I knew I shouldn’t have eaten, I broke my rule.
I shouldn’t have eaten; it was so good though.
The way the food felt while it was going down my throat, it felt amazing.
After I eat one thing I need to eat more, I can’t control myself after I eat one thing.
If I binge I could throw up after, that’s an option.
I haven’t binged yet, 1 sandwich and a smoothie earlier this morning.
Since I had the smoothie, food has been on my mind.
I wanted to be good, I didn’t want to eat like a pig.
I will have to punish myself tomorrow, no food for the fat girl.

Rows of machines filled the room.
Loud sounds and flashing lights.
Hundreds of people all there for the same thing.
I won enough that night to fix my car.
The first time felt like a high.
I was winning, I felt like I was providing for my family.
Night after night I went back, it became an addiction.

When you remember me, please remember my smile.
When you remember me, think of the way I laughed.
When you remember me, remember the way my hair looked in the morning.  
Don’t remember my cuts or scars, I’m not ashamed that I cut, but you are.
I want you to remember me running through the sprinkler or making silly faces underwater.
I want you to remember me wearing miss-matched socks.
I want you to know how much I loved you, because I really do.
I’m sorry if you are reading this, I didn’t want you to live a day without me there with you.
I want you to know it’s ok if you find someone else to love, someone you can make love with.
Someone who does your laundry like I did.
I want you to find someone who likes mint chocolate chip ice cream as much as we did.

The Bunny stares with round black eyes.
The girl felt that this bunny was important to her.
After all it was given to her when she was 6.
Her daddy bought it for her and gave it to her.
This bunny has gotten her through nightmares.
The bunny was there when her dog Amber passed away.
The girl snuggled up to the bunny and sniffed the stuffed bunnies fur.
It smelled like her mom’s cookies she use to make, it smelled like her old shampoo she use to use.
The girl cried when her heart got broken, the bunny was right there to comfort her.
When the girl’s mom said she hated her, the bunny was there to snuggle with until she fell asleep.
The bunny reminded her of good times, when her mom loved her.
It was soft and a beautiful pink color.  
The bunny was her best-friend.

If you asked whether I’d live the same life again a year ago, I know I would have said no.
If you ask me now if I would live the same life again, I would, I want to live this life again.
Even though it has been hard, abusive and there has been a lot of tears so far.
There has also been happiness, I wouldn’t want to trade those happy moments.
The sad times have made me the person I am today, I’m ok with how life is now.
I’m living and getting better each day, I’m happy with that even if others aren’t.

Mama please don’t hurt me anymore.
I remember when you hit me with a remote, it ******* up my hand for weeks.
You said I wasn’t worth your money.
You told me he didn’t love me, you made me believe he stopped caring, I believed you.
I measured my wrists and made sure I didn’t gain weight.
Fat, *****, gross, smelly, pig. Those are the words you called me.
You say sorry, you aren’t though.
You say I hate you, yeah in a way I do.
But you hate me too.

Children cry and sometimes get lost.
Bumps, bruises, scars, and sickness.
If your lucky parents are there to kiss you.
Dreams and Innocence.
Disney Princess.
Dolls.
No worry in the world.
Playing Barbie’s on the porch.
Riding bikes in the street.
Life is good.
Then you get older and things get hard, sometimes if your lucky things are still ok.
That wasn’t the case for me.

I’m sick, head hurts, ears hurt. My mouth is sour.
It hurts when I swallow.
I can’t eat much.
I am so lucky it’s also the time of the month.
My family has been sick lately and I have been taking care of them.
It was bound to happen, me being sick.
It's ok though gives me an excuse to sleep.

She took my life, but left me breathing.
Sometimes it was hard to breath, I felt like I was choking.
I lost my breath when she came near me, I didn’t know how long I had left to live.
I was dying slowly each day, life had no meaning.

I have my favorite cd’s on, with my snacks on my bed.
I am searching the internet for poetry that gives me chills.
I’m waiting until I’m tired so I can sleep and maybe even dream.
I hope I can dream about beautiful things.
I wish you were here laying in my bed, I wish we could snuggle.
I wish you could put your arm around me.
I want to wake up with you in my bed.
I miss you.

Depression.
Depression took over my mom’s life.
Suicide attempt.
Bullied when she was younger.
Made fun of because her mom couldn’t always afford nice clothes.
My mom went to college and became a nurse.
She didn’t see me grow up, she was to worried about her job.
My mom wanted a divorce from my father, the first time I heard them fight about it was when I was 13.
Pills.
No sleep.
Barely eating.
My mother stayed in her bedroom most of the time.
Sometimes she made me breakfast though.
When I was little I use to want to sit at the kitchen table, my mom always said no, she had bad memories from when she was a child at the table.
Be careful what you say, she might get mad.
I love my mother even if she doesn’t always remember she loves me.
She has told me she hates me 3 times, she doesn’t remember saying that.

Sad Poems.
Sad Girl.
Sad World.
There is no light, I see only darkness.
I can’t remember the last time I was ok.
Eating Disorder.
Self-Harming.
Binge eating junk food.
I can't remember the last time I didn't do those things.

I started writing again a year ago for the first time since I was 8.
I started again in the hope that it would help me stop self-harming.
A healthy way to get my anger out, but for the first time in four months I self-harmed tonight.
I have cuts on my wrist, I have scars there from previous times.
I will have to start recovery again, I thought 4 months ago was my last time.
I’m not angry with myself, I have relapsed a lot.  
4 months is my new record; I should be proud of that.
I’m sorry Alexis that you know I self-harm, I’m sorry you will see new cuts again.
I’m sorry Josh, you had been amazing towards me since you found out I self-harmed.
I’m sorry I relapsed again Josh, you told me to pray to God, instead I wrote poems.
I’m sorry grandma, I know your worried about me.

Girl and Girl.
Boy and Boy.
Girl and Boy.
Who cares, who people love.
As long as your happy.
I broke my family apart with the person I chose to love.
No one thought it was a good idea.
My grandma thought it was gross.
My mom swore she would love me no matter who I choose, she lied.
As long as your happy, my mom said she would be happy.
I was happy, I was happy with my choice.
People thought it was a faze, that I really couldn’t be happy with my choice.
The name calling started.
I got punished for my choice.

I remember the night we met.
I remember I use to keep you up all night and we use to sleep during the day.
I remember the first time we talked on the phone, you said my voice reminded you of Minnie Mouse.
I remember the first time I heard you laugh, your laugh reminds me of John Candy.
You said, I love you first.
I remember when I gave you an ultimatum.
You left for 2 weeks, no messages, no texts, no phone calls or emails.
I didn’t think you would come back but you did.
I said sorry and you forgave me.
I love you, I know I can be stubborn sometimes.
I know I don’t always think before I say things.
You make me laugh and giggle so hard sometimes you make my cheeks hurt.
You are my oxygen, I know that’s dangerous if you are my air supply, what if you decide to leave again?
Will I be able to breath?

Butterflies fly away, so will I someday when I get enough strength.

Magazine clippings, newspaper clippings and online photos fill my bed.
I sit there looking through them trying to find a pretty thin girl.
I need more pictures, I need inspiration.
Ana is talking to me again, she told me I’m fat.
I tried to eat and get better, I tried to rule my own life.
I missed drinking cold water on an empty stomach
I missed feeling like a cloud when I walked.
I missed feeling dizzy.
I missed having hunger pains and crying out in the middle of the night.
I missed you Ana, my only friend.
I missed all of this so much, I went back to all of it.
I am happy for now, until Ana rules my whole life again.

I sit in the shower and cry; you don’t know how much I want to die.

It’s hard at night, when I go to bed alone.
I keep the other side of the bed open, acting like someone will climb into bed with me.
Red flames fell out of the candle on my table I watched from my empty bed.
A starry night soaked in the rain. I felt so cold to sit alone, there was no one to talk to tonight.
When I wake up, I wake up alone knowing no one will make me breakfast.
I don’t have anyone to kiss goodbye before I go to work.
I don’t have anyone to hold at night.
I try to push on yet I had no strength left.
This incident gave me a wish, it’s all centered on you. I wish we weren’t single in our distant life.

This room is far too dark; I lay in my bed scared.
My demons are attacking me, leave me alone.
Please someone turn on the light, don’t leave me in this darkness.

She came home from school, she had to deal with bullies all day long.
She came home to her mom yelling, her mother was off her medications again.
Daddy was trying to calm my mother down, while saying hello to me when I walked in the door, I guess he didn't want her to feel left out.
In this situation she wouldn't mind if he didn't say hello, she wouldn't mind feeling invisible.
She goes to her room and gets a box off her shelf, It's full or razors.
She picks one out and walks out of her room, to the bathroom.
She looks in the mirror, she feels disgusted by what she sees.
She put headphones on and blasts the music high, she locks the bathroom door.
She climbs into the bathtub and starts cutting her wrists open.
One, two, three, four, five times she has cut.
Blood runs out, she lays in the bathtub.
She can't stop, she hits a vein, she screams it's all over.
She is a corpse in the bathtub of her parents home.

You came into my life 9 months ago, You changed me.
When we first met, you found me on the verge of death making a plan on how to die.
I was in pain, sometimes I felt like screaming.
I hide in the bathroom and turned on the water while I threw up so no one could hear me.
I cut my wrists and told myself I could stop, I was really addicted though.
You lifted me up, you showed me the light.
You said you wouldn't leave me, you did.
You always came back though.
You asked me do you know how much I love you?
I started smiling again.
My parents noticed a change, they started wanting me around again.
If something happens and you decide to leave, I want you to know you changed my life forever.
I will always remember you, I love you.

It's 3am I'm still up.
The moon is out and the stars are shinning.
We just now stopped texting, we have been talking all day.
When you said you needed sleep, I told you I will miss you.
I said good night sleep well.
You called me sweetheart and babe tonight, yes I noticed.
I feel high you made me *** 2 times.
I'm listening to music now and writing to you in the hope I wont miss you so much.
When will we talk again? Hopefully soon.

I sat in my chair, it was a brown, cream peachy color.
I put my feet up and snuggled under my blanket, I loved this blanket.
The blanket was so big, it had big blue and pink flowers on it.
I had a table next to my chair, my book was on there that I was currently reading.
I looked out my window and closed my eyes, I could see orange and yellow colors when I did.
The sun was out, it was beautiful and warm, I felt safe.
I kept my eyes closed and relaxed, I thought about my life.

I am a girl who hides behind a smile.
Everyone who looks at me in one glance could think that I am happy. I have everything that I could dream of.
Their mistaken, they should look at me more closely.
People should look at my long sleeves on a hot day, they should know something is wrong.
I don’t like eating in front of people because they stare.
If everyone took a little more time to notice someone, or smile at a person maybe the world wouldn’t be so sad. Maybe I wouldn’t be sad.

Broken Glass
Dismantled sharpeners
Razors
Knives
Box Cutters
The things I use to hurt myself.
Cut my wrist one, two, three times.
If I do it right red blood drips out.
It washes away my mistakes, it helps me it really does.
I get a high every time I cut my wrist.
I do it in the most obvious place, why hasn’t anyone noticed?
-written by a cutter that's been broken for 5 years and has a knife, razor and broken glass collection in my room.

I hurt when I saw him, my brain went dead and I couldn’t speak.
He looked perfect, I wanted to talk to him but I knew I couldn't.

Anger is in the air, it's choking me. Please help.

Every night I wish I could wake up somewhere else,
But every morning I am still here.

It’s 4 o clock and I’m still sleeping, I might sleep the whole day.
But I don’t, I rub my eyes and lay in my bed.
I think about my mom; I try to remember a time when we got along.
I try to remember good memories.
I remember the first time you said you loved me.
I remember my first love.
Happy days.
Rainbows.
Smiles.
Love.
I can’t remember when that all went away, I can’t remember when I started becoming sad.
I stay home now because I get nervous when I go outside.
I stay up all night and sleep during the day.
Knifes.
Razors.
Black clothes.
I’m tired, leave me alone.
I’m fine really, lie.
The cat scratched me, that’s where those cuts came from.
No one cares.
I’m sorry I’m not the happy girl anymore.

Country music reminds me of you.
I remember our first date; it was in the back of your truck bed watching the stars.
You said you would take me away from everything.
We knew each other since I was 8.
You are my best friend.
You were my first kiss.

She slipped through my fingers.
I couldn’t help her.

Hey,
It’s been a while since I wrote a letter to you.
I’m sad right now and this makes me feel closer to you.
I checked your Facebook, it seems like you’re doing ok.
I heard you have a daughter now, she looks beautiful.  
I sent you a message will you answer me please.
I’m sorry I hurt you Jake.
It’s been 5 years since we saw each other last.
You post old pictures of us but you didn’t post any of us this year on your page.
I have to live with my mistake every day of my life, please don’t hate.
I’m sorry I love you, you will always be my big brother.

I like singing in the shower, can you hear me?
I will sing to you if you want.
Maybe after we can lay in my bed, I want to know about you.
Tell me all of your hopes and dreams.
Tell me your favorite color, mines green.
How many girls hearts have you broken?
The hours pass and I feel like I have known you for years.

Throw a coin in the wishing well, close your eyes and wish for something.
I think of a million things I want.
I think of things I need.
I wish for my birth family to be in my life again.
I know I didn’t wish for candy
I didn’t wish for a guy to come back in my life.
I didn’t wish for world peace.
If you had the chance what would you wish for?

I had a picture in my head of how my family was supposed to look like.
Smiling faces.
My parents getting along.
No screaming.
I’m not sure why I thought that my family would be happy, funny and have a good life.
I learned early on that this wasn’t the case, I’m afraid to grow up and have a marriage that ends, have screaming in the house and have my kids wishing they could be dead.
Because that’s what my childhood was like.
I’m afraid to have kids, even though people say I’m nothing like my parents, people think I will be a good mother.
How can I be a good mom when I didn’t have one myself?
Don’t get me wrong I’m not blaming my mom, she did the best she could.

Be pretty she said, wear clothes that are revealing so guys will look.
I don’t feel pretty even when people say I am, I don’t know why I always felt like this.
Second grade, I was wearing coats to hide my body.
Third grade, the teachers hated me.
Fourth grade, I was stealing trying to get attention from my parents
My family was falling apart and I was tired.
Fifth grade, they pulled me out of public school, I don’t remember much from this year.
Years started blending together and nothing mattered anymore.
When I was 13 I started self-harming no one knew what I was doing.
I skipped meals I thought it was a good idea at first.
I’m sorry I have been so much trouble mom, I didn’t mean to be.

I’m breathing but barely, why don’t you leave me alone.
Can’t you see when we were together I was suffocating.
You told me I wasn’t good enough for you, you told me to change so I did.
I stopped seeing my friends and I stopped talking to my family.
You held me down and told me I wasn’t worth your time
You broke up with me 20 times, coming back every time saying you were sorry.

The lights are out; I can’t see anything.
The town is quiet; everyone is sleeping besides me.
I walk the streets of this little town I grew up in.
I see corn fields.
I see the library I use to love.
I see the local high school where dreams come true.
This town makes me sad because you’re not here anymore.
I want to see you again but that means I would have to go to heaven.
You had dreams of getting out of this town and doing something better, you said I could come with you to New York, we could travel the world.
Reality hits and I realize I’m not going anywhere so I lay down in the corn field and enjoy the stars.
We use to look at the stars together.
I miss you.

close my closet door and spend the night in there,
put headphones on and blast music in my ears. So I couldn't concentrate to ******* my thoughts in the hope that I would fall asleep.
I don’t want to close my eyes though and sleep for a lot of reasons.

I don't know if you experienced abuse before in any form.
You are scared to the point of checking your phone because if you miss a message they will punish you with twenty more saying you should answer right away.
You’re afraid to eat because of something that they will say.
Your scared when you wake up and when your breathing.
You cry yourself to sleep.
When the abuser acts normal and loving you stay because you love them and their old self is showing.
You enjoy those moments where it seems peaceful because it helps you get through the bad parts of when the abuse happens.
If the abuser acts nice your scared because you want it to last so you don't say anything and they think your behavior is weird.
I feel so lost and dizzy, I don’t know what is true anymore.

It's like the words of my mother haunt me, it haunts me in my sleep and in the day.
When she is my mother and she seems to care, it is easier to keep going. You live for the moments when things seem ok.

Butterfly
You use to mean nothing to me, until I started self-harming.
I came across the butterfly project.
You draw a butterfly where you self-harm and name it after someone special.
Don’t rub the butterfly off, let it wash off naturally.
If you don’t cut, your butterfly lives. If you do it dies and you draw another.
I cut on my wrists, so I draw a butterfly there.
I name my butterfly after my friend Michael, it is harder to cut if you name it after someone you love.
Someday I hope to stop cutting, I have a lot of support.
If you are reading this and your self-harming, please tell someone.
I’m here if you need to talk.
You are not alone, even if it feels like that sometimes.

Every time I swallow one of your excuses I lose a piece of myself.
If you don’t want to go out with me, tell me don’t give me an excuse.
Every time you go out with another girl, I confront you.
You say I’m not good enough and that you need a girl who cares.
I care, I care about you even when you hit me and told me I was a *****.
I won’t leave and you know that.
You make me feel like I can’t live without you.
Your right I can't live without you, I can't buy clothes or make my own choice of what I want to eat without asking you.

The girls flesh got picked off day by day, she was tired.
She wanted things to end, but she kept going because someone told her good things were ahead.

Her lips were stitched shut, she could not speak.
She couldn’t tell people she was hurting inside, no one would listen to her.
She couldn’t tell anyone she stopped eating, she hoped someone would realize.
She hid her scars, sometimes people saw them and stared, but they couldn’t do anything could they?
I wonder how long it would take for someone to know she was missing from the world.

Sometimes the word no isn’t always heard.
He looked at me and put his hand down my pants tonight.
I was drunk, I took his hand and pulled it out of my pants.
I said no.
He didn’t care, I understand not all guys are like this.
He pulled me closer and I tried to get up and walk away.
I screamed, no one heard me.
He put his **** inside of me.
I said no again.
He should have stopped, but he didn’t.
I slowly closed my eyes, thinking of something beautiful.
Please someone help me.

I’m dancing with Anorexia.
Pushes me this way and that way.
I try to run away but it pulls me back every time.
I'm addicted to it,
I'm addicted to the voice in my head.
When someone says you lost weight, I feel like I'm winning.

I drank too much, I passed out at 3.
You made me want to pick up a bottle and drink until I couldn’t feel anything.
I hate you.
I want to stop drinking, I don't want to come home drunk.
I don't know how to stop though, I don't know what to do.

She died, no one asked if I was ok.
I had to pack her stuff up and put it in the garage, I guess they thought that would wipe her existence away and make it seem like she was never here.
She was here though, she touched my life.
A life was lost, no one cares.