Been on this battlefield
for what seems like forever,
but it’s only been 960 days.

Fighting the enemy
every
****
day.

This faceless enemy
doesn’t follow
the conduct of war.

It strikes whenever
it feels like it,
whenever I am the least prepared.

This faceless enemy,
with a name so scary
I dare not speak it
for it might creep up on me
and attack.

Constantly beating
down on me.
An endless force
that never retreats.

I have to find the will
to hold the line,
to keep it from breaking through.

As the number of days increase,
the risk of loss because greater.
For if I lose now, I fear I may never recover.

To the one who falls in love with me:

I am not easy to love,
and for that I am sorry.

You see, so much
so so much
has happened to me.

I wish I could explain,
but the damage took over
a very long time ago.

My spirit barely clings to life.
I want you to understand,
It’s not my fault,
and it’s taken me forever
to finally see that.

After the abuse
and the assault
and the torture
I became broken
and I remain broken.

I survived everything,
but surviving isn’t living.
I stopped living for a while.

It was so hard to keep going
especially in this body.
But I pushed forward,
even when I did not want to.

As much as I would like to say
that I’ll be whole again soon,
I have accepted that
there isn’t always
a light at the end of the tunnel.

But, that’s okay.
I found comfort in the darkness,
and I do know
that one day the hardship will end.
Whether that end be death
or true recovery,
I’ll never know.

Please understand,
I am begging you.
I know that I am hard to love.
I have so many cracks
and problems
that it’s hard to see the good
sometimes,
but please try.

Please don’t give up on me.
Please give me a chance.
Because I promise you,
when you make it past
my arsenal of defenses
you’ll see all of me.

The challenges ahead
are meant to push you
to your absolute limit.
I cannot be hurt again,
so I will test you until
you are deemed worthy.

So, be patient
and find the will to go on,
like I did.

And when you make it,
when you see all of me,
it will be worth it.

Because that’s when
you’ll truly understand
everything about me,
everything I’ve been through
everything I’ve worked for.

And then,
and only then,
will you truly be able to love me.

How wrong of me
to spit
and swear
and wear pants.
How wrong of me
to ball
and bleed
and sweat.
Hushed voices,
such a shame.
How bout you bring it
to my face *****?
Isn’t it terrible!
She’s all *****.
Isn’t it horrific!
She looks like a mess.
My daughter always
is prim and proper,
and she is a filthy
wannabe
man.
Well excuse me ma’am!
Sorry the dress doesn't fit
and the make up isn't my shade
and the heels are uncomfortable.
Just because I don’t look
all prim and proper
doesn’t mean anything.
I’m still a ******* lady.

what a joke
love
the thought of it
is repulsive
the feeling
disgusting
why
because today
***
is
love
*** is *****
*** is everything
love
is
***
our belief lies there
we have reduced
incredible feelings
to nothing but
sinful actions
its okay
everybody is doing it
but why
why make love
over having love

I am surrounded by idiots
you known nothing
of what I've been through
so don't empathize with me
don’t pretend like you know
you don't see what I see
when I look in the mirror
you say you can understand
but you haven't been the thief
stealing your own dreams
or the killer
murdering your hopes
or the ******
******* your life up
to see yourself as your own worst enemy
takes a special kind of view
it takes damaged eyes
you know nothing
of what I have been through
so don’t be an idiot
don’t say that you know
just keep to yourself
stay in your bubble
keep out of my way
because my life
would **** you

It rings

Hello?

Yes, its me
just checking in.

Oh, hi.

It’s been a while,
can we talk?

We really shouldn’t.
I left you.

I know, but
I really miss you

I miss you too.
But this is what is best.

Can’t we just
see each other
one
last
time?

I…
I…
Yeah,
but it’s the last time.

I promise!
The last time.
See you at the usual spot?

Meet you there.
I’ll see you soon, my sweet high.

I lie
in the darkest parts of you,
and everyone.
I wait
in the shadows of your heart,
and everyone’s.
Sometimes, you never see me.
Most times, I come out to play.
Once I have control
you never are the same.
I am the reason that people are ruined,
but nobody knows where I came from.
You.
I came from you.
You created me
then gave me to the world.
But you never knew about me.
I am the unexpected
byproduct of failure.
But I am not hate
or jealousy
or envy.
I am just toxic.