I sometimes stare into space too long
I'm contemplating why I'd be so dumb
Why I'd deliberately do things that dull my brain
Or could give me cancer
But actually I understand why, it just gives me pause

So really I'm not dumb, just aware
That I'd manifest as something so stupid because to a large extent
This all is my big regret,
But only to an extent.

Meanwhile I feel like I should be lauding us
Or at least appreciating it for everything it is
All of my children, the birds
The animals and water
Trees, sprees, mountain goats
The whole lot.

But I can't reconcile one thing,
And that is myself
And how you always seem to give me ****
When I know what I am--
And if that were ever the case
Well I think that'd be very different!

He took it upon himself
To die,
Of natural causes
Is just semantics
When you're the head
Of nature Itself

A cascading persona
A collapsing blossom
But you can't prove it

They hate me,
Why do they hate me?
The circus is contagious
Contrivance is a theme here.

They hate me so much,
And don't I hate myself?
No, I hate when it gets hard.

I am not perverted,
I am straight as an arrow.

But gravity bends me
Bends me into the straightest line there ever was
But a line is too brave a thing,
And you hate it.

Then why do you change?
I do not change,
I just continue
You do not hate me,
You can not hate me,
You only love me or you're neutral.

I am not excessively proud of what I am,
Just aware that it could not be wrong.
I have never made a mistake,
And my challengers all tend to fall away.

You will never defeat me
I can not be wrong
You can not hate me
I am straight as an arrow.

Cigarettes alcohol cannabis
******* ******* MDMA
LSD selfishness disdain
Resentment rage
Lust and greed
Psilocybin judgment morality pride
Gluttony hatred complacency
Intentional ignorance
Recklessness DUI love
Lying theft suboxone
Apathy neglect

Up from the soil, from a Womb, out of the darkness
Some came to be Hitlers
And some came to be Buddhas:
The idea of responsibility is the knife you press to my throat
And my own awareness is the wooden handle

How is it my fault, what happened here?
How can you blame me, how?
This is a chain reaction
This is a dream
This is running out of life

You are the wasted sides of me
Don't you think I want to save you?
But I can't, I love you so much, we are always stuck like this, I CAN'T

MY DEAR AND BELOVED CHILD-- WHEN YOU SEE THE THING YOU ARE JEALOUS OF PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE RICH

I KNOW YOU HATE IT, WE ONLY HAVE SO MUCH TIME
IT'S A DESPERATE MESSAGE I'M SENDING TO MYSELF

But I can't save you
We were
We were rich, so rich and vibrant

I don't think you know which direction,
Surrounded on every side
Sides that bleed whenever you take a step
Sides that blame one another for being sides.

Sides that are ultimately delusion,
Sides that come together as a whole.

But I just don't think you know which direction,
Doesn't anyone understand what I mean?
When you exist as an array and a spectrum,
Which direction should you try?

Should I go ahead test God?
But it's arrogant!
Should I let myself be odd?
Do you dare me to?
Should I try to live straight, avoid sin?
Oh you're so far above me now, with a path I was never able to follow.
Or you're an intersection of reflections of my own life which I can remotely access in the present moment.
Should I listen to The Starting Line?

I am what is apparent,
And I am resolute.

I wish you'd step aside and let me shine,
I wish I could do what you do.

And how could you even do that?
You said you did something different.

I just don't know
And I'll never have proof.

This is what God won't let you do
You've got a sour tongue

My thoughts fall heavy into mud
Seen, heard but so inert
I puppet nods among the trees, encouraging conspiracy
Swallow me in your boughs and leaves

"What point were you trying to make, boy?"
They cajole, tickling me
And they're half a nightmare but for now I can love

Since all things hang from my singular head,
I do feel a little heavy
And it weighs me down.

But there's no one to catch my fall,
No one to listen but me.

I fall through lovers and family and therapists
I fall through coffee and paint and food stamps
I fall through probation and panic attacks and karaoke
I fall through these refractions of infinity

Why are you always so pathetic?
What makes you feel like there's some purpose?
Where do you get your motion?
And why do you think they blame you?

Wrench your dream from my future heart
It doesn't want to let go
Though the weight will crush him surely
We will have this forever, foolish

There's no such thing as me
Spawning such brilliant memories.

I swear I've lived it all before
I have been noticing things.

But you say that makes me sick,
And I don't disagree with it.

I guess you could say
I've been noticing nothing,
Nothing at all.

So there's no such thing as me,
Why even write about it?

Spawning such dark memories,
Why burn so bright about it?

But we've gone critical now
We are just chemicals now
And now there's no such thing as me
At all.

And now I'm nothing at all,
At all.