I remember this nightmare
from years ago
it still haunts me

I'm out of breath
Running
Running
  Running
Something is following me
I run through the halls
of a small
orphanage
Kids watching me as if
I have gone crazy

I burst through the back door
scramble into
A abandoned school bus?
and hide behind one of the seats

Suddenly my Dog is next to me
And a woman with hair made of fire
Is holding a gun to her
She says nothing but I know
its my dog or the orphans

The next thing I know
The fire haired woman is gone
and I hear gunshots
and screams

I don't like to admit
how much I fear the people

everyday interactions
send me to spiral

I dissect your words until
they are rotting and fowl

To lose someone
while they sit next to you
is devastating

Our brains are fragile
protected by bone that gets weaker
as we grow

My grandma
Is losing her memory
just like her mom

Its not quick
but its lethal to the people
who love them

I'm terrified
of finding you dead
by your own small hands.
Though your hands are
almost as big as mine
I fear
the genetic curses
I have been battling
will hit you
and we wont know
until its too late
I'm scared to lose you
even though you are
fine

The house is too quiet
not enough noise
no bickering or laughing

The house is too big
not so many people
no one trespassing into my room

I don't like this
when no one is home
i cant make sure they are safe
when I'm alone

She calls to say she misses me
and i cant help but think
what if that's the last time
i speak to her?

Its rainy and wet and
the day is too long
I really don't like this
being alone

The thoughts of no return come to visit
a daily checkup but they know somethings wrong
they aren't great doctors they feed the thoughts
What if its the last time i talk to anyone?

I need to sleep i need to not think
I need these thoughts
to stop bouncing around my head
Maybe food maybe water
I need to not be conscious

five more hours until i can go to bed
I need this ******* to get out of my head
Sleep is where I can be quiet
even with constant nightmares
Its so much quieter then reality.

Nothing is right
its all out of sorts
I need to go to bed
I need to go to bed
please

I keep telling myself that
I'm not hiding the past
I don't even know if I'm lying to myself anymore
why is it so scary to tell someone that i was once
a girl?
I still freeze in the men's bathroom
I'm trying to tell myself I'm not a fraud
Internalized transphobia slows down the movement
how can I be proud and
so scared?
I feel like I must hate my body more
I need to not like it to justify
my identity
and my world
But I don't my body feels to delicate to hate
even if it isn't mine i don't want to make it
cry?
My body has scars that will never go away
I have a chest that is not so comfortable for a boy
Why is it so hard to say I'm trans?
I'm proud of who i am
I swear I'm not hiding
the past?