The ache in my heart is the pulling of roots
Finding sustenance in my vulnerable cracks
Distending my veins and expanding my horizons

Rhizomes shoot from my eyes
No, i am not a potato
As I watch myself grow i find myself beautiful and horrifying
At various intervals
From various angles

The character of the experience is specific
And if i were god I would know it
Why does it make mistakes
Look at all the others
It doesn't always glorify me
It lives to belittle me
How could you even suppose you might be god when it's so obvious you're Satan?

And it's weird to look outside of that paradigm,
So stigmatize that.

And being transgendered is weird,
Not normal or obvious in any way at all.

She don't wear makeup,
She likes girls

Check yesterday,
When she was my world

When manifested,
Love feels right

But something's wrong
In paradise

Now I'm thinking of the...
Crown of brown hair
And the callous on your finger.
All the wilderness in you,
Pray the taste of it may linger

If love feels right, then it's good, and I'll accept it
He's not carrying the light,
She's not taking no exceptions.

No

She wakes up early
Cigarettes

She grinds too hard, man
She's a threat

Her salty skin will
Leave you blue

Cause boy, you never
Had a clue

Now I'm thinking of her
Crown of brown hair
And the callous on your finger
All the wilderness in you
Pray the taste of it may linger

If love feels right, guess it answers any question
He's not carrying the light
She is vested in resentment.

You,

I understand why you hate me.

You,

I do.

You,

I understand why you hate me.

You

I do, i do

And I'm thinking of the
Crown of brown hair
And the callous on your finger
All the wilderness in you
Hope the taste of it may linger

If hearts have hands, we could conquer any moment
If I lost my way
Maybe someday you could show me

Crown of brown hair
Callous on your finger
All the wilderness in you
That the taste of it may linger

If love feels right,
Then it's good, I will accept it
I'm not carrying the light
She's not taking

Exceptions

if we were like an orchestra,
what would it sound like?
we're like a growth of self-replicating instruments
assembled haphazardly
with some spots really glowing...

twisting, splintering, breaking
airy and light, slow and morose
snapping strings and shards of wood
set off their chain reaction
inspired pieces, conversation
and wild innovations...

can you hear it like i can?

I shrink at your memory
But need I shrink?
In my current state I'm like a worm
Reminiscing on days when I'd chew at leaves
Lush and verdant
Summer eves

Gorgeous girls, the worm remembers
My mandible all over them
Intricate, designed by God
The worm shall shrivel up
And die.

What talent belies the aging boy?
Fost'ring there an ancient flame
Once was used to get him here
Now he flickers with his shame.

Tearing there upon his skin
Between victors and those whisked away,
He is peeling off the edge--
And can you see it in his eyes?

I sit down on the couch in the lower-level den of my house
and I think once again about all the things I don't know.

I'm thinking about
The back of my head
The bottom of my heart
The backs of my hands

The top of my lungs

I'm thinking,
Okay. I am just a man
And I need to figure out how this body works best for everyone
I don't mind it, let's just dance

She really begs a designed man,
Someone with sharp edges
With a defined shape

Chiseled near perfection,
He works his lot
He plows her fields
And speaks too clear--

Too clear for her to deny
Him his skeleton throne
He wields it like knives,
Dresses it with respect.

Here I am designing myself,
A man planning his destiny
And don't think you distracted me
When you're coaxing out the best of me.

This autumn,
We are together
In high harmony
Morning light
Breaks through
The yellow and orange leaves

You found a couple gray hairs on my head,
Sitting cross-legged on my bed--
Picking them out,
You stirred a new ingredient into my blood.

We give each other massages
And trade stories like little trinkets between us
This winter will be fine for love.

It's a rare summer, and too kind
When the sky becomes your skin
And I walk into this dream
To take you in

It came from an accident.

From two people who met, loved, and sputtered out.

It came from adoption. From a family in the suburbs around Philadelphia.

And it came from Nowhere, as my brain put out feelers around her
and learned she was real.

It came from Fantasia-- from classical dinosaurs, and from Mickey Mouse with little dancing brooms, and from a line that vibrated with the music.

It came from Love, a word I learned.

It came from feeling like the weird kid in school.

It came from chorus, learning trumpet, and Boy Scouts.

From losing young friends and Sugar We're Going down coming on mtv2.

It came from nooks and crannies and trinkets from my life I am sweeping by and not mentioning.

It came from confusing therapy appointments and being told to take medication.

It came from my first guitar at age thirteen.

From losing control and breaking everything in my house and going to a mental health clinic. From cutting myself because I don't know, other people did it and I'm sad.

It came from puppy love with this cute girl who was pretty averse to me at first. And from sneaking over her house when no one was home.

And it came from identifying myself as a poet, songwriter, a kawaii emo kid who could hang with anyone (but maybe not some of the popular kids).

It came from being arrested for trespassing on accident, not believed, and then put on probation. It came from sleeping in past the bus and then being sent to juvenile hall for truancy. It came from a burning hatred for authority that hurt my life for no reason.

It came from feeling mishandled by my parents but also whiny and unable to stop whining.

It came from Latin class and AP English and Music Theory classes, and my high school sweetheart who is forever my personal Goddess of Music. But I don't think about her much anymore.

It came from feeling self-conscious about being a slow reader.

It came from seeing myself as an intellectual, and from being watched all the time by the government.

It came from starting to realize my brain gets depressed, grandiose, understands the world through fixations, and is sort of a lopsided brain.

It came from high school antics, starting to smoke ****, and becoming interested in the truth about drugs.

It came from starting to realize I was way too invested in these girls, and wow I really let myself become a **** sometimes.

It came from going away to college in the middle of Pennsylvania.

It came from an interest in psychedelics and probably overdoing it a bit and an incident where I hit my head that really had me spinning for a while.

It came from dropping out of Bloomsburg.

It came from starting to feel like I should know what I'm doing by now and for the first time, feeling like an adult lost in the world.

It came from going back to school and meeting a cute older girl who was Scandinavian and new and exciting.

It came from living like a rock star in a college town, delivering food and going where the **** I wanted when I wanted.

It came from my last time losing my **** over this girl. From realizing I am in control of how I react, and finally developing a callus.

It came from a very bipolar drive to Miami and back to Pennsylvania without looking into any new places like I planned.

It came from having to live back home with my bad memories. From an uncharacteristic DUI and banging my head in the cop car until it bled.

It came from getting another DUI for **** because my headlight was out and I got pulled over, but I was driving perfectly.

It came from having to be involved with the law again, and being depressed about that girl, cutting myself and admitting myself to the mental clinic.

It came from my parents really getting on my nerves, and it's not just me.

It came from losing my temper and breaking the TV and my dad's windshield with a baseball bat.

It came from not being allowed back home after admitting myself to the mental clinic again, from being set up with a room in the next town only to have it be destroyed by strangers and kicked out.

It came from living with a new friend, partying all the time, selling **** for money, and living in hotels.

It came from having to get away from all that and working hard as a landscaper. From patching things up and moving back home.

It came from losing probably my tenth job because I didn't show up, and getting depressed again.

It came from throwing that shoe at the wall. From my dad coming downstairs and me yelling at him to shut the ******* door. From my brother being rightfully angry at me because I'd been a **** and throwing his iHome at the ground.

It came from my parents calling the police on me when I was on probation.

It came from de-escalating, talking to the cops, and then using my coping skills and riding my bike after that, but it came from finding my tires slashed and failing myself, storming off and busting things up (only insured things) with rocks.

It came from the police surrounding my house and taking me off to jail, from that being the last time I'd ever see grandpop alive. We caught you on surveillance.

It came from five hard months in the county jail feeling very scared and not treated with justice at all. Except I thought maybe God is treating me with justice.

It came from re-assessing myself and taking some time to breathe.

It came from being locked up again two months after that for smoking ****, for a month and a half long sentence.

It came from behavioral health court, which promised to lower my charge from a felony if I passed this very strict program for a year.

It came from only being able to let it go about 50% of the time and from deep resentment for my parents built up over the years.

It came from being accused of doing opiates when I didn't, and from being reprimanded for not trying hard enough when in truth I was. It came from my psychiatrist is on vacation, and that's why she isn't answering. It came from I know myself, and I don't need medication.

It came from even deeper anger at the system but now I'm an adult. And it seriously helps some of these people, and they really do care I guess.

It came from not being sure if I'm trying my hardest but I'm going to apply here and work on something today.

It came from feeling like a complicated mess no one wants to listen to.

It came from getting up early every day to see if I have a drug test and biking through the freezing cold to make the bus if I do.

It came from love, that's a word I learned.

This garden has grown wild.

Here the marigolds choke,
There the thistle blooms,

Here the tulips suffer,
There the daisies revel.

There's a ******* with a waving cloak
Here to there, and never home
To answer for this lazy show

Here the roses luster;
Blistered, each begonia

Ivy spreading readily
Dead, my rhododendron.

Whenever time is fertile you should seed or you should swallow,
Depending on the moment.

And when you know it, you know it.

The door tried to be mad at me,
But I used my thumb to mute its noise.

Then I felt vindictive (I think the door was disappointed)

A seething soul tried to manifest,
But I held my tongue and they prowled on through the universe.

Some part of me smirked but did not strut.

When's it gonna drop

When's it gonna drop

When's it gonna drop

Now those hot scars have faded.

Coolness is replacing where the ropes burned
Where the lesson was learned
To fight the binding fear of constriction
Listen to the heat of your blood
Accept it. and cool the body

Now I tumbled out onto the floor
and I am standing up once again.

I mutter something about what she did to me
And think of the girl with the tattoo on her wrist,

I MUST NOT FEAR

inside feels like a wild howl
something i cannot really swallow
nor rattle the air
with enough depth nor gravity

muscles seek the configuration
no, they hang loose and wallow
and why don't they dare?
apathy turns my days
wan, sickly shades

when i face myself with the joy of life
when the configuration is found
i feel i have opened the gate of heaven
i am surprised to find
i can sing a beautiful song!

yet
my sob, the deepest well, so't feels
inside my throat, when i cried in jail
her naked, cheating body, steel
when three years have not cooled these tears

american ways of feeling pain
i'll never feel that way again
it's only a life sentence, and
i only love her once.

You're a slippery devil--
When there's not enough,
You'll say I didn't try.

I'm black as ink
Because I see straight through
To the center

*******,
I love you better

Simmering lies
Life in the summer
Bumming a cigarette
Wwwwhat a ******

I'm white as light
Because I float on the surface

Here and there--
That is my purpose

Shimmering why's
Quivering eyes
Struck with the ink
That the blacklamp supplies.

Strange things happen in the quantum foam of the universe,
But perhaps the strangest is you.

Your weird suggestions of normalcy do not fill the universe's cryptic appetite.

The answer you provided meant strange symbols in the sky
So stay here, trip out for a while
And when you return...
What did you learn with your flitting eye?

I think focusing is a bad idea
Let the waves wash over you
Instead of focusing, try maximizing
I mean, what the hell
Does anything mean.

The conditions, the circumstances
The setting
Has to be right
For us to succeed.

So if I ever do
It's definitely because I tried.

I think 'trying' is another word for
The last time I died
And we have to put paradise somewhere
In life.

So just lift me up
Move my limbs towards that goal
What we do inside, no one knows but us anyway
So just hold me down
I don't promise not to scream
You're as real as you are fake
You're the horror of a lifetime

Let's talk about the way it's been
Elusive and my wagging tongue
Is muted behind clicking teeth
With fingers finding quick release

So strange, and strange sensation comes
Awareness of the deep conflict
A writhing dance I keep inside
Cause you can't be that good at math.

You can't be that good at math.

And after everything goes down,
Where will hesitation go?
With remorse and empathy
Right out the window
Well I'm waiting for the day
The defenestration comes
I'll never know how much you loved me
Guess nirvana's really dumb

And you
Can't really be that good at math.
No, you
Can't really be that good at math.
We got problems, honey
Bigger than the place that we come from
You can't be that good at math
You can't be the only one

I see the trees turning
I see the topography of the old man's face,
With rifts and cracks
With gold and iron
Still in the old hills

The rolling of the planet wears everything out,
But its rotation scatters the shards of eden
They gleam like the eyes of a sad, old face.

Freeze and thaw,
Freeze and thaw,
Like god squeezing a stress ball.

Glinting ore shines on the skin of my arm
I'm squeezing a stress ball
Trying to find
A way to get the deepest taste of eden
With rifts and cracks
With rifts and cracks
In my jaw and spine

Absurdity complex,
The melting distractions,
The value of poetry.

A man calls himself to tell himself he is confused,
And unsure why he is calling himself.

Someone is on a pedestal,
Another one is ground beneath the iron wheels of fate.

No one did anything wrong,
But we gasp and shake our heads at the news.

Except we all did something wrong,
And someone's gotta pay for it.

I guess I chose sin for myself,
But that doesn't make any sense.

I guess it's time to be uncertain.

Lucky rhodopsin
Here comes October
They didn't need to be fiery
It's a happy accident

Lactic acid--
For all the right reasons
Churning and burning
Through all four seasons.

Notice all our forms
Passing through
They're sure and they're sharp
And they all stand true

The sumac's proud cones
The retreating turtle
The dew on our shoes
And a nice crape myrtle

And if my hands get cold
I'll just warm them up
Thanks for the soup--
I'll put it
To good use!

A sloshing soup knocks against my skull's interior as I make my way down the stairs
Today, I am tired
I have tried and tried and tried
And I have the seeds of positivity in my pocket
But I just feel tired.

When it tucked me into bed
Was there a knife behind its back?
Warm the blanket, weft and warp
The muffled screams of burning souls.

Processed glory, tried and true
Sewing sickness into you
To comfort you, o child
In that place to comfort you.

Today is a gift
Make out with it
Make out with today's ****
Or vulvic features

whatever does it for you

idk, then eat shrooms or something

pce,

me

You are like snow, tightly packed to the side of a mountain crag.
You melt away every year to bring fresh water.
(All year round)

You are like the first sight of that mountain, and every glimpse of it after that.

You are like the smell of that snow.

Or just knowing that the smell is there.

You are like all the odd places I've slept but remember vividly,
A strange, sequestered dream
Held fast to something like a bead of water.

Running on golden, not gossamer strings

Strings that form the lines on every face
And every seam.

Strings that line the clouds
That turn to storms
To swallow me

You carved my body and the grain said Awe,
You are the rightness of roots in the dirt.

There are roots in my bones;
May i fruit by your work!

You are the whirring clockwork of evolution,
You are nature's scream
Pregnant with love
An agent above
You are so pristine

remember
you seriously hate me
you have it down
to vanity
dissolve me
slowly
hold me
so gently
your dream
is so lovely
not lovely,

but love me.

how could i spend time wisely
but stars come whole and never in fractions
they burst all at once
and never suffer loss because
what they are is just a chain reaction

and yet i feel shame
to suggest I shouldn't is to find something to blame
to behold a daisy is to prefer it
and to prefer it
is to destroy it

And the beholder's eye sacrifices its own artisthood
to receive full credit in the form of false witness
the barren wasteland of the soul opens up
and yawns to swallow it

or yawns to yawn
and turn another page, the book is bound in my spine

how could i spend time wisely
but stars come whole and never in fractions
they burst all at once
and never suffer loss because
what they are is just a chain reaction

and yet i feel shame
to suggest I shouldn't is to find something to blame
to behold a daisy is to prefer it
and to prefer it
is to destroy it

And the beholder's eye sacrifices its own artisthood
to receive full credit in the form of false witness
the barren wasteland of the soul opens up
and yawns to swallow it

or yawns to yawn
and turn another page, the book is bound in my spine

I've skittered off the race's side
At least in part,
Submitting scribbles to the sea

"Won't you commit to me?"

And yet, a lamp I held alight
Will guide us through this whirling night
The stars, my eyes, and tested strength
The art of life, and cough
Time well spent

I've got
a really bad cavity
But I'm
Not terribly sad

Some gathered huts, men knead the land
The slow stir where it all began
Camps became villages
And villages, towns
Dust rising at dawn
From paths in the grass.

Wilderness rose in a peak and twist
And **** ruled with an iron fist
And placed all the stones in a circle 'round
When history had found its hound.

And when did first one give it pause?
To think-- this once was wilderness.

Then cities roared and weapons slung
And stories told and songs were sung
And new dimension came from us
The animals hid in the creeping dark,
The forest we had left behind.

The first gunshot! a Chinese thing.
And when we dreamed of bearing wings,
We found that there was compromise
Between our swirling dreams and skies

And surely then, so many paused:
To think-- this once was wilderness.

A system cut into our home
And taken fast, men cut from Rome
Where new dimensions bulge and bust
Where Susie's Cities lie in Dust

Convenience met a hearty blow
With everything that science knows
When moths could find no better home
On trees with lichen less than smoke

And then it took a sinister tone:
To think, this once was wilderness.

And now, so far from the forest's edge
With half the Earth in ultraviolet
Would we agree on sacrilege,
And can we live as better pilots?

And now, so far from the forest's edge
Can we kiss what we have blessed?
With trails cut just to feel immersed
To think-- this once was wilderness.

My thoughts fall heavy into mud
Seen, heard but so inert
I puppet nods among the trees, encouraging conspiracy
Swallow me in your boughs and leaves

"What point were you trying to make, boy?"
They cajole, tickling me
And they're half a nightmare but for now I can love

Since all things hang from my singular head,
I do feel a little heavy
And it weighs me down.

But there's no one to catch my fall,
No one to listen but me.

I fall through lovers and family and therapists
I fall through coffee and paint and food stamps
I fall through probation and panic attacks and karaoke
I fall through these refractions of infinity

Why are you always so pathetic?
What makes you feel like there's some purpose?
Where do you get your motion?
And why do you think they blame you?

Wrench your dream from my future heart
It doesn't want to let go
Though the weight will crush him surely
We will have this forever, foolish

I'm a funeral pyre,
Recess all day.

Your devil and advocate,
The only way.

I can't help my past
But that's all that I am to you--
That's all you are to me.

I'm old light,
Even by a little.

I'm bud light,
Aqua vitae.

It's lost on me,
If it's gained by you--
I'll take it back again.

The embrace of the stars. It leaks

And the lake where it leaks to,

See it simmer up and take control.

Giving depth to beautiful things
By desecrating the table of God.

This is all i can think about.

This is all i can write about.

Compelled into existence by his sorceress progenitor,
See the great Elemental.

Travested now,
His back, his shoulders, his head
Sloping toward the ground

The world is a brand new drug.
Step into it, feel a thousand tethers.
Taste the lens of the camera
Like acid on your tongue.

Burn us all together,
We're ignorant and young.

Freedom is a big, big word
I'd like to stare at high.
Triangles cannot excuse
The purple ******* sky.

Why do they always blame us for the world they left behind?
Whatever whatever whatever whatever
Whatever never MIND

it's a psychedelic experience
she stands in front of you
like a set of speakers
blaring this new song you're digging
only the song tears a hole in the fabric of the universe
revealing a mesmerizing display of radial symmetry

and when she exits the stage of your eyes
you remember the song
you hum it all day long
it melts into your guitar-work
her residue on your lips
and in the words you speak

and when she enters again
you'll see into her colorful world
will she become a fixed planet in the firmament?

i heard this kid screaming and cussing the other day while eating lunch in the kitchen
through the window he goes on from his bike
about how i need to loosen up and this and that
and i thought
what a handsome young man
how very fine he is
a true performer

ever since you went molecular
i sank back in my chair
and let the world **** on my body from the outside
it has a tendency to try to communicate by brandishing scars
and lash its tongue

my ego got popped up into a quaint glass bulb
where i can study myself but the muted conversations
worry me in here, their blurry specters orbit around.

i just really like that first line
i just fell in love with your madness
i don't really care what you do at night
i just fell in love with your madness

Trust me, I am your death
I will never betray you
I will lead where you will go
You will follow, you will follow

Have faith in me, I am your life
I am hollowed out music
Filled with nescient glory

I could be acting behind your head
But it's the price you pay for having eyes

I could be moving very fast
But you will not know where I am
I could be right here,
But you won't know my momentum.

You know there is a horizon line around your sight,
I am what lies beyond it
You are folded up
Into the palm of your own hand
And you're responding.

I am like your moth in a streetlight's riptide
At both 40-hour jobs all week
Breaking my back just to make things matter
But not in the way you'd like

You always said,
"Get outta here."
In your fanfare
Of incompatibility

Specifically once,

I came home where the expectations should've been low
You were strange, so strange
Criticizing everything i did
Giving me your opinion on every decision
And always complaining about everyone

After four and a half months of working two full time jobs
And putting up with the abrasiveness you're blind to
When I stopped wanting to talk to you, you hobbled up to me and said,
"Oh. Hi. I forgot you even live here."

Yeah, because I work 80 ******* hours a week,
And I can't buy Ramen noodles without you whispering to a housemate:
"Weird. I don't understand why you wouldn't just season them yourself, but whatever you like to do."

At least it wasn't in that boomy, loud-woman's voice.

I can't talk about requesting off four days in June (it's February)
Without you saying, "so you're taking off four days from your jobs to get paid to work at a convention? hmm. all I'm saying is you gotta think about balancing fun with work. I can't imagine you've accrued vacation time yet."

And yes when I moved out you wanted money for the glass top stove which was not damaged which you welcomed four people to use as much as they wanted which I would not use much and went to my parent's house to make food because you just made me uncomfortable when I used your kitchen.

But I couldn't complain because technically, you were nice.

And never made me talk to you

And you wanted money for the drier which had some ink inside the drum which has since dried and the dryer functions perfectly.

And you wanted money for the damages you said were most likely in the room.

It's time to walk away from you. No, you were strange.
No, I don't trust a stranger.

Trying is an insane concept
We are shackled to.

If you stay down,

You'll eventually realize
There's nothing left to do but try.

Go on now, get high
The recession is not a lie
You can tell yourself it is

You autistic god
Stimming your way into heaven
But pathos won't save you

Alcohol will

His cautious head is lowered
The scrawny grey wolf watches
And waits his turn

Big brothers are feeding,
He knows not to interrupt.

But he can't see that in his brainstem
Telling his heart to beat
That is where the big wolves are
And he is on the side of a kaleidoscope.

But he doesn't know that he'd go in between
Look for ways to save wolf meat
And all the bucks with their snarled teeth

So he mutates all his leaves
And liquifies his spirit
Summons his chemistry from crystal water molecules.

So he sheds his skin and follows breaks in symmetry
So he varies locally
And complexifies

So he radiates anew
So he watch the spirits run
And he saves the wolf meat,
He no eat.

I turn for a Moment
And stand at the bow
The wind whips the sails, and
It's buffeting, Now

A stretched out horizon
What lies in its arms?
The future is silent,
It sounds its alarms

It's what makes me feel so stupid in moments of navel-gazing,
Or personifying unity as if it were a thing like me
It stands there with a kicking womb
To birth the monster of my doom
Its noise ful-ly concealed behind a veil.

My childish virtues,
They withered and wept
They wilted for science,
They felt quite inept

But new virtue turned 'round,
And weathered a storm
I turned for a moment
She's tethered and warm

Well, I lost my **** for a grip or two
But I picked the rocks out of my shoes.
It's time to grow onto my spine
And resonate this body's mine.

Twilight man
Follows and leads
Thinks and is thought
Fights and is fought

He's wrestling demons
They come in waves

Sunlight came
And went down the drain
But he's fixing the hole
And it's making him smile

The silver ball sits serene by chance
The same size as the sun
What an interesting dance
Twilight man.
Takes strength from his stance
And he's saving his age with grace

Some truths hold the mind hostage
Holding their gun of an empty infinity
And asserting themselves to the universe,
Despite its constant ignorance.

Like a smooth black pebble in a garden
Giving undeniable accents,
Playing music that was surely heard.

You twinkle black, like me
And I like that.
I'll drop your black song on my black tongue
Like a black throat lozenge.