I went to the house, for the first time in months.
I had spent so many hours here.
This felt like home, this is where my heart was at.
I wasn’t supposed to be here; my parents would get mad.
I wanted to see them though.
My aunt, my uncle, my cousins.
I didn’t want it to end, I walked through the house looking at everything.
I saw the vase I made my aunt.
I saw pictures of me when I was younger.
My cousin and I played basketball.
I watched my uncle watch football.
I talked to my oldest cousin.
I memorized the house before I left.
I don’t know when I will see you all again.
I love you so much.

Dad messaged me yesterday around 5.
I thought this drama was over.
He said listen carefully, so I did.
He said, I have 2 choices.
I can come home Sunday, or have grandma take legal guardianship of me.
No middle ground he said.
If I go back to my parents’ home, he said I won’t see grams except for the weekend.
He has said all this before.
This time feels different though.
He said make a decision after I read his messages, I was supposed to message him right after.
I told him this is a life alerting choice, a decision I can’t make alone.
I told him I would be at the house on Sunday though, what else could I have said?
I went to my aunt’s house yesterday, to get her opinion on it.
I’m getting a lawyer, I’m ready to live life.

I have my favorite cd’s on, with my snacks on my bed.
I am searching the internet for poetry that gives me chills.
I’m waiting until I’m tired so I can sleep and maybe even dream.
I hope I can dream about beautiful things.
I wish you were here laying in my bed, I wish we could snuggle.
I wish you could put your arm around me.
I want to wake up with you in my bed.
I miss you.

The dark angel is holding me tightly, I cannot be free from him.
The dark angel is becoming stronger, how do I let go?
The dark angel, is telling me that it isn’t worth it.
How does the dark angel get in my head? How does he get a hold of me?
Every time the dark angel has control I forgot how I escaped the last time.
I forget the happy moments when we talked.
I forget how to smile.
I forget that I have another Angel who is waiting for me, to guide me once I get back into the light.
The dark angel says he is my only friend, is this true?
Do I no longer have anyone else, is he really the only one?
I close my eyes and I know this is not true, because I remember the moments we talked, I remember how to smile, I remember that I have you.
I am no longer in the dark, the dark angel is no longer controlling me.
I’m in the light for now, I do not forget about the dark angel.
I do not forget about him holding me tightly.
I do not forget that he is strong, I do not forget him telling me it isn’t worth it.
I’m afraid.
Will I be pulled back into the darkness?
Will I be able to escape the dark angel again?
I fear I will become too weak and someday I will be too weak to fight him.
Will everything be ok?

The multi-colored cat is sitting in the window.
It's looking out the window, curiously looking at the outside world.
The sun is going down.
The light is shinning on his fur.
The cat seems happy, he seems content in this home.
He will grow old looking out this window.
He has a home forever where he will be loved.
He will be loved, that's all he wants.

I don’t want to have to explain to my kids what the scars are on my wrist.
Will these scars stay on my skin forever and haunt me?
I need you tonight, are you here? I need a hug.
I don’t want people to stare at me, acting like I’m not a human being.
When you stare at me, I’m afraid you will see my imperfections.
I don’t want you to run away, I want you to stay please.
Don’t leave me alone to face this world.
I need you, please stay.
You are the reason I wake up; you are the reason I keep going.
I have felt the urge to self-harm so many times, but I don’t.
I stop myself somehow, I stop because I have to.
I stopped for you.

She said hooray you ate your lunch today.
It reminded me of how you would praise a child for doing something good.
Only she said it to me, I’m almost 16.
I’m not angry that she said hooray, it was nice to hear her voice and see her smile.
I’m not upset, why would I be?
I ate my lunch, that’s a good thing.

I listen to music wondering if I will make it.
Will I make it another day?
I close my eyes and try to imagine my future, I see nothing but darkness.
I wonder if I will live a long life?
I’m fantasying a lot about death these days.
I need to relive this stress.
I try to distract my mind from this pain.
I sit with my parents and hear them talk about their day.
They went to a few stores, I didn’t go.
I didn’t want to face the world today, I couldn’t not today.
Maybe I will go somewhere tomorrow.
I think about how my parents would feel if they knew I cut, I need to tell them.
I’m putting it off, how do you bring up something like this?
I have to tell them; I have tried recovery.
I can’t do it alone.
I’m hoping they will understand.
I don’t want to hurt them; I don’t want to cause them more pain.
I’m ****** up, they have had to do so much for me already.
I wanted to be a good kid.
I don’t want them to regret their choice of adopting me.
Because I feel like my mom does regret her choice of adopting me.

I have had a fairly bad day.
Nothing exactly went wrong.
But have you ever just been so tired.
That you can barely keep your eyes open.
Have you ever had everything fall apart right in front of you?
Have you had a day where you are around everyone you love, yet you still feel bad.
Because something is making you feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up?
But you can't do anything about the situation.
Because it wasn't your fault.
But you blame yourself any way and doubt everything.

What do you think about ghosts?
What did you think of them when you were small?
Before they started haunting you in your sleep.
What did you think of demons, before they were pushing you down?
What did you think of depression?
Before you struggled with it yourself.
What did you think about people with Anorexia before you struggled with it?
I hope, you would think that the ghosts will someday go away.
I hope you found a way to find peace while sleeping.
I hope you found healthy ways to deal with the depression.
I hope you decided to get help when you struggled with Anorexia.
But, if you didn't, you still can do these things.
If you feel like you can't do these things you can!
You can get better, you can start recovery.
If you fall while in recovery then lift yourself back up, and find the strength once again to help yourself.

A, Anorexia.

B, Body Image

C, Cutting.

D, Death.

E, Emblaze.

F, Forgiveness.

G, Gene.

H, Helpless.

I, Insane.

J, Jocund.

K, Kindness.

L, Lost.

M, Memories.

N, Numb.

O, Oxygen.

P, Patience.

Q, Quiet.

R, Rejected.

S, Suicide.

T, Tired.

U, Undo.

V, Vivid.

W, Worthless.

X, Xanthippe.

Y, Yellow.

Z, Zombie.

I use different tools to harm myself.
Wrists are my favorite place to cut.
He told me he knows I cut often.
I tried cutting my stomach it’s easier to hide the cuts.
I’m tired of wearing long sleeves in the summer to hide my cuts on my wrist.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Blood comes out of my wrist.
What a beautiful sight, I could stare at it forever.
I might explore and cut my thighs.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
I need to buy new razors.
My hidden knife is still in the cabinet it’s hidden behind my shampoo bottle.  
I use the knife and then I take a razor and use that.
Razors hurt more, my wrist itches after I cut.
It stings in the shower, if it rains and I just cut it stings then too.
I wanted to stop, I have been addicted for a while now.
Someday I will cut to deep and it will be all over.
No pills.
All I have to do is hit a vein.

You will never understand how much it hurts.
Your empty words don’t help.
Don't try to make it seem like you care.
When you are part of the reason I'm feeling this way.

It’s 4 o clock and I’m still sleeping, I might sleep the whole day.
But I don’t, I rub my eyes and lay in my bed.
I think about my mom; I try to remember a time when we got along.
I try to remember good memories.
I remember the first time you said you loved me.
I remember my first love.
Happy days.
Rainbows.
Smiles.
Love.
I can’t remember when that all went away, I can’t remember when I started becoming sad.
I stay home now because I get nervous when I go outside.
I stay up all night and sleep during the day.
Knifes.
Razors.
Black clothes.
I’m tired, leave me alone.
I’m fine really, lie.
The cat scratched me, that’s where those cuts came from.
No one cares.
I’m sorry I’m not the happy girl anymore.

I have had a fairly bad day.
Nothing exactly went wrong.
But have you ever just been so tired.
That you can barely keep your eyes open.
Have you ever had everything fall apart right in front of you?
Have you had a day where you are around everyone you love, yet you still feel bad.
Because something is making you feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up?
But you can't do anything about the situation.
Because it wasn't your fault.
But you blame yourself any way and doubt everything.

It happened one day when i was in my room.
I was watching a movie, and this girl was self-harming.
I went back to this video a few times.
She looked happy, the truth is, she probably wasn't.
After getting deeper into videos, movies, and blogs.
It sounded like a good release to my pain i was going through at the time.
So i watched the movie once again and did what she had done.
Then i did it again.
It became an every-day thing i did.
Then i stopped.
Telling myself to stop.
Stop.
I started again.
I reached out to a family member, and he knew.
He asked to take pictures of my wrists.
He said no one would find out.
He told me that it would be our secret.
He grabbed my wrists one time and I pushed him away uncomfortable.
He hid my secret from everyone.
Days, weeks, months, 1 year had passed.
Another year had gone by.
Until it turned into 3 years.
Then i stopped once again, thinking that I would relapse again.
I got to 20 days.
Until it turned into months.

It’s in the past, it’s history.
I remember when it happened, seems so long ago.
My heart still hurts and I cry sometimes when I’m reminded of what happened.
Somehow I have kept going and I have lived.
I’m breathing and eating.
It’s in the past, I still remember though.

Your love was never mine.
Even though I thought it was.
Because my love was yours.
I was so deep and I didn’t realize you didn’t feel the same.
I was blind, even though every sign was there that your love wasn’t mine.
Why did I have to fall in love, why did you not love me?
At times, I ponder late at night when everything has gone to sleep, I ponder if somehow i really wasn’t blind.
Maybe you did love me?
Will I ever know for sure, or will I always wonder?

I imagine myself in a meadow sitting in beautiful purple and yellow flowers.
I see a river flowing and I see the tress swaying from the wind.
I look outside my bedroom window again my beautiful meadow is gone.
This time I see, houses and kids playing in the street.
I see cars pulling out of driveways.
When will I see my beautiful meadow again and drift off into my imaginary world?

Say something.
Speak up, you have a voice don’t you?
Doesn’t anyone want to listen to you?
You are lovely, can’t you see that?

Broken heart.
My dad.
Lost love.
Self-harm.
Making things ok with my mother.
Seeing my cousins grow up.

None of this matters now.
I’m tired of living, maybe I should die.

Butterfly
You use to mean nothing to me, until I started self-harming.
I came across the butterfly project.
You draw a butterfly where you self-harm and name it after someone special.
Don’t rub the butterfly off, let it wash off naturally.
If you don’t cut, your butterfly lives. If you do it dies and you draw another.
I cut on my wrists, so I draw a butterfly there.
I name my butterfly after my friend Michael, it is harder to cut if you name it after someone you love.
Someday I hope to stop cutting, I have a lot of support.
If you are reading this and your self-harming, please tell someone.
I’m here if you need to talk.
You are not alone, even if it feels like that sometimes.

I like singing in the shower, can you hear me?
I will sing to you if you want.
Maybe after we can lay in my bed, I want to know about you.
Tell me all of your hopes and dreams.
Tell me your favorite color, mines green.
How many girls hearts have you broken?
The hours pass and I feel like I have known you for years.

In the moment when he said it’s over, I couldn’t breathe.
I wondered how this happened.
Had I done something wrong?
I woke up, with the first thought being him.
I logged onto my computer, I was going to tell him I loved him.
I love you, I was going to tell him how much he meant to me.
Instead I got 3 messages saying it feels like were just friends.
He said sorry, I’m sorry I said.
I told him I didn’t feel like we were friends, I love him.
How does love disappear over night?
Had he been feeling this way for a while? why didn’t he tell me?
I should have handled It differently.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been different.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been your forever.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t try hard enough, it’s too late.
I thought I was your inspiration.
Were friends, that's all we are now.
It's ok I don't mind, it's nice to be friends.
Someday, if you do change your mind and want me back.
I'll be here, I will be here waiting.

Today is the day...
Today is the day that I forget about you.
Today is the day when I let go of the pain you inflicted on me.
Today is the day when I let my scars heal.

I will survive this life.
I will survive the nights when I cry for hours.
I will survive the moments during the day where I feel exhausted.
I will survive the moments when I feel like I cannot get out of bed.
I will survive living without them here with me.
I will survive.
I always have, because a part of me has always wanted to live.
A part of me has always told me to hang on.
But I need you, because I'm stronger with you.
I'm stronger when I write.
I'm stronger every day I decide to get out of bed and make the effort.

I was sitting enjoying my breakfast this morning.
My uncle, aunt and cousin and my cousin’s husband plus there two kids were there.
A full table, all eating and laughing.
We were enjoying the morning, I was even talking and listening to everyone.
One of my cousin’s kids started crying.
She is 2, she was tired or still hungry who knows really.
One of the people made a comment at the table and said **** is she on her period.
Believe me, I was shocked at this statement.
I didn’t know what to say, so I kept quiet.
I’m not overreacting, I think it was rude to have said that.
First off, she is too young to be having periods, even if she were older it wouldn’t matter.
So, you think if women cry, or are moody you assume were on our period.
Maybe were moody because were tired, or maybe were not having a good day.
Maybe were ******* because of the comments we have to hear about our bodies.
Am I overreacting?
Was it alright for him to say **** is she on her period?

If it were winter forever, I would be happy.
I would wear sweater’s and sweat pants every day.
If it were winter forever, I could hide my scars more easily.
If it were winter forever, I wouldn’t have to make excuse of why I’m wearing a long sleeve shirt or covering my arms with Band-Aids.
I have a feeling that you know I self-harm but you haven’t said anything to me.
If it were winter forever, I could make snow angels.
If it were winter forever, we could play in the snow all day long.
If it were winter forever, we could make igloos and drink hot chocolate made by your mother.
If it were winter forever, we could wear snow boots and have our skin be cold.
If it were winter forever I would be happy.

Goodbye.
Wait.
I need to live, I need everyone to know my name.
I need people to know, how long I fought.
I need them to know, that they wounded me.
Everyone has to know my name.
Please, don't let me be gone and forgotten.

When you remember me, please remember my smile.
When you remember me, think of the way I laughed.
When you remember me, remember the way my hair looked in the morning.  
Don’t remember my cuts or scars, I’m not ashamed that I cut, but you are.
I want you to remember me running through the sprinkler or making silly faces underwater.
I want you to remember me wearing miss-matched socks.
I want you to know how much I loved you, because I really do.
I’m sorry if you are reading this, I didn’t want you to live a day without me there with you.
I want you to know it’s ok if you find someone else to love, someone you can make love with.
Someone who does your laundry like I did.
I want you to find someone who likes mint chocolate chip ice cream as much as we did.

He is the winner.
He tried hard to win.
He did everything right, but also, he did everything wrong.
I thought he was right, I thought he did everything right.
I wasn't looking.
We all wanted to believe he was doing the right thing.
After a part of me realized he wasn't the hero, that he did have flaws.
It was already too late because a part of me was already poisoned.
Poisoned by his thoughts that he drilled inside of my brain while trying to make it seem he was there.
While the world was living, I was trying to stay alive and I believed he was helping.
Did he save me at all?
Was he part of the reason I stayed on this world?
Or was I the one who told myself to hang on?
Slowly day by day I try to cleanse my mind of what he said, I try to realize I was the one who saved myself.
But in the end, he is the winner because I don't think I will every truly cleanse my mind.
I will never be the same person I was before he came along.
But every time I take another step into the other direction that he wouldn't have approved of, I am winning.
But I will never be the winner, I will always be trying to get him out of my head.
I will always try to tell myself he isn't right, because no matter what I do a little part of me will believe his hateful words

The silence woke her.
She become aware of everything.
Suddenly the world had become quiet.
She could see the people running around.
But she became oblivious to what people said.
Everyone became unfamiliar with her voice.
Because everyone was tired of trying to speak to her when she seemed like she wasn't listening.
But she was, she didn't know what to say though because everything was falling apart.

I need someone to hold my hand.
I need to feel the warmth of the skin.
I need you to understand I might be sad even when you do this.
Don't be alarmed if I suddenly break out into tears.
It's not you, I'm glad your here holding my hand.
Sometimes though even when I know someone is here for me.
I still feel the need to cry.
Because I feel things, and I see things, and life happens and it's hard at times.
So, don't run away when my eyes become filled with tears.
Because if you weren't here, holding my hand, it might be worse.

She was walking up and down rows of graves.
Looking carefully at the names and when they died.
Was she looking for someone?
No she wasn’t this is one of her hobbies, to visit graves.
She is fascinated with death.

8 days, 8 days I was living, breathing and sleeping.
8 days.
Ocho- meaning 8 in Spanish.
Acht- meaning 8 in German.
8 days since the last time I self-harmed.
8 days, isn’t that great?
I have had a few breakdowns and I have cried a lot in these 8 days.
I feel the urge to cut.
Feelings are overwhelming me.
I’m sad and happy, delusional and anxious.
I get nervous over the simplest things.
I can’t live.
Cutting, cutting was the way I dealt with things.
It was my habit, everyone has one.

Wildflowers
Remind me of people.
Their all different, not one exactly the same.
Some are beautiful.
Some are bright.  
I love them all.
They bring me joy.

You’re not a kid anymore, your all grown up.
I’m only 15 though, but you act like I’m 21.
I drink to hide the pain.
I cut myself to release the pain, it’s an addiction now.
A few years ago I had life planned, but now it’s all blurry and I just struggle to get out of bed.
I just want everything to stop, Breathe. Just breathe.
How do I look at people? I let people down.
None of this matters now, I never mattered.
I still want to believe in a future but I’m stuck in this nightmare.

Staying in the situation wasn't possible.
I had to get out from his sight.
I had to leave.
I had no choice, not that I would of wanted to stay.
But, I sit and wonder what would of happened if I had.
If I stayed in the situation with him.
If's consume my mind.
It's hard to let go, of the past.
Because they were my life.
In a way they still are because I find myself consumed with thinking about them.
All those memories.
They were all fake.
They never cared.
But a part of me says it wasn't fake.
A war is happening inside of my head.
Who will win?

Mom, I’m coming home.
You said you had concerns that you needed to talk about.
It seems you want me there.
I love you mom.
Mom, I’m coming home.
Wait for me please, don’t leave.
I will be there; we can talk then.

I can’t **** myself because my sadness would be over.
I can’t **** myself, because I would never be able to cut myself again.
I can’t **** myself because people would think I’m a coward if I did.
My sadness would be over though; I would no longer feel.
I wouldn’t be able to cut myself anymore, I wouldn’t be able to leave more scars for my mom to see on my corpse if I killed myself.
If I killed myself, cuts wouldn’t fill my arm anymore.
If I killed myself, my parents wouldn’t be able to fight over me.
If I killed myself, my grandma wouldn’t have to worry about if I made it or not after she died.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone anymore, I wouldn’t be able to hurt you.
If I killed myself, I wouldn’t ever see your angry eyes and  hear your voice raising higher and higher.
If I killed myself, there would be an empty seat at the table, we never sit at.
Death sounds inviting doesn’t it?
Do I have enough courage to **** myself though?
I would never go to my first job interview.
I would never learn to drive.
I would never be able to disappoint you again.
If I killed myself, you would cry.
You would be sad; you would keep living though.
The whole world would keep going, everything would be the same. Nothing would change and no one’s world would stop if I killed myself.

You’re killing me slowly. Can’t you see that I’m in pain?
I don’t want to get out of bed.
I cry when no one can hear me. I don’t smile anymore. I feel so sad at times I want to die.
Every day is another battle I have to fight!
I can’t love anyone or trust people because of you. Why did you leave? Why did you reject me I was just a baby when you gave me up? What did I do? Was I not good enough for you?
Even when I was older you rejected me again. But I want to see you.
  I love you. Please don’t go again. I need you. Don’t leave me alone.  Because I don’t know if I can keep fighting alone.

Pretty girl, you are going to be 16 soon.
Imagine being gathered with family and celebrating your birthday, it’s hard to imagine it hasn’t happened in years.
Imagine a big birthday cake, saying Happy 16th Birthday Stephanie.
I don’t remember the last time I had a birthday cake, I don’t remember the last time I blew candles out and made a wish.
Unfortunately, this will the reality of your 16th Birthday, sitting alone in your room and feeling like cutting deep.
I will cut deep and then hide my cuts with a long sleeve shirt.
I feel like cutting today and not waiting for my birthday.

Dear Anorexia, you told me you would be my friend. You promised thinness, happiness and you promised you wouldn’t leave.
You didn’t leave, you were my shadow.
You told me what I was allowed to eat.
You made me cry, you made me lose everything.
I felt numb, it felt like I was high.
When I walked I felt like I was floating on a cloud unaware of my surroundings.
Cutting myself the only time I felt alive.
I was told my fear of food may never go away, I was told my family may never trust me again.
My mind isn’t my own.
I worry about being lonely without you, sometimes I go full minutes without thinking about food that’s when I feel the most incomplete.
My voice was taken I couldn’t speak, without asking you if it was ok.
Toilets, mirrors, knifes, and razors are my friends.
You are my friend aren’t you Anorexia?

I don't know if you experienced abuse before in any form.
You are scared to the point of checking your phone because if you miss a message they will punish you with twenty more saying you should answer right away.
You’re afraid to eat because of something that they will say.
Your scared when you wake up and when your breathing.
You cry yourself to sleep.
When the abuser acts normal and loving you stay because you love them and their old self is showing.
You enjoy those moments where it seems peaceful because it helps you get through the bad parts of when the abuse happens.
If the abuser acts nice your scared because you want it to last so you don't say anything and they think your behavior is weird.
I feel so lost and dizzy, I don’t know what is true anymore.

You remind me of crystals.
You shimmer and shine.
You are beautiful, you don’t look human.
Your skin is cold, your never warm enough.
You are my best-friend.
You are only in my imagination.

I’m tired of this world, it’s so hard to breath at times.
It’s hard for me to get out of bed.
It’s hard to go out and see people.
I’m tired don’t you see I want to sleep?
Leave me alone please.
If I don’t talk, no one can get mad about what I say.
If you don’t listen I won’t be heard, that’s fine no one has listened to me any way.
You are all too busy, you say I need to talk to someone I have tried.
I have tried to talk to people, nothing changes.
I don’t feel better, don’t ask if you can do anything for me, you know you can’t.
Don’t pretend, you don’t care about me.
Keep the curtains closed, the sun hurts my eyes, it’s too bright.
Darkness is my friend.
Sleeping pills have ran through my mind today, if I take enough I’m dead.
I’m tired of you, my head hurts I’m stressed.
I can’t sleep tonight, I never sleep.

She is being pulled and pushed around.
She is being dragged around.
She hates this world; she has no freedom.
She always dreamed of getting out of this place at 18.
Wishes in her  heart usually never came true.
Getting use to the world was a struggle.
So innocent at one time.
She is labeled as depressed, suicidal, and a self-harmer.
Liar is her new name.
Life rejected her, she really rejected the world because she is scared.

Beaten, ******, and scared.
I’m tired, you think you can beat me.
You think it’s ok to smash my head into the wall until I’m ******.
I’m scared of you; I’m scared when I wake up.
I’m scared something I will say or do won’t be good enough for you.

She took my life, but left me breathing.
Sometimes it was hard to breath, I felt like I was choking.
I lost my breath when she came near me, I didn’t know how long I had left to live.
I was dying slowly each day, life had no meaning.

As she walks down the road, she’s sees him. He is sitting on a park bench. The sun is beating down on his face he is an older man.  
She keeps walking by not realizing this man would someday have an important part in her life.
She keeps walking down the streets, she is going to school. She sees the people on the street but do they see her?
Did the older man see her? She sees him every day, wondering why he is there.

I want to be a butterfly
Butterflies are unique not one alike.
Butterflies use to mean nothing to me.
Until I started getting older
Butterflies fly and go where ever life takes them.
I want to be a beautiful yellow butterfly that flies and goes where ever life takes it.
A beautiful free butterfly with no care in the world is what I want to be.
So, gentle and loving, so sweet and beautiful.
I want to be a butterfly please.