Once when I was a little kid, I had a bad dream.
I called for my dad, I said daddy, daddy come here please.
I told him I had a bad dream.
He sat down on my bed and said I have the perfect solution.
He told me, when I close my eyes and the monsters come into my dreams spray them with a magical spray.
He said, it gets rid of monsters instantly.
If they don’t go away he said, I can always call him.
I never had to though, I used the magical spray he talked about when monsters came around.
When I became older though and I had demons haunting my head, the spray didn’t work.
I didn’t feel like I could talk to my dad.
I was lost and things were getting worse.
I stopped calling him, I cried and fought my bad dreams alone when I got older.
Where did you go dad?

My mom took pictures of me.
She used Photoshop on the photos.
Was I not good enough?
Was I not pretty enough that she had to use Photoshop.
The photos still look like me, but in a way don’t.
She made my pimples disappear she photo shopped my face.
She made my eyes look different.
Photo shop is my mom’s friend.
I know my mom doesn’t understand how much it bothers me.
It seems to make my mom happy though to make me pretty.

In the moment when he said it’s over, I couldn’t breathe.
I wondered how this happened.
Had I done something wrong?
I woke up, with the first thought being him.
I logged onto my computer, I was going to tell him I loved him.
I love you, I was going to tell him how much he meant to me.
Instead I got 3 messages saying it feels like were just friends.
He said sorry, I’m sorry I said.
I told him I didn’t feel like we were friends, I love him.
How does love disappear over night?
Had he been feeling this way for a while? why didn’t he tell me?
I should have handled It differently.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been different.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been your forever.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t try hard enough, it’s too late.
I thought I was your inspiration.
Were friends, that's all we are now.
It's ok I don't mind, it's nice to be friends.
Someday, if you do change your mind and want me back.
I'll be here, I will be here waiting.

I don’t want to have to explain to my kids what the scars are on my wrist.
Will these scars stay on my skin forever and haunt me?
I need you tonight, are you here? I need a hug.
I don’t want people to stare at me, acting like I’m not a human being.
When you stare at me, I’m afraid you will see my imperfections.
I don’t want you to run away, I want you to stay please.
Don’t leave me alone to face this world.
I need you, please stay.
You are the reason I wake up; you are the reason I keep going.
I have felt the urge to self-harm so many times, but I don’t.
I stop myself somehow, I stop because I have to.
I stopped for you.

Your willing to wait for me, you told me you would come here.
I’m worried that you and I won’t be together forever.
I’m afraid I will push you away.
I’m sorry if I do, I want us to be together forever.
Someone once told me how hard it was to sleep alone, I never truly understood how hard it truly was until I meet you.
I wish you were here.
I love you, someday I promise I will be there and then things will be ok.
Things will be ok for me, I will have you around and I will be out of my parents’ home.
I won’t have the pain and burden of being around my family.
I will try to make things ok between us, I know it won’t be perfect forever.
We will have our problems.

This room has so many memories.
My cousin and I use to play games in this room.
I remember getting all the junk food out of the kitchen and spreading it across the bed in this room.
I remember waking up in the morning and trying to pick out what to wear out of the closet in the room.
I remember when no one was home, I blasted the music and danced in this room.
I remember being excited the first time I saw this room, it’s beautiful.
My mom painted this room, she painted it orange and yellow.
With hand painted flowers on the wall.
I’m scared to change the room; I’m scared I will forget what has happened in this room.
But, things change and it is time to make this room different.
This is my last night in my old room full of beautiful and sad memories.
I can make new memories though.
This will be a good change; this will be a fresh start.

My father got me a new cell phone, another new change.
I wish I could keep my old one, because your number is in my phone that I have now.
I can’t put your number in my new phone, my parents will think I still like you.
I can’t like you, I can’t.
I need to move on, I need to move on.
You were my first kiss, my first love.
My first heart break.
I love you, I always will in a way.
I can’t be with you, never.
People would think it’s wrong.
I can’t believe all you wanted was my body, I can't believe you would want my body at all.
You say you love me, but then we don’t talk for months. It’s not your fault I know.
I received a call telling me you were missing, my world stopped.
I couldn’t breathe and I was crying.
I was sobbing wondering if you were truly gone.
Hating you because I thought you had run away and left everything behind.
I thought you had left me. Did you leave me?
Is it over? Should I let go of you and leave you behind?
Should I leave all the conversations and promises behind and pretend they never existed?

I made it another day without you here with me.
I wonder how many more days I will have to go without you.
Sometimes I think about how my life was when you were here.
My life got worse and I stopped living after you weren’t here anymore.
I know you’re out there somewhere living life, breathing, eating and laughing.
While I mourn you, I will always miss you.
I will always love you.

She came home from school, she had to deal with bullies all day long.
She came home to her mom yelling, her mother was off her medications again.
Daddy was trying to calm my mother down, while saying hello to me when I walked in the door, I guess he didn't want her to feel left out.
In this situation she wouldn't mind if he didn't say hello, she wouldn't mind feeling invisible.
She goes to her room and gets a box off her shelf, It's full or razors.
She picks one out and walks out of her room, to the bathroom.
She looks in the mirror, she feels disgusted by what she sees.
She put headphones on and blasts the music high, she locks the bathroom door.
She climbs into the bathtub and starts cutting her wrists open.
One, two, three, four, five times she has cut.
Blood runs out, she lays in the bathtub.
She can't stop, she hits a vein, she screams it's all over.
She is a corpse in the bathtub of her parents home.

It's 3am I'm still up.
The moon is out and the stars are shinning.
We just now stopped texting, we have been talking all day.
When you said you needed sleep, I told you I will miss you.
I said good night sleep well.
You called me sweetheart and babe tonight, yes I noticed.
I feel high you made me *** 2 times.
I'm listening to music now and writing to you in the hope I wont miss you so much.
When will we talk again? Hopefully soon.

Broken Glass
Dismantled sharpeners
Razors
Knives
Box Cutters
The things I use to hurt myself.
Cut my wrist one, two, three times.
If I do it right red blood drips out.
It washes away my mistakes, it helps me it really does.
I get a high every time I cut my wrist.
I do it in the most obvious place, why hasn’t anyone noticed?
-written by a cutter that's been broken for 5 years and has a knife, razor and broken glass collection in my room.

I hurt when I saw him, my brain went dead and I couldn’t speak.
He looked perfect, I wanted to talk to him but I knew I couldn't.

I like singing in the shower, can you hear me?
I will sing to you if you want.
Maybe after we can lay in my bed, I want to know about you.
Tell me all of your hopes and dreams.
Tell me your favorite color, mines green.
How many girls hearts have you broken?
The hours pass and I feel like I have known you for years.

I stopped writing when I was 8, because my mom said I was no good.
Words are powerful, by her saying I was no good I stopped writing.
I never thought I would pick up another pen and write a poem again.
But I did write another poem again, I started writing again when I was 12.
I stopped again a year later when I was 13, the year I started self-harming.
I really thought I would never write again.
Until I was almost 14, a teacher I had encouraged me to write again.
I couldn’t imagine not writing now, I don’t know where I would be without it.

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten, I broke my rule.
I shouldn’t have eaten; it was so good though.
The way the food felt while it was going down my throat, it felt amazing.
After I eat one thing I need to eat more, I can’t control myself after I eat one thing.
If I binge I could throw up after, that’s an option.
I haven’t binged yet, 1 sandwich and a smoothie earlier this morning.
Since I had the smoothie, food has been on my mind.
I wanted to be good, I didn’t want to eat like a pig.
I will have to punish myself tomorrow, no food for the fat girl.

I sit in the shower and cry; you don’t know how much I want to die.

I have my favorite cd’s on, with my snacks on my bed.
I am searching the internet for poetry that gives me chills.
I’m waiting until I’m tired so I can sleep and maybe even dream.
I hope I can dream about beautiful things.
I wish you were here laying in my bed, I wish we could snuggle.
I wish you could put your arm around me.
I want to wake up with you in my bed.
I miss you.

Rain falling, it's really pouring.
People fighting inside the house.
I'm tired I didn't get much sleep, I'm surprised the rain usually makes me sleep.

If you asked whether I’d live the same life again a year ago, I know I would have said no.
If you ask me now if I would live the same life again, I would, I want to live this life again.
Even though it has been hard, abusive and there has been a lot of tears so far.
There has also been happiness, I wouldn’t want to trade those happy moments.
The sad times have made me the person I am today, I’m ok with how life is now.
I’m living and getting better each day, I’m happy with that even if others aren’t.

Throw a coin in the wishing well, close your eyes and wish for something.
I think of a million things I want.
I think of things I need.
I wish for my birth family to be in my life again.
I know I didn’t wish for candy
I didn’t wish for a guy to come back in my life.
I didn’t wish for world peace.
If you had the chance what would you wish for?

She slipped through my fingers.
I couldn’t help her.

He sat with her until she fell asleep, she knew who he really was.
He loved the girl and she loved him so much and even though things were falling apart with her family, she knew she had him and it all seemed to feel ok knowing that.
He told her to sleep.
But before she closed her eyes she thought about everything.
She was in his life for the moment she hoped she always would be. Even if she is not she is grateful for his existence here on earth.
Because he touches people lives, makes people smile and laugh.
Even though his life wasn’t the greatest no one knew but her of what he really had to go through.
She slowly closed her eyes while he lay next to her singing softly.

The knife is calling my name, the razor in the bathroom is screaming at me.
I look down at my arm and see the scars, I pull down my sleeves to cover all the memories the scars leave.
I try to get up and live, I remember the first time I cut I was 13.
I don’t want to live anymore, Goodbye.

The edge looks so inviting.
I could close my eyes and it could be all over.  
One step and then I’m dead.
Should I jump?

When I close my eyes at night, I see you.
I dream about you sometimes.
I love you, you are my angel.
Your wings are white with a hint of black.
You are my fallen angel.
You were once so full of life.
Always had a smile, where did it go?
I'm sorry, I know you want to be who you use to be.

Never find fault in yourself, you were created in perfection. In the image of God.
Never be normal, be different. That makes you special. It makes you who you are.
Never hide in the shadows, shine in the light that is waiting for you.
You may be in darkness, but you are not alone. There are those who are walking beside you. You can feel their presence, their aura.
Close your eyes and concentrate on the love our aura gives. Feel yourself drawn to warmth of hugs and close embraces. Feel the hands holding you. Fall into us. Find comfort and peace. Then put the knife down and sleep in our embrace.

I saw a group of girls tonight, they were thin, of course beautiful.
I was anxious and scared, I didn’t know what to do.
Plan A, run away fast so they don’t have time to see you at all.
Plan B, keep your head down and walk past them.
I have heard people laugh when I walked by.
I have had people whisper and look at me before.
I have had a girl say your fat right in my face.
I didn’t want to judge these girls; I didn’t know them.
If I walked by, they could laugh or make jokes about me.  
But I walked by them with my head held high, they said nothing, they didn’t laugh.
I think one girl even smiled at me.

Dad messaged me yesterday around 5.
I thought this drama was over.
He said listen carefully, so I did.
He said, I have 2 choices.
I can come home Sunday, or have grandma take legal guardianship of me.
No middle ground he said.
If I go back to my parents’ home, he said I won’t see grams except for the weekend.
He has said all this before.
This time feels different though.
He said make a decision after I read his messages, I was supposed to message him right after.
I told him this is a life alerting choice, a decision I can’t make alone.
I told him I would be at the house on Sunday though, what else could I have said?
I went to my aunt’s house yesterday, to get her opinion on it.
I’m getting a lawyer, I’m ready to live life.

It’s in the past, it’s history.
I remember when it happened, seems so long ago.
My heart still hurts and I cry sometimes when I’m reminded of what happened.
Somehow I have kept going and I have lived.
I’m breathing and eating.
It’s in the past, I still remember though.

I hugged you for the first time in 3 months.
You smelled good.
You smelled of sweat pea and vanilla.
The blue shirt you had on tonight, it smelled like your cookies and it smelled like dad.
I wish I could have kept hugging you.
I love you.

I'm broken, yes.
I’m getting worse, the days seem longer and I look forward to the time where I can lay my head down and sleep.
Sometimes I can’t sleep though, it all started 5 years ago.

She’s trying to not get hit, she knows it will hurt only for a moment.
She has heard it all words hurt more.
Words haunt you, they go through your head and never let you sleep.
Her mother grabbed her hand and is trying to slap her.
She is screaming, daddy please help me.
Her dad does nothing, or maybe he does say something.
She is trying to block it all out.

My aunt sits on my grandma’s couch crying; I have been in the same spot doing exactly the same thing myself a million times.
My cousin, sits at the table blocking out her mom’s pain.
My cousin, she hides her pain.
My cousin wants people to think she is happy, she doesn’t want to waste a moment of life.
My grandmother is worried about her daughter, my aunt.
I’m worried about my cousin, she is good at hiding what she is feeling.
I try to make her happy, see her parents almost got a divorce when she was 7.
Her father cheated on my aunt.
Money problems fill their world.
Sickness and death has filled my cousin’s life to many times.
My cousin says she won’t turn out like her mom.

The victims deal with the abuse.
Then when they get enough courage to leave, they have to go into hiding.
Afraid every-time the phone goes off, that it is them.
Every-time someone knocks on the door, they wonder.
Have I been found? Will I have to move again?
When they go out, they look behind them constantly making sure no one is following them.
Careful to post any information on social media, so they cannot be cyber stalked by them.
A friend request on the internet makes them suspicious, wondering if that could be them.
Someone who is friendly sets off alarms, wondering if somehow this person could be related to their abuser.
The victim did not ask for any of this yet, the only way to survive is to leave and hide.
Forever wondering if they will be found and put through the abuse again.

Goodbye.
Wait.
I need to live, I need everyone to know my name.
I need people to know, how long I fought.
I need them to know, that they wounded me.
Everyone has to know my name.
Please, don't let me be gone and forgotten.

Wake me up.
I have had this dream before.
Tired eyes.
Wrinkle under eyes.
Tired body.
Stressed mind.
Please take me out of this dream, I can no longer live in this world I have created.
Where you are the Prince and do no wrong.
A glimpse of light crawled through the darkness and I saw the light, you were trying to hide me from.
I'm no longer yours.

Staying in the situation wasn't possible.
I had to get out from his sight.
I had to leave.
I had no choice, not that I would of wanted to stay.
But, I sit and wonder what would of happened if I had.
If I stayed in the situation with him.
If's consume my mind.
It's hard to let go, of the past.
Because they were my life.
In a way they still are because I find myself consumed with thinking about them.
All those memories.
They were all fake.
They never cared.
But a part of me says it wasn't fake.
A war is happening inside of my head.
Who will win?

He is the winner.
He tried hard to win.
He did everything right, but also, he did everything wrong.
I thought he was right, I thought he did everything right.
I wasn't looking.
We all wanted to believe he was doing the right thing.
After a part of me realized he wasn't the hero, that he did have flaws.
It was already too late because a part of me was already poisoned.
Poisoned by his thoughts that he drilled inside of my brain while trying to make it seem he was there.
While the world was living, I was trying to stay alive and I believed he was helping.
Did he save me at all?
Was he part of the reason I stayed on this world?
Or was I the one who told myself to hang on?
Slowly day by day I try to cleanse my mind of what he said, I try to realize I was the one who saved myself.
But in the end, he is the winner because I don't think I will every truly cleanse my mind.
I will never be the same person I was before he came along.
But every time I take another step into the other direction that he wouldn't have approved of, I am winning.
But I will never be the winner, I will always be trying to get him out of my head.
I will always try to tell myself he isn't right, because no matter what I do a little part of me will believe his hateful words

If I told you, everything that has happened, would you believe me?
Because they didn't.
If I told you, everything I said to him, would you believe me?
Because he didn't care.
If I told you, what he did, would you blame me?
Because they did.
Would you love me, and trust me, would you understand if I told you everything?
If I told you everything, would you look at me different?
Would you see me as a victim?
Because I'm not, I don't want to be seen as a victim.
If I told you, that I'm happy now, would you believe me even after everything I have gone through?
Because I'm not sure if I am.

Everything had to be perfect. I had to have a knife, music and band aids.
I pick up the knife and slowly pull up my sleeve so my wrist can be seen.
I cut my wrist slowly thinking of all the reasons I want to cut.
I think about everything anyone has ever told me. I try to stop but I can’t.
I lied to myself and I keep telling myself I can stop.
Cut, cut, cut, blood.
The blood slowly goes down my wrist and I cry.
I want to stop I really do. I close my eyes; I sit down on the floor thinking about all my thoughts in the dark bathroom.

It's hard to hear your name.
It's hard to talk about you, when I know nothing about who you really are.
I want to believe that you are different.
I want to believe that you can show others who you truly are.
Because I only saw the part that wanted nothing good for me.
Do you care?
Do you miss me?
Do you ever hear my name?
Does the memory of me ever keep you up at night?
Do you ever want to cry, because of what you did?
Why won’t you admit it?

Everything comes back to you.
Over and over again.
I have told the truth.
Yet I'm the one punished.
For what you have done.

I had never opened up myself to anyone.
Until i had talked to you.
Before i had lived life.
Until you had taken control of mine.
I listened to you, thinking nothing was wrong.
All those words i had said, didnt matter to you.
I was desprate to hold onto anyone who showed me an ounce of love, healthy or not.
Everyone knows now.
I have to say it's worse.
I almost wish i had stayed oblivious to your ways.
Because i lost almost everyone i cared about.
Because they don't believe me.
It's not that though that is really bothering me.
It's the fact that, you can walk around and do anything you wish without a worry in the world.
I have to be the one who is stressed.
I am the one who doesn't  get to see the girls grow-up.
I have to sit at family functions and hear about you.
I have to hold it all in, because would look at me as though I was the crazy one.
When in truth, you are the one.
You are the one who thought it was ok.
You are the one.
But I'm the one who has to pay every-day.

Your love was never mine.
Even though I thought it was.
Because my love was yours.
I was so deep and I didn’t realize you didn’t feel the same.
I was blind, even though every sign was there that your love wasn’t mine.
Why did I have to fall in love, why did you not love me?
At times, I ponder late at night when everything has gone to sleep, I ponder if somehow i really wasn’t blind.
Maybe you did love me?
Will I ever know for sure, or will I always wonder?