I can't sleep anymore.
Last night, I just stared at the ceiling and thought.
I went with the negatives first, but they were all true.
I tried to think of the good next, but none were true about me.
I'm a pest.
I've tried so hard to keep hanging on, but I can't.
Not anymore.
I felt something wet on my face.
As I tried to wipe it away, more tears just came down.
I cried my heart out in a dimly lit room, alone, and not any one of the people who knows me will ever know.
I've already tried reaching out.
But I can't take it anymore.
The image I've set up for others is crumbling.
But no one bothers to look at me anyway.
I've got nothing to fear.
I can't sleep anymore.

Why can't you see
she's manipulating you, all of you?

Why can't you see
she's just acting, she doesn't care about you?

Why can't you see
she's a fake and a manipulator?

Why can't you see
I'm trying to help you?

Why can't you see
I'm not jealous?

Why can't you see
that she's weaker than she lets on?

Why can't you see
She's a liar?

Fine, outcast me, turn everyone against me, hate me.
Why can't you see
The smile in her eyes when you yell at me?
I've tried to help you, but when you come crawling back, don't expect me to help you. I've warned you.

I'm clinging on to my last bit of salvation.
I'm hanging off a cliff, and the only thing I can hold onto is
a thread.
I'm desperately praying, hoping, begging that this can save me.
If I fall, I will certainly die.
But then again, if I live, I have nothing to return to.
No one is willing to save me.
Deep down, I'm broken, and nobody wants someone like me.
I'm a parasite in society, and they'd rather let me die than see the truth.
So I'm hanging on until there's nothing to hang onto anymore.

I'm sinking
and no one wants to help.
I asked myself if I wanted to swim,
to survive.
But what's the point?
I have nothing good to return to.
I can't breathe, but this is the most I've felt alive.
As I open my eyes, I hope to see some light.
There isn't any.

It feels intense.
It feels like falling without a stopping point.
It feels like falling into water in a frozen lake. And no one helps you up.
It feels lonely. There's no one who's willing to help you.
It makes me want to run away. To get out of my own skin.
It makes me empathetic. I started to feel what others do.
It makes me tired. I just give up.
It made me an actor. I wore a mask for years without ever taking it off.
It feels uncomfortable. When I wake up with swollen eyes from crying myself to sleep.
It felt soothing when I lashed out. I was myself, and nobody liked me.
It makes me observant. I see how everyone treats me and each other. It's painful, but it is the truth.
There is one thing, that I have not felt yet. I don't know how it feels when it's time to break free.

Thank you
for letting me rant about my troubles,
you stood by me even through the hardest times.

Thank you
for never losing interest in me,
I never lost you.

Thank you
for being so humble,
your courtesy got me far.

Thank you
for being my light,
piercing through the darkness of my heart.

Thank you
for your smiles,
your gifts and love kept me alive.

Thank you
for pulling me out of the frigid waters,
for I had finally sunken after skating on thin ice for so long.

Thank you
for being so selfless,
you had been going through the same thing but still thought about me first.

Thank you
for saving me,
I'd be nothing without you.

When I'm around others,
I act normal.
I act happy.
I act energetic.

When I'm alone,
My smile fades,
My energy has been diminished,
The last of my strength gone.

When I'm around others,
I act perfect,
and they never take a second look.

When I'm alone,
I pick up my shattered heart,
the one that ached for so long.

Even with my head held up high,
I walk feeling like a cut that never healed.
I'm truly bleeding out,
and I can't fight this inevitable pain.

In the end, I'm the same.
I can't keep this act up for much longer.
In the end, is it all worth it?

"Please stay I love you."
I love you too.

I love the way you never acknowledge me.
How you never seemed to notice I was there.

I love the way you called me names.
How you called me annoying and troublesome.
How you called me stupid and weak.

I love the way you always left me.
How you never wanted to talk to me.

I love how you were ashamed to be around me.
How you walked away from me in public.

I love the way you toyed with me.
How you treated me like an experiment.
Like I was a thing for you to test out.

Why do you spit out lies?
We both know you don't mean it.
Is this another game for you?

You put me through hell.
I'm nothing to you.
I'm leaving you forever.

One day, when I'm on my deathbed,
I'll know that I made the right decision.

I used to always smile.
I was always so happy.

I loved life.
I really did.

I realized that people never liked me.
Not one bit.

They'd use me.
They'd ask me for answers and favors.
I was just a post to lean on when times got tough.

I was never their "go-to" person.
I was their last resort.

I realized that I didn't like living like that.
I cried.

They asked me if I was okay.
Not because they cared, but because it made them look good.

I was a charity case.
A thing that they could use to their advantage.

"This isn't like you. Where's the girl I know?"
How could they ask that?
They didn't bother to learn a thing about me.

A smile came back.
Not mine, but one did.

It was forced.
No one could tell that it was.

I used to smile until my face got sore.
The smile was big enough to hide my true self.

If you took one look at my eyes,
You can see sadness, pain, and longing.

They didn't bother.
They were ashamed to talk to me anyway.

The smile was forged, a fake made from gold.
The next time you smile, think.
Is it real or is it your cover?

When I was in elementary,
I would do everything everyone told me to.

When I was elementary,
I was ignorant to everything.

When I was elementary,
I never questioned anything.

When I was in middle school,
I saw the evils in people.

When I was in middle school,
I was depressed for knowing what was going on.

When I was in high school,
I rebelled.

When I was in high school,
I revolted and took what was rightfully mine.

I was rightfully mine.
My thoughts and feelings were mine.
All through my life my parents always tried to change that.
They couldn't when I was a teen.
I look back on it now, and see that what I did was right.
I changed for the better, and no one will ever change me.
I'm mine.

Palms sweaty,
Eyes darting,
Stomach churning

You look amazing,
in the short summer dress
your clothes bring out your eyes

Everything is perfect,
the humidity of the air matches the party,
the music matching the mood

My clothes are a size too big,
my shoes a size too small,
my courage a size too empty.

I ask you to leave with me,
to go the park we loved as kids

You happily agree,
and my heart bursts with joy

I push you on the swing,
and lean in for the kiss.

That was the best day of my life,
and I hope it was yours too.

The people that I know
Only acknowledge the big things
and push away the smaller things
as if there wasn't enough room for the smaller things
as if I didn't matter

I tried so hard
sending gifts
sending letters
remembering birthdays
remembering the little things

All they ever did was grunt
and heave
and sigh
because my efforts were too small

Christmas, birthdays, vacations
I had something for everything
and I gave everything I had
Not even one thank-you

All I really wanted
were for them to be happy
eventually giving almost everything
Everything that I owned
to see them smile

But they never did
They just commented
"This one is smaller than your last one"
And I'd just stand there
Stunned

Remember when
we walked to the office
because you needed to take care of business?

Remember when
you held my hand
because you could tell I was scared?

Remember when
we were on the bus
and I leaned on you to sleep?

Remember when
you'd always cheer me up
in the worst of times?

Remember when
you'd offer to throw yourself under the bus,
because I was a troublemaker?

Remember when
you got in trouble,
but I took all the blame?

Remember when
you asked me, "Why did you do that?"
"Why did you throw yourself under the bus?"

Remember when
I answered
"You'd do the same for me".

Why is it that
you had always left me alone
always leaving me for others
always leaving me because I wasn't
enough?

Why is it that
when you needed help
I would do anything for you
but when I needed you
you'd never respond?

Why is it that
you made plans with me
but when I came
you were nowhere to be found?

Why is it that
I'd get blamed
for things you'd done
but not a simple sorry nor thank you
came out of your mouth?

Why is it that
I'm so patient with you
sitting through everything
trying my best for you?

Why is it that
I'd fall
for the same lies
again and again?

Why is it that
I love you?

I'm Sorry
That you knew me
for so long

I'm Sorry
That I acknowledged you
when no one else would

I'm Sorry
That I stuck with you
Through everything
even though I would be shunned

I'm Sorry
That you would never
give me a second thought

I'm Sorry
That you made plans
and you never showed up

I'm Sorry
That I waited
for hours on end
believing in your promises

I'm Sorry
That I loved you
and never told you

I'm Sorry
That you always left me
when I called for help

I'm Sorry
That I tried

I'm Sorry
That I love you

Throughout my life
I've always wondered
How did people like
The sound of silence?

In my head
It was incessant screeching
Only was I lucky
Was I able to hear a sound
Before it got to my head

But then I realized
With the world going around me
It was good to have some silence
Once in a while

I thought miracles
Would never happen
to someone like me

Then you came along
With the breeze

You said you loved me
and I did too in return

As quickly as you came
You left
With the breeze

You lifted my heavy heart
A miracle to me
A favor to me

I saw you occasionally
Along with the breeze

You're blind to their faults
Others will see it
You won't

You're taken with them
Others won't see what you do
But you won't see what others do

"They're perfect for me"
That's what you think
When you think you're in love

Truth comes like a storm
It destroys what you think are your feelings
It flushes out the rest

But after the storm
You see the barren land
That was originally there

You see the truth

I lost you
The one thing I promised not to lose
Gone

Soon after that
My love faded
Leaving nothing but dust
For where it stood

I broke my promise
I didn't mean to
This wasn't supposed to happen

My friends noticed
They didn't say anything
They assumed I'd move on

I didn't

I watched
as you loved
as you smiled

My heart was broken
shattered to pieces

I picked up the pieces
and tried putting it back together
only to find that I had lost a piece

That piece was you

I knew it was my fault
Ruining a friendship
that ran deep through our bones

You appeared in a dream
You were so soft
In a dream

I started to crave your attention
To actually be something important
You granted my wishes

Our relationship didn't last
As soon as I uttered the words
We were done

Our "friendship" was destroyed
It wasn't fun while it lasted
It was torture

I know it was my fault
Someone had to do it
You or me

She looked around with her piercing, golden-green eyes.
She growled, and told herself she would survive.
She knew they were empty words.
She sprang from her spot. She attacked them and ran.
The bullets pierced her skin, but she kept going. She would never stop.
They stopped chasing her, and went to treat their wounded. She went as far as she could.
She sat, and cleaned her fur. The bullets stung, but she eventually got them out.
Just another day in the jungle. Just another day as a leopard.