why was I addicted to it in the first place?

I need a cure for wellness.
A cure for the human condition.


We all desire something, someone we can never have.


**** fragmentation, **** frolicking in joy.
I'm better off this way.
Palinode. Tear. Shatter. Destroy.



You can stay in the light.
I'll stay away from you.
You can find someone better.
I'll go away for good.
Lest you put out my fires again.


I rip out the tubes that kept me with you.
This dead heart should have never beat for you.

Let me be selfish.

I will not allow the mistakes of old to make rumination into devastation.


Let me break my own soul, my own heart.

Allow me to tear myself apart so that I can never make this mistake.

Let me be poetic this once.

Before prose breaks down and I find myself with nowhere to hide.


Let me go.

Tell me again how your lips passed down holy writs into my spine.

i dare you to

Instruct me on how I'm supposed to dress, looking into the mirror cracked up like an old tired clown.

feed me spoil me

Undo the ropes that fester into my skin, tell me about the colours that emerge.

that same old fragrant mouth

Make me a cure for wellness, tell me how I'm wrong again, how the words don't rhyme anymore with your chains tearing into my flesh again

the same stench of rotting meat

Full of crystals from the salt of sweat


Subsumed in pain
I leave these words to you
Never will I go back again.

I do not follow by example.
I make my own path.
With bloodied palms and weeping tears.

With dreams buried and feelings hidden.
I am your blade.


And the clock chimes, turns, burns our time away.
Needing satisfaction, doing all you can to breathe her in.


Three times the tears blare with siren calls for home
You should have seen this, you should have held me tighter.


Onomatopoeia, hear my name and tremble.
Unfavorable, unfortunate, and unfair this is.

There's a certain youth that he missed the first time around.

A spring in step, a key gear unwound.


(The writer's eye is unbiased.

He clearly saw something that took a while to cultivate.)

In the same time-space that it took for her, something magical happened.

Colours exploded on the dance floor, unspoken desires (perhaps a few wet *******) sweat and passion all in simultaneous eruption.

Perhaps he'll give this a spin.
Dropping and closing his eyes, blissfully unaware whether there is trust or not.

They all feel the same.


The soft, thin lips

The thick, creamy feel.


The hunger doesn't arise.

I'm all out of words for now

Running on empty

Lavishing attention

Quiet night

The concept of home shattered

Peace is a word I repeat to myself

I'm all out of feeling for now

Stopped to breathe in

Hiding away

Screaming midday

My last bastion gone

Love is a word I repeat to myself

To obtain semantic satiation

I'm back

Not as me

But as The Beast.

You go on, and you realise one thing about yourself.


The pattern repeated itself, you just delayed the inevitable.

But now the pattern has settled on a design you didn't even know existed.


And you're better off for it, and heart at peace.

Your mind, at rest.

Your soul, satisfied.

My actual question to myself is this then.

Shall I destroy everything I have built for the sake of starting over, and feeding off the fresh new scars & pain so I can write again?

Will it be worth it?
(Maybe, of course, perhaps)

It doesn't diminish the fact I love her, does it?

Mistakes done twice are a decision.

I'm her filthy little engine of self destruction and hate. Point me in the direction you want me to go, hold me close and steer me well.

It's a forked path.
Maybe even if I do this, I'll end up on the same road I've always been on.

A vicious pronged indecisiveness.

Maybe that's why my heart is no longer with its cruel mistress.
She doesn't satisfy me anymore.
It was never about the ***, it was always the challenge. The subtle nuances she bought out.

And now.
Complacency leads to straying.

Her records stopped scratching.
How long ago, I don't know.

Rhythms crawl on my skin
Feelings unabashedly kiss my forehead
Sweat pours down the spine
Ah. Unrequited and flawed, a secret I'll take to church and leave there.
Getting closer yet so much more farther.
I'll never cash out on this.
Curvature of her spine calls to me, the
fingers clasping where she stood.
Never will I go through with how I feel.
She's no good for me.
And perhaps, she knows that.
Her tune starts up.
And for a moment, I only know her smile.
Unwritten and unspoken, the way I like it.
Breathe her in, and exhale.

When she told me, that I was more than this.
I fell again, and again.
I felt like I existed again.
A year shed off the veil, a dear shied off the vial.
And I heard the fire spring loose from within, a subtle grinding of gears I stopped, for fear of straying. For fear, of the pangs coming back.
I've never been kissed in that way.
The split second I felt the world sway, I just had to get more of it.
But it wasn't a real kiss.
Not one I'd dare to take anyway.
It was like Morton's Fork.
I still know, even if I run from this, one day it'll be found out anyway.
A hunger pang for the prong she bought into my life.

the hunger we all know, the hunger we supress without much success.

the moment I knew I had to stay away.
But I couldn't.

Love after all
Is the spark that falls
And ignites
Ashes long dead

It was always about the next woman.
The next thrill, chase, fire.
No excuses no repentance
Like a wide mouth open devouring everything in the path

The hunger was different, difficult and demeaning.

I'm just a boy playing at being a man
For all the **** it did me.

What I mean what I want what I've been searching for
I found it, or rather it found me.
No one can run from it forever.
Nobody can.

My heart beats for the thrill of the hunt
The adrenaline rush
Palpitations of the skin sliding into the next one's collarbones.

Play with fire and you get burnt.
Become fire itself and watch yourself become an eternal witness to the world burning down around you.

I don't breathe the same anymore.

In peace, feel the rhythms cascade.
In war, fan the flames of passion.


We're not the same anymore
We're not young
We're sinners through and through
Why parley with the Line when you could **** up the Borders?

atrast nal tunsha
i will never find my way in the dark

I am convinced beyond a doubt that I cannot sustain this.. normal life.

Settling for this domain has always been strange.

Cassette tapes on loop on my natural state of being : Chaos.

Fight this when every inch of my being wants to go where I wanna be?
Oh Lord. I cannot.

kisses down spine
cheeks cupped
lips trailing down


Her book still isn't stained with bile.
Her youth isn't tarnished.


hands snaking to the front
back to forward
his growling
my grunting
her moaning


I am convinced beyond a doubt that I cannot sustain this.. normal life.


I crave the midnight snack
Arms wrapping around her for warmth and sweet scent of sweat
Chewy gum tree taste on my serpent tongue


Music feeding the mood

From desire there is surrender
From surrender, power

Flesh submitting to carnal stimulation
Body realigning to devour the sin
Mandibular advancement on her sweet meat

I crave you.
Memento excoquere et ego vobis.

This high wears off
Heart is wrenching free
Even though I know it's wrong

Enter temptation, sweep into my door.
Never the same, always different forms.
Dragging my frail faith into the mud.

Oh, what ever shall I do now?
Forgive me. I am weak. Always.

Mind cracks, flesh submits, eyes weep.
Either I lose myself or this sensation..

Forever.

A scent wafted through the air, her sunlight into your monsoon.
Your eyes closed, to take her in before she even came through the door.
Even breaths, soft chuckling curled around your ears.
Losing yourself in her presence, tracing your runes down her face.
How long have you waited for this moment?
You keep replaying that scene, with the sun behind her back in a ring of fire.
This is the fabled lover's cascade, isn't it?

Her fingers form a prong pushing away an invisible form, thrusting and gyrating in rhythm, the tune I recall now to be hers.
A mix between a cheer, a call to arms, so easy for the tongue to clasp it, yet the heart is made wanting even more.
Her legs sweeping in a semi-circle, lifting the day's burdens away in elegance, in effortless effort.
I stand there, a ******, marveling more than I could ogle.
I found myself treading water, driven to her flame as a moth.
Her joints twisted and fueling the air around her, like trails that seemed to go on forever.

It's wrong. Flowers weren't meant to be picked. Beautiful things wither around me. I'm no good stay away as the moon envelopes her whole.

I can't do this. I want to.
But how is decrepitation in fashion nowadays? Her precipitation filled me with hope, that somehow, I wasn't wrong for this.

you'll always be a better dancer than me.

Kiss her. Kiss her until the creases and folds of her mouth fall into yours, your secret symphony together.

Run your fingers down her head, furrowing into hair, down her neck along her spine, and kiss her even deeper than before.

Hold her face, gently, as if a mere tug would dispel this sacred moment between you both. Delve deeper into her lips, form things unspoken.

Surrender to the chill down your spine.
That's the Sadness leaving your body.
Don't think. Just feel. Become one, until you cannot tell where you end and she begins.

Kiss her. Kiss her again, to breathe her in, her alpha and your omega.

All the love and all the pain
Fleeting and permanent.

Etched in our skulls like the pumping of blood
Circling and twisting like no end for the morrow.

As the load on my shoulders begins to ebb, my spirit feels lighter than it has been in years.

Give into love, he calls.
Go back to the basics.

Slowly this disfigured heart of mine unravels itself, shedding tears I never knew I had.

Like it had been ran over by too many emotions.

A snide remark here, an abusive yell there.

I give in and tell myself it's alright.

A dream lost, firespark lost.

I celebrate my life.

And I move on.

Let the blood flow
Through these halls
Of the love
That we used to cherish

Let the fire burn
Tearing down
This haunted manor
Of the conflagration of lies

Turn off these lights forever.
These ashen lips bear scarification.
The mirrors I saw you with, shattered.
My pride bearing the brunt of the ruin.

Where molten ashes once flowed
Only cooling blood remains
Sticking to my feet, like a vise.
And I left, troubled mind going back to black.

The crown I wore, the jester's hat I adorn my head with now,
With the Kingdom in rubble,
I go back to her, and you go back to black.


My blood now settled, with the rebellion awaiting their Red Queen once again.
The ebony sea parting for the ivory pedestal to place your head on.
The tapestries in tatters, madness apparent in your eyes.

And I hold her hand, going back to black.
The pindrop silence shattered with the black disquiet.
Black curtains, with the grey smoke.
Black lips, rotted away.
Black memories, in my ashes.
Black speech, into my stride.

We go back to black.

Ditched by the people I used to love
Thoughts dashed apart by uncertainty
But hey, it's my life.
Lord of what I see, king of the carnivals of ruin.
On hold, is what we are.
On hold, is what we were..
I can't hold on, to an empty space.
But I've learnt to take it easy on myself.
Yeah.
The new intros.
The old rusty confessions.
The islands, the bridges now burnt.
My life and yours, in VCR.
My breath, chained in yours.
This basic space, together.
In the sunset that never came.


Her records start to screech to a halt, my tears begin drying up.
Her portrait begins turning blood red,
my foaming mouth closing up.

In this darkest dungeon
Men with scars march to uncertainty
In promise of wealth and glory
Or perhaps for some penance

Silently they ensure grotesque sights
Macabre beings by its end
Blight corrupting life's blood
Time at its cruelest and most ironic
But the ticking matches with every heartbeat
Their saving grace, the dying torch
And their tears, all dried up and wizened

Composure collapses as comrades fall
Mind's grip loosening and squealing
Insignificance breaking them
The thoughts and regrets
A spot of hope in the darkness snuffed
Just as quick as it came

A thudding heart in the void
A thudding madness
Where do they tread on now?
The chanting grows louder
Dry lips, bloodshot eyes.
Finally, their tormentor in sight
Gnarled fingers tremble in sword grips
Bowstrings fiddled with, dirks clanging

Vapors give rise to rage
A vile disgust and unfathomable sorrow
A dread affirmation of nihilistic proportions
But nothing mattered, except the moment.
And the screaming of the void halted
The beating of the heart stopped
They fell to their knees, never the same again.

And finally, it is rain in the forest.

A day with you
Let's see what it has
The anxious waiting for you to come in sight
Silhouette coming into view
And my smile, a welcome reflex
The sun comes out to greet us both
I'm happy in the sun (you)
Snakes slither across my spine
In your embrace
Cold pit, warm furnace.
Signs of hazard stop

Like coming under fire
The rain pours (shelter)
Blazing defiantly like the sun
Your touch like sugar in jam
Viscosity of this vice you hold me in
This sensation you hold me in
Entropic

Tried to say something but all I have are maggots falling from the rotten gums
Felt cold and it was the knife twisting and turning rusty in my gut
How did it vanish like houses of cards
A clinking of glass the swirling of colors
Electric scraping on tangible tastes
The moans on loan from cascading faith
Oh Lord Almighty, feel me now as I sin
Wrong you
Lie to myself
Cheat on you
Let go of you
This perfect drug

It's just so difficult
When old scars remain
When love is supposed to be cherished
Instead bloodied foreheads and redeye is all I get

It's just so difficult
While pain lingers
While hate takes over life
And the broken bones and open wounds
is all I have

Help me I'm in Hell
Help me I'm in Hell
Only death awaits
Whether you come to save me or not
It feels that you will just be content to see me drown
I was a mistake.

I'm playing second fiddle to you.
No such thing as champion for good
I'll gladly embrace the devil in me
If only to forget your promise.

Old feelings bubble to the surface,
Finding my tongue tied and heart slightly scarred from all you've done.
Oh, she who once I called sister.
Bound by ties stronger than blood,
And spirits lighter than wine.
How I've missed you.
Cause you, you just know.
You just do.

And I've watched things on this screen, appear and disappear faster than we both would know.
And her hand, so soft in my cracked palms and ashen lips.
Feel the dark rhythms explode in your breast.

I took myself where I didn't wanna go.
I dragged myself down, I used myself up.
Perhaps you left because of that.
You were being replaced, perhaps that was the fear.

But these blood and tears, erased like the gut-wrenching confessions and years of pain.
Crawl back for more, back for more.
I crawled to shore, not knowing it was running out, the continent shrinking to an isle.

We'll lose the ones we love,
Lose the ones we most adore,
Yet we go on, we go on.

Blood and tears, through sweet release we share in death.

Everything seems so worthwhile.
For a moment.
For a moment.

What is it that I'm waiting for?
Waiting for words I barely know.
Life kicks me in the teeth, but I still crawl through these torrential blood and tears.

And years crawl on, and the death I hold is now complete.

It is a burial at sea.
A Viking pyre.
... And the silent dissonance of perfect insanity.

Like a ******'s mess of a mind in a rut to get his fix, I ran from distraction to distraction.
The original sin of knowledge, and innocence lost.
They cascaded like raindrops on my face, and became **** on my windshield.
Slowly, becoming perhaps more bitter and jaded, a basic ***** to life and her schadenfreude.
A single desecration of desexualized thought, and that was it.
I wanted more.

I'm forever missing you.
I'm always chasing ghosts, even if I put them to sleep.
The thoughts hovering like hummingbirds.. for once the sun belonged to us.
Our nuclear sun.
The ray of light that once belonged to me. And me alone.


I miss you.
I'm forever nuclear whenever I think of you, for your voice echoing in my skull is the only thing I hear these days.