NO WAIT, BUT BUT, WHERE ARE YOU MOVING TO?*

WELL SEE, I AM GOING TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
-
**ARE YOU COMING?

I watched him punch the wall
And it all seemed so much more dramatic
Because he has cancer
And he was wearing some dramatic ninja clothing
I knew that he had hurt his hand
But all that went through my mind was the contrast
The contrast between how he hugged me
(Light...as if he didn't want to apply pressure in case he hurt me)
And how hard it was to hold up a man who collapsed out of fear
Because he has cancer
And it was dramatic because when he collapsed he did it as if he had pain
As if the physical manifestation of his crippling fear was too much for his
Good guy better heart to handle
And as he calmed down all that went through my mind was how his hands were trembling
Not from the fear or anger or the cancer
But because he punched the wall
And as per usual came off second best
And it was dramatic
Because he was wearing all black
And all I can think of is how he transformed from a man to a sobbing little boy
Who said things that burn my heart and cause me to want to panic
Because he said

I DON'T WANNA DIE MAN. I'M DYING!  MAN I'M SO SCARED

And I can't stop remembering how that was the most honest thing he has ever let himself believe
It was dramatic
Because I think he's dying

I want a her in my life
Like all those people
Who talk about her
The goddess they met
Or the date they're going on
And I know that I'll never be a wilfred owen
Or an ee Cummings
Or a sipho sepamla
But when I write about a her I feel closer to being a master than ever before

My loss, and my gain
are one in the same.

You have to be sure
You have to make a decision
Then you have to drag that decision outside and beat it with a stick
Then drag it back inside and put it in a chair and torture it
Until you have squeezed out every last drop out of that ****** and you know deep in your heart that you have made the best decision you could possibly have made

I'm stuck between an angry vent and a sad one
I'm sad
And I hide my true emotions behind anger
So I'm really angry about the fact that I feel empty
I'm angry about crying myself to sleep
I'm angry at her (like seriously this time I'm angry for real)
I'm angry that she doesn't really care much
I'm angry that I miss my family
I'm angry because of what I've done
I'm angry because I can't figure myself out...
I'm angry because one second I'm happy and I like who I've become
I'm angry because the next in fighting off the pit that's been growing in my stomach

A pit that I started filling too late
Because now I'm sitting at the bottom of this pit looking up at the better me throwing dirt onto me

Anyone who still uses the word Alas tries too hard.