The mirror is foggy; I can’t see my naked body.
I suppose that’s good, at least I don’t have to hate myself in the mirror this morning.
But when the mirror isn’t foggy anymore, I will have to turn around so I can’t see myself.  
I’m ugly, who could ever look at me and love me?

I held her, I pulled her close to me until she felt safe.
I whispered in her ears telling her I loved her, did she feel safe with me?
I told her she was leaving this world, she asked am I going to a better place?
She died in my arms.
I looked in her eyes, she was at peace.
I love you Chloe you meant the world to me.
I know I wasn't always the greatest towards you.
You will always be in my heart.

Put the key in the ignition, check your mirror and adjust your seat.
You’re ready to drive right?
Turns the radio on and switches the channel to rock and roll.
Rolls down the windows, I’m ready to drive.
I  pull out of the driveway, I said I’ll see you later to my parents I told them I loved them.
Ding, Ding, Ding what is that sound?
Is it a new message on my phone?
A sound outside maybe?
It’s the alarm telling me I don’t have a seat belt on, it doesn’t matter nothing will happen.
I said goodbye to everyone, no one will miss me if something does happen.
My brother is in the car though,
I crash my car it’s over.
I yell and scream help my brother.
Blood is dripping down; the windows are smashed.
He’s dead, my brother is dead.
I should have told him to wear his seat belt. I was his big sister; I was responsible for him.
I'm sorry.

I loved drinking water on an empty stomach I waited for the water to slip down my throat.
I'm empty,
I’m cold, in a warm room.
I’m fat.
I want food, no you don’t need it. I love not eating.
78 calories 1 large egg.
95 calories 1 medium apple.
45 calories 1 small orange.
Eat it, throw it all up after.

When I ******* I try to think of straight guys,
I think about you though.
I don’t want to; I know it’s wrong.
My mom will judge me, even though she says she will be ok with whoever I end up with.
My family will think I’m wrong.
I have a hard time of going to church, because I think about what they would say if they found out.
I don’t want to be labeled.
I wish I didn’t feel this way, I don’t want these confusing thoughts and have to worry about what people will say.
Will you look at me differently once you find out?
I don’t know who to tell, I don’t know how to say it.
I think about her, I love her.
Is this normal? will I ever think the way I once did again?

I was dead before we met.
I was born again when you fell in love with me.
I lived while we were together, somehow even when things ended between us I find the strength to keep going.
But some days are hard and I struggle to even get up,
I don't lay on your side of the bed to make it seem like your coming back.
I keep your clothes in the closet even when I don't have enough room for mine.
I love you.

A little cut here, a little cut there.
No one will notice.
No one cares.
Hide the scars with band- aids and sleeves.
Cutting is the only time I feel alive.
I wont do it anymore I promise, lie.

He sat with her until she fell asleep, she knew who he really was.
He loved the girl and she loved him so much and even though things were falling apart with her family, she knew she had him and it all seemed to feel ok knowing that.
He told her to sleep.
But before she closed her eyes she thought about everything.
She was in his life for the moment she hoped she always would be. Even if she is not she is grateful for his existence here on earth.
Because he touches people lives, makes people smile and laugh.
Even though his life wasn’t the greatest no one knew but her of what he really had to go through.
She slowly closed her eyes while he lay next to her singing softly.

Her hands are breaking;
She sits at the piano bench waiting for her hands to be ok so she can play.
Her daddy broke her hands she’s so sad. Her daddy came home drunk she was excited to see him at first,
she sat at her piano that her mama bought her for her birthday when she was eight.
  She started to play for her dad but he got mad, so he threw her into the wall and broke her hands.
He was drunk again,
her mama wasn’t home she was out selling drugs to get some money.
She told her mama to sell the piano so she wouldn’t have to sell drugs for a while. But her mama didn’t sell it,
her daddy left and her mama died when she was 18.
The girl got her own place she brought her piano with her. She was able to play again because her hands healed.
She goes into her own world and forgets about her mama selling drugs. She continues to play the piano; she forgets about her daddy. The piano is the girls drug, her addiction, her medication

A new life was born, it’s a girl.
Her birth mom kept her for 5 months of her life.
She decided to give her up for adoption.
The girl was adopted by this family.
Her dad held her and said you will never be alone again.
She was loved for now, but things changed.
Her mom was on and off her medication most of her life.
The girl spent most of her time with her aunt and grandma.
The girl met her birth family things didn’t work out, she was sad.
The girl stated cutting and she stopped eating.
She wrote her birth family letters so if they ever met again it would feel like they didn’t miss anything.
She is struggling with the loss still, the first few years were hard.

Dear Anorexia, you told me you would be my friend. You promised thinness, happiness and you promised you wouldn’t leave.
You didn’t leave, you were my shadow.
You told me what I was allowed to eat.
You made me cry, you made me lose everything.
I felt numb, it felt like I was high.
When I walked I felt like I was floating on a cloud unaware of my surroundings.
Cutting myself the only time I felt alive.
I was told my fear of food may never go away, I was told my family may never trust me again.
My mind isn’t my own.
I worry about being lonely without you, sometimes I go full minutes without thinking about food that’s when I feel the most incomplete.
My voice was taken I couldn’t speak, without asking you if it was ok.
Toilets, mirrors, knifes, and razors are my friends.
You are my friend aren’t you Anorexia?

Unzip me now, take away all the layers do you see it? My heart is underneath. Please look at it for me, touch my heart see if it’s still alive. Love my heart it won’t be broken that way, I need you.
My heart is broken from your lies
My heart is broken because of your broken promises
My heart is broken because you keep pushing me down, don’t say you hate me maybe my heart will be fixed.
My heart is broken do you see it? Unzip my skin further take away more layers.
Do you see it now?
My heart is broken I can’t stand the pain.
Look at what you did it’s all your fault.
Daddy tried so hard to keep you together he lied and said you didn’t mean it when you called me a *****.
My heart is broken and you won’t be the one to fix it, I know that.

She was hanging there by a rope; she is a corpse.
She had a beautiful blue dress on and her hair was done, she wanted to look nice.
She is hanging by her window she was hoping someone would see her,
That’s all she ever wanted is for someone to see her, she felt invisible.
She thought about death, she never thought she would do it though.
She wrote a note, explaining why she killed herself, explaining why she had scars on her wrist.
Because everyone thought she was fine, no one knew she self- harmed on her wrist.
I’m sorry I had to do this, please forgive me. No one would find her, no one would care.

He was laying there in the hospital bed, he looked tired.
I didn’t think he would die,
He had one wish, he wanted someone to hold his hand while he passed.
So I did, I held his hand hoping he knew I was there.
I went back into the lobby, I sat in a chair waiting until there was more news.
Tick tock, tick tock, I look at the clock.
I see this woman with a child crying.
I go back into the room where he is,
It seems like hours pass, I walk around the room and wait.
I look at him, I slowly walk towards his bed and I lay with him to feel closer.
I hold him, I listen to his heart until it stops.

I remember when we were little kids.
We use to play with dolls in your mother’s front yard, until we got tired.
You got out your bike and tried to teach me how to ride, but I never learned I fell.
In the Summer when it was warm we played in the sprinkler, until it got to warm.
In Autumn we played in the colorful leaves, until your mom yelled and said rake the leaves.
In the Winter we played in the snow making snowmen, we had snowball fights and when we got cold your mom would make hot chocolate and give us warm blankets out of the dryer.
We played Battleship and Monopoly until we fell asleep.
Sometimes on the weekends if I were there, we would wake up before your parents and watch cartoons. We would eat Lucky Charms and Coco Puffs.

Another day passes by, while you watch others live.
All you seem to do is cry; You are broken, you are tired.
Your life is passing by you don’t care anymore.
You would **** yourself if it didn’t hurt your family, you can’t put your mom through more pain though.

I died inside, I would cry so hysterically as if it would bring him back to life.
I needed him, he had always been there.
He will never hold me again.
He will never come home with flowers for me.
He will never smile.
He’s dead, I’m alone.
I love you, someday we will see each other again.

Open me up look inside. Look at my soul, look on the outside see my skin,
look at the scars I have and you ask where I got them,
I lie and say I fell.
How many times can I use that excuse before you realize what I’m doing?
It’s been 2 years since I started this addiction, I get a high feeling, a release in a way.
I feel so good inside but I feel guilty at the same time, I want to stop please help me.
I don’t know how to tell you what I’m doing.
I don’t want you to be disappointed of me but I know you are already.

I’m the mistake, the failure, the lost cause.
I’m the adopted kid that keeps getting rejected I’m not really yours, you make me feel that way.
It takes a million sorries and I love you to make me believe that you really want me still.
Have you ever wanted me?
I love you don’t you see that?
I’m killing myself trying to make you happy, take your pills now before you say something you will regret, you already said you hated me

She stands there letting the water go down her body.
She closes her eyes, listening to the water coming out of the shower head.
She hopes the water will wash away the day.
She cries, she lies and says her eyes are red from soap getting in her eyes.

It’s quiet outside this morning.
Fog fills the air; I’m walking down the sidewalk.
The trees are a beautiful color, green, brown, and red leaves fill the street.
The wind is blowing and for now everything is calm. But the calmness won’t last it never does.
I don’t see anyone, I’m glad that way I don’t have to smile or talk to anyone.
My mind is cluttered full of thoughts; I don’t know what to think or say.

The knife is calling my name, the razor in the bathroom is screaming at me.
I look down at my arm and see the scars, I pull down my sleeves to cover all the memories the scars leave.
I try to get up and live, I remember the first time I cut I was 13.
I don’t want to live anymore, Goodbye.

I'm broken, yes.
I’m getting worse, the days seem longer and I look forward to the time where I can lay my head down and sleep.
Sometimes I can’t sleep though, it all started 5 years ago.

You’re not a kid anymore, your all grown up.
I’m only 15 though, but you act like I’m 21.
I drink to hide the pain.
I cut myself to release the pain, it’s an addiction now.
A few years ago I had life planned, but now it’s all blurry and I just struggle to get out of bed.
I just want everything to stop, Breathe. Just breathe.
How do I look at people? I let people down.
None of this matters now, I never mattered.
I still want to believe in a future but I’m stuck in this nightmare.

I loved her and she loved me.
But it was wrong, I wasn’t supposed to love anything.
I wasn’t supposed to love her.
People would think it’s wrong, people will judge.
They will stare even when I don’t do anything wrong.

I wish I didn’t listen to you, you told me I was fat, ugly and a liar.
You said I would become a drug addict like my birth mom, because you said I was gullible.
You made me feel awful to the point of measuring my wrists when I woke up, hoping I didn’t become more fat.
You are disappointed of me.
You don’t know I write, you made me stop for a long time because you said my writing wasn’t good.
You point things out that you see in yourself that you see in me too. But you don’t fix yourself you try to fix me.
You hate yourself for letting me see my birth mom, you took her away from me when I was starting to know her. Where you afraid I would love her more? That wouldn’t have been hard because I was starting to love her more.
You don’t know how dark my life was when I didn’t see her anymore, she was my second chance at having a mom.

I’m so tired I had nightmares that keep my eyes awake.
I’m Depressed I don’t feel.
I have an Eating Disorder.
No one can keep me from shaking and crying. Please help me.
Don’t you understand I feel fat already, you don’t have to tell me that I am.
Don’t you see that I’m not happy anymore, why don’t you help me?
Don’t you see my scars, do you even care?

I’m walking down the sidewalk going to the next store,
I look up and I see pretty girls.
I look down again fast hoping they don’t see me, Be invisible.
Thin, Pretty, Perfect hair, Beautiful eyes, and the perfect body.
I am, I’m just like them I’m beautiful,
I don’t have perfect hair and I don’t exactly have the prettiest eyes.
I’m fat I have curves and my waist isn’t a size 2.
I make eye contact with them and smile slightly, they smile back and say hello.
They talked to me!
Maybe my mom was wrong maybe I’m beautiful.

Shards of sadness filled my life,
Piece by piece it filled my heart until there was nothing but sadness,
Sadness has taken over, there is no helping me now.

I don’t have to carry my whole life with me anymore but I do.
Pieces chip off and I forget the little things.
But I still remember you, I always will.
I love you, you helped me through school
You helped me when things weren’t going well with my mom and me.
You meant the world to me, so why did you leave?

Month by month she was fading away,
Sometimes I saw who she really was.
She was a friend, a wife, and she was my mom.
Day by day it seemed to get worse but I sat with her and talked to her as much as I could.
Sometimes the memories come back of how it used to be, I remember her calling me a *****.
She told me she hated me, she said I ruined everything when really I was trying to fix things.
I loved my mom, even if she didn’t always love me.

I count every calorie of every day
Hoping one day I will be as beautiful as you.
I need to lose weight, you told me I was fat, gross, and a *****.
You wonder why I’m so insecure.
I’m not allowed to get mad at you when you hit me and make me feel worthless.
I look in the mirror thinking of everything you have ever told me, I think about all my imperfections and my mistakes I have made.
Sometimes I think about what my daddy said and I think I’m strong enough to leave you, but I stay and you know I will.  
I whisper loving words in your ear at night.
Praying you will do the same one day.

When is this all going to change?
I’m hungry, cold, and tired.
I don’t know where I’m going to be sleeping next.
I don’t have a home a place where I feel safe and warm.
My family is falling apart; they act like they will live forever.
Make up don’t fight anymore! I’m tired of dealing with your problems.
I’m dying inside and someday there will be nothing left, my soul will die and it will be all over.

The glass house sits there waiting to be shattered,
the people inside are the ones who will shatter it with their words and actions.
The people inside yell and everyone knows even though they try to hide it.
The girl inside is scared her parents are going to get a divorce. She hides and tries to not listen to the fighting.
She’s tired of having to keep going back there.
The other lady inside hates her she has told the girl.
It seems so hopeless but the girl still tries to make everything alright.
But she needs help herself but she will never ask the people in the house for it.
The glass house keeps shattering because of the mean words and the girl tries to rebuild it.
She wants to get out of there and she can but she is still afraid of what lies ahead. The girl is afraid she will fail.
Even when she leaves the broken glass house to spend time with the rest of the family she pushes them away she doesn’t want them to get hurt trying to pick up the shattered pieces of her life because she is hurt herself by trying to fix things.
What is the girl supposed to do?
She needs help can’t the people inside the house see that?
Don’t they care?
But in the end it doesn’t matter because it shatters slowly and then it breaks all at once
and the girl can’t do anything anymore she can’t fix the house, she could never fix it. The house was already breaking she didn’t see that though.

I’m lost in a million different worlds, I’m tangled and weaved into lives that aren’t mine.
At night I slowly fall into my  world hoping someone will comfort me tonight.
I lie and say I’m fine when I really want to scream.
I see you, I want to reach out and touch your face.
I see you every night. I want you to comfort me but you never do, you never did. Why don’t you?
I think I’m going crazy; I don’t want to see you anymore in my world.
Leave me alone! I hate you.

Everything had to be perfect. I had to have a knife, music and band aids.
I pick up the knife and slowly pull up my sleeve so my wrist can be seen.
I cut my wrist slowly thinking of all the reasons I want to cut.
I think about everything anyone has ever told me. I try to stop but I can’t.
I lied to myself and I keep telling myself I can stop.
Cut, cut, cut, blood.
The blood slowly goes down my wrist and I cry.
I want to stop I really do. I close my eyes; I sit down on the floor thinking about all my thoughts in the dark bathroom.

He slowly got up and leaned on me for support,
One foot in front of the other he slowly starts walking.
A little trouble but there he goes he’s walking.
A little fall but he gets right back up he’s fine.
He slowly walks to the front door opens it slowly and he walks outside on the porch.
He looks around like he is seeing everything for the first time, He looks at the trees, he hears the birds singing a beautiful song. He see’s kids in the street playing on their bikes.
Then he turns around and looks at me and smiles, I smile back knowing that I helped him walk now he has his freedom again.

My mom was holding my hand so hard it hurt. But at the same time it felt good because she never held my hand.
She never hugged me or even kissed me.  I wondered how long this would last her holding my hand.
I looked down memorizing her hand, her nails, and little imperfections.
I slowly looked up at her face, memorizing her eyes they are blue, her hair is a beautiful light red with little curls throughout her hair.
Her voice is special sometimes it can be very sweet to hear her, but at times I wish I didn’t hear what she said at all.
I wonder if she knows how much she hurt me, I wonder if she will be ok after I leave.

Take a gun to my head, blow it all away.
I don’t want to see your faces.
It’s too painful to remember you, it’s too painful to remember the memories.
If you’re going to haunt my life at least do it during the day, night is my only break but lately you haven’t let me sleep.
My eyes are open; my body is moving through the motions but I’m not really here. I’m somewhere far away in a beautiful world that I can't escape to often.

Knifes **** me, I’m bleeding I’m going to die.
I think of everything that has happened in my life. I had a picture in my head of how my life was going to be, how I wanted my life to be. But it’s over everything is over.
I lye still thinking.
  I’m thinking of my mother and how I wish I had made things ok with her. I’m thinking of my grandmother she is like my mom; I love her so much.
I always thought she would die first I was wrong.
I’m thinking of all the books I’ll never get to read now.
I’m thinking of my baby cousins who will grow up not knowing me.
Oh God please help me! I made a mistake.
I love you dad, I’m sorry. I slowly close my eyes knowing it’s over.
The pain is over, the yelling, the fighting is all over.
But it’s really not all over I open my eyes and see a white room with a T.V. on the wall and a cross above the doorway. It’s a hospital, did someone find me?

You’re killing me slowly. Can’t you see that I’m in pain?
I don’t want to get out of bed.
I cry when no one can hear me. I don’t smile anymore. I feel so sad at times I want to die.
Every day is another battle I have to fight!
I can’t love anyone or trust people because of you. Why did you leave? Why did you reject me I was just a baby when you gave me up? What did I do? Was I not good enough for you?
Even when I was older you rejected me again. But I want to see you.
  I love you. Please don’t go again. I need you. Don’t leave me alone.  Because I don’t know if I can keep fighting alone.

The sun is peeking through the fog; I’m sitting on the bench it’s for 4am or maybe 4 30 I’m not exactly sure. I hear the birds; the wind is blowing slightly on my face. I have some coffee; I wish I had tea though but it reminds me of you. I have so many things on my mind part of the reason I woke up at 4 I’m sure it was 4 this time. I have been sitting and thinking for hours. My coffee is cold now, the sun came out from the fog the wind is still blowing but a little more now. I should go inside and socialize but I’m tired so I’ll just keep sitting until I feel fine again.

I can’t subject you to my horrors, I can’t do it anymore.
It’s a new day but everything is the same except for the sky.
I’m tired of living each day and have nothing change, but I’ll look back a year later and realize everything really has changed.
Why do the bad things have to stay and keep torturing my sleep, my life and my brain it’s killing me.

What are you going to say at my funeral now that I have died?
Here lays the body of a girl, a friend, a person who had dreams. A person who wanted to do many things.
She is no was beautiful, she never thought she was beautiful. She was insecure and unhappy, she was serious and depressed.
She didn’t like her body, the way the fat held on and never let go. She hated the way she smiled when everyone else complimented her on it.
Here lays the girl that never got a chance to live she was only 15 years old. Her 16th birthday was in November, but she felt that she had been here too long.
Here lays the girl who will never read another book or ever get married. She will never have kids; she will never be able to make the same mistakes her parents did.
She is dead and it’s all over, the pain, sadness, and depression. Her demons will no longer torment her.

you're in my veins,
and I just want
you
out.
it's my fault,
you begged for me back,
I said no
every time.
but sometimes,
I still have to remind myself why
I can't text you
and tell you I still miss you.
I still see you in my dreams.
I can't listen to your favorite band or wear your t-shirts anymore.
at 1 in the morning sometimes I cry
and I'm blaming you.