Her hands are breaking;
She sits at the piano bench waiting for her hands to be ok so she can play.
Her daddy broke her hands she’s so sad. Her daddy came home drunk she was excited to see him at first,
she sat at her piano that her mama bought her for her birthday when she was eight.
  She started to play for her dad but he got mad, so he threw her into the wall and broke her hands.
He was drunk again,
her mama wasn’t home she was out selling drugs to get some money.
She told her mama to sell the piano so she wouldn’t have to sell drugs for a while. But her mama didn’t sell it,
her daddy left and her mama died when she was 18.
The girl got her own place she brought her piano with her. She was able to play again because her hands healed.
She goes into her own world and forgets about her mama selling drugs. She continues to play the piano; she forgets about her daddy. The piano is the girls drug, her addiction, her medication

I started writing again a year ago for the first time since I was 8.
I started again in the hope that it would help me stop self-harming.
A healthy way to get my anger out, but for the first time in four months I self-harmed tonight.
I have cuts on my wrist, I have scars there from previous times.
I will have to start recovery again, I thought 4 months ago was my last time.
I’m not angry with myself, I have relapsed a lot.  
4 months is my new record; I should be proud of that.
I’m sorry Alexis that you know I self-harm, I’m sorry you will see new cuts again.
I’m sorry Josh, you had been amazing towards me since you found out I self-harmed.
I’m sorry I relapsed again Josh, you told me to pray to God, instead I wrote poems.
I’m sorry grandma, I know your worried about me.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
At least, that’s what she thinks.

She’s more confident when scars are hiding on her body.
Until she looks in a mirror
And realizes what she has done to herself.

She hates herself when she looks in the mirror.
Until that feeling goes away
When someone says, something mean, without knowing her story
That’s when self-hatred comes out and captures her mind.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
All her issues are better when expressed on her skin.
  Crashing back when the high of self-harming is gone.
And it ends up causing her more pain, then she had before.

She likes the world more when she has self-harmed.
It’s filled with so much good
Until something sets her off and feels the need to self-harm again
And she hates it all more than she should once again.

Her mind feels calm, when she self-harms.
Terrified of losing that feeling
She soon wants to self-harm again.

But she can stop any time she wants
She has herself trying to believe this.
Because self-harm takes the pain away.
That is, until all her friends leave.
Because her life revolves around the next time she self-harms again.

Shards of sadness filled my life,
Piece by piece it filled my heart until there was nothing but sadness,
Sadness has taken over, there is no helping me now.

I’m sick, head hurts, ears hurt. My mouth is sour.
It hurts when I swallow.
I can’t eat much.
I am so lucky it’s also the time of the month.
My family has been sick lately and I have been taking care of them.
It was bound to happen, me being sick.
It's ok though gives me an excuse to sleep.

The silence woke her.
She become aware of everything.
Suddenly the world had become quiet.
She could see the people running around.
But she became oblivious to what people said.
Everyone became unfamiliar with her voice.
Because everyone was tired of trying to speak to her when she seemed like she wasn't listening.
But she was, she didn't know what to say though because everything was falling apart.

It’s quiet outside this morning.
Fog fills the air; I’m walking down the sidewalk.
The trees are a beautiful color, green, brown, and red leaves fill the street.
The wind is blowing and for now everything is calm. But the calmness won’t last it never does.
I don’t see anyone, I’m glad that way I don’t have to smile or talk to anyone.
My mind is cluttered full of thoughts; I don’t know what to think or say.

I am a girl who hides behind a smile.
Everyone who looks at me in one glance could think that I am happy. I have everything that I could dream of.
Their mistaken, they should look at me more closely.
People should look at my long sleeves on a hot day, they should know something is wrong.
I don’t like eating in front of people because they stare.
If everyone took a little more time to notice someone, or smile at a person maybe the world wouldn’t be so sad. Maybe I wouldn’t be sad.

September 10th.
This date never use to be important to me.
Until 5 years ago, tomorrow is Suicide Prevention Day.
Suicide, what an interesting word.
I’m sorry to say, my dad lost his best-friend to suicide.
Suicide, took his life.
My dad still thinks about him.
My dad’s friend had a mother.
His mother is still alive; she still misses her son.
She has pictures of him everywhere.
I’m sorry to everyone who has lost someone to suicide.

I sat in my chair, it was a brown, cream peachy color.
I put my feet up and snuggled under my blanket, I loved this blanket.
The blanket was so big, it had big blue and pink flowers on it.
I had a table next to my chair, my book was on there that I was currently reading.
I looked out my window and closed my eyes, I could see orange and yellow colors when I did.
The sun was out, it was beautiful and warm, I felt safe.
I kept my eyes closed and relaxed, I thought about my life.

I’m lost in a million different worlds, I’m tangled and weaved into lives that aren’t mine.
At night I slowly fall into my  world hoping someone will comfort me tonight.
I lie and say I’m fine when I really want to scream.
I see you, I want to reach out and touch your face.
I see you every night. I want you to comfort me but you never do, you never did. Why don’t you?
I think I’m going crazy; I don’t want to see you anymore in my world.
Leave me alone! I hate you.

I need someone to hold my hand.
I need to feel the warmth of the skin.
I need you to understand I might be sad even when you do this.
Don't be alarmed if I suddenly break out into tears.
It's not you, I'm glad your here holding my hand.
Sometimes though even when I know someone is here for me.
I still feel the need to cry.
Because I feel things, and I see things, and life happens and it's hard at times.
So, don't run away when my eyes become filled with tears.
Because if you weren't here, holding my hand, it might be worse.

Hey, I thought I would write something for all my followers.
I would like to start off by thanking Word Freak.
Word Freak was my first ever follower, he is the one who told me about this site.
Thank you to cgembry, the first person to like my work.
Thank you, Teresa Alaska the first person to comment on my work.
Thank you, Anna-Maria Rose Newell, you have given me a lot of inspiration.
Thank you, Walter W. H., David Hewitt, and Enslaved King you also have given me inspiration.
Thank you, Joellei for always being here when I need someone to talk to!
Thank you, Flames for a martyr, Toxic moon and Vicki.
Thank you, Woody, Stephen, and Keith Wilson.
Thank you, Bleeding Diamonds you make me smile and laugh.
Thank you, Jennifer DeAngelo for writing a poem about me.
Thank you, Eebi Jonson the first person I collaborated with.
Thank you, Kristy Renae Dalton.
Thank you,  John Stevens for raising your two beautiful grandchildren, I can tell they really love you.
Thank you, so much John Stevens for reading my work and giving me endless amounts of support.
Thank you to John Stevens wife also.
Thank you to all my followers each and every one of you are special to me.

The glass house sits there waiting to be shattered,
the people inside are the ones who will shatter it with their words and actions.
The people inside yell and everyone knows even though they try to hide it.
The girl inside is scared her parents are going to get a divorce. She hides and tries to not listen to the fighting.
She’s tired of having to keep going back there.
The other lady inside hates her she has told the girl.
It seems so hopeless but the girl still tries to make everything alright.
But she needs help herself but she will never ask the people in the house for it.
The glass house keeps shattering because of the mean words and the girl tries to rebuild it.
She wants to get out of there and she can but she is still afraid of what lies ahead. The girl is afraid she will fail.
Even when she leaves the broken glass house to spend time with the rest of the family she pushes them away she doesn’t want them to get hurt trying to pick up the shattered pieces of her life because she is hurt herself by trying to fix things.
What is the girl supposed to do?
She needs help can’t the people inside the house see that?
Don’t they care?
But in the end it doesn’t matter because it shatters slowly and then it breaks all at once
and the girl can’t do anything anymore she can’t fix the house, she could never fix it. The house was already breaking she didn’t see that though.

Dreams pass
Lives change.
The world keeps going.
People fall.
People pass.
The world keeps going.
People struggle.
People rush by without saying hi.
The world keeps going.
When will it change?

Today is the day...
Today is the day that I forget about you.
Today is the day when I let go of the pain you inflicted on me.
Today is the day when I let my scars heal.

Today is the day when I stop numbing the pain.
Today is the day when I face the mistakes I made.
Today is the day when I become who you wanted me to be.
Today is the day to change.
Is it ok if I'm no longer the nice girl?
Is it ok if I don't let you step on me?
Today is the day when I let your memory invade my mind.
I'm sorry I ran away for so long.
I didn't want my demons to catch me.
For a while, I felt nothing.
But then you came along and made me feel again, you left, I shut down.
Today is the day when I start feeling again.
Because I am figuring out that I do not need you, I can feel and still be stable

I became what you wanted me to be.
Feeling faithless, God is not here.
Lost in this darkness.
I'm still drowning.
What did you expect to happen when you did those things?
That everything would be ok.
That it wouldn't affect me, or were you hoping I evolved into the image you created for me.
Because I was becoming the person, you wanted.
A part of me still resisting, enough of me changed though.
Enough of me changed, and I started believing your ways.
You are gone, now who am I?

Depression.
Depression took over my mom’s life.
Suicide attempt.
Bullied when she was younger.
Made fun of because her mom couldn’t always afford nice clothes.
My mom went to college and became a nurse.
She didn’t see me grow up, she was to worried about her job.
My mom wanted a divorce from my father, the first time I heard them fight about it was when I was 13.
Pills.
No sleep.
Barely eating.
My mother stayed in her bedroom most of the time.
Sometimes she made me breakfast though.
When I was little I use to want to sit at the kitchen table, my mom always said no, she had bad memories from when she was a child at the table.
Be careful what you say, she might get mad.
I love my mother even if she doesn’t always remember she loves me.
She has told me she hates me 3 times, she doesn’t remember saying that.

Mama please don’t hurt me anymore.
I remember when you hit me with a remote, it ******* up my hand for weeks.
You said I wasn’t worth your money.
You told me he didn’t love me, you made me believe he stopped caring, I believed you.
I measured my wrists and made sure I didn’t gain weight.
Fat, *****, gross, smelly, pig. Those are the words you called me.
You say sorry, you aren’t though.
You say I hate you, yeah in a way I do.
But you hate me too.

I’m so tired I had nightmares that keep my eyes awake.
I’m Depressed I don’t feel.
I have an Eating Disorder.
No one can keep me from shaking and crying. Please help me.
Don’t you understand I feel fat already, you don’t have to tell me that I am.
Don’t you see that I’m not happy anymore, why don’t you help me?
Don’t you see my scars, do you even care?

Rain falling, it's really pouring.
People fighting inside the house.
I'm tired I didn't get much sleep, I'm surprised the rain usually makes me sleep.

I’m dancing with Anorexia.
Pushes me this way and that way.
I try to run away but it pulls me back every time.
I'm addicted to it,
I'm addicted to the voice in my head.
When someone says you lost weight, I feel like I'm winning.

The mirror is foggy; I can’t see my naked body.
I suppose that’s good, at least I don’t have to hate myself in the mirror this morning.
But when the mirror isn’t foggy anymore, I will have to turn around so I can’t see myself.  
I’m ugly, who could ever look at me and love me?

She is being pulled and pushed around.
She is being dragged around.
She hates this world; she has no freedom.
She always dreamed of getting out of this place at 18.
Wishes in her  heart usually never came true.
Getting use to the world was a struggle.
So innocent at one time.
She is labeled as depressed, suicidal, and a self-harmer.
Liar is her new name.
Life rejected her, she really rejected the world because she is scared.

Girl and Girl.
Boy and Boy.
Girl and Boy.
Who cares, who people love.
As long as your happy.
I broke my family apart with the person I chose to love.
No one thought it was a good idea.
My grandma thought it was gross.
My mom swore she would love me no matter who I choose, she lied.
As long as your happy, my mom said she would be happy.
I was happy, I was happy with my choice.
People thought it was a faze, that I really couldn’t be happy with my choice.
The name calling started.
I got punished for my choice.

The lights are out; I can’t see anything.
The town is quiet; everyone is sleeping besides me.
I walk the streets of this little town I grew up in.
I see corn fields.
I see the library I use to love.
I see the local high school where dreams come true.
This town makes me sad because you’re not here anymore.
I want to see you again but that means I would have to go to heaven.
You had dreams of getting out of this town and doing something better, you said I could come with you to New York, we could travel the world.
Reality hits and I realize I’m not going anywhere so I lay down in the corn field and enjoy the stars.
We use to look at the stars together.
I miss you.

I died inside, I would cry so hysterically as if it would bring him back to life.
I needed him, he had always been there.
He will never hold me again.
He will never come home with flowers for me.
He will never smile.
He’s dead, I’m alone.
I love you, someday we will see each other again.

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten, I broke my rule.
I shouldn’t have eaten; it was so good though.
The way the food felt while it was going down my throat, it felt amazing.
After I eat one thing I need to eat more, I can’t control myself after I eat one thing.
If I binge I could throw up after, that’s an option.
I haven’t binged yet, 1 sandwich and a smoothie earlier this morning.
Since I had the smoothie, food has been on my mind.
I wanted to be good, I didn’t want to eat like a pig.
I will have to punish myself tomorrow, no food for the fat girl.

He sat with her until she fell asleep, she knew who he really was.
He loved the girl and she loved him so much and even though things were falling apart with her family, she knew she had him and it all seemed to feel ok knowing that.
He told her to sleep.
But before she closed her eyes she thought about everything.
She was in his life for the moment she hoped she always would be. Even if she is not she is grateful for his existence here on earth.
Because he touches people lives, makes people smile and laugh.
Even though his life wasn’t the greatest no one knew but her of what he really had to go through.
She slowly closed her eyes while he lay next to her singing softly.

Rows of machines filled the room.
Loud sounds and flashing lights.
Hundreds of people all there for the same thing.
I won enough that night to fix my car.
The first time felt like a high.
I was winning, I felt like I was providing for my family.
Night after night I went back, it became an addiction.

I loved drinking water on an empty stomach I waited for the water to slip down my throat.
I'm empty,
I’m cold, in a warm room.
I’m fat.
I want food, no you don’t need it. I love not eating.
78 calories 1 large egg.
95 calories 1 medium apple.
45 calories 1 small orange.
Eat it, throw it all up after.

She was walking up and down rows of graves.
Looking carefully at the names and when they died.
Was she looking for someone?
No she wasn’t this is one of her hobbies, to visit graves.
She is fascinated with death.

She stands there letting the water go down her body.
She closes her eyes, listening to the water coming out of the shower head.
She hopes the water will wash away the day.
She cries, she lies and says her eyes are red from soap getting in her eyes.

Look at me, my skin has dealt with a lot.
Scars and bruises fill my body.
My body is fragile, it breaks and bruises easily, that doesn’t stop you from hitting me.
Scars are on my wrist; it doesn’t stop me from cutting though.

I wrote a poem on my wrist, I used a razor as a pen.
I know I will die someday of me hitting a vein when I self-harm.
When I leave this world would you miss me?

Unzip me now, take away all the layers do you see it? My heart is underneath. Please look at it for me, touch my heart see if it’s still alive. Love my heart it won’t be broken that way, I need you.
My heart is broken from your lies
My heart is broken because of your broken promises
My heart is broken because you keep pushing me down, don’t say you hate me maybe my heart will be fixed.
My heart is broken do you see it? Unzip my skin further take away more layers.
Do you see it now?
My heart is broken I can’t stand the pain.
Look at what you did it’s all your fault.
Daddy tried so hard to keep you together he lied and said you didn’t mean it when you called me a *****.
My heart is broken and you won’t be the one to fix it, I know that.

She slipped through my fingers.
I couldn’t help her.

close my closet door and spend the night in there,
put headphones on and blast music in my ears. So I couldn't concentrate to ******* my thoughts in the hope that I would fall asleep.
I don’t want to close my eyes though and sleep for a lot of reasons.

Butterflies fly away, so will I someday when I get enough strength.

The knife is calling my name, the razor in the bathroom is screaming at me.
I look down at my arm and see the scars, I pull down my sleeves to cover all the memories the scars leave.
I try to get up and live, I remember the first time I cut I was 13.
I don’t want to live anymore, Goodbye.

Magazine clippings, newspaper clippings and online photos fill my bed.
I sit there looking through them trying to find a pretty thin girl.
I need more pictures, I need inspiration.
Ana is talking to me again, she told me I’m fat.
I tried to eat and get better, I tried to rule my own life.
I missed drinking cold water on an empty stomach
I missed feeling like a cloud when I walked.
I missed feeling dizzy.
I missed having hunger pains and crying out in the middle of the night.
I missed you Ana, my only friend.
I missed all of this so much, I went back to all of it.
I am happy for now, until Ana rules my whole life again.

This world is full of sorrow, how sad can this world get?
How sad can this world get before happiness takes over?
What has to happen before happiness is the norm and not something you occasionally see.
A sad story happens and everyone gets use to it.
People forget about how it can be.
I haven't forgotten, I haven't forgotten anything.
I don't know how much more I can take.

The sun is beating down on his face; he is an older man.
He is sitting on a park bench; he is feeding birds bread.
A girl comes walking up to the older man, she seems happy to see him.
The girl is crying tears of joy it seems.
The older man hugs the girl, they sit down on the bench.
The girl hands him a box, a box full of letters she wrote to him over the years.
The man slowly reads each one, sometimes smiling and laughing at what he reads.
He begins to read more, the man starts crying.
He is reading about her issue with her weight and food.
He reads about her self-harm.
The man slowly looks at the girl, he says I'm sorry honey.
I'm sorry I couldn't of been there for you, but I'm here now.

Throw a coin in the wishing well, close your eyes and wish for something.
I think of a million things I want.
I think of things I need.
I wish for my birth family to be in my life again.
I know I didn’t wish for candy
I didn’t wish for a guy to come back in my life.
I didn’t wish for world peace.
If you had the chance what would you wish for?

Put the key in the ignition, check your mirror and adjust your seat.
You’re ready to drive right?
Turns the radio on and switches the channel to rock and roll.
Rolls down the windows, I’m ready to drive.
I  pull out of the driveway, I said I’ll see you later to my parents I told them I loved them.
Ding, Ding, Ding what is that sound?
Is it a new message on my phone?
A sound outside maybe?
It’s the alarm telling me I don’t have a seat belt on, it doesn’t matter nothing will happen.
I said goodbye to everyone, no one will miss me if something does happen.
My brother is in the car though,
I crash my car it’s over.
I yell and scream help my brother.
Blood is dripping down; the windows are smashed.
He’s dead, my brother is dead.
I should have told him to wear his seat belt. I was his big sister; I was responsible for him.
I'm sorry.

I need to know that two people can be happy together forever.
I want to see a couple who makes it, but is also happy.
I remember when I was little, I use to hear kids talk about how their parents are divorced.
I always said to kids, I’m lucky I have two parents.
But what kids didn’t know is that there was screaming and yelling.
Kids and teachers didn’t know how unhappy I was growing up because of my parents.
I was unhappy about a lot of things, I shouldn’t say I was unhappy solely because of my parents and how their relationship was.
I have never had a good example to lead me into the right direction, I never had a couple I could look up to and say I want to be like that when I grow up.
The relationships I have had fail because of one thing or another.
Every kid needs a good relationship, a good example to look up to.
I can’t say I have one and that might be why everything seems to crumble and fail.

Mirrors scattered along the land I see my full reflection in the mirror.
I walk further and deeper into the dark the glass starts shattering.
I no longer can see my full reflection.
I walk a different way, I’m still in the dark.
I start running, the mirrors don’t look the same anymore.
I fall down, tears come out of my eyes, I lay down on the broken glass.
I wish I could see my reflection, I want to remember how I looked.
I want to remember who I was before the dark took over.

Pretty girl, you are going to be 16 soon.
Imagine being gathered with family and celebrating your birthday, it’s hard to imagine it hasn’t happened in years.
Imagine a big birthday cake, saying Happy 16th Birthday Stephanie.
I don’t remember the last time I had a birthday cake, I don’t remember the last time I blew candles out and made a wish.
Unfortunately, this will the reality of your 16th Birthday, sitting alone in your room and feeling like cutting deep.
I will cut deep and then hide my cuts with a long sleeve shirt.
I feel like cutting today and not waiting for my birthday.

I told him I’m on day 11 of not self-harming.
He seemed like he didn’t care, I’m sorry I told you.
I thought you would be interested in knowing since you said you loved me.
He agreed with me when I said it doesn’t matter how many days I have stopped I will always be a cutter.
He said yep, he agreed.
So, if I will always be labeled as a cutter and the world will continue to see me that way, why shouldn’t I continue slicing up my arms and wrists and be what people will always see me as.
Recovery is challenging I should know, why waste all that time when I could be feeling high.
Why stop my unhealthy habit if I love it?
Why stop if you will see me as a cutter for the rest of my life any way?