Take me back to when you hadn't decided to wrap your arms around me
When I wasnt immediately intoxicated by your scent
When you didnt seem interested in my writing or my artwork
When you didnt curiously try to figure out the password to my phone
To when you would text with thoughtfulness
To when you would do anything to make me feel better
To when you claimed you wanted the route that would cause me least pain

But my preferred routes were not those of yours
And you wouldnt compromise
So you led me down your path
And claimed that at some point it would merge with mine
You held my hand as we walked down the trail
But turned back and fled just before the intersection
I ran after you to ask why you had gone
Why you had changed your mind
Why you had done exactly what I expected of you
Why you went against everything you promised me
Take me back to before you returned
Or back to when I was wanted

Existence is tiresome
But I would never end it
There are many happy moments
Like pacing the sidewalk
Joyous bell in hand
Greeting the people
Wishing them well
Smiles around
In those moments I want nothing
Besides to be warm and to continue my walk without pain in my feet
I dont want you
I dont want to leave
Merely to dance to a song
And be the brightest light
I thought it was odd
How the thought of you didnt sound appealing for once
That I was content with me again
I didnt have my head in the clouds
But still not down to earth
Just floating in outer space
The way I prefer it

Dont say you care about me
Dont say my name
Dont ask why I'm sad and not pursue the thought when I say I'm not sure
Dont ask what I'm doing and then not be curious when I say art
Dont talk to me all day and not have anything interesting to say
Dont call me cute when you know you dont like me
Dont hold my hand
Dont give me hope and then let me down again
Dont purposely do the things I ask you not to
Dont be a ****

I dont want to talk to you
I like the you in my head
That makes me a bad person
You in reality are not the person I want you to be
I shouldnt have expectations
I should be content with you as you are
But I dont want to talk to you
Neither one of us have the energy to hold a conversation with the other
Perhaps if we just sat in silence it would be okay
But I dont want to talk to you
I barely have the strength to talk to me

There is a weight on my head
I am perfectly capable of lifting it
I could toss it away at any time if I so desired
But to lift it would disturb me for reasons unknown
Performing an action such as venting the frustration and uncomfortability of the weight lifts it in a more pleasant way then forcefully moving it away
The weight has not been completely removed
But it is slightly more bearable
Perhaps I could gain the mental strength to leave my bed and rid myself of the anchor hooked on my skull
Or I could continue annoying others into doing it for me

I can no longer bare to read the words I wrote for you
For I have betrayed my past desires
I once wrote "how much can change in a week" when I didnt receive enough of your attention
Pretty bell boy, so much can change within just one day
And to write such things and overdramatize a few interactions is pitiful
But I am impatient and cannot help where I am pulled
And though it probably wont matter much to you
And you'll never know it
I am sorry

I am so painfully tired
I long to push this feeling of immobility below
But I have not the energy to do so
How bitter is love to grant me joy
And then carelessly pull it away from me
Love is my drug
But this too I shall overcome
My words have no structure here
But I say them anyway
The night has made me lightheaded and aimless
As if I am in a drunken stupor
Farewell friends
I am off to tame the ever changing love

One
Two
Three
Poems for me
One
Two
Three
Poems for he
One
Two
Three
Just like his name
One
Two
Three
Dont break the pattern
One
Two
Three
And we continue

A boy so simple and bland he hardly deserves a title
A little hunter boy fascinated by a fish
To get its attention he asked many questions
His bait was a stare and a shallow dip in the water
The fish didnt bite
But the boy waded in farther
Curious, the fish swam in close
Cozying up to a potential friend
But suspicion soon crept in
That true intentions were hidden
The boy said no
That it would never be so
But a few days it had been
And his affection had dimmed
The boy had enough
Of the poor fish's love
But what he didnt have was the courage to say goodbye
Murky blank eyes confessed what he couldnt
But dare he admit the fish was right
To soften the blow he gave a false prize
Promising to continue to greet his short lived companion
But all that was given
Was the poor mans rendition
Comprised of occasional apathetic glances

The little hunter boy still lurks by the ocean
Entrancing the passerbys

The fish peeks out of its reef of stars sometimes
To watch him continue his ways

But silence

A bell rings in the distance

I asked you to make me crave you again
And you did as I asked
Only to tear me apart once again
Tell me to stop one last time
Brainless boy

I'm drowning in the newfound freedom of returning to the words I once left behind
The words allow me to sink further into my mind
The words embrace me like an old friend
The words comfort me when I cannot run to a past lover
When I cannot cry on my friends shoulder because he is more troubled than I
Cover me in my blanket of words
Let me rest
Let me only be woken by one that could console me in a more pleasant manner

Maybe I dont want to be seen as anything
I just want to be seen
Lose your perceptions of me
And I'll try to lose mine of you
For everytime I am shown something I know,
I fear,
"Oh, I'm the _ girl",
And that the whole world will know me for enjoying a thing I cared only minorly for

Sometimes you have to step away for a bit
Before the chaos of your brain combines with the paper and turns your flowing rhythmatic sentences into a mushy cluster of words and phrases that no longer make sense to you or anyone else

The purest moments
Sitting on that bus with two and three
Standing in the cold with a constant ringing rhythm in my wrist
Nodding to strangers
Frigid air freezing lip smiles in place
Coins colliding with other coins
And stuck dollar bills
Rewarded by thank yous
Overpowered by the ever-ringing bell
Feet hopping from step to step
And stiff limbs doing a dance
Gentle banter with the cross brothers
Followed by the budding romance of the dimly lit bus
The near crushed dreams of next weak
The realization that all these experiences are temporary
The most pure moments
How I wish they could last forever
Though the thought itself is a piece of that same bittersweet purity

You were the one to sit next to me
Voice my thoughts of familiarity
You were the one who thought I was pretty despite being bundled in layers of clothing to keep warm that night
You were the first to say truly charming things
And make cliches your own
My friends can call me immature
Naive
But I want to know this perfect yet penniless prince
And how your life had to be so
What flaws are within you?
Please let me continue
Chasing my pretty bell boy

I don't have the words
Your words
The words that bring me to tears
The words that comfort me more than the man of the ocean's melody
It's absurd
How I can have all these complexities within me
Only for them to be swept away when I try to convey them
I long for your way with words
The ability to speak in an impacting way
Forgive my sense of inferiority, friend
I know you hate pedestals
But I could never envision myself atop one either

Bring me the happy words
Let them fall in my lap
As everything else does
And I'll do my best to handle them with care
Though they may crack in my hands
Tumble roughly from my mouth
And lose form on paper
Gift me a joyous phrase despite it all

No one ever understands what I mean when I say it's almost as if I can control my emotions
I could stop being sad, if it didnt feel like I had forced a hundred rocks down my esophagus
I could stop being angry if my blood itself wasn't rushing like a stampede of buffalo
I could stop all the feelings if my brain didnt yearn to express them
The worst is repressing happiness
Stopping the happy chemical feels like a strand of fairy lights going out
I've only done it once
It wasnt like holding back anger or sadness
Not suffocating
Just blank
So as cool as being able to control your feelings is, it's no fun if it hurts
Perhaps it's just better to let them run their course