Her hands are breaking;
She sits at the piano bench waiting for her hands to be ok so she can play.
Her daddy broke her hands she’s so sad. Her daddy came home drunk she was excited to see him at first,
she sat at her piano that her mama bought her for her birthday when she was eight.
  She started to play for her dad but he got mad, so he threw her into the wall and broke her hands.
He was drunk again,
her mama wasn’t home she was out selling drugs to get some money.
She told her mama to sell the piano so she wouldn’t have to sell drugs for a while. But her mama didn’t sell it,
her daddy left and her mama died when she was 18.
The girl got her own place she brought her piano with her. She was able to play again because her hands healed.
She goes into her own world and forgets about her mama selling drugs. She continues to play the piano; she forgets about her daddy. The piano is the girls drug, her addiction, her medication

I started writing again a year ago for the first time since I was 8.
I started again in the hope that it would help me stop self-harming.
A healthy way to get my anger out, but for the first time in four months I self-harmed tonight.
I have cuts on my wrist, I have scars there from previous times.
I will have to start recovery again, I thought 4 months ago was my last time.
I’m not angry with myself, I have relapsed a lot.  
4 months is my new record; I should be proud of that.
I’m sorry Alexis that you know I self-harm, I’m sorry you will see new cuts again.
I’m sorry Josh, you had been amazing towards me since you found out I self-harmed.
I’m sorry I relapsed again Josh, you told me to pray to God, instead I wrote poems.
I’m sorry grandma, I know your worried about me.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
At least, that’s what she thinks.

She’s more confident when scars are hiding on her body.
Until she looks in a mirror
And realizes what she has done to herself.

She hates herself when she looks in the mirror.
Until that feeling goes away
When someone says, something mean, without knowing her story
That’s when self-hatred comes out and captures her mind.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
All her issues are better when expressed on her skin.
  Crashing back when the high of self-harming is gone.
And it ends up causing her more pain, then she had before.

She likes the world more when she has self-harmed.
It’s filled with so much good
Until something sets her off and feels the need to self-harm again
And she hates it all more than she should once again.

Her mind feels calm, when she self-harms.
Terrified of losing that feeling
She soon wants to self-harm again.

But she can stop any time she wants
She has herself trying to believe this.
Because self-harm takes the pain away.
That is, until all her friends leave.
Because her life revolves around the next time she self-harms again.

Shards of sadness filled my life,
Piece by piece it filled my heart until there was nothing but sadness,
Sadness has taken over, there is no helping me now.

I’m sick, head hurts, ears hurt. My mouth is sour.
It hurts when I swallow.
I can’t eat much.
I am so lucky it’s also the time of the month.
My family has been sick lately and I have been taking care of them.
It was bound to happen, me being sick.
It's ok though gives me an excuse to sleep.

The silence woke her.
She become aware of everything.
Suddenly the world had become quiet.
She could see the people running around.
But she became oblivious to what people said.
Everyone became unfamiliar with her voice.
Because everyone was tired of trying to speak to her when she seemed like she wasn't listening.
But she was, she didn't know what to say though because everything was falling apart.

It’s quiet outside this morning.
Fog fills the air; I’m walking down the sidewalk.
The trees are a beautiful color, green, brown, and red leaves fill the street.
The wind is blowing and for now everything is calm. But the calmness won’t last it never does.
I don’t see anyone, I’m glad that way I don’t have to smile or talk to anyone.
My mind is cluttered full of thoughts; I don’t know what to think or say.

I am a girl who hides behind a smile.
Everyone who looks at me in one glance could think that I am happy. I have everything that I could dream of.
Their mistaken, they should look at me more closely.
People should look at my long sleeves on a hot day, they should know something is wrong.
I don’t like eating in front of people because they stare.
If everyone took a little more time to notice someone, or smile at a person maybe the world wouldn’t be so sad. Maybe I wouldn’t be sad.

September 10th.
This date never use to be important to me.
Until 5 years ago, tomorrow is Suicide Prevention Day.
Suicide, what an interesting word.
I’m sorry to say, my dad lost his best-friend to suicide.
Suicide, took his life.
My dad still thinks about him.
My dad’s friend had a mother.
His mother is still alive; she still misses her son.
She has pictures of him everywhere.
I’m sorry to everyone who has lost someone to suicide.

I sat in my chair, it was a brown, cream peachy color.
I put my feet up and snuggled under my blanket, I loved this blanket.
The blanket was so big, it had big blue and pink flowers on it.
I had a table next to my chair, my book was on there that I was currently reading.
I looked out my window and closed my eyes, I could see orange and yellow colors when I did.
The sun was out, it was beautiful and warm, I felt safe.
I kept my eyes closed and relaxed, I thought about my life.

I’m lost in a million different worlds, I’m tangled and weaved into lives that aren’t mine.
At night I slowly fall into my  world hoping someone will comfort me tonight.
I lie and say I’m fine when I really want to scream.
I see you, I want to reach out and touch your face.
I see you every night. I want you to comfort me but you never do, you never did. Why don’t you?
I think I’m going crazy; I don’t want to see you anymore in my world.
Leave me alone! I hate you.

I need someone to hold my hand.
I need to feel the warmth of the skin.
I need you to understand I might be sad even when you do this.
Don't be alarmed if I suddenly break out into tears.
It's not you, I'm glad your here holding my hand.
Sometimes though even when I know someone is here for me.
I still feel the need to cry.
Because I feel things, and I see things, and life happens and it's hard at times.
So, don't run away when my eyes become filled with tears.
Because if you weren't here, holding my hand, it might be worse.

Hey, I thought I would write something for all my followers.
I would like to start off by thanking Word Freak.
Word Freak was my first ever follower, he is the one who told me about this site.
Thank you to cgembry, the first person to like my work.
Thank you, Teresa Alaska the first person to comment on my work.
Thank you, Anna-Maria Rose Newell, you have given me a lot of inspiration.
Thank you, Walter W. H., David Hewitt, and Enslaved King you also have given me inspiration.
Thank you, Joellei for always being here when I need someone to talk to!
Thank you, Flames for a martyr, Toxic moon and Vicki.
Thank you, Woody, Stephen, and Keith Wilson.
Thank you, Bleeding Diamonds you make me smile and laugh.
Thank you, Jennifer DeAngelo for writing a poem about me.
Thank you, Eebi Jonson the first person I collaborated with.
Thank you, Kristy Renae Dalton.
Thank you,  John Stevens for raising your two beautiful grandchildren, I can tell they really love you.
Thank you, so much John Stevens for reading my work and giving me endless amounts of support.
Thank you to John Stevens wife also.
Thank you to all my followers each and every one of you are special to me.

The glass house sits there waiting to be shattered,
the people inside are the ones who will shatter it with their words and actions.
The people inside yell and everyone knows even though they try to hide it.
The girl inside is scared her parents are going to get a divorce. She hides and tries to not listen to the fighting.
She’s tired of having to keep going back there.
The other lady inside hates her she has told the girl.
It seems so hopeless but the girl still tries to make everything alright.
But she needs help herself but she will never ask the people in the house for it.
The glass house keeps shattering because of the mean words and the girl tries to rebuild it.
She wants to get out of there and she can but she is still afraid of what lies ahead. The girl is afraid she will fail.
Even when she leaves the broken glass house to spend time with the rest of the family she pushes them away she doesn’t want them to get hurt trying to pick up the shattered pieces of her life because she is hurt herself by trying to fix things.
What is the girl supposed to do?
She needs help can’t the people inside the house see that?
Don’t they care?
But in the end it doesn’t matter because it shatters slowly and then it breaks all at once
and the girl can’t do anything anymore she can’t fix the house, she could never fix it. The house was already breaking she didn’t see that though.

Dreams pass
Lives change.
The world keeps going.
People fall.
People pass.
The world keeps going.
People struggle.
People rush by without saying hi.
The world keeps going.
When will it change?

Today is the day...
Today is the day that I forget about you.
Today is the day when I let go of the pain you inflicted on me.
Today is the day when I let my scars heal.

Today is the day when I stop numbing the pain.
Today is the day when I face the mistakes I made.
Today is the day when I become who you wanted me to be.
Today is the day to change.
Is it ok if I'm no longer the nice girl?
Is it ok if I don't let you step on me?
Today is the day when I let your memory invade my mind.
I'm sorry I ran away for so long.
I didn't want my demons to catch me.
For a while, I felt nothing.
But then you came along and made me feel again, you left, I shut down.
Today is the day when I start feeling again.
Because I am figuring out that I do not need you, I can feel and still be stable

I became what you wanted me to be.
Feeling faithless, God is not here.
Lost in this darkness.
I'm still drowning.
What did you expect to happen when you did those things?
That everything would be ok.
That it wouldn't affect me, or were you hoping I evolved into the image you created for me.
Because I was becoming the person, you wanted.
A part of me still resisting, enough of me changed though.
Enough of me changed, and I started believing your ways.
You are gone, now who am I?

I remember the night we met.
I remember I use to keep you up all night and we use to sleep during the day.
I remember the first time we talked on the phone, you said my voice reminded you of Minnie Mouse.
I remember the first time I heard you laugh, your laugh reminds me of John Candy.
You said, I love you first.
I remember when I gave you an ultimatum.
You left for 2 weeks, no messages, no texts, no phone calls or emails.
I didn’t think you would come back but you did.
I said sorry and you forgave me.
I love you, I know I can be stubborn sometimes.
I know I don’t always think before I say things.
You make me laugh and giggle so hard sometimes you make my cheeks hurt.
You are my oxygen, I know that’s dangerous if you are my air supply, what if you decide to leave again?
Will I be able to breath?

I sit in the shower and cry; you don’t know how much I want to die.

Sometimes I feel so blind towards this world, can you be my eyes? Can you help me see?
Can you be my prince? help me fight my demons inside of me please.
Please continue being a poet though, I love when you write things for me.
Am I asking you to be too much? I’m sorry.
I can be anything you want me to be.
A poet, a girl, what do you want me to be? Tell me please.
Because being myself doesn’t ever seem to be enough.
It doesn't ever seem to be enough, because I don't like who I am.

Little girls and little boys bundled up in promises and loving hearts.
Teenagers struggling to survive.
Suicide is the killer; teens think that’s the best way.
I can’t really speak for all teens though.
I wasn’t bundled up in promises that were going to be kept.
I had a loving heart but it is broken now.
Suicide isn’t my killer, although it might have been.

I imagine myself in a meadow sitting in beautiful purple and yellow flowers.
I see a river flowing and I see the tress swaying from the wind.
I look outside my bedroom window again my beautiful meadow is gone.
This time I see, houses and kids playing in the street.
I see cars pulling out of driveways.
When will I see my beautiful meadow again and drift off into my imaginary world?

Rain falling, it's really pouring.
People fighting inside the house.
I'm tired I didn't get much sleep, I'm surprised the rain usually makes me sleep.

I’m so tired I had nightmares that keep my eyes awake.
I’m Depressed I don’t feel.
I have an Eating Disorder.
No one can keep me from shaking and crying. Please help me.
Don’t you understand I feel fat already, you don’t have to tell me that I am.
Don’t you see that I’m not happy anymore, why don’t you help me?
Don’t you see my scars, do you even care?

Look at me, my skin has dealt with a lot.
Scars and bruises fill my body.
My body is fragile, it breaks and bruises easily, that doesn’t stop you from hitting me.
Scars are on my wrist; it doesn’t stop me from cutting though.

I don’t have to carry my whole life with me anymore but I do.
Pieces chip off and I forget the little things.
But I still remember you, I always will.
I love you, you helped me through school
You helped me when things weren’t going well with my mom and me.
You meant the world to me, so why did you leave?

I saw a group of girls tonight, they were thin, of course beautiful.
I was anxious and scared, I didn’t know what to do.
Plan A, run away fast so they don’t have time to see you at all.
Plan B, keep your head down and walk past them.
I have heard people laugh when I walked by.
I have had people whisper and look at me before.
I have had a girl say your fat right in my face.
I didn’t want to judge these girls; I didn’t know them.
If I walked by, they could laugh or make jokes about me.  
But I walked by them with my head held high, they said nothing, they didn’t laugh.
I think one girl even smiled at me.

Mirrors scattered along the land I see my full reflection in the mirror.
I walk further and deeper into the dark the glass starts shattering.
I no longer can see my full reflection.
I walk a different way, I’m still in the dark.
I start running, the mirrors don’t look the same anymore.
I fall down, tears come out of my eyes, I lay down on the broken glass.
I wish I could see my reflection, I want to remember how I looked.
I want to remember who I was before the dark took over.

I have the table arranged perfectly, with two lit candles.
I’m wearing a long beautiful blue dress, it’s his favorite color.
The dinner is ready, I decide to sit at the table and wait.
I wait for hours; the food is cold.
He isn’t coming home, it’s just me at this table.
I knew he wouldn’t, he’s been dead for 3 years.
It’s my birthday though, we always had dinner together on my birthday.
I miss him.

Country music reminds me of you.
I remember our first date; it was in the back of your truck bed watching the stars.
You said you would take me away from everything.
We knew each other since I was 8.
You are my best friend.
You were my first kiss.

I want to be normal
I want to feel like I mean something to someone.
I don’t want to be floating around from house to house.
I'm sorry we can't get along.
I’m sorry I don’t love you anymore.
I wish things could have worked out, I tried with you.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Things will never be the same.

I loved drinking water on an empty stomach I waited for the water to slip down my throat.
I'm empty,
I’m cold, in a warm room.
I’m fat.
I want food, no you don’t need it. I love not eating.
78 calories 1 large egg.
95 calories 1 medium apple.
45 calories 1 small orange.
Eat it, throw it all up after.

Butterflies fly away, so will I someday when I get enough strength.

I texted my mom, I said goodnight.
I took a shower, I thought I would check my phone after that.
I could barely stand in the shower.
I am dizzy, my baby cousin ate more food tonight than I did these past 3 days.
I weighed myself I lost 9 pounds.
I thought of the reasons I was starving myself.
I checked my phone, my mom said night.
I was hoping she would say I love you Steph.

I have my favorite cd’s on, with my snacks on my bed.
I am searching the internet for poetry that gives me chills.
I’m waiting until I’m tired so I can sleep and maybe even dream.
I hope I can dream about beautiful things.
I wish you were here laying in my bed, I wish we could snuggle.
I wish you could put your arm around me.
I want to wake up with you in my bed.
I miss you.

A new life was born, it’s a girl.
Her birth mom kept her for 5 months of her life.
She decided to give her up for adoption.
The girl was adopted by this family.
Her dad held her and said you will never be alone again.
She was loved for now, but things changed.
Her mom was on and off her medication most of her life.
The girl spent most of her time with her aunt and grandma.
The girl met her birth family things didn’t work out, she was sad.
The girl stated cutting and she stopped eating.
She wrote her birth family letters so if they ever met again it would feel like they didn’t miss anything.
She is struggling with the loss still, the first few years were hard.

I like singing in the shower, can you hear me?
I will sing to you if you want.
Maybe after we can lay in my bed, I want to know about you.
Tell me all of your hopes and dreams.
Tell me your favorite color, mines green.
How many girls hearts have you broken?
The hours pass and I feel like I have known you for years.

Even though I can't help you all, I know God will.
He has been there for me when I needed Him the most.
His love will fix your broken spirit; it takes time I know.
You might be waiting a long time before He steps in and helps.
You may wander and fall, but God is there.
Reach out for Him, feel His love and warmth.
He is there I promise, He is there for everyone.
Sick, old, young, blind, deaf. it doesn't matter, He is there for you.
He loves you.

Suicide, my killer.
Anorexia, my friend.
Razors and knifes, a tool to cut my wrist.
Pens, they smear, I hate them. Paper, once you write on paper it’s official.
I have things holding me down, life is depressing.
Yes, I smile and laugh, it never lasts.
I’m sorry grandma.
I’m sorry mom.
Apologizes are forgiven, but it happens over and over and they say sorry. You keep forgiving.
I’m tired of living, it’s hard.

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten, I broke my rule.
I shouldn’t have eaten; it was so good though.
The way the food felt while it was going down my throat, it felt amazing.
After I eat one thing I need to eat more, I can’t control myself after I eat one thing.
If I binge I could throw up after, that’s an option.
I haven’t binged yet, 1 sandwich and a smoothie earlier this morning.
Since I had the smoothie, food has been on my mind.
I wanted to be good, I didn’t want to eat like a pig.
I will have to punish myself tomorrow, no food for the fat girl.

The girls flesh got picked off day by day, she was tired.
She wanted things to end, but she kept going because someone told her good things were ahead.

Throw a coin in the wishing well, close your eyes and wish for something.
I think of a million things I want.
I think of things I need.
I wish for my birth family to be in my life again.
I know I didn’t wish for candy
I didn’t wish for a guy to come back in my life.
I didn’t wish for world peace.
If you had the chance what would you wish for?

Girl and Girl.
Boy and Boy.
Girl and Boy.
Who cares, who people love.
As long as your happy.
I broke my family apart with the person I chose to love.
No one thought it was a good idea.
My grandma thought it was gross.
My mom swore she would love me no matter who I choose, she lied.
As long as your happy, my mom said she would be happy.
I was happy, I was happy with my choice.
People thought it was a faze, that I really couldn’t be happy with my choice.
The name calling started.
I got punished for my choice.

The sun is beating down on his face; he is an older man.
He is sitting on a park bench; he is feeding birds bread.
A girl comes walking up to the older man, she seems happy to see him.
The girl is crying tears of joy it seems.
The older man hugs the girl, they sit down on the bench.
The girl hands him a box, a box full of letters she wrote to him over the years.
The man slowly reads each one, sometimes smiling and laughing at what he reads.
He begins to read more, the man starts crying.
He is reading about her issue with her weight and food.
He reads about her self-harm.
The man slowly looks at the girl, he says I'm sorry honey.
I'm sorry I couldn't of been there for you, but I'm here now.

She is being pulled and pushed around.
She is being dragged around.
She hates this world; she has no freedom.
She always dreamed of getting out of this place at 18.
Wishes in her  heart usually never came true.
Getting use to the world was a struggle.
So innocent at one time.
She is labeled as depressed, suicidal, and a self-harmer.
Liar is her new name.
Life rejected her, she really rejected the world because she is scared.

I told him I’m on day 11 of not self-harming.
He seemed like he didn’t care, I’m sorry I told you.
I thought you would be interested in knowing since you said you loved me.
He agreed with me when I said it doesn’t matter how many days I have stopped I will always be a cutter.
He said yep, he agreed.
So, if I will always be labeled as a cutter and the world will continue to see me that way, why shouldn’t I continue slicing up my arms and wrists and be what people will always see me as.
Recovery is challenging I should know, why waste all that time when I could be feeling high.
Why stop my unhealthy habit if I love it?
Why stop if you will see me as a cutter for the rest of my life any way?

Mama please don’t hurt me anymore.
I remember when you hit me with a remote, it ******* up my hand for weeks.
You said I wasn’t worth your money.
You told me he didn’t love me, you made me believe he stopped caring, I believed you.
I measured my wrists and made sure I didn’t gain weight.
Fat, *****, gross, smelly, pig. Those are the words you called me.
You say sorry, you aren’t though.
You say I hate you, yeah in a way I do.
But you hate me too.

The day is done, I’m tired.
I stayed up until 12, I do every night now.
I count down the hours until I can say I made it another day.
I made it another day it’s 12 o clock.
No cuts on my wrist.
I made it another day and I owe it all to you.
I love you, you have made life so bright, so special.
Even though we have not known each other long, I know I want to be with you for as long as I live.
I want to be able to snuggle with you someday.
Once I’m finally there with you, I want to whisper in your ear and say how much you truly mean to me.
Bad days and fights will come our way, we will figure it out though, I promise.
Good night, I love you.
We both made it another day.

The houses line the street, some big and some small.
Beautiful big trees are in every yard, orange and brown leaves falling off of them.
Kids are playing, a little girl is playing with chalk in her driveway.
Another child is learning to ride her bike on the sidewalk, her dad is so proud of her.
I see this girl, she is sitting in her front yard in the grass, she is beautiful.
She is wearing black jeans with a black long sleeve shirt on.
She has a book next to her.
Her eyes look sad, I wonder why?