My nails are painted as black as the midnight sky,
My hair, cut short---bleached
I sit comfortably on my hardened mattress
The words on the page begin to look the same
Red, red, red
The blood drips slowly from my fingertips.

I would like to say that I feel lonely in this place,
That I feel misery has finally found it's company
Yet I find that even alone,
I am suffocating
These walls are slowly closing in on me,
And I can't find a reason to stop them.

People speak of the exciting moments,
The ones in which we feel alive or troubled
Exotic adventures
Love;
Lust
Each story, either tragic or remarkable,
Extends across boarders.  

Immense joy and overbearing pain continues to trump serenity
As we seldom speak of those moments in which we feel useless
When the world seems to be spinning around us,
Our bodies senseless to it's movement.
Unfortunately,
These are the moments that make us human
The moments in which we are the most connected,
Yet our need to feel either happy or sad denies it's significance
And once again we find ourselves alone,
Alone in this life of neglected unity.

It is becoming clearer, now,
That the burden of time is essential
For if we had no limit,
We would have since learned nothing
Thus,
The general disregard for indispensable knowledge authorizes a sense of lunacy
A familiar place in which dreams do not exist
And failure is a past time
To surrender to such commonality,
Is to have simply died without living.

We are taught to look around us,
At the radiant sun gently falling beneath the surface
Or the wrinkled edges of an elders laugh lines
We are taught to look around us,
At the child whose laughter fuels our freedom
Or the motivational poster claiming "You can do it!"
We are taught to look around us,
At the lives of others
Or the destiny in which they have fulfilled
We are taught to look around us,
And maybe that's the problem

Today was the day
When intuition has come to fruition
The love has left your eyes
Silence graces your lips
I feel you pulling away
From the fighting
The games
You are no longer mine
It’s a hard pill to swallow
When love still lingers deep inside of me
It’s dark and lonely in here
In this place of sheer solitude
Alone with my thoughts and vulnerability
Where do I go from here?

My feelings lie
Somewhere between
Freedom and devotion
Do I let myself fall
Or fly
Do they mean the same
When you're involved

Going through the motions
Becomes harder everyday
Daydreaming
Sleeping
Anything to make me feel sane
I have found that it’s easier
To live life without living
When your heart folds
And your story
Is left untold

I feel it coming
It’s creeping up like a spoiled step daughter
My guard is down
My armor shed
I’m naked,
Exposed to love
& the pain that comes with it

I feel it coming
Loves reckoning
Please,
Take pity on me

I would rather be told
If your thoughts shifted
To another
If my baggage
Became too heavy to bare
If the road ahead
Was gagged and full of obstacles
If your thoughts
Were suddenly negative
I would rather know
If you no longer loved me

The bad times
They are beginning to outshine the good
Love shouldn’t be this hard
Pain shouldn’t be this frequent
The constant disappointment—
Maybe I expect too much
Though I suppose I expect what I give
Unconditional love
Consideration
Thoughtfulness
Is that too much to ask for?

Loneliness
It rests firmly on top of my chest
Weighing me down
Forcing me to feel it

This loneliness
It doesn't happen surrounded by strangers
It doesn't even happen when I'm all alone
You see,
It happens the most when you are with me
When you are downstairs packing your things
As I sit upstairs in our bed
Conflicted
Should I let him go this time?
Thoughts consume my mind
As the pressure builds up in my chest
You are slowly killing me
And the worst part is,
I'm not sure if I want to stop it

Your soul sings a melody
One that makes me feel
Something
Safety; love
I picked up the pieces
Glued what’s left back together
Now I’m handing it to you
No longer broken
Healed
Whole
Ready

I’m your final attempt
At love, at commitment
You are growing older
So you asked me a question
And I answered, willingly
Though, I can’t help but wonder
Is it us against the world
Or you,
Alone against the world
Racing against the clock

It hurts
All of it
The yelling,
The fighting,
The talking
I’m exhausted
I watch you
As you do anything
Anything
To avoid apologizing
To avoid my feelings
I tell you I’m not okay
You hop on the game
I’m left to my thoughts,
My pain,
As it turns into rage
And it’ll all start again soon
But only if I stay...

I love our story
The one we wrote
When the leaves were changing
And we were learning how to love
It's messy
It's unique
But most importantly,
It's us.

I wasn’t ready
When the time came
And you were taken from me

I wasn’t ready
As they pumped blood into my veins
So that I could selfishly survive

I wasn’t ready
To see your father’s face
The love... the disappointment

You see,
I wasn’t ready to lose you
I was ready to love

How dare you
Threaten me with leaving
Claiming I’m insecure and difficult
While your anger rises
Your insults harden
I slap you
I run
You catch me
I feel your hands wrap themselves firmly around my neck
I can’t breathe
You pick me up and throw me through the door,
Onto the balcony
I shake in fear
In pain
You leave
Only to return the following day
Singing songs
Talking to friends
Ignoring me
Until I break down
Force the conversation
Then, without validation
Without a genuine apology,
You begin to pretend like everything’s okay
Like there’s no love lost
As if the person I saw yesterday
Matches the person before me
I weep in the bathroom
In the car
In my bed
Anywhere
Anywhere away from you
And soon I’ll stop caring
I’ll stop loving
You might wonder when you lost me
Or how
Well, the answer is here
The answer is now

You build me up
And tear me down
All at the same time

It happens unexpectedly
When I'm making us breakfast
Eggs, bacon
Maybe hash browns if I feel like it
No matter the moment
It's the same feeling
One I'm not used to
I've been happy before
I've felt fearless
This is different
This is... wholesome
It's as if anything can happen
Anything,
And I know we'd be okay
I think for the first time in my life
I'm choosing someone other than myself
I want this
And like the others,
It'll work until it doesn't
But I want this to work
Till the very end
I think that's the difference

I never expected to find you
Even as you lay in my tense grip
Even as we make love in the moonlight
It doesn't feel real
We are scarred
We are flawed
And yet,
We are happy

It's Thursday,
We sit in the living room
You start grinding the ****
I watch, patiently
In awe of your beauty
Not just your physical appearance,
The beauty in your demeanor
The way you carry yourself
You look up at me
I stare, blankly
We laugh

We got married
Secretly
We lost a child
Secretly
The best moment
And the worst
I would've drowned in self pity
If you hadn't saved me from myself
Thank you for staying

Thank you for loving me.

Failure is a virtue
Or at least that's what they say when they hurt you
I'm here and I'm open
You tryna steer and I'm coastin'
The words won't solve it
I run on emotion,
I'm starving
For the part of you I can't see
The **** that made you bleed
I know he's in there
Scared to share his cross to bare
So don't leave me guessing
Matter of fact, stop stressing
Because I'm here for good
And I love you--
Probably way more than I should