I look for you in everyone.
Because I don't want to get hurt anymore.
Yes, I look for you in everyone.
So no one else can do, what you did to me.
If someday I run into you, don't expect me to say sorry for speaking up.
Don't expect a hug, because you don't deserve feeling my warmth.
Don't expect me to listen to you, when you try to tell me, that you did nothing.
I don't want you to even admit you did anything, because I know what happened.
I don't need anything from you, leave me alone.
Please, don't look for me, don't knock on my door.
Please, don't reach out.
The only thing you need to know is that I'm doing fine without you.
The only thing you need to know is that you did not keep me down.
The only thing you will find, is a different girl.
A girl who doesn't let people do what you did.
You have taken enough from me.
No, I don't forgive you.

They tried to build me.
They tried to build me so I didn't fall again.
They kept failing though.
I kept crashing back down.
They started getting tired.
Because they had their own life, they had to build up other people who meant more to them.
I was left, crashing slowly each day.
Until I became something I never thought I would be.
Then he reached out, and I started building myself up.
But I would stumble and fall.
He would stay and watch me.
Making sure I didn't fall to far.
He was there at night when I needed someone.
He counts the days with me.
I have to admit, at first I thought he would leave.
If he hadn't been here.
I don't think I would be where I am.
Slowly building myself up every-day.
Slowly becoming who I want to be.

Pages turn quickly.
Events happen on each page.
Some defining you.
Other events making you weary.
Some events that happen on the page are good memories, those seem to go even faster though.

The victims deal with the abuse.
Then when they get enough courage to leave, they have to go into hiding.
Afraid every-time the phone goes off, that it is them.
Every-time someone knocks on the door, they wonder.
Have I been found? Will I have to move again?
When they go out, they look behind them constantly making sure no one is following them.
Careful to post any information on social media, so they cannot be cyber stalked by them.
A friend request on the internet makes them suspicious, wondering if that could be them.
Someone who is friendly sets off alarms, wondering if somehow this person could be related to their abuser.
The victim did not ask for any of this yet, the only way to survive is to leave and hide.
Forever wondering if they will be found and put through the abuse again.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
At least, that’s what she thinks.

She’s more confident when scars are hiding on her body.
Until she looks in a mirror
And realizes what she has done to herself.

She hates herself when she looks in the mirror.
Until that feeling goes away
When someone says, something mean, without knowing her story
That’s when self-hatred comes out and captures her mind.

She’s happier when she’s self-harmed.
All her issues are better when expressed on her skin.
  Crashing back when the high of self-harming is gone.
And it ends up causing her more pain, then she had before.

She likes the world more when she has self-harmed.
It’s filled with so much good
Until something sets her off and feels the need to self-harm again
And she hates it all more than she should once again.

Her mind feels calm, when she self-harms.
Terrified of losing that feeling
She soon wants to self-harm again.

But she can stop any time she wants
She has herself trying to believe this.
Because self-harm takes the pain away.
That is, until all her friends leave.
Because her life revolves around the next time she self-harms again.

Goodbye.
Wait.
I need to live, I need everyone to know my name.
I need people to know, how long I fought.
I need them to know, that they wounded me.
Everyone has to know my name.
Please, don't let me be gone and forgotten.

I became what you wanted me to be.
Feeling faithless, God is not here.
Lost in this darkness.
I'm still drowning.
What did you expect to happen when you did those things?
That everything would be ok.
That it wouldn't affect me, or were you hoping I evolved into the image you created for me.
Because I was becoming the person, you wanted.
A part of me still resisting, enough of me changed though.
Enough of me changed, and I started believing your ways.
You are gone, now who am I?

It happened one day when i was in my room.
I was watching a movie, and this girl was self-harming.
I went back to this video a few times.
She looked happy, the truth is, she probably wasn't.
After getting deeper into videos, movies, and blogs.
It sounded like a good release to my pain i was going through at the time.
So i watched the movie once again and did what she had done.
Then i did it again.
It became an every-day thing i did.
Then i stopped.
Telling myself to stop.
Stop.
I started again.
I reached out to a family member, and he knew.
He asked to take pictures of my wrists.
He said no one would find out.
He told me that it would be our secret.
He grabbed my wrists one time and I pushed him away uncomfortable.
He hid my secret from everyone.
Days, weeks, months, 1 year had passed.
Another year had gone by.
Until it turned into 3 years.
Then i stopped once again, thinking that I would relapse again.
I got to 20 days.
Until it turned into months.

I had never opened up myself to anyone.
Until i had talked to you.
Before i had lived life.
Until you had taken control of mine.
I listened to you, thinking nothing was wrong.
All those words i had said, didnt matter to you.
I was desprate to hold onto anyone who showed me an ounce of love, healthy or not.
Everyone knows now.
I have to say it's worse.
I almost wish i had stayed oblivious to your ways.
Because i lost almost everyone i cared about.
Because they don't believe me.
It's not that though that is really bothering me.
It's the fact that, you can walk around and do anything you wish without a worry in the world.
I have to be the one who is stressed.
I am the one who doesn't  get to see the girls grow-up.
I have to sit at family functions and hear about you.
I have to hold it all in, because would look at me as though I was the crazy one.
When in truth, you are the one.
You are the one who thought it was ok.
You are the one.
But I'm the one who has to pay every-day.

Staying in the situation wasn't possible.
I had to get out from his sight.
I had to leave.
I had no choice, not that I would of wanted to stay.
But, I sit and wonder what would of happened if I had.
If I stayed in the situation with him.
If's consume my mind.
It's hard to let go, of the past.
Because they were my life.
In a way they still are because I find myself consumed with thinking about them.
All those memories.
They were all fake.
They never cared.
But a part of me says it wasn't fake.
A war is happening inside of my head.
Who will win?

Wake me up.
I have had this dream before.
Tired eyes.
Wrinkle under eyes.
Tired body.
Stressed mind.
Please take me out of this dream, I can no longer live in this world I have created.
Where you are the Prince and do no wrong.
A glimpse of light crawled through the darkness and I saw the light, you were trying to hide me from.
I'm no longer yours.

Everything comes back to you.
Over and over again.
I have told the truth.
Yet I'm the one punished.
For what you have done.

It has become night, the most dangerous time.
When everything seems to come out and try to push you into the dark part of your mind.
The thoughts you push away come out.
You struggle falling asleep.
So, you turn on the radio but the song him and you listened to comes on and you start crying.
You remember everything.
You are not safe at night time.
You stay awake for as long as you can, until you have become exhausted and your eyes slowly start closing.
Your final thought is, I hope my dreams don't torture me.

The silence woke her.
She become aware of everything.
Suddenly the world had become quiet.
She could see the people running around.
But she became oblivious to what people said.
Everyone became unfamiliar with her voice.
Because everyone was tired of trying to speak to her when she seemed like she wasn't listening.
But she was, she didn't know what to say though because everything was falling apart.

I have had a fairly bad day.
Nothing exactly went wrong.
But have you ever just been so tired.
That you can barely keep your eyes open.
Have you ever had everything fall apart right in front of you?
Have you had a day where you are around everyone you love, yet you still feel bad.
Because something is making you feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up?
But you can't do anything about the situation.
Because it wasn't your fault.
But you blame yourself any way and doubt everything.

I have had a fairly bad day.
Nothing exactly went wrong.
But have you ever just been so tired.
That you can barely keep your eyes open.
Have you ever had everything fall apart right in front of you?
Have you had a day where you are around everyone you love, yet you still feel bad.
Because something is making you feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up?
But you can't do anything about the situation.
Because it wasn't your fault.
But you blame yourself any way and doubt everything.

Haven’t you ever seen a knife before?
She slowly pushed it closer to me.
''Yes, I have seen one once before''
I think in my head of all the times I had picked up this knife, at night, in the afternoon and in the morning when I felt alone.
She pushed it closer once more.
Tempting me, she knew I was trying to stay away from this knife.
She, isn't even a person, she is apart of me.
A small part of me, trying to push me into the habit again.
I'm fighting it, I always will.

What do you think about ghosts?
What did you think of them when you were small?
Before they started haunting you in your sleep.
What did you think of demons, before they were pushing you down?
What did you think of depression?
Before you struggled with it yourself.
What did you think about people with Anorexia before you struggled with it?
I hope, you would think that the ghosts will someday go away.
I hope you found a way to find peace while sleeping.
I hope you found healthy ways to deal with the depression.
I hope you decided to get help when you struggled with Anorexia.
But, if you didn't, you still can do these things.
If you feel like you can't do these things you can!
You can get better, you can start recovery.
If you fall while in recovery then lift yourself back up, and find the strength once again to help yourself.

I will survive this life.
I will survive the nights when I cry for hours.
I will survive the moments during the day where I feel exhausted.
I will survive the moments when I feel like I cannot get out of bed.
I will survive living without them here with me.
I will survive.
I always have, because a part of me has always wanted to live.
A part of me has always told me to hang on.
But I need you, because I'm stronger with you.
I'm stronger when I write.
I'm stronger every day I decide to get out of bed and make the effort.

If I told you, everything that has happened, would you believe me?
Because they didn't.
If I told you, everything I said to him, would you believe me?
Because he didn't care.
If I told you, what he did, would you blame me?
Because they did.
Would you love me, and trust me, would you understand if I told you everything?
If I told you everything, would you look at me different?
Would you see me as a victim?
Because I'm not, I don't want to be seen as a victim.
If I told you, that I'm happy now, would you believe me even after everything I have gone through?
Because I'm not sure if I am.

When he looked into her eyes, his eyes were soft.
I could only see love in his eyes.
Even if he had only looked at her for a moment, I could tell that he loved her.
She was sleeping.
It was sweet, even if she wasn't awake and she would never know this moment happened.
He knew he had looked into her eyes, he knew he loved her.
These moments are the moments that are the most sweet, these are the moments that keep them going, that keep them together.

Dreams pass
Lives change.
The world keeps going.
People fall.
People pass.
The world keeps going.
People struggle.
People rush by without saying hi.
The world keeps going.
When will it change?

The multi-colored cat is sitting in the window.
It's looking out the window, curiously looking at the outside world.
The sun is going down.
The light is shinning on his fur.
The cat seems happy, he seems content in this home.
He will grow old looking out this window.
He has a home forever where he will be loved.
He will be loved, that's all he wants.

My life changed forever in the moment that later would define me.
That moment haunted me when I realized what had happened.
It happened, I know.
It's not my fault though.
I should have said no.
No, wasn't in my mind when the moment happened.
After I knew it was wrong.
I kept his secret and he kept mine.
Sometimes, I would hope someone would realize.
I hoped someone would tell me that this moment was not ok.
That I did nothing wrong, even though I felt ok in the moment in a way.
Why did this moment happen?

I need someone to hold my hand.
I need to feel the warmth of the skin.
I need you to understand I might be sad even when you do this.
Don't be alarmed if I suddenly break out into tears.
It's not you, I'm glad your here holding my hand.
Sometimes though even when I know someone is here for me.
I still feel the need to cry.
Because I feel things, and I see things, and life happens and it's hard at times.
So, don't run away when my eyes become filled with tears.
Because if you weren't here, holding my hand, it might be worse.

I'm sitting on our plastic bench.
My eyes are barely open, I'm looking up into the sky.
I see grey clouds..
Rain drops fall onto my face as I sit on this plastic bench.
The sky is crying, I wonder why it is sad.
Is the sky mourning a loss?
Is it going through a tough time?
Or does it just feel the need to cry and let the world know it isn't feeling alright today?
Does the sky need it's best-friend, the sun to cheer it up, or does it want to weep alone tonight?

Is it alright if I sit alone?
Is it alright if I sit alone, here with my cd's?
Is it alright if I sing the lyrics under my breathe, so no one can hear
Is it alright if I sit alone all day?
Because I need some quiet today.
Is it alright if after I have grown tired of listening to my cd's if I watch some T.V.?
Is it alright if while I watch T.V. I eat junk food and have a cheat day.
Is it alright if I sit alone.
Because when I am alone, I come up with the greatest ideas.
Because when I am alone, I have words flowing through my head for my next poem.
Tomorrow though we will sit together and do all these things.
But today may I sit alone?

As she walks down the road, she’s sees him. He is sitting on a park bench. The sun is beating down on his face he is an older man.  
She keeps walking by not realizing this man would someday have an important part in her life.
She keeps walking down the streets, she is going to school. She sees the people on the street but do they see her?
Did the older man see her? She sees him every day, wondering why he is there.

It's hard to hear your name.
It's hard to talk about you, when I know nothing about who you really are.
I want to believe that you are different.
I want to believe that you can show others who you truly are.
Because I only saw the part that wanted nothing good for me.
Do you care?
Do you miss me?
Do you ever hear my name?
Does the memory of me ever keep you up at night?
Do you ever want to cry, because of what you did?
Why won’t you admit it?

You will never understand how much it hurts.
Your empty words don’t help.
Don't try to make it seem like you care.
When you are part of the reason I'm feeling this way.

I want to be a butterfly
Butterflies are unique not one alike.
Butterflies use to mean nothing to me.
Until I started getting older
Butterflies fly and go where ever life takes them.
I want to be a beautiful yellow butterfly that flies and goes where ever life takes it.
A beautiful free butterfly with no care in the world is what I want to be.
So, gentle and loving, so sweet and beautiful.
I want to be a butterfly please.

Your love was never mine.
Even though I thought it was.
Because my love was yours.
I was so deep and I didn’t realize you didn’t feel the same.
I was blind, even though every sign was there that your love wasn’t mine.
Why did I have to fall in love, why did you not love me?
At times, I ponder late at night when everything has gone to sleep, I ponder if somehow i really wasn’t blind.
Maybe you did love me?
Will I ever know for sure, or will I always wonder?

He is the winner.
He tried hard to win.
He did everything right, but also, he did everything wrong.
I thought he was right, I thought he did everything right.
I wasn't looking.
We all wanted to believe he was doing the right thing.
After a part of me realized he wasn't the hero, that he did have flaws.
It was already too late because a part of me was already poisoned.
Poisoned by his thoughts that he drilled inside of my brain while trying to make it seem he was there.
While the world was living, I was trying to stay alive and I believed he was helping.
Did he save me at all?
Was he part of the reason I stayed on this world?
Or was I the one who told myself to hang on?
Slowly day by day I try to cleanse my mind of what he said, I try to realize I was the one who saved myself.
But in the end, he is the winner because I don't think I will every truly cleanse my mind.
I will never be the same person I was before he came along.
But every time I take another step into the other direction that he wouldn't have approved of, I am winning.
But I will never be the winner, I will always be trying to get him out of my head.
I will always try to tell myself he isn't right, because no matter what I do a little part of me will believe his hateful words

The masked face stares at me.
I can only see her eyes.
Is the masked girl friendly?
I reach out and try to grab her hand.
She starts walking away from me, where is she going?
I follow her and walk down this road.
She stops at this house, she says it is her house.
She hands me a picture of a baby, it’s her.
I walk further down the road stopping at different destinations that are important to her.
The girl stops and looks at me.
She says this is my life, she said it’s her life.
She starts walking again and I keep following her.
I see more pictures of her.
I see pictures of when she was a teenager.
I see a picture of her when she was 18.
But she stops and her appearance changes.
She takes off her mask, her face looks unhappy.
Her eyes look sad, her mask told a story.
She is fading slowly; her life is slipping away.
Tears roll down her eyes and she says good bye.

The dark angel is holding me tightly, I cannot be free from him.
The dark angel is becoming stronger, how do I let go?
The dark angel, is telling me that it isn’t worth it.
How does the dark angel get in my head? How does he get a hold of me?
Every time the dark angel has control I forgot how I escaped the last time.
I forget the happy moments when we talked.
I forget how to smile.
I forget that I have another Angel who is waiting for me, to guide me once I get back into the light.
The dark angel says he is my only friend, is this true?
Do I no longer have anyone else, is he really the only one?
I close my eyes and I know this is not true, because I remember the moments we talked, I remember how to smile, I remember that I have you.
I am no longer in the dark, the dark angel is no longer controlling me.
I’m in the light for now, I do not forget about the dark angel.
I do not forget about him holding me tightly.
I do not forget that he is strong, I do not forget him telling me it isn’t worth it.
I’m afraid.
Will I be pulled back into the darkness?
Will I be able to escape the dark angel again?
I fear I will become too weak and someday I will be too weak to fight him.
Will everything be ok?

Today is the day when I stop numbing the pain.
Today is the day when I face the mistakes I made.
Today is the day when I become who you wanted me to be.
Today is the day to change.
Is it ok if I'm no longer the nice girl?
Is it ok if I don't let you step on me?
Today is the day when I let your memory invade my mind.
I'm sorry I ran away for so long.
I didn't want my demons to catch me.
For a while, I felt nothing.
But then you came along and made me feel again, you left, I shut down.
Today is the day when I start feeling again.
Because I am figuring out that I do not need you, I can feel and still be stable

Today is the day...
Today is the day that I forget about you.
Today is the day when I let go of the pain you inflicted on me.
Today is the day when I let my scars heal.

What do you think of yourself? Late at night when your makeup has been cleaned off, when your insecurities are more easy to notice?
Do you feel that you can do anything?
Do you feel ok about who you are?
Do you see someone else late at night? When no one is around and you don't have to hide yourself anymore.
Are you pretty enough without your face being painted?
I know it's a struggle dear to not show who you are.
I know you feel you cannot do anything.
I know you beat yourself up inside.
You see someone who is broken and flawed.
The make-up is a mask, a cover up to hide the pain you feel inside.
I want you to know, that I see who you are.
Don't hide behind make-up.
Wipe it off, show your pimples and scars.
Darling be who you are when you have no make-up at night.
Be who you are when you smile in the mirror alone, before people's thought invade your mind.
Because I will love you, no matter who you are.
I will love you, without make-up and masks.

I made it another day without you here with me.
I wonder how many more days I will have to go without you.
Sometimes I think about how my life was when you were here.
My life got worse and I stopped living after you weren’t here anymore.
I know you’re out there somewhere living life, breathing, eating and laughing.
While I mourn you, I will always miss you.
I will always love you.

My father got me a new cell phone, another new change.
I wish I could keep my old one, because your number is in my phone that I have now.
I can’t put your number in my new phone, my parents will think I still like you.
I can’t like you, I can’t.
I need to move on, I need to move on.
You were my first kiss, my first love.
My first heart break.
I love you, I always will in a way.
I can’t be with you, never.
People would think it’s wrong.
I can’t believe all you wanted was my body, I can't believe you would want my body at all.
You say you love me, but then we don’t talk for months. It’s not your fault I know.
I received a call telling me you were missing, my world stopped.
I couldn’t breathe and I was crying.
I was sobbing wondering if you were truly gone.
Hating you because I thought you had run away and left everything behind.
I thought you had left me. Did you leave me?
Is it over? Should I let go of you and leave you behind?
Should I leave all the conversations and promises behind and pretend they never existed?

I need to know that two people can be happy together forever.
I want to see a couple who makes it, but is also happy.
I remember when I was little, I use to hear kids talk about how their parents are divorced.
I always said to kids, I’m lucky I have two parents.
But what kids didn’t know is that there was screaming and yelling.
Kids and teachers didn’t know how unhappy I was growing up because of my parents.
I was unhappy about a lot of things, I shouldn’t say I was unhappy solely because of my parents and how their relationship was.
I have never had a good example to lead me into the right direction, I never had a couple I could look up to and say I want to be like that when I grow up.
The relationships I have had fail because of one thing or another.
Every kid needs a good relationship, a good example to look up to.
I can’t say I have one and that might be why everything seems to crumble and fail.

This room has so many memories.
My cousin and I use to play games in this room.
I remember getting all the junk food out of the kitchen and spreading it across the bed in this room.
I remember waking up in the morning and trying to pick out what to wear out of the closet in the room.
I remember when no one was home, I blasted the music and danced in this room.
I remember being excited the first time I saw this room, it’s beautiful.
My mom painted this room, she painted it orange and yellow.
With hand painted flowers on the wall.
I’m scared to change the room; I’m scared I will forget what has happened in this room.
But, things change and it is time to make this room different.
This is my last night in my old room full of beautiful and sad memories.
I can make new memories though.
This will be a good change; this will be a fresh start.

I listen to music wondering if I will make it.
Will I make it another day?
I close my eyes and try to imagine my future, I see nothing but darkness.
I wonder if I will live a long life?
I’m fantasying a lot about death these days.
I need to relive this stress.
I try to distract my mind from this pain.
I sit with my parents and hear them talk about their day.
They went to a few stores, I didn’t go.
I didn’t want to face the world today, I couldn’t not today.
Maybe I will go somewhere tomorrow.
I think about how my parents would feel if they knew I cut, I need to tell them.
I’m putting it off, how do you bring up something like this?
I have to tell them; I have tried recovery.
I can’t do it alone.
I’m hoping they will understand.
I don’t want to hurt them; I don’t want to cause them more pain.
I’m ****** up, they have had to do so much for me already.
I wanted to be a good kid.
I don’t want them to regret their choice of adopting me.
Because I feel like my mom does regret her choice of adopting me.

My world is too dark, I can’t see.
My world is spinning to fast, I can’t breathe.
I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore.
Every time you text me, I’m hoping it says you still love me and that you made a mistake.
I wanted things to work out.
I have been hurt to many times, I don’t remember all of them anymore.  
I try to block it out, it does no good to remember.
It still haunts me though.

In the moment when he said it’s over, I couldn’t breathe.
I wondered how this happened.
Had I done something wrong?
I woke up, with the first thought being him.
I logged onto my computer, I was going to tell him I loved him.
I love you, I was going to tell him how much he meant to me.
Instead I got 3 messages saying it feels like were just friends.
He said sorry, I’m sorry I said.
I told him I didn’t feel like we were friends, I love him.
How does love disappear over night?
Had he been feeling this way for a while? why didn’t he tell me?
I should have handled It differently.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been different.
I’m sorry I couldn’t have been your forever.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t try hard enough, it’s too late.
I thought I was your inspiration.
Were friends, that's all we are now.
It's ok I don't mind, it's nice to be friends.
Someday, if you do change your mind and want me back.
I'll be here, I will be here waiting.

I don’t want to have to explain to my kids what the scars are on my wrist.
Will these scars stay on my skin forever and haunt me?
I need you tonight, are you here? I need a hug.
I don’t want people to stare at me, acting like I’m not a human being.
When you stare at me, I’m afraid you will see my imperfections.
I don’t want you to run away, I want you to stay please.
Don’t leave me alone to face this world.
I need you, please stay.
You are the reason I wake up; you are the reason I keep going.
I have felt the urge to self-harm so many times, but I don’t.
I stop myself somehow, I stop because I have to.
I stopped for you.

Your willing to wait for me, you told me you would come here.
I’m worried that you and I won’t be together forever.
I’m afraid I will push you away.
I’m sorry if I do, I want us to be together forever.
Someone once told me how hard it was to sleep alone, I never truly understood how hard it truly was until I meet you.
I wish you were here.
I love you, someday I promise I will be there and then things will be ok.
Things will be ok for me, I will have you around and I will be out of my parents’ home.
I won’t have the pain and burden of being around my family.
I will try to make things ok between us, I know it won’t be perfect forever.
We will have our problems.

My mom took pictures of me.
She used Photoshop on the photos.
Was I not good enough?
Was I not pretty enough that she had to use Photoshop.
The photos still look like me, but in a way don’t.
She made my pimples disappear she photo shopped my face.
She made my eyes look different.
Photo shop is my mom’s friend.
I know my mom doesn’t understand how much it bothers me.
It seems to make my mom happy though to make me pretty.

Mom, I’m coming home.
You said you had concerns that you needed to talk about.
It seems you want me there.
I love you mom.
Mom, I’m coming home.
Wait for me please, don’t leave.
I will be there; we can talk then.

Once when I was a little kid, I had a bad dream.
I called for my dad, I said daddy, daddy come here please.
I told him I had a bad dream.
He sat down on my bed and said I have the perfect solution.
He told me, when I close my eyes and the monsters come into my dreams spray them with a magical spray.
He said, it gets rid of monsters instantly.
If they don’t go away he said, I can always call him.
I never had to though, I used the magical spray he talked about when monsters came around.
When I became older though and I had demons haunting my head, the spray didn’t work.
I didn’t feel like I could talk to my dad.
I was lost and things were getting worse.
I stopped calling him, I cried and fought my bad dreams alone when I got older.
Where did you go dad?