Can I call you daddy would that be ok?
See I was told you were my biological dad my whole life.
Until my biological mom said otherwise.
I asked for a DNA test, you said yes I would love to do that.
But when I really pushed your promise of doing a DNA test you said no.
Can I still call you daddy? Is that what you are?
I miss you so much.
I know why you declined the DNA test, you were dating this woman named Theresa.
If I was your daughter, that means you were cheating on Theresa.
It’s a confusing tale I know.
All I want to know is are you my daddy? I need to know.

Your willing to wait for me, you told me you would come here.
I’m worried that you and I won’t be together forever.
I’m afraid I will push you away.
I’m sorry if I do, I want us to be together forever.
Someone once told me how hard it was to sleep alone, I never truly understood how hard it truly was until I meet you.
I wish you were here.
I love you, someday I promise I will be there and then things will be ok.
Things will be ok for me, I will have you around and I will be out of my parents’ home.
I won’t have the pain and burden of being around my family.
I will try to make things ok between us, I know it won’t be perfect forever.
We will have our problems.

I started writing again a year ago for the first time since I was 8.
I started again in the hope that it would help me stop self-harming.
A healthy way to get my anger out, but for the first time in four months I self-harmed tonight.
I have cuts on my wrist, I have scars there from previous times.
I will have to start recovery again, I thought 4 months ago was my last time.
I’m not angry with myself, I have relapsed a lot.  
4 months is my new record; I should be proud of that.
I’m sorry Alexis that you know I self-harm, I’m sorry you will see new cuts again.
I’m sorry Josh, you had been amazing towards me since you found out I self-harmed.
I’m sorry I relapsed again Josh, you told me to pray to God, instead I wrote poems.
I’m sorry grandma, I know your worried about me.

I woke up this morning, the sun greeting me happily.
I rubbed my eyes and for some reason I started thinking about you.
I started thinking about you, I’m worried I can’t remember what you use to call me.
Am I forgetting finally? Is it over, will I no longer be tortured by your memory?

I want to be normal
I want to feel like I mean something to someone.
I don’t want to be floating around from house to house.
I'm sorry we can't get along.
I’m sorry I don’t love you anymore.
I wish things could have worked out, I tried with you.
I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Things will never be the same.

Sometimes I feel so blind towards this world, can you be my eyes? Can you help me see?
Can you be my prince? help me fight my demons inside of me please.
Please continue being a poet though, I love when you write things for me.
Am I asking you to be too much? I’m sorry.
I can be anything you want me to be.
A poet, a girl, what do you want me to be? Tell me please.
Because being myself doesn’t ever seem to be enough.
It doesn't ever seem to be enough, because I don't like who I am.

Overgrown grass filled the yard and wild flowers filled the yard also.
This girl was sitting on this swing looking out into this field, she was watching the sunset.
Purple, yellow and orange filled the sky, slowly the sun was going down.
This boy was next to her; he was sitting silently watching her.
He didn’t care about the beautiful sunset or the overgrown grass.
He wasn’t paying attention to the birds singing.
He was looking at her.
After the sun was completely down and it was dark.
The boy invited the girl to sit with him in the grass.
He pointed up to the sky, he said look at the stars.
She was smiling, she looked at the boy.
They were looking at each other, silently staring at each other’s eyes.
It felt like a lifetime had passed before the boy leaned over and said something.
He said I love you, the girl started crying a bit.
Tears of joy and said to the boy, I love you too.
She started kissing him, she was really happy.
He said we will be together forever, I promise.
So they lay in the grass and watch the stars the rest of the night, not saying much. They were enjoying the night.
The girl hoped they really would be together forever, she couldn’t imagine herself with anyone else.
The girl finally fell asleep; she didn’t cry herself to sleep or wonder if she would make it through the night.
She wasn’t afraid, she felt safe with him there.
He was right, they were together forever, she was happy about that.
She was happy that she found her soul mate.

Nothing will change, it will never change it will all be the same.
That’s why I want to get away.
She will never get help, I’m stupid to think she would.
I was hoping she would, I wanted things to work.
While I was waiting for things to change, I hung onto things from the past trying to remember when things were ok.
Was it ever ok?
I don’t remember it ever being ok, not once, not ever. Not even a little.
I’m tired of everything, I want everything to end.
You said talk things out maybe you won’t self-harm that way, I did try to talk to someone.
I’m numb.

Razors pain you, little cuts here and there.
You feel a sting in the shower, it hurts you knew it was going to happen, it always hurts after you cut.
But right after you feel a little relief, the high never lasts long enough.
I drag the blade across my skin again, hoping to get enough courage to press down.

Children cry and sometimes get lost.
Bumps, bruises, scars, and sickness.
If your lucky parents are there to kiss you.
Dreams and Innocence.
Disney Princess.
Dolls.
No worry in the world.
Playing Barbie’s on the porch.
Riding bikes in the street.
Life is good.
Then you get older and things get hard, sometimes if your lucky things are still ok.
That wasn’t the case for me.

I stared at myself in the mirror, I look like ****.
I didn’t sleep, nightmares took over last night.
It was horrible, I was shooting someone.
I was shooting someone I knew.
It’s very disturbing, I’m sorry if I’m not myself today.

Butterflies fly away, so will I someday when I get enough strength.

She was hanging there by a rope; she is a corpse.
She had a beautiful blue dress on and her hair was done, she wanted to look nice.
She is hanging by her window she was hoping someone would see her,
That’s all she ever wanted is for someone to see her, she felt invisible.
She thought about death, she never thought she would do it though.
She wrote a note, explaining why she killed herself, explaining why she had scars on her wrist.
Because everyone thought she was fine, no one knew she self- harmed on her wrist.
I’m sorry I had to do this, please forgive me. No one would find her, no one would care.

I wanted to keep sleeping this morning.
I was thinking of things to convince myself to get out of bed.
Finally I got up, I rubbed my eyes.
The beautiful bright sun was shinning through my windows.
I love the sun, it's warm.
I checked my emails and I messaged a few people.
I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.
I didn't look long, bad thoughts would start flooding my brain.
I would think I'm fat and ugly.
I made some tea, cinnamon and apple was the flavor.
My dad was already up, I said hi.
I asked if there were any eggs, he said no.
But he offered me cereal, I really was trying not to have a bad day with food.
So I ate something, nothing much but I ate.
I'm going to start my day now.

Please wake me up, tell me I’m alive.
I feel numb sometimes it’s hard to open up to people nowadays.
I need help, say something to me and then maybe I will believe in this world again.

I feel like I’m dying each day.
I feel like I’m suffocating, no one is there to help me breath.
Sometimes I feel so bad.
It’s an overwhelming feeling.
Do you see me?
Have I become invisible?

The day is done, I’m tired.
I stayed up until 12, I do every night now.
I count down the hours until I can say I made it another day.
I made it another day it’s 12 o clock.
No cuts on my wrist.
I made it another day and I owe it all to you.
I love you, you have made life so bright, so special.
Even though we have not known each other long, I know I want to be with you for as long as I live.
I want to be able to snuggle with you someday.
Once I’m finally there with you, I want to whisper in your ear and say how much you truly mean to me.
Bad days and fights will come our way, we will figure it out though, I promise.
Good night, I love you.
We both made it another day.

The past, one thing we can never change.
The future, we look back on the past, looking at things that have happened hoping things get better.
We cannot change the past, we want to though.
We wish this never happened.
We wish our loved one hadn’t died.
People say it’s the past move on, it’s not that easy.
Walk around with my pain and anxiety from losing my birth family.
Then tell me, it’s in the past.
Have your mom scream at you and call you awful names, try to forgive her, remember what you said it’s in the past move on.
I try to move on, I try to forgive and love.
I try to not think of the past, it haunts me though.

She came home from school, she had to deal with bullies all day long.
She came home to her mom yelling, her mother was off her medications again.
Daddy was trying to calm my mother down, while saying hello to me when I walked in the door, I guess he didn't want her to feel left out.
In this situation she wouldn't mind if he didn't say hello, she wouldn't mind feeling invisible.
She goes to her room and gets a box off her shelf, It's full or razors.
She picks one out and walks out of her room, to the bathroom.
She looks in the mirror, she feels disgusted by what she sees.
She put headphones on and blasts the music high, she locks the bathroom door.
She climbs into the bathtub and starts cutting her wrists open.
One, two, three, four, five times she has cut.
Blood runs out, she lays in the bathtub.
She can't stop, she hits a vein, she screams it's all over.
She is a corpse in the bathtub of her parents home.

I wrote a poem on my wrist, I used a razor as a pen.
I know I will die someday of me hitting a vein when I self-harm.
When I leave this world would you miss me?

The poem that once had a title, is now nameless.
It will be forgotten, no one will remember it now.
It no longer has an identity, it’s my fault.
I’m sorry.

It's hard to hear your name.
It's hard to talk about you, when I know nothing about who you really are.
I want to believe that you are different.
I want to believe that you can show others who you truly are.
Because I only saw the part that wanted nothing good for me.
Do you care?
Do you miss me?
Do you ever hear my name?
Does the memory of me ever keep you up at night?
Do you ever want to cry, because of what you did?
Why won’t you admit it?

Her lips were stitched shut, she could not speak.
She couldn’t tell people she was hurting inside, no one would listen to her.
She couldn’t tell anyone she stopped eating, she hoped someone would realize.
She hid her scars, sometimes people saw them and stared, but they couldn’t do anything could they?
I wonder how long it would take for someone to know she was missing from the world.

Haven’t you ever seen a knife before?
She slowly pushed it closer to me.
''Yes, I have seen one once before''
I think in my head of all the times I had picked up this knife, at night, in the afternoon and in the morning when I felt alone.
She pushed it closer once more.
Tempting me, she knew I was trying to stay away from this knife.
She, isn't even a person, she is apart of me.
A small part of me, trying to push me into the habit again.
I'm fighting it, I always will.

She called me Honey Bee, that was my nickname.
If I could hear her call me that one more time I would be happy.
If I could touch her beautiful hair one more time, I would be happy.
If I could tell her I’m sorry and say I love her, I would be happy.
If I could tell her how much she means to me, I would be happy.

She couldn’t be fixed completely; she was full of broken pieces.
Broken pieces will always be a part of her.
No matter how hard he tried and no matter how much effort he put into her, she would always remain the same.
She would smile and laugh with him.
She was very happy, but she would always be broken.

I’m lost in a million different worlds, I’m tangled and weaved into lives that aren’t mine.
At night I slowly fall into my  world hoping someone will comfort me tonight.
I lie and say I’m fine when I really want to scream.
I see you, I want to reach out and touch your face.
I see you every night. I want you to comfort me but you never do, you never did. Why don’t you?
I think I’m going crazy; I don’t want to see you anymore in my world.
Leave me alone! I hate you.

When I close my eyes at night, I see you.
I dream about you sometimes.
I love you, you are my angel.
Your wings are white with a hint of black.
You are my fallen angel.
You were once so full of life.
Always had a smile, where did it go?
I'm sorry, I know you want to be who you use to be.

It hurts to smile, I’m tired.
I want to die today, what’s new.
I’m sorry I’m not happy again mom.
I want to be your little girl again, even then I wasn’t happy though.
I try to hurt myself on the outside, to **** my demons in the inside.
I hadn't realized I would still be addicted to harming the outside of my body after 3 years.
I want everything to be ok, it never has been though and it never will be.
I have lost hope.

He yelled, a little louder each time.
He was yelling my name.
He was yelling and my world came crashing down.

What are you going to say at my funeral now that I have died?
Here lays the body of a girl, a friend, a person who had dreams. A person who wanted to do many things.
She is no was beautiful, she never thought she was beautiful. She was insecure and unhappy, she was serious and depressed.
She didn’t like her body, the way the fat held on and never let go. She hated the way she smiled when everyone else complimented her on it.
Here lays the girl that never got a chance to live she was only 15 years old. Her 16th birthday was in November, but she felt that she had been here too long.
Here lays the girl who will never read another book or ever get married. She will never have kids; she will never be able to make the same mistakes her parents did.
She is dead and it’s all over, the pain, sadness, and depression. Her demons will no longer torment her.

Put the key in the ignition, check your mirror and adjust your seat.
You’re ready to drive right?
Turns the radio on and switches the channel to rock and roll.
Rolls down the windows, I’m ready to drive.
I  pull out of the driveway, I said I’ll see you later to my parents I told them I loved them.
Ding, Ding, Ding what is that sound?
Is it a new message on my phone?
A sound outside maybe?
It’s the alarm telling me I don’t have a seat belt on, it doesn’t matter nothing will happen.
I said goodbye to everyone, no one will miss me if something does happen.
My brother is in the car though,
I crash my car it’s over.
I yell and scream help my brother.
Blood is dripping down; the windows are smashed.
He’s dead, my brother is dead.
I should have told him to wear his seat belt. I was his big sister; I was responsible for him.
I'm sorry.

Never find fault in yourself, you were created in perfection. In the image of God.
Never be normal, be different. That makes you special. It makes you who you are.
Never hide in the shadows, shine in the light that is waiting for you.
You may be in darkness, but you are not alone. There are those who are walking beside you. You can feel their presence, their aura.
Close your eyes and concentrate on the love our aura gives. Feel yourself drawn to warmth of hugs and close embraces. Feel the hands holding you. Fall into us. Find comfort and peace. Then put the knife down and sleep in our embrace.

Is it alright if I say, I love you?
Because I really need you to know how I feel tonight before it’s too late.

You hurt my heart, I will forever have a scar.
This scar that you have inflicted on me will never go away.
I have to many scars, I remember where each one came from.
I will never recover from you hurting me.

One time is all it took for me to believe that you truly hated me.
One time is all it took for my hand to hurt, you kept hitting me though.
One time you left me in a parking lot and hid your car so I couldn’t see you, I was scared every time I went into the store from then on, you said it was funny.
One time I self-harmed in my bedroom, it became an addiction after that.
One time I stole something from my cousin and I kept stealing, I needed your attention.
You wouldn’t listen to me; you wouldn’t hold me.
The words I love you wasn’t said much.
I love you, do you hear me?
I don’t hate you.
Things need to change though.
I can’t keep living in fear, I can’t see grandma cry because of what you said to me.
Grandma blames herself, she thinks it’s her fault.
I need you, I need my mom.

Unzip me now, take away all the layers do you see it? My heart is underneath. Please look at it for me, touch my heart see if it’s still alive. Love my heart it won’t be broken that way, I need you.
My heart is broken from your lies
My heart is broken because of your broken promises
My heart is broken because you keep pushing me down, don’t say you hate me maybe my heart will be fixed.
My heart is broken do you see it? Unzip my skin further take away more layers.
Do you see it now?
My heart is broken I can’t stand the pain.
Look at what you did it’s all your fault.
Daddy tried so hard to keep you together he lied and said you didn’t mean it when you called me a *****.
My heart is broken and you won’t be the one to fix it, I know that.

Can you teach me how to fly?
I have fallen so many times.
Don’t be scared to help me.
I’m broken inside, believe you will be fine.
I won’t let you touch the broken pieces of my life, I don’t want you cut.
Please help me fly.
Please don’t be scared of me.

I’m tired, I wish I could sleep more.
I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror.
I practiced my fake smile, I might need it today.
Black clothes are my favorite, I put a black band t-shirt on.
I put my hair up, I look in the mirror again.
I see a broken hearted girl with parents who don’t love her.
I want to die; I don’t want to fight or struggle anymore.
I wanted to get away from my parents, I still do.
I don’t want to keep moving around.
I feel like a piece of furniture that people buy and then later sell.
My birth-family didn’t want me, my adoptive parents don’t want me do they?

Don’t give up, fight.
You are strong, believe me you are.
Don’t give up, you have friends and family.
Someone loves you, I promise.
Don’t give up, you still have me.
You are beautiful.
There is a place for you here on this beautiful, confusing world I swear.

It's like the words of my mother haunt me, it haunts me in my sleep and in the day.
When she is my mother and she seems to care, it is easier to keep going. You live for the moments when things seem ok.

Little girl I know you have had a hard life.
You say you’re sorry and you shy away from the world.
Little girl I know you were abused.
I know your birth family didn’t want you.
Little girl I know you tried to make things work with your mother.
Little girl I know you love your grandma more than yourself.
Little girl I know you were bullied in school.
Little girl you aren’t so little anymore.
You are a teenager now.
I know suicide consumed your thoughts when you turned 12.
I know the voices in your head became louder, when you didn’t have anyone to talk to.
I know knifes and razors became your friend at age 13.
I know you were still abused and you wanted to get out of your parents’ home.
I know you wanted someone to listen to you.
I know how hard your life is, because I’m you.

My mother bought me new sheets and a comforter.
I didn’t ask her to get me new sheets or a new comforter.
It’s nice, I love the color.
It's a beautiful blue comforter, it's very warm.
She said she will paint my walls a different color, my walls have been the same way for 10 years.
10 years, it has been orange and yellow walls with hand painted flowers on the wall.
I’m grateful of course, It’s nice to know she is thinking about me.
She seemed even a little excited, I guess she needs a new art project so she decides to finally paint my walls.
I hope she really does it, it seems like it will be a nice change.
Thank you mom.

Sometimes when I look into my mom’s eyes, it feels like I don’t know her, it feels like evil has taken over.

He slowly got up and leaned on me for support,
One foot in front of the other he slowly starts walking.
A little trouble but there he goes he’s walking.
A little fall but he gets right back up he’s fine.
He slowly walks to the front door opens it slowly and he walks outside on the porch.
He looks around like he is seeing everything for the first time, He looks at the trees, he hears the birds singing a beautiful song. He see’s kids in the street playing on their bikes.
Then he turns around and looks at me and smiles, I smile back knowing that I helped him walk now he has his freedom again.

Depression.
Depression took over my mom’s life.
Suicide attempt.
Bullied when she was younger.
Made fun of because her mom couldn’t always afford nice clothes.
My mom went to college and became a nurse.
She didn’t see me grow up, she was to worried about her job.
My mom wanted a divorce from my father, the first time I heard them fight about it was when I was 13.
Pills.
No sleep.
Barely eating.
My mother stayed in her bedroom most of the time.
Sometimes she made me breakfast though.
When I was little I use to want to sit at the kitchen table, my mom always said no, she had bad memories from when she was a child at the table.
Be careful what you say, she might get mad.
I love my mother even if she doesn’t always remember she loves me.
She has told me she hates me 3 times, she doesn’t remember saying that.

Hey,
It’s been a while since I wrote a letter to you.
I’m sad right now and this makes me feel closer to you.
I checked your Facebook, it seems like you’re doing ok.
I heard you have a daughter now, she looks beautiful.  
I sent you a message will you answer me please.
I’m sorry I hurt you Jake.
It’s been 5 years since we saw each other last.
You post old pictures of us but you didn’t post any of us this year on your page.
I have to live with my mistake every day of my life, please don’t hate.
I’m sorry I love you, you will always be my big brother.

Open me up look inside. Look at my soul, look on the outside see my skin,
look at the scars I have and you ask where I got them,
I lie and say I fell.
How many times can I use that excuse before you realize what I’m doing?
It’s been 2 years since I started this addiction, I get a high feeling, a release in a way.
I feel so good inside but I feel guilty at the same time, I want to stop please help me.
I don’t know how to tell you what I’m doing.
I don’t want you to be disappointed of me but I know you are already.

I’m the mistake, the failure, the lost cause.
I’m the adopted kid that keeps getting rejected I’m not really yours, you make me feel that way.
It takes a million sorries and I love you to make me believe that you really want me still.
Have you ever wanted me?
I love you don’t you see that?
I’m killing myself trying to make you happy, take your pills now before you say something you will regret, you already said you hated me

Another day passes by, while you watch others live.
All you seem to do is cry; You are broken, you are tired.
Your life is passing by you don’t care anymore.
You would **** yourself if it didn’t hurt your family, you can’t put your mom through more pain though.

I don’t want to miss you today, I wanted today to be a good day.
Missing you drains me, I cry when I think about you.
Why couldn’t things work out?
I’m sorry things couldn’t have been different.
I’m listening to the song that reminds me of you.
I didn’t want to hear this song; I didn’t want to think about you today.