I ink my arms when i am down in order to keep myself from cutting them
I create beautiful stories of the love i hold for you in my head that are then mostly forgotten as i wake
Lanterns mean so much to me not solely because of their beauty but because they remind me of how i let go of one i had in my life a long time ago
My weird habits likely stem from people in my past who i still hold on my heart, maybe just a little
I have a collection of over twenty entirely empty composition notebooks solely to fill with my poetry in the future
I may have a problem because i still want more composition notebooks when i’ve only filled three
I decorate my room and clean it myself not because i’m OCD but because i believe i’m happier when my surroundings are clean, another reason i want to leave this city
I love to go on trips because i hate where i’m at, the people here are as trash on the inside as this city is trash on the outside
Style makes me happy and satisfied even if i can’t keep one of my own, i like to believe that i am just too disperse for that
Looking into my eyes in the mirror as i cry is soothing and you will find i do it a lot
My favorite flower is anything but roses because what a cliche right? but i still want roses on valentine’s day
I will never admit my addiction to chocolate as more than a joke because when someone starts believing it is a problem for real, so will i
My music taste is spread far out to where the only things i can’t stand are things without lyrics, also some techno is acceptable
Why do i think you need to know this? who knows
I guess to let you know that i am deeper than this screen you’re looking at shows

I can no longer wake up and watch the sun rise blissfully over the horizon with my only friend
I can no longer feel the air on my face and the pedals below my feet as i ride on my bike, singing the same song over and over like the path i ride which is round and round
I can no longer hear a door crack and a quiet “are you up yet” from my mother’s soothing voice
I can no longer find all the comfort i need in the rays of sunlight and hundred cuties i would take in a day, every single day
I can no longer chase after the only truck we were allowed to approach because who doesn’t trust the ice cream man?
I can no longer simply live to be happy and be happy to live
Bring me back to when that was every day
Bring me back to when sitting in a plastic chair every day in order to one day barely be able to support myself wasn’t something that meant so much
Bring me back to when the color of your hair and the size of your body never mattered
Bring me back to when the weekends were a time for friends rather than a time to catch up on everything you are behind on
Bring me back to when the homework took twenty minutes rather than five hours
Bring me back to when i didn’t have to worry about cherishing my social life because i didn’t need to have one but i did
Bring me back to when things were simple and the life i lived made sense
Not to now where the only sense i’ve gained was to pick up a book and read all night if i want to make enough money to feed myself one day
Bring me back

You see i have a condition
One you’ve surely never heard of Because it doesn’t exist
When my mom was asked to describe it to my therapist she said
“I think she just has a hard time dealing with things...with everything. Even normal things.”
Which is very much true honestly, i can’t even look at pretty girls and not throw a pity party
In fact sometimes a pity party feels better than the sixteenth birthday party i would have had were it not for all of my own problems
Like not being able to accept that all my birthday party decorations HAD to be pink (gags)
Of course there is full truth to me not always being able to handle normal things
Heck i had a mental breakdown when i couldn’t figure out how to put my gift card on amazon (btw there was no way for me to do so)
And again when i couldn’t decide for myself if i wanted mint green in my hair or not since it was only going to be a small amount
And again every time my boyfriend says “you need to decide somethings for yourself. i’m not making this decision for you.”
I can barely get through getting a normal amount of homework done, not to mention the fact that i have extra because of my special classes and my high ranked school
By the time it’s all over and i’ve stepped off the bus i’m done and have to force feed myself the knowledge like i have to force feed myself food because i’m just too skinny
Once again i can’t eat as much as everyone else and the thought of eating in front of family every holiday kills me
How i’m still alive at this point when i can barely deal with having to unload a dishwasher i don’t know
I don’t mind things, I just don’t know how to handle them
I guess the way my mother put it was right
I simply have a hard time handling everything.

Maybe you can't get to me
Maybe I'm just a princess inside her tower
Not knowing you're out there
Fighting for me
Or maybe you aren't trying to get to me
And I’ll be locked away forever
Or until someone else discovers me
And thinks I'm worth fighting for

But I will never know the truth
Until someone shows up in my room
Maybe it’ll be you
Or  maybe another fighting prince
He will wake me with a kiss
And carry me off into the sunset

Or maybe no one will come
No one will see me worth fighting for
Or maybe I'll always be undiscovered

A princess hidden in her tower
Waiting for someone to notice her
And think I'm worth fighting for

But maybe that's not the truth
Maybe I'm not worth fighting for
Maybe I deserve what I've got
And that's why you're not here yet

Maybe you're not coming cause you hate the true me
Maybe you just choose not to care
Maybe I'm not worth fighting for to you anymore
And I know I'm not the best choice
I may be the worst
But maybe you'll forgive me
Even though it hurts

Hurting you was my spindle move
Which I now regret
Dosent matter what I'm wearing anymore
I don't have your compliments

And now I'm in my tower
With all my fear and regret
Daydreaming with closed eyes
Thinking 'bout what I said

Partially hoping you don't come
Partially hoping you do
So I can tell you I'm sorry
For making my spindle move

And maybe it hurts me
Worse than it hurts you
Just knowing that I cause you pain
Is enough to **** me through and through

i fell in love with the idea of having another life in my room
not just me in this decorated box
not just me in this hollowed out block
but my life and another’s
alone in what i consider my comfort zone
listening to the rain through all the storms
watching as the sunshine floats through the window like glitter
and through all of this
the only life i want to share this with is yours

how strong can one stand
against the powers of their own home?
pushing against the weight of the walls
closing them in from the outside
questions and answers, always the same
you may not leave this home today
pushing and pushing forcing a fit
they’re old enough now, snap out of it
the only way out is through the glass
around the fame a body will pass
free in the night, oh where will they go?
anywhere because anywhere’s better than home

hell in a body
thats what they call me
eyes so glassy i can’t even see
tears flowing down with my anxiety
getting yelled at living life too selfishly
being told that i’m a spoiled brat only
being hated because i’m so lonely
being hated because i live quietly
being hated because i am me
hell in a body
that’s what they told me
that what i experience
that makes me lonely
that’s what causes tears
so much that i can’t see
that’s what causes all
my anxiety
that’s what causes hatred
to boil in my heart
not for those around me
but for solely my own self
hell in a body
that’s all i ever feel
too tired to even try anymore
too weak to even move
my body burns down
like a house i should live in
leaving behind ashes and black
i want it to all be over
hell in a body.