The song comes on
And everytime I find myself in that room again
There's no weight to it, no discernible heaviness
Just the initial waves washing over me
A lingering missing, not tied to a place or name
Just faceless emotion, older than I am
Sharing itself among every individual
Inside each in a different incarnation
Mine is a deep pit filled with superfluous everythings
Where life scatters in fragments
Dispersing into the sky
To come down as rain and snow
I pluck its crystals from the air
Pocket them as I move along
Life is a rhythm, they are its song

Winter is stirring beneath my skin
Clutches my bones, tells me I'm cold
Head sinking down, down it goes below
Growing up, growing old
I iron out my creases but I can't stop the fold

And each year I get better at it
This thing called living, carrying my own skin
But each year still feels like drifting
The clock strikes and I am somewhere
All things new, all things, they just go

Holding life by the frays, unraveled threads
Weave and follow
I follow
And find
Other knots to untie

And somewhere, someone says hello
Greetings, passings, goodbyes and we go
Dreaming of infinite versions, you again
Unshaped entity that flickers like a flame in the darkness
Lighting my way, on and off and on and on
As one we grow

Never meant to be more than a dayflower
Alight in the brightness of a single day
Sway once, twice, then close these petals
Bow out and fade away

Reactionary passages that unfold like stampeding horses coursing like wildfire through the valleys of your veins.

Feigning indifference it takes up momentum. A galloping flurry of thundering hooves hurdling towards you at breakneck speeds.

At first you run. You run for your life. From your life. Scared of the monstrous fate that you've created. All the hate, all the pain, the forgotten sorrow.

Pushed away for so long it took the shape of animal storms to come and disturb your life of false denials.

Now here you are. Lost in a canyon of your own making. With nowhere to go. Running for your soul, running for all you've ever had.

But they are life and it always catches up. And they will break you with their iron feet.

So you stop and turn around. Face the collision head on. It is horrible and terrible what's coming at you with the force of a thousand horses.

You feel it all as it rushes over you. Every smile denied, every memory repressed, every touch forgotten.  Everything until the last broken, splintered bone.

Until nothing is left. A still and eerie, oppressive silence settles in. But you feel nothing of that. For the first time your upturned eyes are seeing blue skied and clear.

I´m with no one
Empty out my pockets
Out comes rolling nothing

But everyone is where it´s at
Everywhere where I am not
So I pack my bag and leave

Everything that´s been nothing
I´ll leave all of that behind
A future full of somethings,

Someones and everythings
Memories for me to dream of
Filling my pockets with the stuff of life

I keep going back to 1989
Date of birth and all that was, sort of, fine
Summer breezes causing melancholia

Older, going back before magnolias
Enticing, encouraging, all for the bees to be
Before everything got stuck on a maybe

But maybe...

Maybe when I bloom, if I bloom
With pale flowers to match a midnight moon
A chain reaction could come my way

And will I see my night turn into a day
Where these words have gone with the fading black
Maybe when they have gone

I will come back

A fly tickles my ribcage
Out in the half rain
I postpone the cigarette
Remember to eat

A stormfront of thoughts hovering near
Precarious and portending events
I sweep up in denial until the mirror breaks

I take better care not to fall back again
I take better care of myself now than I did then
But still it comes around as if reminding me
And my normalness is at stake

Even though I probably never was
I'd like to think I am
Just as normal as you all

I'm waiting here semi-passively
My chains of fear still binding me
Stuck between choosing the future that I want
and the things I'll have to face to make it so

All the while wondering where I did go