Jamie

Jamie Aug 14

Every time we reunite
my heart beats faster
and my face is flushed
Your texts make me smile
make me feel loved
but the voice in the back of my head
tells me what I wish was not true

I use you when I feel lonely?
Then I realize you cant hold me
from so many miles away

Im scared of what others think
Ive never been
Scared
of what others think
But I feel so strong about us...

You say I'm special and that I make you happy
yet I hurt you over and over again
It makes me want to pull my hair out of my skull
I wish you would tell me how miserable I am

I want to believe you love me
but the people of the past haunt me
I want to be your one and only

I want to be able to say all these things that hurt
what if someone who
Can
hold me
comes along?
I don't want to love you now because I wont
be able to deal with the pain of choosing
But a man who really loved
would not have to choose?
But I know I love you.

I want to know everything you love
I want to make you smile
I want all these things to last
But Im scared I wont make it another mile

Something Im writing for a person

Jamie Aug 11

War of words

I hate you all
But I think I hate myself more?

I need your love
I adore you with my heart and soul...

My mind is a traitor
Do not listen.

I should stay alone in my room
Until this passes.

Please leave me be...
Don't leave me to die with this traitor

I know I've been rude
I swear I didn't mean it...

I hate you all
It's not true

I can't help it
I hate myself too.

Jamie Aug 11

I'm better now

I'm better now
My skin is healed
Only scars remaining

I'm better now
I take a few too many
Medications

I'm better now
It's... Easier to smile
My heart is more open to your love

I'm better now
I still think of suicide everyday
Consider who would miss me

I'm better now
When I drop the glass
I am suddenly worthless

I'm better now
Bees buzz in my ear
Tell me lies as they look in my eyes

I'm better now
I prepare for you to die
Because you never know...

I'm better now
Flashes of blood and gore
Will spot my vision

I'm not as bad now
I need to remember
How bad it was before
To remember how good I am now.

Jamie Aug 11

Dear new therapist

Dear new therapist
Here are some things that not everyone knows about me
I have strong opinions
I am not free
I live a life on eggshells
As my mind seems to hate me
I talk to myself more then Ill talk to you
I know the steps to fix this
But you must keep in mind
I don't believe I can ever be ‘Fine’
There are days when I'm happy
The darkness takes a step back
But it's not afraid to start creeping back
My mind feeds me images of death and despair
And I swear I do try not to care
I know it lies to me often-
I must warn you, you wont wake up tomorrow morning
People annoy me
It's not their fault
I know I'm not superior
But it might seem like I think that's not true
I hate my own actions more than you
The critique in my brain does not shut up often
My mother tells me that I am a magnet
That I shine when I keep my shoulders open
I try to believe her
But my mind is broken fragments
Of a past me who is no longer important
I used to spend most of my time with others
But they used and abused me
And sent me away will less of me then i came with
Now i take my space
Only spend my time with people who are great
My life is good I wont lie
The problem lies within my mind
Thank you for taking the time to read
Give me a heads up before you leave.

Jamie Jul 28

Boys

They make a hobby out of inappropriate jokes
To tell them to stop is to be told you are not one of them
As if
you ever were

You know your paranoia pushes you further
If they knew the would never see you the same
but do they really See you now?

you laugh to yourself
as you pick blue instead of pink
As if it makes a difference

Your shoulders swallow you whole

without your binder
you are naked
and exposed

Their bodies seem to fit them
comfortable and snug
Like a glove

While yours is like a glove
two sizes too small
and the wrong amount of fingers

I try to focus on the things that help
my voice has lowered
and my face has hair

But dysphoria is a funny thing
its still new to me

#lgbtq #transgender

Jamie Jul 28

Camp

Hamilton plays in the kitchen
My eyes growing heavier each song
Staff are messing around as if
they are children on the playground
The world around me is moving
but for once i am allowed to be
still

My mind slows down for the first time in awhile
and the world becomes
a warm blanket
Comfortable and dark

Thank you

#camp #experiences #sleep

Jamie Jul 28

Intrusive thoughts (revised)

My therapist told me
I show symptoms of OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
But I do not have it

My days are full of fowl
images
that spread through my brain

like poison
down the waterfall
of my mind

I hold my chest
and whisper goodbye
to my mother

Only I know of the
fatal accident
that will take her life today

I keep the thoughts close
like toddlers running off to play
If I lose track of them
They will become trouble

I'm used to these thoughts
they used to shake me to my core
they don't seem to anymore

I am scared
But I am prepared
I tell myself

#mentalhealth #ocd