It's the eyes I'm telling you

There is this thing we have in modern photographical technology
It gives us the ability to reverse technology while simultaneously using an advancement in technology
What I'm talking about is how we can revert a colour photograph into a black and white photograph
It's kind of like taking away the brilliance of a photograph

People say that the eyes can show us who the person is

What I've seen in many
Nay all
Of the black and white photographs that I've seen is that when there are eyes present their brilliance is diminished
I like to believe it's because the 'windows to the soul" just do not have the power to shine so far
Across two photographs
But that belief has been changed

I truly believe that if nothing else it shows us the brilliance of a person

My belief changed when I saw her eyes
In a black and white pictures
Her eyes seem to be more brilliant than ever
It was phenomenal! Her joy and radiance shined deep into me! It made me smile! I don't even know why I smiled or why a pretty girl made me look so moronic?!
Even though I don't understand it I'm glad that it exists
Because I got to smile

The brilliance of a person is a small part of their charcater. I don't really know what brilliance is. But I know that people with brilliance are usually peoplw I get along with.

He really isn't such an extravagant specimen of humanity
The other day he told her that he wasn't a mess
And the funny part is that he believed himself
He believed that he wasn't so pathetic as to deny his masochism whilst depriving himself of sleep
He believed that he didn't send messages to random people on HP because he was lonely and maybe just maybe that other person would live in south africa and get to know him and love him
He believed that he sent those messages because he wanted to help people
His pathos of trying was so painful to watch even he stopped seeing the reality of his metaphorical wrist and literal subconscious
And even though he watches good shows and listens to good music and has valid philosophical opinions that are well structured of both he still second guesses himself
He still doubts his ability to be anything in life but his dreams are real and o so powerful
He has become a farse
A pathetic dismal farce
And the worst part about this farce
Is that this farce somehow still believes that he is different and better farce than all the other farces out there

Yes he hates himself
But he has become so good at lying to himself that he doesn't even believe the words as he types them on this screen

We just drove through a small town
It was fascinating
Fascinatingly morbid
Morbidly surreal
There were probably 10+ plots that were haphazardly converted into graveyards
'Ratchet' as my generation would think but not say because that would be 'disrespectful to the dead'
In each of the graveyard were hundreds of graves
And it was strange
Strange how such 'ratchet, disrespected and haphazard' graveYARDS
Contained such Beautiful and ornate gravestones
As if to say that nothing could lessen the glory of their death
They would leave behind an impression of beauty
Even in death
(Even though they never chose their gravestones. But don't say that because it would be 'disrespectful to the dead' in their blissful abyss)
It makes one think
That in a town of less than 1000
There was easily more  than 2000 gravestones
It shows how life goes on
How, even in a small town,  we are insignificant

There are two aspects of my life

MY SHAME

AND

**THE REST

thought of something
And as I thought of that something I thought of that someone
That someone that I haven't seen yet
I haven't heard
Touched
Tasted
breathed or
Felt....  yet
That someone that I know I will find
That someone who makes me hold onto the hope of love
It's actually kinda sad how this person
This fictional character that I have created
Fictional yet 'undeniably' real
How this person has so much control over my life
My thoughts
My actions
And most people call me a hopeless romantic when they hear this
Yes that morbidly clichéd term that deceives all
Yet I have come to one final conclusion And that is
That this
person
is merely a manifestation of the human condition

it is not a lustful lonely
or a ****** one
or a perverted lonely
but a sit on the roof holding her as we cry for hours taking solace in each other's arms kind of lonely

I will fail a hundred times.  I will still continue. I have no other choice.

I am swimming in a river
A circle of a river
And I drown
Yet I still live
I swear
I could drink THAT WHOLE ******* RIVER AND I WOULD STILL KEEP ON WITH MY METAPHORICAL SWIMMING

You! Just cone and ******* try to knock me down
I'll kick your measly ***

There are people that have this ability to make people melt in their hands

They walk around  their entire lives finding their prey and engaging them and make them melt

The victim is usually rewarded with a night of rampant *** and is then dumped into this puddle when the antagonist
of this story is done with them

Sometimes it takes days for the victim to turn back into a solid substance
Sometimes it takes weeks
Sometimes they never fully turn bqck to normal and their will be a part of them that will always remain liquid because of the antagonist

Many fall victim to this antagonist

Until the protagonist comes along and upsets the routine
The protagonist cannot be melted
And it is due to this very specific favt that the antagonist ia revealed as the true protagonist of our story

That's usually a goodish enough story line that melts the audience

But people like myself who do not melt sees the true sadness in the lack of melting

We do not melt because we have been melted ao much that we went for an operation and we came out transformed
We are now metal
And I'm sorry to disappoint that antagonist/antagonist who becomes a protagonist
But the best you would ever be able to do to me is to warm my heart

DEFENITION:*
A SWIRL OF EMOTIONS RUSHING AROUND INSIDE OF YOU EXHAUSTING YOU PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY

it was one of those days
you know?
where nothing is REALLY wrong
there is no urgent emotional issue that needs your attention or that is creating that familiar vortex of emotions within your mind and heart
it is just as an whole a bad day and you wish a million times over that you could just go and lie down on your bed and sleep for the rest of it
it is one of those days where you have this phenomenal high within your soul and then you just hit this incredible low that hits you so hard that even the combination of othello friends and history does not cheer you up
i am angry
and sad
and tired
and over it
and i want to give up
but tomorrow morning my friends will see me because i cannot give up
because if i give up then i am even more of the shittty hypocrite than i already am

i will be alive tomorrow
so that i can smile and suffer and pretend that at the moment i like myself and that nothing is wrong except that
I'm tired

I was in a dark place
now i'm in hell

I will never live you down
It's not as if anyone can
you are just this mountain of strength
a pillar of steadfastness
a picture of beauty
you made ugliness itself beautiful
you are someone i will always love and if you read this never forget it

IT TOOK THE COLOUR FROM HIS LIFE
IT TOOK HIS BEAUTY AND MADE IT UGLY
IN THE END THAT WAS ALL THAT IT WAS
IN IT'S ENTIRETY IT WAS UGLINESS ITSELF

*he was ugliness itself...

My love.....

My love....

My sweet bitter love
Caress my heart in your hands
Touch my soul with your heavenly icey fingers
Make me feel alive and not alone
Please my love....

Press your head against my chest
Touch my arms
Make me feel like a bird
Soaring across the vastness of your beauty

My love.....

My sweet bitter love
Look into my painful eyes
Let me look into your abyssally deep eyes
Let my lips drift slowly towards yours
Let me kiss you
my love
Let me feel your passion
Your pain.....

You

Please my love...
My love.....
My bitter sweet love
Put your arms around me
Pull me tight
Chest against chest
Let me feel your heart
Let me feel your love
Let me feel your smooth skin
Let me feel your passionate gaze
Let me feel your lips against mine

My love....

My bitter sweet love

Let me kiss your smooth silken neck
Let me caress your suple *******
Let me feel your skin against mine
Let me feel the sweat
Streaming off our bodies
Let me feel your heart and soul
Mingling with my own

Let us intertwine

My love.....

My Bitter Sweet Love

I love you

I know you probably won't read this
And I deserve that
And you are amazing
But I just wanted  to say that

I miss you

And

I still care

I love my earphones
Besides the music
And the occasional spark it CAN add to fashion

I love them because to a certain extent it lends me this sense of oblivious-ness..... (is that a word? )

I sit here in the airport and I think.....
I imagine
What his story is
And why she cried the last time she cried
It's a challenge to do this without the sound of their voice
But it's fun

People say that they are hopeless romantics
That statement in itself is a contradiction
If you have any sense of romanticism
Then you are not hopeless
It is only when we give up that we can be hopeless
But a hopeless romantic does not exist

All these lemons
But my lemonade stil tastes like ****

I'm ready to fall
For my sins
That pile up
Around my heart
Choking the influx
Of metaphorical oxygen
And figurative light (it is, after all, really dark in there)

I'm ready to fall
From my secrets
Weighing down on my shoulders
Crushing my spirit (which people say isn't actually a physical entity)
Sooner or later my legs will collapse from the weight
But till then I'll just make sure that

I'm ready to fall
And I hope to god
That I die in the most painful way possible (literally metaphorically and figuratively)
Because I do,
After all,
Deserve to die

Bi-curious seems like such a horrible term don't you think
I can't really put my finger on it
That's probably because I'm not allowed to touch what's not mine
But nobody said anythng about looking
And that's what I'm doing
I'm looking
Or searching
Or you could even say that I'm enquiring
Yes I am curious
But I'm not Bi-curiousi don't know if that distinction is as important as I make it out to be
I could say it in simple terms
I like boys and girls
Or I could say it in a label
I am bisexual
I have however come to one final conclusion
And that's that I'm not bi-curious
Or bisexual
I just see the beauty in all humans
And I want to indulge in said beauty
( Even though indulge might be the wrong word.............

Let me put it this way
If our life is a constant swim in deep waters
We would need to swim long and far
We face our fears and pains in the forms of monsters trying to pull us under
We face life as the water trying to drown us
We face things in such a fatalistic manner
Let's cheer up
Let's make sure that if there is a newbie swimming next to us that looks at us
Let's make sure that that newbie can and will see how to swim
And swim we shall
We shall swim and kick the monsters in their ugly faces
And rise above life's efforts to drown us and we will soar
Oh how we will soar. We shall soar the skies and the water will never again hurt us.


We will soar

I am Ariel Taverner
I have certain beliefs and views on life
I'm overprotective but I will **** you if you touch someone I love

I am Ariel Taverner
And for those that know me I seem to be a good person
I am. At times a very good person
But at 23:45 alone in a bed I'm pathetic

I am Ariel Taverner
And the saddest part about my life is that nobody on this globe knows who I am
I reveal aspects of my life and being to people but i never reveal the whole thing
If your were to take my friends and family and put all of their information of me together
Then in that pool of resources
That is where you would find the true me
The one that nobody sees
And nobody will because as much as I love you whoever you are in my life I.... You will never truly know me

And to me that is sad
And I am sad

They sit on the hood of the car
The guy wearing a hoody
The girl a long sleeved shirt
Her hands curling at the end if the sleeves exposing only her fingers
His hands are in his laps playing around
He is afraid that she might not think he is enough
Despite years and a loving relationship he still fears that his inadequacy will destroy his happiness
She fears that he'll leave her because she isn't beautiful enough
She thinks that his eyes will open one day and he'll leave
He extends his arm and puts it around her shoulders
In a seamless motion
That suggests it's an action that has been done a million times
She rests her head on his shoulder and he turns his head and kisses her head
It's a moment of pure beauty
And in that moment he knows that to her he will always be enough
And she knows he only sees her
It is in all respects
The perfect moment*

The hole in my chest that was filled by the dream is gaping. Darker than usual.  And the monster lunges out and sinks his ice cold talons deep into my heart. Wrenching my heart out of place it plunges my heart into the depths of it's lifeless abyss. And tears it asunder.

A boy wakes up in tears. Some unknown pain tearing so deep into his soul that he cries to the heavens in the pitiful hope that someone... anyone...anything will save him....

But
nothing does....
nobody does...

I made a decision
I decided to stand up
To show the world my name
Ariel motherfuckinh Taverner *******
I no longer wish that I could cry
I now cry when I need to while lifting my ******* to the world
**** all the people who pushed me down

Tell me what beauty is

last time I answered they told me I couldn't use her as an example. So instead this time I say :

I don't understand the question

just to buy myself some time

It was not a question. You shall answer.
Tell me what beauty is

but I don't understand the question. If you could just exp-

*the man's fist cracks across my face. The power of the force throwing me off of the chair. I start chuckling. Laughing manically like in all those movies you see. And with fire in my eyes and defiance in my heart..... I say Her name. It rebounds off of the walls hitting the ugliness in the dark room. Hitting the pain. And knocking it all over.  It comes back to me and envelopes me in a cushion of tranquility. As if I am underwater and all sound has stopped.  Light is softened and my heart soars. The pain disappears.  The agony evaporates. The anger expunged. All of it replaced by the glory that is your name. The elegance enraptured within that disyllabic word. The sheer and unadulterated beauty that is just your name. And with a smirk I think: and that's only her name.

You will pay

I see the promise of pain in his eyes but I know nothing will be strong enough to overwhelm her name.

Have you ever met a girl that can make burning ****
And cutting beautifhul
Caring ugly and pain vivacious
She is so amazing
Then her beauty drags you in
And you know that neither of you are ready
And that only pain will be the result
But you go coz the razor flame and the pain calls to you like a song that haunts your soul
A song that never leaves you
A song that floats in your vision like smoke
Palpable but you cannot grasp it
You can never feel it

The death wish
Has
And still does
Exist
Yet I have beaten it Black and
Blue
Ensuring that it does
Not
Come back to haunt
Me
Making my small
Life
An utter
Misery

I fought it so that
I
Can survive my
Insanity
I didn't do it for
Me
I did it for the people I
Love
The people that meant the
World
To Me and who I would
****
For any day of the week

This is the only
Way
That I as a person can
Survive
This torturous
World
And my promise to all who know
Me
Is that I
Ariel Taverner
Will never give up
Ever
And I'll do it for you

I swim in a sea of bullets
My curse allows me to be in a place like this
Each bullet has a name on them
Zoë
Zerilda
Clara
Suné
Matthew
Siya
Tim
Tania
Hanli
And each bullet is lethal
Each bullet represents the certain words that can **** the person
I find these bullets and carry them around with me
As they burn holes in my pocket my mind is filled with what I could do
One bullet could destroy each of them

And they better be happy that I will never shoot them

Guess what
I saw myself in the mirror today
And I saw some stranger staring back at me
His hair was messy
He had black-purple bags under his eyes
Swollen from catching all of his tears
His face was red and there were scratch marks from his anger
His dried lips were cracked from all his screams of frustration
Dried blood caking his jaw and neck
He looks at his neck bruised and swollen from him trying to strangle himself
All in all that man in the mirror seemed like he wasn't doing okay

But I quickly showered and decided to wear my poloneck today
It was after all a nice shirt

There were ten flames
Each a different size
Each a different colour
Each a different heat
Each a different part of me

Then there were only nine because I killed my tears

Then only eight because my laughter died

Then only seven because she smothered my hope

Now only six flames remain

He grew up.....

After all of his mistakes
He learnt many things
And he knew that the next mistake would lead to hatred

He grew up ......

He knew he would never be homosexual
He was right
He just turned out to be bisexual

He grew up.....

He never thought he would be that guy
But he became the guy who hates himself
He became the monster in the dark
He became what he hated

He grew up..... and he still misses his childhood

She's calling me again
That heartless *****
She took my grandad
My dad
She has my family in her clutches
Are sweet claws
Her venomously tangy bite
Her sting
Her fire
Her ice
Her heat
Her coldness
Her beauty
Her horrors
And now that heartless ***** is calling to me
A 15 year old boy

I miss me
I miss who I used to be
I miss being selfless
I miss not caring about myself
I miss being able to give the people I love everything

I miss being that guy

but what I dont miss is not getting anything back
I don't miss the constant fear
I don't miss the daily pain

but my dear one I really do miss you

it is a screen
maybe some beautiful words
and the concept of someone being there for you is so comforting
the w2ant and need for us to fill that hole of lonloiness inside of us is what drives it in the beggining
but when we realize that it does not really fill that gap in our heart
well that is when we look for something else to try and fill that gap
for a while it is the fact that we truly think that someone loves us
and they usually do
but when that does not fill the gap
it becomes the willingness to put in all of our effort when someone else needs it
we do that but in the end you realize that it is not enough
we might do all that we can but over a screen what we do is never enough and never will be
so yes in the end all we truly are to each other is a screen
we may say all those beautiful words but deep down in the deepest darkest hole inside of our hole of lonliness
that is where the reality lies
the truth
the truth that we push down as far as we possibly

He loved many things
He loved to dance
He loved to read
He slept often
And dreamt dreams of beauty and wonder
His life was good
But then he grew up
And he soon had to dance on a dancefloor of blades
His books burnt his mind
His bed became a place of tortured thought
His dreams became dreams of death and destruction
He has no life

You just don't care about me anymore.  Or do you?

Guess what
You are not what you think your are
You may think your lips are ugly
I still want them on mine
You may think your hips are fat
I still want to put my hands on it
You may think your face is ugly
I still want to caress it
You may think your figure is unattractive
I still want to feel it pressed up against me
You may think you are stupid
I still want to talk to you
You may think your scars are ugly
I still want to hear every story
You may think your eyes are ugly
I still get lost in them
You may think your nose Is ugly
I still want to give it a rub with mine
You may think you are needy
I still want to hold you
You may think you are rude
I still prefer your company
You may dislike every part of yourself
I will still disagree with you
Now and until my breath completely runs out

You may hateyourself
But I still love you

Ten million dry tears
Nine million fake smiles
Eight million different faces
Seven million manipulations of the truth
Six million screams of anger
Five million unthrown punches
Four million days of anger
Three million hopeless thoughts
Two million buckets of effort from me
One million from you
One hundred thousand thoughts about how you will hate yourself
Fifty thousand apologies you will never hear
Ten thousand apologies you'll hear
Five thousand tears
One thousand itching lips
Five hundred itching lips
One hundred itching lips
Fifty itching lips
Twenty itching lips
Ten itching lips
Five itching lips

I have not been there for you
I have not told you that you're beautiful in over a week
I haven't made you smile for over a week
I haven't made a ***** joke to make you chuckle
I haven't given you advice for over a week
I haven't pushed you to confront yourself
All in all I'm sorry my dear one but I'm a ****** friend

I'm sorry
That
I haven't
Made you feel
Special

Lately

They say there is a song for everything
For every triumph
For each failure
For everything

Well ?

Is there a song for me?

A song that ranges from a soft operatic voice to a death metal voice
The chirruping almost sickening happiness voice
The soft melancholic voice
Is there a song like that?

Well?

Is there a song for me?

A song that will tell you about my smiles when I was younger
A song that will indulge you within emotions I never understood
A song that will take you through the fear of the first rugby game and the pain of the fractured wrist
The daunting experience of a first crush ....
The terror of being plunged in awareness.....
The horror of being ostrasized
Spending my time alone with my new awareness
Being taunted
Being teased

Well.....

Is there a song for me?

A song to show my emotions
My realization that I was different
My horror at being different
My hatred at the world
My hatred at god
And his falsehoods
My looking into a mirror and seeing naught but something you hate
My masochism
My scars
My life.....

Well

Is there a song for me?

Daddy! Daddy! Can I be a superhero when I grow up? Like superman. Or batman!*

of course you can. You cqn be anything you want

We no longer dream
I always wanted to be flash
Or the green lantern
I went through I spiderman phase but that passed

Then I grew up a little bit
And I wanted to be batman
I mean he is the only feasible superhero
His gadgets are possible
His martial arts are possible
As a whole he can actually happen
That's why I loved him
I still wanted to be a superhero

I no longer think it's possible
It would be fun to have laser eyes
Or sick fighting moves
But it's just a dream.....
So knowing its not possible
So we stop dreaming
We might want to save everybody
But we know its not possible

sixteen
Hey dear one
fifteen*
How are you?
fourteen
I'm fine thank you
thirteen
Yes. The ****** up, insecure, Neurotic,  emotional, fine.
twelve
Nah. I've just been thinking way too much
eleven
Listen dear one I need you to know something
ten
You are beautiful
nine
No don't say that. You truly are amazing.
eight
You are beautiful beyond comparison
seven
I will not stop. You deserve more than I can give you
six
.....fine
five
You know, tears are overrated
four
People make it such a big deal but in the end all we sometimes need was a good cry
three
No, I only cry in front of people if I totally trust that person
two
That is a good question
one
Yes dear one,  I would cry in front of you

O how I will change

Right now I'm sitting next to a fire thinking about how lonely I am
How horrible my life is
I'm thinking about how I'm throwing a pity party and I know it
I'm thinking about how I want to burn my hand in the fire and punch the walls
I'm thinking about all of my emotions
Im thinking about how pathetic I am sitting here thinking I have it bad
But at the back of my mind
In a reinforced, diamond encrusted, adamantium cage
Sits the belief that I will change
And
O HOW I WILL CHANGE
I will smile
I will laugh and talk to people
I will help people
I will be handsome
I will have figured myself out a bit more
I will no longer have pimples

And that is
How I
Will change

If I had no choice
But to go to Hell
I would choose you as my
Companion

One day we should sit down together

We can talk sure
Kiss? Why not. In fact i would love to kiss you

But I want to sit down with you
I want to compare blades
I'll show you my opinel French knife
You'll show me your blade
Then we'll cut
I'll put my blade down and you'll do the same
Then we will swap
Ill take your blade
You'll take my opinel
And we'll cut
Then ill put my arm on your lap
You'll do the same
And we will cut each other