When he tells you you're pretty
Smile and say
" i know."
Do not frown when he doesn't use any other word to describe you.
You are deeper than any ocean he's ever swam in
laugh at how he'll never know your depth.
when your friends swish the word feminism in their mouth like its *****
Do not yell at them.
Nod with your arms crossed
and stop paying attention mid sentence,
because you know they'd do that to you.
when the doctor gives you the pills
that make you restless
take them.
go to school with your eyes baggy and swollen
Try not to cry when people point them out
Just say
"I have a test today. I crammed all night."
do not get upset  when your old jeans do not fit.
Your medicine is making you gain weight
Pat your tummy in my mirror and try to smile.
start crying ten minutes later
When your friend says his boyfriend is friends with your ex girlfriend
tell him about how it ended
leave out the **** and emotional abuse
Say it doesn't bother you people think she's a good person
Don't tell your mother
Don't tell your counselor
Don't tell your teacher
write it in a poem
And when you read it out loud shake
Realize nothing will ever be easy
Start being clean until you can stop counting the days on your fingers
Know this doesn't mean you're okay
When your mom asks why you haven't gotten your drivers permit
do not tell her it's because you knew if you had a car you'd crash it,
Until a million ashes burned your body.
that's what you want,
and you hate yourself so much for it.
Instead,
Just look at the ground
ashamed and whisper
"I don't know"
read the book until that's all you can remember
they wouldn't understand anyways.
Listen to all the songs she wrote about you
Start believing everything she said was true.
see yourself as
ugly
unlovable
too rough around the edges.
pretend like it doesn't bother you.
pretend you are what others mold you into.
pretend.
because it's easier that way.

My heart is a glass castle
as you put your hand between my thighs.
i feel my body shattering
as “no’s” escape from my mouth,
a whimper.
No does not mean anything to you because my eyes said yes.
I don't know how.
They were filled with tears.
Black and blue
Slipping off
Condensating my glass skin,
I was crying.
There is nothing left for you here. It’s lost in translation
no doesn’t sound like a word anymore.
it lays stagnant on your tongue
as she continues to touch you.
Her cold hands exploring where you had put caution tape
“no" "no" “no"
you wish it still sounded like a word.
This is something I will write a thousand times before I turn eighteen
it is scrambled and constant
i accept it.
there was a straw house at the edge of everything
i wish you didn't go to it.
You should had stayed on top of the mountains far away from my glass castle heart.
my heart is a glass castle*
as the blood flows through,
there are cracks where you have touched.
It spills out,
As red touches every inch of me and paints me like a canvas
I try to ignore the awful feelings in my chest
but they have grown
oh they have grown.
as the village people build a wall between us
and run toward you
your steel hands try to break my walls in half
Their pitchforks and torches ignited with fire
they see right through you
Maybe you will think before you do this again
But they cannot ignite your skin
You are rough around the edges.
When i break
The shards will scatter
To where everything ends
And everything begins
I will find myself between your toes
You will feel a sting it is a fraction of what i felt
As the blood drips down your foot
I do not smile.
I wanted you to feel bad about it for so long
But it doesn’t take away the feelings
That plunge in my chest
As pieces of me are in places
I have never been
Lost and waiting to be found
And i hurt others
While trying to put myself together

gives exquisite attention
speaks with grace
flowing through the room
touching everyone
Groundhog day
six weeks later
telling you your life story
though you might have just met

I tell my son be careful son,
(also reminding this heart of mine,
you'd better not walk that line)

Look in the eyes
there's a white light shinning
focused right on you
feels so good
easy to misjudge what you're seeing
easy to take for granted

The day it's going to come

The white light blinking out
The exquisite attention
somewhere else

(This heart of mine, I put on notice)
I also tell my son,
be careful.

This is a poem that might make my mother angry
The feeling of a fist to my face
The fingers cold and like mush
could not feel familiar enough
a loud echo bouncing off my skin
but that felt better
Than my ribs rumbling
as my heart tried to bounce itself through them
Thump
Thump
Thump
and suddenly I was the weak one
now I'm balancing on a trapeze wire
Wondering what's better the air or the ground
but one day the curtains will close
Finally the end will come
something you made me not so scared of.
because pills tasted like candy with you.
the thought of being a better with with you
I couldn't feel my limbs with you
but that's okay, I couldn't quite feel myself, too.

they say,
"You're scared of Commitment
But you want all these tattoos"
I want something that has to stay
That can't just get up and walk away
Because that's what has happened my whole life
But tattoos even fade away after a while
ink only stays for so long
but that's okay at least they're still in my life
I needle got shoved in my skin for them
and after all the pain being with you was worth it
because even though it hurt
At least you stayed
please just don't walk away
Stay for awhile you made less tough
Stay for awhile you already know I'm less than enough
Stay for a bit, my skin might be red
I just wanted a place for you
that just wasn't in my head
I know hearing me say this gets tiring after a while
Trust me I know
Today, I wrote about it ten times
It was more than a few lines
so many people have broken my brain
now it feels normal being
In pain
because when I look at someone who reminds me of you
I can't help but think
they'd leave me too
even though
they aren't like you
They saw me perform at the circus
on the trapeze water
and they told me it was okay to just quit
and hit the ground till dirt came into my mouth
because my blistering feet
Did not deserve this somehow,
And they waited for me.
at the foot.
near the dirt.
they waited for me
because they knew it would hurt.
and they wanted my face to feel less numb,
And the moment I hit the ground,
I looked for you,
in the clouds.
but you weren't anywhere to be seen,
living in a never ending dream.
and i bled.
and you were somewhere watching.
I don't know where
But I felt you smile.
i felt it in the dirt.
in my arms.
in my hair.
you smiled,
while i wept.
and the curtains finally closed.

Sally takes a lot of pills
So she'll have something to write songs about
I wonder if she's doing okay
She took a lot of ****** yesterday.
She takes them just to feel
Because her antidepressants don't do enough
She swears one day she'll be famous
And it isn't because of the drugs
Emptier than the space between our fingetips
sally feels pure as she floats up to her ceiling.
Zoloft, Xanax, adderrall
Make for good lines and good stories
She knows without them she'd be like all the other girls
she falls in love with boys she meets on the Internet every week
hoping they’ll fill whatever has been missing
she can't communicate with them for long
and gets bored
their bodies don’t make her feel as holy
as the pills
no floating up to the ceiling.
she finds another one who will pop molly with her all day long
and watch her slender body fade into the sheets
sally loves pills and nothing more
the boys just make the images in her head seem clearer almost
She knows they won't last long
Sally just wants more pills
the streets full of people don't scare her
And the space between us is growing
Like the pit of her stomach
Because it's pill after pill after pill
And one doesn't do enough anymore
sally likes fading away
surrounded by her blonde hair
her body being somewhere else
she feels less empty that way.
No one understands sally
not even herself
She hasn’t told anyone she’s loved them and meant it
it doesn’t scare her anymore.
because when she fades away
nobody worries anymore.
Sally pushed out the boy with the twilight smile,
took six 2 mgs of klonopin and a whole lot of vidocin
And sally invited sadness into her bed, instead.
and let it **** her
all
night
long
she didn't make much sound
just a small whimper
And then her mind went quiet
and Sally left just how she felt.