She is being pulled and pushed around.
She is being dragged around.
She hates this world; she has no freedom.
She always dreamed of getting out of this place at 18.
Wishes in her  heart usually never came true.
Getting use to the world was a struggle.
So innocent at one time.
She is labeled as depressed, suicidal, and a self-harmer.
Liar is her new name.
Life rejected her, she really rejected the world because she is scared.

He was laying there in the hospital bed, he looked tired.
I didn’t think he would die,
He had one wish, he wanted someone to hold his hand while he passed.
So I did, I held his hand hoping he knew I was there.
I went back into the lobby, I sat in a chair waiting until there was more news.
Tick tock, tick tock, I look at the clock.
I see this woman with a child crying.
I go back into the room where he is,
It seems like hours pass, I walk around the room and wait.
I look at him, I slowly walk towards his bed and I lay with him to feel closer.
I hold him, I listen to his heart until it stops.

I’m dancing with Anorexia.
Pushes me this way and that way.
I try to run away but it pulls me back every time.
I'm addicted to it,
I'm addicted to the voice in my head.
When someone says you lost weight, I feel like I'm winning.

The girls flesh got picked off day by day, she was tired.
She wanted things to end, but she kept going because someone told her good things were ahead.

Wildflowers
Remind me of people.
Their all different, not one exactly the same.
Some are beautiful.
Some are bright.  
I love them all.
They bring me joy.

Her lips were stitched shut, she could not speak.
She couldn’t tell people she was hurting inside, no one would listen to her.
She couldn’t tell anyone she stopped eating, she hoped someone would realize.
She hid her scars, sometimes people saw them and stared, but they couldn’t do anything could they?
I wonder how long it would take for someone to know she was missing from the world.

She’s trying to not get hit, she knows it will hurt only for a moment.
She has heard it all words hurt more.
Words haunt you, they go through your head and never let you sleep.
Her mother grabbed her hand and is trying to slap her.
She is screaming, daddy please help me.
Her dad does nothing, or maybe he does say something.
She is trying to block it all out.

Look at me, my skin has dealt with a lot.
Scars and bruises fill my body.
My body is fragile, it breaks and bruises easily, that doesn’t stop you from hitting me.
Scars are on my wrist; it doesn’t stop me from cutting though.

She said razor blades.
I started thinking about cutting.
I hate myself I can’t even think of knifes or razors, if I do I want to cut.

She called me Honey Bee, that was my nickname.
If I could hear her call me that one more time I would be happy.
If I could touch her beautiful hair one more time, I would be happy.
If I could tell her I’m sorry and say I love her, I would be happy.
If I could tell her how much she means to me, I would be happy.

Band aids fill my arms.
People are staring, I wish I didn’t have to have these band aids on.
If I didn’t though everyone would be concerned.

I hugged you for the first time in 3 months.
You smelled good.
You smelled of sweat pea and vanilla.
The blue shirt you had on tonight, it smelled like your cookies and it smelled like dad.
I wish I could have kept hugging you.
I love you.

Little girls and little boys bundled up in promises and loving hearts.
Teenagers struggling to survive.
Suicide is the killer; teens think that’s the best way.
I can’t really speak for all teens though.
I wasn’t bundled up in promises that were going to be kept.
I had a loving heart but it is broken now.
Suicide isn’t my killer, although it might have been.

A new life was born, it’s a girl.
Her birth mom kept her for 5 months of her life.
She decided to give her up for adoption.
The girl was adopted by this family.
Her dad held her and said you will never be alone again.
She was loved for now, but things changed.
Her mom was on and off her medication most of her life.
The girl spent most of her time with her aunt and grandma.
The girl met her birth family things didn’t work out, she was sad.
The girl stated cutting and she stopped eating.
She wrote her birth family letters so if they ever met again it would feel like they didn’t miss anything.
She is struggling with the loss still, the first few years were hard.

Rows of machines filled the room.
Loud sounds and flashing lights.
Hundreds of people all there for the same thing.
I won enough that night to fix my car.
The first time felt like a high.
I was winning, I felt like I was providing for my family.
Night after night I went back, it became an addiction.

It’s hard at night, when I go to bed alone.
I keep the other side of the bed open, acting like someone will climb into bed with me.
Red flames fell out of the candle on my table I watched from my empty bed.
A starry night soaked in the rain. I felt so cold to sit alone, there was no one to talk to tonight.
When I wake up, I wake up alone knowing no one will make me breakfast.
I don’t have anyone to kiss goodbye before I go to work.
I don’t have anyone to hold at night.
I try to push on yet I had no strength left.
This incident gave me a wish, it’s all centered on you. I wish we weren’t single in our distant life.

Magazine clippings, newspaper clippings and online photos fill my bed.
I sit there looking through them trying to find a pretty thin girl.
I need more pictures, I need inspiration.
Ana is talking to me again, she told me I’m fat.
I tried to eat and get better, I tried to rule my own life.
I missed drinking cold water on an empty stomach
I missed feeling like a cloud when I walked.
I missed feeling dizzy.
I missed having hunger pains and crying out in the middle of the night.
I missed you Ana, my only friend.
I missed all of this so much, I went back to all of it.
I am happy for now, until Ana rules my whole life again.

Butterflies fly away, so will I someday when I get enough strength.

Mama please don’t hurt me anymore.
I remember when you hit me with a remote, it ******* up my hand for weeks.
You said I wasn’t worth your money.
You told me he didn’t love me, you made me believe he stopped caring, I believed you.
I measured my wrists and made sure I didn’t gain weight.
Fat, *****, gross, smelly, pig. Those are the words you called me.
You say sorry, you aren’t though.
You say I hate you, yeah in a way I do.
But you hate me too.

I’m not crazy I swear;
My mind isn’t all here though.

Even though everything seemed to be going wrong, I somehow managed to keep going.
I had thought about death and suicide before.
I spent hours where I was debating on if I should keep going.
I didn’t know how to say good-bye to the world.
I didn’t know what my last words would be, since I had so many words left to say.
Something stopped me from taking all those pills.
Everything seemed to be keeping me down.
Darkness was my friend.
I put a rope around the fan, I was going to hang myself.
I didn’t want my grandmother to find me hanging there.
My corpse would give her nightmares.

Children cry and sometimes get lost.
Bumps, bruises, scars, and sickness.
If your lucky parents are there to kiss you.
Dreams and Innocence.
Disney Princess.
Dolls.
No worry in the world.
Playing Barbie’s on the porch.
Riding bikes in the street.
Life is good.
Then you get older and things get hard, sometimes if your lucky things are still ok.
That wasn’t the case for me.

I hear kids talk about their parents, how awful it is because they didn’t let them have ice cream.
I hear kids talk about their parents, how they can’t get along, how they wish they were 18 so they could get away from them. When they are really just trying to love you.
Someone told me what I was going through wasn’t abuse.
There right it’s not abuse, my mom hitting me with a remote can be called an accident.
My mom saying, she hates me, can be blamed on me she was stressed.
I was offered help by someone I knew, someone who could get me away from the abuse.
I didn’t want to hurt my mom and dad though; I didn’t want them to lose everything.
A part of me knows they really are abusing me.
They love me right? What if the person abusing you is your own parents?
Is it tough love? Could they really just be abusing me? Why is that so hard to comprehend.
If a girl or guy gets in an abusive relationship, right away people run to help if there lucky of course.
Why can’t this case be abuse?
Why can’t I leave them?
I love them, I love my abusers that’s why I can’t leave.

I loved drinking water on an empty stomach I waited for the water to slip down my throat.
I'm empty,
I’m cold, in a warm room.
I’m fat.
I want food, no you don’t need it. I love not eating.
78 calories 1 large egg.
95 calories 1 medium apple.
45 calories 1 small orange.
Eat it, throw it all up after.

I decided to wear a short sleeve shirt today since it was hot.
I was going to a church cook out.
I didn’t really want to go, but I did.
I thought it would be fun, I had a good attitude about it.
Something happened though, this guy came up to me.
He said you’re a cutter, he saw my scars and cuts.
I had band aids on them, they were coming off though a little.
He said you’re a cutter and then laughed.
Why did he laugh?
Was it funny to him?
Did he just not know what to say?
I have had people stare at me before.
I have had people comment on my weight.
But no one has said anything about my self-harm scars and cuts.
I guess he thought it was funny.
I don’t find it funny.
I’m glad this day is over.

I have your picture, framed and hanging on the wall.
You seem happy in this picture, it’s right before things got hard for you.
I take your picture off the wall and bring it into bed with me, it feels like you’re here that way.
Sometimes I talk to you through the glass frame and touch your photographed face.
I love you, please come back to me.

My scars will fade and all will be forgotten. Right?
I hope once my scars fade I don’t remember why I started self-harming.
I hope I don’t remember anything, I hope everything really will be forgotten

Country music reminds me of you.
I remember our first date; it was in the back of your truck bed watching the stars.
You said you would take me away from everything.
We knew each other since I was 8.
You are my best friend.
You were my first kiss.

Purple shirts.
Purple markers.
Purple jewelry.
It’s your favorite color.
I packed all my purple things away in a box.
I hate the color purple; it reminds me of you.
I later came to realize; I should not hate a color.
Purple has done nothing to me.
I started wearing the color purple again.
It reminds me of the good times.
It reminds me of how much I truly miss you every day.

I’m tired of this world, it’s so hard to breath at times.
It’s hard for me to get out of bed.
It’s hard to go out and see people.
I’m tired don’t you see I want to sleep?
Leave me alone please.
If I don’t talk, no one can get mad about what I say.
If you don’t listen I won’t be heard, that’s fine no one has listened to me any way.
You are all too busy, you say I need to talk to someone I have tried.
I have tried to talk to people, nothing changes.
I don’t feel better, don’t ask if you can do anything for me, you know you can’t.
Don’t pretend, you don’t care about me.
Keep the curtains closed, the sun hurts my eyes, it’s too bright.
Darkness is my friend.
Sleeping pills have ran through my mind today, if I take enough I’m dead.
I’m tired of you, my head hurts I’m stressed.
I can’t sleep tonight, I never sleep.

My aunt sits on my grandma’s couch crying; I have been in the same spot doing exactly the same thing myself a million times.
My cousin, sits at the table blocking out her mom’s pain.
My cousin, she hides her pain.
My cousin wants people to think she is happy, she doesn’t want to waste a moment of life.
My grandmother is worried about her daughter, my aunt.
I’m worried about my cousin, she is good at hiding what she is feeling.
I try to make her happy, see her parents almost got a divorce when she was 7.
Her father cheated on my aunt.
Money problems fill their world.
Sickness and death has filled my cousin’s life to many times.
My cousin says she won’t turn out like her mom.

She couldn’t be fixed completely; she was full of broken pieces.
Broken pieces will always be a part of her.
No matter how hard he tried and no matter how much effort he put into her, she would always remain the same.
She would smile and laugh with him.
She was very happy, but she would always be broken.

Suicide, my killer.
Anorexia, my friend.
Razors and knifes, a tool to cut my wrist.
Pens, they smear, I hate them. Paper, once you write on paper it’s official.
I have things holding me down, life is depressing.
Yes, I smile and laugh, it never lasts.
I’m sorry grandma.
I’m sorry mom.
Apologizes are forgiven, but it happens over and over and they say sorry. You keep forgiving.
I’m tired of living, it’s hard.

She stands there letting the water go down her body.
She closes her eyes, listening to the water coming out of the shower head.
She hopes the water will wash away the day.
She cries, she lies and says her eyes are red from soap getting in her eyes.

I’m so tired I had nightmares that keep my eyes awake.
I’m Depressed I don’t feel.
I have an Eating Disorder.
No one can keep me from shaking and crying. Please help me.
Don’t you understand I feel fat already, you don’t have to tell me that I am.
Don’t you see that I’m not happy anymore, why don’t you help me?
Don’t you see my scars, do you even care?

She slipped through my fingers.
I couldn’t help her.

I remember when we were little kids.
We use to play with dolls in your mother’s front yard, until we got tired.
You got out your bike and tried to teach me how to ride, but I never learned I fell.
In the Summer when it was warm we played in the sprinkler, until it got to warm.
In Autumn we played in the colorful leaves, until your mom yelled and said rake the leaves.
In the Winter we played in the snow making snowmen, we had snowball fights and when we got cold your mom would make hot chocolate and give us warm blankets out of the dryer.
We played Battleship and Monopoly until we fell asleep.
Sometimes on the weekends if I were there, we would wake up before your parents and watch cartoons. We would eat Lucky Charms and Coco Puffs.

The child is crying, she is helpless.
People are yelling at her.
She is trying to grab onto her mother.
I couldn’t handle the screaming, I heard a lot of it when I was younger.
I didn’t want to scream; I didn’t want to say anything.
I’m as bad as the people who abused me.
I’m no better I watched her cry, I didn’t pick her up.
I’m so sorry.

I woke up this morning, the sun greeting me happily.
I rubbed my eyes and for some reason I started thinking about you.
I started thinking about you, I’m worried I can’t remember what you use to call me.
Am I forgetting finally? Is it over, will I no longer be tortured by your memory?

A little cut here, a little cut there.
No one will notice.
No one cares.
Hide the scars with band- aids and sleeves.
Cutting is the only time I feel alive.
I wont do it anymore I promise, lie.

I don’t have to carry my whole life with me anymore but I do.
Pieces chip off and I forget the little things.
But I still remember you, I always will.
I love you, you helped me through school
You helped me when things weren’t going well with my mom and me.
You meant the world to me, so why did you leave?

When I ******* I try to think of straight guys,
I think about you though.
I don’t want to; I know it’s wrong.
My mom will judge me, even though she says she will be ok with whoever I end up with.
My family will think I’m wrong.
I have a hard time of going to church, because I think about what they would say if they found out.
I don’t want to be labeled.
I wish I didn’t feel this way, I don’t want these confusing thoughts and have to worry about what people will say.
Will you look at me differently once you find out?
I don’t know who to tell, I don’t know how to say it.
I think about her, I love her.
Is this normal? will I ever think the way I once did again?

I sit in the shower and cry; you don’t know how much I want to die.

Anger is in the air, it's choking me. Please help.

He sat with her until she fell asleep, she knew who he really was.
He loved the girl and she loved him so much and even though things were falling apart with her family, she knew she had him and it all seemed to feel ok knowing that.
He told her to sleep.
But before she closed her eyes she thought about everything.
She was in his life for the moment she hoped she always would be. Even if she is not she is grateful for his existence here on earth.
Because he touches people lives, makes people smile and laugh.
Even though his life wasn’t the greatest no one knew but her of what he really had to go through.
She slowly closed her eyes while he lay next to her singing softly.

close my closet door and spend the night in there,
put headphones on and blast music in my ears. So I couldn't concentrate to ******* my thoughts in the hope that I would fall asleep.
I don’t want to close my eyes though and sleep for a lot of reasons.

I count every calorie of every day
Hoping one day I will be as beautiful as you.
I need to lose weight, you told me I was fat, gross, and a *****.
You wonder why I’m so insecure.
I’m not allowed to get mad at you when you hit me and make me feel worthless.
I look in the mirror thinking of everything you have ever told me, I think about all my imperfections and my mistakes I have made.
Sometimes I think about what my daddy said and I think I’m strong enough to leave you, but I stay and you know I will.  
I whisper loving words in your ear at night.
Praying you will do the same one day.

I blame myself for taking my father’s life away.
I’m sorry daddy, I’m sorry I had to be your little girl.

The lights are out; I can’t see anything.
The town is quiet; everyone is sleeping besides me.
I walk the streets of this little town I grew up in.
I see corn fields.
I see the library I use to love.
I see the local high school where dreams come true.
This town makes me sad because you’re not here anymore.
I want to see you again but that means I would have to go to heaven.
You had dreams of getting out of this town and doing something better, you said I could come with you to New York, we could travel the world.
Reality hits and I realize I’m not going anywhere so I lay down in the corn field and enjoy the stars.
We use to look at the stars together.
I miss you.

I died inside, I would cry so hysterically as if it would bring him back to life.
I needed him, he had always been there.
He will never hold me again.
He will never come home with flowers for me.
He will never smile.
He’s dead, I’m alone.
I love you, someday we will see each other again.