The sun is peeking through the fog; I’m sitting on the bench it’s for 4am or maybe 4 30 I’m not exactly sure. I hear the birds; the wind is blowing slightly on my face. I have some coffee; I wish I had tea though but it reminds me of you. I have so many things on my mind part of the reason I woke up at 4 I’m sure it was 4 this time. I have been sitting and thinking for hours. My coffee is cold now, the sun came out from the fog the wind is still blowing but a little more now. I should go inside and socialize but I’m tired so I’ll just keep sitting until I feel fine again.

Fallen One.
Lost one.
Injured one.
Twin towers destroyed.


I’m sorry for the people who lost their life.
I’m sorry for the families.
So much damage happened that day.

My father told me where he was when he first heard what happened.
I have heard horror stories, people tell me where they were and what they were feeling that day.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry this day ever happened.
Peace was not in the air that day, hate and smoke filled the air.
Airline security became more secure.
A lot of things changed after that day happened.
But in the middle of all this happening, my cousin was born.
A new life joined the world.

A, Anorexia.

B, Body Image

C, Cutting.

D, Death.

E, Emblaze.

F, Forgiveness.

G, Gene.

H, Helpless.

I, Insane.

J, Jocund.

K, Kindness.

L, Lost.

M, Memories.

N, Numb.

O, Oxygen.

P, Patience.

Q, Quiet.

R, Rejected.

S, Suicide.

T, Tired.

U, Undo.

V, Vivid.

W, Worthless.

X, Xanthippe.

Y, Yellow.

Z, Zombie.

Is it alright if I sit alone?
Is it alright if I sit alone, here with my cd's?
Is it alright if I sing the lyrics under my breathe, so no one can hear
Is it alright if I sit alone all day?
Because I need some quiet today.
Is it alright if after I have grown tired of listening to my cd's if I watch some T.V.?
Is it alright if while I watch T.V. I eat junk food and have a cheat day.
Is it alright if I sit alone.
Because when I am alone, I come up with the greatest ideas.
Because when I am alone, I have words flowing through my head for my next poem.
Tomorrow though we will sit together and do all these things.
But today may I sit alone?

The dark angel is holding me tightly, I cannot be free from him.
The dark angel is becoming stronger, how do I let go?
The dark angel, is telling me that it isn’t worth it.
How does the dark angel get in my head? How does he get a hold of me?
Every time the dark angel has control I forgot how I escaped the last time.
I forget the happy moments when we talked.
I forget how to smile.
I forget that I have another Angel who is waiting for me, to guide me once I get back into the light.
The dark angel says he is my only friend, is this true?
Do I no longer have anyone else, is he really the only one?
I close my eyes and I know this is not true, because I remember the moments we talked, I remember how to smile, I remember that I have you.
I am no longer in the dark, the dark angel is no longer controlling me.
I’m in the light for now, I do not forget about the dark angel.
I do not forget about him holding me tightly.
I do not forget that he is strong, I do not forget him telling me it isn’t worth it.
I’m afraid.
Will I be pulled back into the darkness?
Will I be able to escape the dark angel again?
I fear I will become too weak and someday I will be too weak to fight him.
Will everything be ok?

I have had a fairly bad day.
Nothing exactly went wrong.
But have you ever just been so tired.
That you can barely keep your eyes open.
Have you ever had everything fall apart right in front of you?
Have you had a day where you are around everyone you love, yet you still feel bad.
Because something is making you feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up?
But you can't do anything about the situation.
Because it wasn't your fault.
But you blame yourself any way and doubt everything.

I have had a fairly bad day.
Nothing exactly went wrong.
But have you ever just been so tired.
That you can barely keep your eyes open.
Have you ever had everything fall apart right in front of you?
Have you had a day where you are around everyone you love, yet you still feel bad.
Because something is making you feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up?
But you can't do anything about the situation.
Because it wasn't your fault.
But you blame yourself any way and doubt everything.

I’m walking down the sidewalk going to the next store,
I look up and I see pretty girls.
I look down again fast hoping they don’t see me, Be invisible.
Thin, Pretty, Perfect hair, Beautiful eyes, and the perfect body.
I am, I’m just like them I’m beautiful,
I don’t have perfect hair and I don’t exactly have the prettiest eyes.
I’m fat I have curves and my waist isn’t a size 2.
I make eye contact with them and smile slightly, they smile back and say hello.
They talked to me!
Maybe my mom was wrong maybe I’m beautiful.

The Bunny stares with round black eyes.
The girl felt that this bunny was important to her.
After all it was given to her when she was 6.
Her daddy bought it for her and gave it to her.
This bunny has gotten her through nightmares.
The bunny was there when her dog Amber passed away.
The girl snuggled up to the bunny and sniffed the stuffed bunnies fur.
It smelled like her mom’s cookies she use to make, it smelled like her old shampoo she use to use.
The girl cried when her heart got broken, the bunny was right there to comfort her.
When the girl’s mom said she hated her, the bunny was there to snuggle with until she fell asleep.
The bunny reminded her of good times, when her mom loved her.
It was soft and a beautiful pink color.  
The bunny was her best-friend.

I wish I didn’t listen to you, you told me I was fat, ugly and a liar.
You said I would become a drug addict like my birth mom, because you said I was gullible.
You made me feel awful to the point of measuring my wrists when I woke up, hoping I didn’t become more fat.
You are disappointed of me.
You don’t know I write, you made me stop for a long time because you said my writing wasn’t good.
You point things out that you see in yourself that you see in me too. But you don’t fix yourself you try to fix me.
You hate yourself for letting me see my birth mom, you took her away from me when I was starting to know her. Where you afraid I would love her more? That wouldn’t have been hard because I was starting to love her more.
You don’t know how dark my life was when I didn’t see her anymore, she was my second chance at having a mom.

She took my life, but left me breathing.
Sometimes it was hard to breath, I felt like I was choking.
I lost my breath when she came near me, I didn’t know how long I had left to live.
I was dying slowly each day, life had no meaning.

They tried to build me.
They tried to build me so I didn't fall again.
They kept failing though.
I kept crashing back down.
They started getting tired.
Because they had their own life, they had to build up other people who meant more to them.
I was left, crashing slowly each day.
Until I became something I never thought I would be.
Then he reached out, and I started building myself up.
But I would stumble and fall.
He would stay and watch me.
Making sure I didn't fall to far.
He was there at night when I needed someone.
He counts the days with me.
I have to admit, at first I thought he would leave.
If he hadn't been here.
I don't think I would be where I am.
Slowly building myself up every-day.
Slowly becoming who I want to be.

I want to be a butterfly
Butterflies are unique not one alike.
Butterflies use to mean nothing to me.
Until I started getting older
Butterflies fly and go where ever life takes them.
I want to be a beautiful yellow butterfly that flies and goes where ever life takes it.
A beautiful free butterfly with no care in the world is what I want to be.
So, gentle and loving, so sweet and beautiful.
I want to be a butterfly please.

Butterfly
You use to mean nothing to me, until I started self-harming.
I came across the butterfly project.
You draw a butterfly where you self-harm and name it after someone special.
Don’t rub the butterfly off, let it wash off naturally.
If you don’t cut, your butterfly lives. If you do it dies and you draw another.
I cut on my wrists, so I draw a butterfly there.
I name my butterfly after my friend Michael, it is harder to cut if you name it after someone you love.
Someday I hope to stop cutting, I have a lot of support.
If you are reading this and your self-harming, please tell someone.
I’m here if you need to talk.
You are not alone, even if it feels like that sometimes.

The multi-colored cat is sitting in the window.
It's looking out the window, curiously looking at the outside world.
The sun is going down.
The light is shinning on his fur.
The cat seems happy, he seems content in this home.
He will grow old looking out this window.
He has a home forever where he will be loved.
He will be loved, that's all he wants.

Can I call you daddy would that be ok?
See I was told you were my biological dad my whole life.
Until my biological mom said otherwise.
I asked for a DNA test, you said yes I would love to do that.
But when I really pushed your promise of doing a DNA test you said no.
Can I still call you daddy? Is that what you are?
I miss you so much.
I know why you declined the DNA test, you were dating this woman named Theresa.
If I was your daughter, that means you were cheating on Theresa.
It’s a confusing tale I know.
All I want to know is are you my daddy? I need to know.

I held her, I pulled her close to me until she felt safe.
I whispered in her ears telling her I loved her, did she feel safe with me?
I told her she was leaving this world, she asked am I going to a better place?
She died in my arms.
I looked in her eyes, she was at peace.
I love you Chloe you meant the world to me.
I know I wasn't always the greatest towards you.
You will always be in my heart.

I'm sitting on our plastic bench.
My eyes are barely open, I'm looking up into the sky.
I see grey clouds..
Rain drops fall onto my face as I sit on this plastic bench.
The sky is crying, I wonder why it is sad.
Is the sky mourning a loss?
Is it going through a tough time?
Or does it just feel the need to cry and let the world know it isn't feeling alright today?
Does the sky need it's best-friend, the sun to cheer it up, or does it want to weep alone tonight?

This room is far too dark; I lay in my bed scared.
My demons are attacking me, leave me alone.
Please someone turn on the light, don’t leave me in this darkness.

What are you going to say at my funeral now that I have died?
Here lays the body of a girl, a friend, a person who had dreams. A person who wanted to do many things.
She is no was beautiful, she never thought she was beautiful. She was insecure and unhappy, she was serious and depressed.
She didn’t like her body, the way the fat held on and never let go. She hated the way she smiled when everyone else complimented her on it.
Here lays the girl that never got a chance to live she was only 15 years old. Her 16th birthday was in November, but she felt that she had been here too long.
Here lays the girl who will never read another book or ever get married. She will never have kids; she will never be able to make the same mistakes her parents did.
She is dead and it’s all over, the pain, sadness, and depression. Her demons will no longer torment her.

I look for you in everyone.
Because I don't want to get hurt anymore.
Yes, I look for you in everyone.
So no one else can do, what you did to me.
If someday I run into you, don't expect me to say sorry for speaking up.
Don't expect a hug, because you don't deserve feeling my warmth.
Don't expect me to listen to you, when you try to tell me, that you did nothing.
I don't want you to even admit you did anything, because I know what happened.
I don't need anything from you, leave me alone.
Please, don't look for me, don't knock on my door.
Please, don't reach out.
The only thing you need to know is that I'm doing fine without you.
The only thing you need to know is that you did not keep me down.
The only thing you will find, is a different girl.
A girl who doesn't let people do what you did.
You have taken enough from me.
No, I don't forgive you.

Don’t give up, fight.
You are strong, believe me you are.
Don’t give up, you have friends and family.
Someone loves you, I promise.
Don’t give up, you still have me.
You are beautiful.
There is a place for you here on this beautiful, confusing world I swear.

I drank too much, I passed out at 3.
You made me want to pick up a bottle and drink until I couldn’t feel anything.
I hate you.
I want to stop drinking, I don't want to come home drunk.
I don't know how to stop though, I don't know what to do.

He slowly got up and leaned on me for support,
One foot in front of the other he slowly starts walking.
A little trouble but there he goes he’s walking.
A little fall but he gets right back up he’s fine.
He slowly walks to the front door opens it slowly and he walks outside on the porch.
He looks around like he is seeing everything for the first time, He looks at the trees, he hears the birds singing a beautiful song. He see’s kids in the street playing on their bikes.
Then he turns around and looks at me and smiles, I smile back knowing that I helped him walk now he has his freedom again.

Take a gun to my head, blow it all away.
I don’t want to see your faces.
It’s too painful to remember you, it’s too painful to remember the memories.
If you’re going to haunt my life at least do it during the day, night is my only break but lately you haven’t let me sleep.
My eyes are open; my body is moving through the motions but I’m not really here. I’m somewhere far away in a beautiful world that I can't escape to often.

It’s 4 o clock and I’m still sleeping, I might sleep the whole day.
But I don’t, I rub my eyes and lay in my bed.
I think about my mom; I try to remember a time when we got along.
I try to remember good memories.
I remember the first time you said you loved me.
I remember my first love.
Happy days.
Rainbows.
Smiles.
Love.
I can’t remember when that all went away, I can’t remember when I started becoming sad.
I stay home now because I get nervous when I go outside.
I stay up all night and sleep during the day.
Knifes.
Razors.
Black clothes.
I’m tired, leave me alone.
I’m fine really, lie.
The cat scratched me, that’s where those cuts came from.
No one cares.
I’m sorry I’m not the happy girl anymore.

I loved her and she loved me.
But it was wrong, I wasn’t supposed to love anything.
I wasn’t supposed to love her.
People would think it’s wrong, people will judge.
They will stare even when I don’t do anything wrong.

What do you think about ghosts?
What did you think of them when you were small?
Before they started haunting you in your sleep.
What did you think of demons, before they were pushing you down?
What did you think of depression?
Before you struggled with it yourself.
What did you think about people with Anorexia before you struggled with it?
I hope, you would think that the ghosts will someday go away.
I hope you found a way to find peace while sleeping.
I hope you found healthy ways to deal with the depression.
I hope you decided to get help when you struggled with Anorexia.
But, if you didn't, you still can do these things.
If you feel like you can't do these things you can!
You can get better, you can start recovery.
If you fall while in recovery then lift yourself back up, and find the strength once again to help yourself.

I can’t subject you to my horrors, I can’t do it anymore.
It’s a new day but everything is the same except for the sky.
I’m tired of living each day and have nothing change, but I’ll look back a year later and realize everything really has changed.
Why do the bad things have to stay and keep torturing my sleep, my life and my brain it’s killing me.

You will never understand how much it hurts.
Your empty words don’t help.
Don't try to make it seem like you care.
When you are part of the reason I'm feeling this way.

Open me up look inside. Look at my soul, look on the outside see my skin,
look at the scars I have and you ask where I got them,
I lie and say I fell.
How many times can I use that excuse before you realize what I’m doing?
It’s been 2 years since I started this addiction, I get a high feeling, a release in a way.
I feel so good inside but I feel guilty at the same time, I want to stop please help me.
I don’t know how to tell you what I’m doing.
I don’t want you to be disappointed of me but I know you are already.

I’m the mistake, the failure, the lost cause.
I’m the adopted kid that keeps getting rejected I’m not really yours, you make me feel that way.
It takes a million sorries and I love you to make me believe that you really want me still.
Have you ever wanted me?
I love you don’t you see that?
I’m killing myself trying to make you happy, take your pills now before you say something you will regret, you already said you hated me

you're in my veins,
and I just want
you
out.
it's my fault,
you begged for me back,
I said no
every time.
but sometimes,
I still have to remind myself why
I can't text you
and tell you I still miss you.
I still see you in my dreams.
I can't listen to your favorite band or wear your t-shirts anymore.
at 1 in the morning sometimes I cry
and I'm blaming you.

I will survive this life.
I will survive the nights when I cry for hours.
I will survive the moments during the day where I feel exhausted.
I will survive the moments when I feel like I cannot get out of bed.
I will survive living without them here with me.
I will survive.
I always have, because a part of me has always wanted to live.
A part of me has always told me to hang on.
But I need you, because I'm stronger with you.
I'm stronger when I write.
I'm stronger every day I decide to get out of bed and make the effort.

Hey,
It’s been a while since I wrote a letter to you.
I’m sad right now and this makes me feel closer to you.
I checked your Facebook, it seems like you’re doing ok.
I heard you have a daughter now, she looks beautiful.  
I sent you a message will you answer me please.
I’m sorry I hurt you Jake.
It’s been 5 years since we saw each other last.
You post old pictures of us but you didn’t post any of us this year on your page.
I have to live with my mistake every day of my life, please don’t hate.
I’m sorry I love you, you will always be my big brother.

You’re killing me slowly. Can’t you see that I’m in pain?
I don’t want to get out of bed.
I cry when no one can hear me. I don’t smile anymore. I feel so sad at times I want to die.
Every day is another battle I have to fight!
I can’t love anyone or trust people because of you. Why did you leave? Why did you reject me I was just a baby when you gave me up? What did I do? Was I not good enough for you?
Even when I was older you rejected me again. But I want to see you.
  I love you. Please don’t go again. I need you. Don’t leave me alone.  Because I don’t know if I can keep fighting alone.

Haven’t you ever seen a knife before?
She slowly pushed it closer to me.
''Yes, I have seen one once before''
I think in my head of all the times I had picked up this knife, at night, in the afternoon and in the morning when I felt alone.
She pushed it closer once more.
Tempting me, she knew I was trying to stay away from this knife.
She, isn't even a person, she is apart of me.
A small part of me, trying to push me into the habit again.
I'm fighting it, I always will.

Knifes **** me, I’m bleeding I’m going to die.
I think of everything that has happened in my life. I had a picture in my head of how my life was going to be, how I wanted my life to be. But it’s over everything is over.
I lye still thinking.
  I’m thinking of my mother and how I wish I had made things ok with her. I’m thinking of my grandmother she is like my mom; I love her so much.
I always thought she would die first I was wrong.
I’m thinking of all the books I’ll never get to read now.
I’m thinking of my baby cousins who will grow up not knowing me.
Oh God please help me! I made a mistake.
I love you dad, I’m sorry. I slowly close my eyes knowing it’s over.
The pain is over, the yelling, the fighting is all over.
But it’s really not all over I open my eyes and see a white room with a T.V. on the wall and a cross above the doorway. It’s a hospital, did someone find me?

When he looked into her eyes, his eyes were soft.
I could only see love in his eyes.
Even if he had only looked at her for a moment, I could tell that he loved her.
She was sleeping.
It was sweet, even if she wasn't awake and she would never know this moment happened.
He knew he had looked into her eyes, he knew he loved her.
These moments are the moments that are the most sweet, these are the moments that keep them going, that keep them together.

What do you think of yourself? Late at night when your makeup has been cleaned off, when your insecurities are more easy to notice?
Do you feel that you can do anything?
Do you feel ok about who you are?
Do you see someone else late at night? When no one is around and you don't have to hide yourself anymore.
Are you pretty enough without your face being painted?
I know it's a struggle dear to not show who you are.
I know you feel you cannot do anything.
I know you beat yourself up inside.
You see someone who is broken and flawed.
The make-up is a mask, a cover up to hide the pain you feel inside.
I want you to know, that I see who you are.
Don't hide behind make-up.
Wipe it off, show your pimples and scars.
Darling be who you are when you have no make-up at night.
Be who you are when you smile in the mirror alone, before people's thought invade your mind.
Because I will love you, no matter who you are.
I will love you, without make-up and masks.

The masked face stares at me.
I can only see her eyes.
Is the masked girl friendly?
I reach out and try to grab her hand.
She starts walking away from me, where is she going?
I follow her and walk down this road.
She stops at this house, she says it is her house.
She hands me a picture of a baby, it’s her.
I walk further down the road stopping at different destinations that are important to her.
The girl stops and looks at me.
She says this is my life, she said it’s her life.
She starts walking again and I keep following her.
I see more pictures of her.
I see pictures of when she was a teenager.
I see a picture of her when she was 18.
But she stops and her appearance changes.
She takes off her mask, her face looks unhappy.
Her eyes look sad, her mask told a story.
She is fading slowly; her life is slipping away.
Tears roll down her eyes and she says good bye.

My mom was holding my hand so hard it hurt. But at the same time it felt good because she never held my hand.
She never hugged me or even kissed me.  I wondered how long this would last her holding my hand.
I looked down memorizing her hand, her nails, and little imperfections.
I slowly looked up at her face, memorizing her eyes they are blue, her hair is a beautiful light red with little curls throughout her hair.
Her voice is special sometimes it can be very sweet to hear her, but at times I wish I didn’t hear what she said at all.
I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me, I wonder if she will be ok after I leave.

My life changed forever in the moment that later would define me.
That moment haunted me when I realized what had happened.
It happened, I know.
It's not my fault though.
I should have said no.
No, wasn't in my mind when the moment happened.
After I knew it was wrong.
I kept his secret and he kept mine.
Sometimes, I would hope someone would realize.
I hoped someone would tell me that this moment was not ok.
That I did nothing wrong, even though I felt ok in the moment in a way.
Why did this moment happen?

Month by month she was fading away,
Sometimes I saw who she really was.
She was a friend, a wife, and she was my mom.
Day by day it seemed to get worse but I sat with her and talked to her as much as I could.
Sometimes the memories come back of how it used to be, I remember her calling me a *****.
She told me she hated me, she said I ruined everything when really I was trying to fix things.
I loved my mom, even if she didn’t always love me.

Dear Anorexia, you told me you would be my friend. You promised thinness, happiness and you promised you wouldn’t leave.
You didn’t leave, you were my shadow.
You told me what I was allowed to eat.
You made me cry, you made me lose everything.
I felt numb, it felt like I was high.
When I walked I felt like I was floating on a cloud unaware of my surroundings.
Cutting myself the only time I felt alive.
I was told my fear of food may never go away, I was told my family may never trust me again.
My mind isn’t my own.
I worry about being lonely without you, sometimes I go full minutes without thinking about food that’s when I feel the most incomplete.
My voice was taken I couldn’t speak, without asking you if it was ok.
Toilets, mirrors, knifes, and razors are my friends.
You are my friend aren’t you Anorexia?

It happened one day when i was in my room.
I was watching a movie, and this girl was self-harming.
I went back to this video a few times.
She looked happy, the truth is, she probably wasn't.
After getting deeper into videos, movies, and blogs.
It sounded like a good release to my pain i was going through at the time.
So i watched the movie once again and did what she had done.
Then i did it again.
It became an every-day thing i did.
Then i stopped.
Telling myself to stop.
Stop.
I started again.
I reached out to a family member, and he knew.
He asked to take pictures of my wrists.
He said no one would find out.
He told me that it would be our secret.
He grabbed my wrists one time and I pushed him away uncomfortable.
He hid my secret from everyone.
Days, weeks, months, 1 year had passed.
Another year had gone by.
Until it turned into 3 years.
Then i stopped once again, thinking that I would relapse again.
I got to 20 days.
Until it turned into months.

It has become night, the most dangerous time.
When everything seems to come out and try to push you into the dark part of your mind.
The thoughts you push away come out.
You struggle falling asleep.
So, you turn on the radio but the song him and you listened to comes on and you start crying.
You remember everything.
You are not safe at night time.
You stay awake for as long as you can, until you have become exhausted and your eyes slowly start closing.
Your final thought is, I hope my dreams don't torture me.

Pages turn quickly.
Events happen on each page.
Some defining you.
Other events making you weary.
Some events that happen on the page are good memories, those seem to go even faster though.

I don’t want to miss you today, I wanted today to be a good day.
Missing you drains me, I cry when I think about you.
Why couldn’t things work out?
I’m sorry things couldn’t have been different.
I’m listening to the song that reminds me of you.
I didn’t want to hear this song; I didn’t want to think about you today.

The past, one thing we can never change.
The future, we look back on the past, looking at things that have happened hoping things get better.
We cannot change the past, we want to though.
We wish this never happened.
We wish our loved one hadn’t died.
People say it’s the past move on, it’s not that easy.
Walk around with my pain and anxiety from losing my birth family.
Then tell me, it’s in the past.
Have your mom scream at you and call you awful names, try to forgive her, remember what you said it’s in the past move on.
I try to move on, I try to forgive and love.
I try to not think of the past, it haunts me though.

As she walks down the road, she’s sees him. He is sitting on a park bench. The sun is beating down on his face he is an older man.  
She keeps walking by not realizing this man would someday have an important part in her life.
She keeps walking down the streets, she is going to school. She sees the people on the street but do they see her?
Did the older man see her? She sees him every day, wondering why he is there.