Cold and tired, I’m hungry.
I need sleep it’s 4:32,I have been talking to you all night.
You make everything seem ok.
Text after text, talking about everything.
I want to hear your voice; I have fallen asleep to your voice before.
It’s 1:34 where you are, you need sleep, you’re not a night owl like me.
I love you, I’m going to sleep now.
Sweet dreams.

Everything had to be perfect. I had to have a knife, music and band aids.
I pick up the knife and slowly pull up my sleeve so my wrist can be seen.
I cut my wrist slowly thinking of all the reasons I want to cut.
I think about everything anyone has ever told me. I try to stop but I can’t.
I lied to myself and I keep telling myself I can stop.
Cut, cut, cut, blood.
The blood slowly goes down my wrist and I cry.
I want to stop I really do. I close my eyes; I sit down on the floor thinking about all my thoughts in the dark bathroom.

It's 3am I'm still up.
The moon is out and the stars are shinning.
We just now stopped texting, we have been talking all day.
When you said you needed sleep, I told you I will miss you.
I said good night sleep well.
You called me sweetheart and babe tonight, yes I noticed.
I feel high you made me *** 2 times.
I'm listening to music now and writing to you in the hope I wont miss you so much.
When will we talk again? Hopefully soon.

Look at me, my skin has dealt with a lot.
Scars and bruises fill my body.
My body is fragile, it breaks and bruises easily, that doesn’t stop you from hitting me.
Scars are on my wrist; it doesn’t stop me from cutting though.

Girl and Girl.
Boy and Boy.
Girl and Boy.
Who cares, who people love.
As long as your happy.
I broke my family apart with the person I chose to love.
No one thought it was a good idea.
My grandma thought it was gross.
My mom swore she would love me no matter who I choose, she lied.
As long as your happy, my mom said she would be happy.
I was happy, I was happy with my choice.
People thought it was a faze, that I really couldn’t be happy with my choice.
The name calling started.
I got punished for my choice.

I’m afraid no one hears me.
I’m afraid no one will listen to my words.
I’m afraid that my writing will be forgotten.
I’m afraid you won’t miss me.
I will never be a famous writer.
My life will be too short; I will never get to live.
The abuse ruled my life.
The cutting made my life a living hell, I wanted to stop. I really did want to stop I promise.
I’m sorry if this is the last thing I write.
I never meant to hurt you, I wanted to love you forever.

Purple shirts.
Purple markers.
Purple jewelry.
It’s your favorite color.
I packed all my purple things away in a box.
I hate the color purple; it reminds me of you.
I later came to realize; I should not hate a color.
Purple has done nothing to me.
I started wearing the color purple again.
It reminds me of the good times.
It reminds me of how much I truly miss you every day.

I was dead before we met.
I was born again when you fell in love with me.
I lived while we were together, somehow even when things ended between us I find the strength to keep going.
But some days are hard and I struggle to even get up,
I don't lay on your side of the bed to make it seem like your coming back.
I keep your clothes in the closet even when I don't have enough room for mine.
I love you.

Broken Glass
Dismantled sharpeners
Razors
Knives
Box Cutters
The things I use to hurt myself.
Cut my wrist one, two, three times.
If I do it right red blood drips out.
It washes away my mistakes, it helps me it really does.
I get a high every time I cut my wrist.
I do it in the most obvious place, why hasn’t anyone noticed?
-written by a cutter that's been broken for 5 years and has a knife, razor and broken glass collection in my room.

My scars will fade and all will be forgotten. Right?
I hope once my scars fade I don’t remember why I started self-harming.
I hope I don’t remember anything, I hope everything really will be forgotten

I’m walking down the sidewalk going to the next store,
I look up and I see pretty girls.
I look down again fast hoping they don’t see me, Be invisible.
Thin, Pretty, Perfect hair, Beautiful eyes, and the perfect body.
I am, I’m just like them I’m beautiful,
I don’t have perfect hair and I don’t exactly have the prettiest eyes.
I’m fat I have curves and my waist isn’t a size 2.
I make eye contact with them and smile slightly, they smile back and say hello.
They talked to me!
Maybe my mom was wrong maybe I’m beautiful.

I’m breathing but barely, why don’t you leave me alone.
Can’t you see when we were together I was suffocating.
You told me I wasn’t good enough for you, you told me to change so I did.
I stopped seeing my friends and I stopped talking to my family.
You held me down and told me I wasn’t worth your time
You broke up with me 20 times, coming back every time saying you were sorry.

Take a gun to my head, blow it all away.
I don’t want to see your faces.
It’s too painful to remember you, it’s too painful to remember the memories.
If you’re going to haunt my life at least do it during the day, night is my only break but lately you haven’t let me sleep.
My eyes are open; my body is moving through the motions but I’m not really here. I’m somewhere far away in a beautiful world that I can't escape to often.

I can’t subject you to my horrors, I can’t do it anymore.
It’s a new day but everything is the same except for the sky.
I’m tired of living each day and have nothing change, but I’ll look back a year later and realize everything really has changed.
Why do the bad things have to stay and keep torturing my sleep, my life and my brain it’s killing me.

Even though everything seemed to be going wrong, I somehow managed to keep going.
I had thought about death and suicide before.
I spent hours where I was debating on if I should keep going.
I didn’t know how to say good-bye to the world.
I didn’t know what my last words would be, since I had so many words left to say.
Something stopped me from taking all those pills.
Everything seemed to be keeping me down.
Darkness was my friend.
I put a rope around the fan, I was going to hang myself.
I didn’t want my grandmother to find me hanging there.
My corpse would give her nightmares.

you're in my veins,
and I just want
you
out.
it's my fault,
you begged for me back,
I said no
every time.
but sometimes,
I still have to remind myself why
I can't text you
and tell you I still miss you.
I still see you in my dreams.
I can't listen to your favorite band or wear your t-shirts anymore.
at 1 in the morning sometimes I cry
and I'm blaming you.

The sun is peeking through the fog; I’m sitting on the bench it’s for 4am or maybe 4 30 I’m not exactly sure. I hear the birds; the wind is blowing slightly on my face. I have some coffee; I wish I had tea though but it reminds me of you. I have so many things on my mind part of the reason I woke up at 4 I’m sure it was 4 this time. I have been sitting and thinking for hours. My coffee is cold now, the sun came out from the fog the wind is still blowing but a little more now. I should go inside and socialize but I’m tired so I’ll just keep sitting until I feel fine again.

I thought if I cut my hair short, I would have confidence.
My grams said guys don’t like girls who have short hair.
I thought if I cut my hair I would be happy.
My mom said it was short but cute. I’m sure she really hates it.
I thought if I cut my hair I would smile more.
A friend of mine didn’t recognize me, she said your hair is so different.
I thought if I cut my hair I would want to wear makeup and be pretty.
A lady I know said it looks like I lost 50 pounds with my new hairstyle.
I thought if I cut my hair guys would like me more.
No one is use to my hair yet.
I thought I liked my hair, why shouldn’t I like it?

A new life was born, it’s a girl.
Her birth mom kept her for 5 months of her life.
She decided to give her up for adoption.
The girl was adopted by this family.
Her dad held her and said you will never be alone again.
She was loved for now, but things changed.
Her mom was on and off her medication most of her life.
The girl spent most of her time with her aunt and grandma.
The girl met her birth family things didn’t work out, she was sad.
The girl stated cutting and she stopped eating.
She wrote her birth family letters so if they ever met again it would feel like they didn’t miss anything.
She is struggling with the loss still, the first few years were hard.

I am a girl who hides behind a smile.
Everyone who looks at me in one glance could think that I am happy. I have everything that I could dream of.
Their mistaken, they should look at me more closely.
People should look at my long sleeves on a hot day, they should know something is wrong.
I don’t like eating in front of people because they stare.
If everyone took a little more time to notice someone, or smile at a person maybe the world wouldn’t be so sad. Maybe I wouldn’t be sad.

The mirror is foggy; I can’t see my naked body.
I suppose that’s good, at least I don’t have to hate myself in the mirror this morning.
But when the mirror isn’t foggy anymore, I will have to turn around so I can’t see myself.  
I’m ugly, who could ever look at me and love me?

I had a picture in my head of how my family was supposed to look like.
Smiling faces.
My parents getting along.
No screaming.
I’m not sure why I thought that my family would be happy, funny and have a good life.
I learned early on that this wasn’t the case, I’m afraid to grow up and have a marriage that ends, have screaming in the house and have my kids wishing they could be dead.
Because that’s what my childhood was like.
I’m afraid to have kids, even though people say I’m nothing like my parents, people think I will be a good mother.
How can I be a good mom when I didn’t have one myself?
Don’t get me wrong I’m not blaming my mom, she did the best she could.

I hugged you for the first time in 3 months.
You smelled good.
You smelled of sweat pea and vanilla.
The blue shirt you had on tonight, it smelled like your cookies and it smelled like dad.
I wish I could have kept hugging you.
I love you.

I saw a group of girls tonight, they were thin, of course beautiful.
I was anxious and scared, I didn’t know what to do.
Plan A, run away fast so they don’t have time to see you at all.
Plan B, keep your head down and walk past them.
I have heard people laugh when I walked by.
I have had people whisper and look at me before.
I have had a girl say your fat right in my face.
I didn’t want to judge these girls; I didn’t know them.
If I walked by, they could laugh or make jokes about me.  
But I walked by them with my head held high, they said nothing, they didn’t laugh.
I think one girl even smiled at me.

I’m sick, head hurts, ears hurt. My mouth is sour.
It hurts when I swallow.
I can’t eat much.
I am so lucky it’s also the time of the month.
My family has been sick lately and I have been taking care of them.
It was bound to happen, me being sick.
It's ok though gives me an excuse to sleep.

It was hard to breath; death was coming for me soon.
I knew I had so much left to do, but I’m out of time.
I always thought and sometimes even dreamed about death.
I have wanted to die for a while now.
I keep telling myself I’m not afraid, I’m afraid though and I want you to hold me please.
Hold me in your arms and tell me I will be alright, hold me in your arms until I fall asleep.
Never let me go please, maybe then things will be alright for you and me.

I’m not crazy I swear;
My mind isn’t all here though.

Every night I wish I could wake up somewhere else,
But every morning I am still here.

I hear kids talk about their parents, how awful it is because they didn’t let them have ice cream.
I hear kids talk about their parents, how they can’t get along, how they wish they were 18 so they could get away from them. When they are really just trying to love you.
Someone told me what I was going through wasn’t abuse.
There right it’s not abuse, my mom hitting me with a remote can be called an accident.
My mom saying, she hates me, can be blamed on me she was stressed.
I was offered help by someone I knew, someone who could get me away from the abuse.
I didn’t want to hurt my mom and dad though; I didn’t want them to lose everything.
A part of me knows they really are abusing me.
They love me right? What if the person abusing you is your own parents?
Is it tough love? Could they really just be abusing me? Why is that so hard to comprehend.
If a girl or guy gets in an abusive relationship, right away people run to help if there lucky of course.
Why can’t this case be abuse?
Why can’t I leave them?
I love them, I love my abusers that’s why I can’t leave.

I’m standing on an empty stage.
I’m looking at where the audience would be sitting.
I see someone sitting watching me.
I try to see the person that is there.
I can’t make out their face.
I shout at them and ask who are you.
They don’t answer, I ask them again who are you.
Again no answer, the person begins to walk towards me.
They have a long black coat on.
This person is tall with short black hair.
He gets on stage with me still he has said nothing to me.
I think I have seen this man before, where have I seen him though.
Finally, he speaks he says I’m death, nice seeing you again Steph.
Why is he here?
Why am I seeing him again?

This world is full of sorrow, how sad can this world get?
How sad can this world get before happiness takes over?
What has to happen before happiness is the norm and not something you occasionally see.
A sad story happens and everyone gets use to it.
People forget about how it can be.
I haven't forgotten, I haven't forgotten anything.
I don't know how much more I can take.

Knifes **** me, I’m bleeding I’m going to die.
I think of everything that has happened in my life. I had a picture in my head of how my life was going to be, how I wanted my life to be. But it’s over everything is over.
I lye still thinking.
  I’m thinking of my mother and how I wish I had made things ok with her. I’m thinking of my grandmother she is like my mom; I love her so much.
I always thought she would die first I was wrong.
I’m thinking of all the books I’ll never get to read now.
I’m thinking of my baby cousins who will grow up not knowing me.
Oh God please help me! I made a mistake.
I love you dad, I’m sorry. I slowly close my eyes knowing it’s over.
The pain is over, the yelling, the fighting is all over.
But it’s really not all over I open my eyes and see a white room with a T.V. on the wall and a cross above the doorway. It’s a hospital, did someone find me?

I have your picture, framed and hanging on the wall.
You seem happy in this picture, it’s right before things got hard for you.
I take your picture off the wall and bring it into bed with me, it feels like you’re here that way.
Sometimes I talk to you through the glass frame and touch your photographed face.
I love you, please come back to me.

I sat in my chair, it was a brown, cream peachy color.
I put my feet up and snuggled under my blanket, I loved this blanket.
The blanket was so big, it had big blue and pink flowers on it.
I had a table next to my chair, my book was on there that I was currently reading.
I looked out my window and closed my eyes, I could see orange and yellow colors when I did.
The sun was out, it was beautiful and warm, I felt safe.
I kept my eyes closed and relaxed, I thought about my life.

It’s quiet outside this morning.
Fog fills the air; I’m walking down the sidewalk.
The trees are a beautiful color, green, brown, and red leaves fill the street.
The wind is blowing and for now everything is calm. But the calmness won’t last it never does.
I don’t see anyone, I’m glad that way I don’t have to smile or talk to anyone.
My mind is cluttered full of thoughts; I don’t know what to think or say.

I have done my best to avoid this house.
I didn’t like it here, I never have.
I was always with someone else, or sleeping somewhere else.
I haven’t been to this house in 3 months.
I really wish I hadn’t come back.
I had no choice, I had to come back.
I want to get out of here and never come back.

My mom was holding my hand so hard it hurt. But at the same time it felt good because she never held my hand.
She never hugged me or even kissed me.  I wondered how long this would last her holding my hand.
I looked down memorizing her hand, her nails, and little imperfections.
I slowly looked up at her face, memorizing her eyes they are blue, her hair is a beautiful light red with little curls throughout her hair.
Her voice is special sometimes it can be very sweet to hear her, but at times I wish I didn’t hear what she said at all.
I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me, I wonder if she will be ok after I leave.

Country music reminds me of you.
I remember our first date; it was in the back of your truck bed watching the stars.
You said you would take me away from everything.
We knew each other since I was 8.
You are my best friend.
You were my first kiss.

I texted my mom, I said goodnight.
I took a shower, I thought I would check my phone after that.
I could barely stand in the shower.
I am dizzy, my baby cousin ate more food tonight than I did these past 3 days.
I weighed myself I lost 9 pounds.
I thought of the reasons I was starving myself.
I checked my phone, my mom said night.
I was hoping she would say I love you Steph.

Little girls and little boys bundled up in promises and loving hearts.
Teenagers struggling to survive.
Suicide is the killer; teens think that’s the best way.
I can’t really speak for all teens though.
I wasn’t bundled up in promises that were going to be kept.
I had a loving heart but it is broken now.
Suicide isn’t my killer, although it might have been.

I decided to wear a short sleeve shirt today since it was hot.
I was going to a church cook out.
I didn’t really want to go, but I did.
I thought it would be fun, I had a good attitude about it.
Something happened though, this guy came up to me.
He said you’re a cutter, he saw my scars and cuts.
I had band aids on them, they were coming off though a little.
He said you’re a cutter and then laughed.
Why did he laugh?
Was it funny to him?
Did he just not know what to say?
I have had people stare at me before.
I have had people comment on my weight.
But no one has said anything about my self-harm scars and cuts.
I guess he thought it was funny.
I don’t find it funny.
I’m glad this day is over.

I remember the night we met.
I remember I use to keep you up all night and we use to sleep during the day.
I remember the first time we talked on the phone, you said my voice reminded you of Minnie Mouse.
I remember the first time I heard you laugh, your laugh reminds me of John Candy.
You said, I love you first.
I remember when I gave you an ultimatum.
You left for 2 weeks, no messages, no texts, no phone calls or emails.
I didn’t think you would come back but you did.
I said sorry and you forgave me.
I love you, I know I can be stubborn sometimes.
I know I don’t always think before I say things.
You make me laugh and giggle so hard sometimes you make my cheeks hurt.
You are my oxygen, I know that’s dangerous if you are my air supply, what if you decide to leave again?
Will I be able to breath?

I loved drinking water on an empty stomach I waited for the water to slip down my throat.
I'm empty,
I’m cold, in a warm room.
I’m fat.
I want food, no you don’t need it. I love not eating.
78 calories 1 large egg.
95 calories 1 medium apple.
45 calories 1 small orange.
Eat it, throw it all up after.

Band aids fill my arms.
People are staring, I wish I didn’t have to have these band aids on.
If I didn’t though everyone would be concerned.

Stain glass fills the room; I always loved looking at it.
Seats fill the room also; a cross is on the wall.
I felt so safe here at one time.
I always wanted to come here, this use to feel like home.

He knows the risks; he still doesn’t care.
He has two little ones and a wife to think about.
He is a pretty good guy; he has always been there for me.
A lot of good memories with him, he has helped a lot.
He won’t wear his seatbelt though.
Does he have a suicide wish?
I want to say something to him.
I don’t want to lose him.

I have loved, Now I have lost the love of my life.
I’m done loving people, at least for now.
My heart is broken.

Throw a coin in the wishing well, close your eyes and wish for something.
I think of a million things I want.
I think of things I need.
I wish for my birth family to be in my life again.
I know I didn’t wish for candy
I didn’t wish for a guy to come back in my life.
I didn’t wish for world peace.
If you had the chance what would you wish for?

I drank too much, I passed out at 3.
You made me want to pick up a bottle and drink until I couldn’t feel anything.
I hate you.
I want to stop drinking, I don't want to come home drunk.
I don't know how to stop though, I don't know what to do.

Be pretty she said, wear clothes that are revealing so guys will look.
I don’t feel pretty even when people say I am, I don’t know why I always felt like this.
Second grade, I was wearing coats to hide my body.
Third grade, the teachers hated me.
Fourth grade, I was stealing trying to get attention from my parents
My family was falling apart and I was tired.
Fifth grade, they pulled me out of public school, I don’t remember much from this year.
Years started blending together and nothing mattered anymore.
When I was 13 I started self-harming no one knew what I was doing.
I skipped meals I thought it was a good idea at first.
I’m sorry I have been so much trouble mom, I didn’t mean to be.