I think I'd like to just sit
In the gray of what's past
My eyes see it as awry and colorless
But I can still taste the memory
Feel it on my skin
I can hear laughter
Gentle whispers
And smell the scent of a desire incomparable to that of any prior or future
That isnt to say that the connections that have or will exist couldnt be better
But instead that they each have a unique aroma
Still
I'd like to sit
watching the gray
As this lingering scent
Slowly dissipates

The purest moments
Sitting on that bus with two and three
Standing in the cold with a constant ringing rhythm in my wrist
Nodding to strangers
Frigid air freezing lip smiles in place
Coins colliding with other coins
And stuck dollar bills
Rewarded by thank yous
Overpowered by the ever-ringing bell
Feet hopping from step to step
And stiff limbs doing a dance
Gentle banter with the cross brothers
Followed by the budding romance of the dimly lit bus
The near crushed dreams of next weak
The realization that all these experiences are temporary
The most pure moments
How I wish they could last forever
Though the thought itself is a piece of that same bittersweet purity

It's the simplicities I hear when you're not paying me attention
That make my feelings seem like nothing
That make my questions so hard to voice
Why must I feel as if the tone of the room must be perfect
Before I can shine a light on a problem

It's like a dream
Walking outside to find you sitting on the ledge of a ditch
Watching traffic
You always seem to find the perfect balance of speaking but still letting things be unspoken
And though they say I'm far from home
The drive has never seemed so short

I can no longer bare to read the words I wrote for you
For I have betrayed my past desires
I once wrote "how much can change in a week" when I didnt receive enough of your attention
Pretty bell boy, so much can change within just one day
And to write such things and overdramatize a few interactions is pitiful
But I am impatient and cannot help where I am pulled
And though it probably wont matter much to you
And you'll never know it
I am sorry

I wish the music would follow me out of my room
Trailing after my footsteps
Bringing me continued serenity
Filling the pit that would otherwise be a silent void

Sometimes you have to step away for a bit
Before the chaos of your brain combines with the paper and turns your flowing rhythmatic sentences into a mushy cluster of words and phrases that no longer make sense to you or anyone else

My words are no longer poetic
If they ever were at all
Now they're just a stream of me screaming my feelings
Or rather
Speaking them in a calm manner
Even if it's a thousand pleas
They will still be repeated with the same tone
I wish I could be more of a wordsmith
But all I can do is blatantly state how much I miss you
How empty it feels with you gone
How repulsed i am by the others touch
How terrified I am of losing more people
How shapeless all of my words are anymore
When did the words become a dependency rather than an art form

She says it wont be long
Till we see the sunny days again
But I was still hoping
That I could live them out with you

I dont want to talk to you
I like the you in my head
That makes me a bad person
You in reality are not the person I want you to be
I shouldnt have expectations
I should be content with you as you are
But I dont want to talk to you
Neither one of us have the energy to hold a conversation with the other
Perhaps if we just sat in silence it would be okay
But I dont want to talk to you
I barely have the strength to talk to me

It makes me want to be as violent as he
Hearing your false reassurances
Always having me make all the first moves
I want to to tear everything away
But I cant
Because that's not "me" anymore
The "me" now is refusing to let go
And you are
Refusing to let me know
What it is you want me to do

It shouldn't have to sound beautiful for me to say it
For me to think my feelings are valid
But i cant put a frustrated sob or a tight gut into words very easily
And I cant simply say exactly what things are
It wouldnt have the same effect
The same relatability
The mystery
The same dramatic flair

I know who he is
I can recognize him in a crowd
But when i try to remember what his face looked like
Gazing at me in a fond memory
It's as if he looks away before I can see
And I am stuck staring at a profile in my minds eye

I am so painfully tired
I long to push this feeling of immobility below
But I have not the energy to do so
How bitter is love to grant me joy
And then carelessly pull it away from me
Love is my drug
But this too I shall overcome
My words have no structure here
But I say them anyway
The night has made me lightheaded and aimless
As if I am in a drunken stupor
Farewell friends
I am off to tame the ever changing love

She wants me to be greater than her
While walking me down the same path she took
He asks me to wait
Without telling me why or what I'm waiting for

No one ever understands what I mean when I say it's almost as if I can control my emotions
I could stop being sad, if it didnt feel like I had forced a hundred rocks down my esophagus
I could stop being angry if my blood itself wasn't rushing like a stampede of buffalo
I could stop all the feelings if my brain didnt yearn to express them
The worst is repressing happiness
Stopping the happy chemical feels like a strand of fairy lights going out
I've only done it once
It wasnt like holding back anger or sadness
Not suffocating
Just blank
So as cool as being able to control your feelings is, it's no fun if it hurts
Perhaps it's just better to let them run their course

Bring me the happy words
Let them fall in my lap
As everything else does
And I'll do my best to handle them with care
Though they may crack in my hands
Tumble roughly from my mouth
And lose form on paper
Gift me a joyous phrase despite it all

I don't have the words
Your words
The words that bring me to tears
The words that comfort me more than the man of the ocean's melody
It's absurd
How I can have all these complexities within me
Only for them to be swept away when I try to convey them
I long for your way with words
The ability to speak in an impacting way
Forgive my sense of inferiority, friend
I know you hate pedestals
But I could never envision myself atop one either

One
Two
Three
Poems for me
One
Two
Three
Poems for he
One
Two
Three
Just like his name
One
Two
Three
Dont break the pattern
One
Two
Three
And we continue