Starving Artist

Starving Artist Apr 2018

I'm a slave to this heartache.
You've got me shackled up in chains.
Every time you speak I praise it like it was the voice of God and I trail in your steps.
Like a dog being pulled on a leash.

I know that I won't be able to keep this up much longer.
I can't stay chained to you forever despite how much I wish I could.

Because it's not healthy.
I can't keep running back to you just because you're lonely.
I can't keep comforting you when you're upset.
You'd never do the same for me.

I can't keep being your last choice when you're my first.
So I must release myself from your grasp and run.

Not because I don't love you, but because you don't love me.

If only you knew how much you mattered to me.

Starving Artist Apr 2018

Dear Anxiety

Get out of my life.
Leave me alone.
I'm tired of you constantly adding unneeded stress,
Telling me I'm not good enough,
Digging up these sickening insecurities,
And ruining my friendships.
I may not be good at anything.
But I still deserve to live a happy, normal life.
So just go away.
I no longer will stand for the constant
breakdowns in the car,
attacks in the classroom,
freakouts on vacation,
And the panicking while I'm trying to rest.
I want to be happy.
I want my friends.
I want what you stole from me.
I want my old life back.
And if you don't leave willingly then I will do everything in my power to rid you from my life.
Because
I
DON'T
WANT YOU!

Sincerely,
The happy child you buried in your shadow.

Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and somethimes, they win. ~Stephen King

Starving Artist Mar 2018

It's Not Fair

Why is it that you moved on so easily?
Why can't I?
It's not fair.

Why is it that he gets to be happy with you?
Why can't I?
It's not fair.

Why is it that you get my friends?
Why can't I have them?
It's not fair.

Why is it that you picked on me?
Why couldn't you just leave people alone?
It's not fair.

Why is it that I'm so ******* lonely?
Why can't I just have one person?
It's not fair.

Life isn't fair.

Hearts can break. Yes. Hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if we died when they did. But we don't. ~Stephen King

Starving Artist Mar 2018

What If

What if you never said the things you said to me?
What if you didn't do the things you did to me?
What if you kept the promises you said you'd keep?
What if you never lied to me and spoke the truth?

What if I never met you...

Would I be happy?
Could I have loved myself?

Or would someone else have come around to **** me up the way you did?
Or would I still wake up every day hating the monster that I've become?

What if I didn't love you?

What if...

Only enemies speak the truth. Friends and lovers lie endlessly for they are caught in the web of duty.

Starving Artist Mar 2018

Done.

I'm over this **** game we call life.

I can't win.

I'm never good enough.

I'm done trying.

I quit.

Why did I think I was ever enough?

Starving Artist Mar 2018

Dear Friend,

You were there for me through thick and thin.
Held me together when I was falling apart.
Picked me up off the ground after I've been shattered.
Carried me across the finish line when I was too tired to carry on.
Filled my lungs with air when I couldn't breathe.
Lifted my head above water when I was drowning.

You were so rich with love.

I'm penniless in the currency of love and maybe that's why you left.

Maybe you left because I was never able to repay you.

Maybe you never felt the love you gave out.

But I did.

I did love you.

I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel as priceless you really are.

Thank you for what you did. I'm sorry I'm so broken and such an ***.

P.S. Not much of a poem. More of a vent. But **** it really ******* hurts.

Starving Artist Mar 2018

I Knew

The day I met you I knew you were going to be special.
When I met you I knew I had just met the best friend of my life.
When I met you I knew things were going to be different.
I knew that one day I would start to fall for you.
And I knew that I would try to fight these feelings in an attempt to save our friendship.
But here I am.
Falling for you anyways.
I knew it would hurt.
Because when you fall you always hit something.
But I did it anyway.
And here we are, worse off then when we started.
All because I decided to speak up.

I fell.
And I hit the hard surface of reality.
I mean what was I thinking.
I was never good enough for you.
I'm still not good enough for you.
Now here I am.
The remains of my shattered ego spread out all over this cold, cold concrete floor of reality.
I'm at the bottom.

I knew I would be here after what I had done.
I knew that this would be the price I would pay for feeling.
And I knew that I would wish I had kept my mouth shut.
And I was right.

****. I'm stupid.