Twinkling north star and a dusty rose sunset. Shades of neon orange and yellow, fading to periwinkle and pastel blue. And straight above, deep dark purple-black sky.

1.
He believes he can have my
Heart and Soul
And cradle them in between his soft fingers.
He asks to let him teach me
how to hold my
Heart and Soul
On my own.
He believes we can handle the
Flames and Mayhem
That come with loving me.

2.
Insomnia is a lonely battle,
reading texts again and again like
Scripture.
Bowing my head, whispering in a demurral tone,
Praying for silence to take the reigns.
But He pings my cell...
He calls and we talk until the sun slivers through.
We chitter till I can no longer hold myself
And I fall asleep.

3.
Isolation.
It's a virtue that all must gain at some point
In their gap of existence.
Isolation creates patience.

But my legs tap-tap-tapping in this
Isolated quarantine
Pull my body into a pace;
My chest is an empty cavern
and it bumps and thumps like a race between ravens.
They soar and swoop and rock my body back
and forth.
They Flutter-Flutter-CATCH their prey.

Anxiety no longer at bay.
Tears... A bitter cliche.

And then you hold me- not a touch.
A word in our world that shines like the day.
The sun of your smile, the pool of your eyes,
The fall leaves in piles, our laughter to the skies.

4 (And Final).
Two wrongs can't make a right,
So why is our damage such a delight?
My panics, manics, freakouts.
Your lockdown, shut down, hideaway-
Let's build our souls, day by day.
One after another and maybe we'll stay
Just as it is, nothing else could say-
He said that she said that we said that they said
We'll lose it, so we laugh it away.

And now, as they say, somewhere far... FAR away, Au revoir ma chérie.
---------------------------------
I love you. And even if we break up, Michael,
you know that I'll always hold a place for you inside my soul.
Thank you for your honesty, your loyalty,
and your help when I hit rock bottom.
You're amazing and now the world knows<3

The tree bursts from its seed, grasping for the warm glow of light shimmering just above the brown waves of soil holding it down.

It reaches higher still towards the canopy of flame-coloured leaves that ignited just months after it's first release from Earth.

The tree's roots dig deep underground, bracing the tree for the cold and harsh flurries of white gold that will soon frost every surface visible to the bright blue sky above.

Frozen in time, dormant in this pale wonderland, it waits.

It's first leaves come and go as the harsh winds and flooding rains of spring fall- The weight growing, growing-
Vanishing.

The heat causes all flooding and weight to fall away, leaving the small tree to burst with blooms of lime, forest, and celery green.

And it now holds personality,
Able to finally build a life and home in it's branches.
<SUMMER>
The winds brush against her bark, a blue bird borrows in her arms, for they are a welcoming home for her babes, a squirrel stores his acorns beside her
thickening roots, and she ages another year.

The leaves shiver and shake as the brown tire swing rocks under the weight of me.
Quoting lyrics from my favorite bands and reading passages from my favorite books, I feel my soul age another year.


The cycle begins again...
With changes.

Fall includes hot cider and light reading under her flaming colors.
I build her an army of snowmen to keep her company as we nap through winter.
In spring I plant some flowers nearby, and they admire your ancient bark.
And in the summer we start again, my days spend singing and reading to you.



And then I was gone and you continued to flourish,
Year after year and season after season.

Cotard Delusion:
My heart is rotting
Todd Syndrome:
Delusional **** thought I L̵̦̮̇̓̿̊͋͂̎͠ͅo̸̹̅̒̄̒͛̑̊̓͝ṽ̴̧̧̧̡̮̦̘̱̭̲̜̭͉̯͉̦͖̪̺̐͛̔̒̋͠͝e̵̛̿̒̆̀͆̃̌̉­͓̦͖̤͓̗̤̥̜̘͍̩͈̖̞̰̳̱̭͇̲̈̆̈́̀̔́̒̈́̕ͅͅď̴̨̲͎͉̺̹̫̱̖̭̆͠ ̸̧͍͉̖͍̳̲̮̗̲͑̐̋͐͆̾̄͋̊͑̆̑̍͌͗̓͗̿͠͠m̴̡͔̻̗͈̫̣̦̱̳̃̈́̔̂͛̉̒̽͜͝ͅỳ̷̇͛̋͆͋̿̀͑­̢̧̛͇͚̝̦̞͂̈́̾̀͑̀̿͂̑̅š̷͉̭̠̰͇̳͎̯̯̞͇͙̫̈̓͠ͅe̷̢̧̞̻̳͍̝̲͇͒͌̑͌̈̇͋̉̿̎̀̀͜͜͝͝­̳͉̟͙̖͜ĺ̶̢̪͚̫̯̼̥̙̤͖͇̙̼̖̭̠̮̬̻͈̮͓̌͆̈̉̍͋͗̍͋̉͠f̴̽̎͑̍̽̋́̀̀̈̋͗̑͐̀̈́͘̕͝͝͝­̦̮̼̺͇͈̘͈̊ͅ.̶̜̻͖̫̦̻̟̊̆̋͛͛͊̚.̶͈͉̫̒̿.̸͍͔̟̯̈́̽́̾͂̉̈͛






Right?

While time can hold you, prisoner...
And
Love can make you blind...
nothing bears the pain
like distance from loved ones,
missing in our youth.
Memories that mix and swirl.
A past, a life,
Unfurl.
This love, it will not cure me.
Some distance will not sting.
I've walked the line, I know what's right.

I'll hold you to my heart.

=============
So. I'm back. Miss me..? :3

You drink coffee;
No cream.
I drink cream;
No brews.
I shake in fear and anticipation.
So much meaning
Is derived from this brewed beverage...

Walking down the misted pier
your hands crossed in mine.
You pull me down behind a rock
And offer icy wine.
I love you far too much to see
the malice in those bubbles;
A drink or two,
a kiss or 6,
A wave or 7
And screams at 10.

****** gusher poltergeist chest wound;
the longest thought of my life.
The ringing of a harp's gold strum,
gunshots all a-Blazin'
"THUMP DA DUM"

You drink coffee;
No cream.
I tremble in pure fear.
For if you had not gotten
SHOT
I might stop seeing your ****** ghost here.

I'm falling behind.
Learning in a system
That
Decides your fate through
Capacity to finish
Work
And follow
Rules.
But why are there so many
USELESS THINGS
Like dates of Wars
and
Dystopian concepts?

Teach me smiles
Teach me laughs.
Teach me how to
EAT WITH CLASS.

I'm falling behind, but that's okay.
I know I'll succeed
One day...
One day.

Can you tell me why biting down on ******* letters
Is so difficult
But we swallow ourselves wholly with
Ease?

Dimmed lights, yellow aura.
The gentle rhythm of a Paul Anka classic
ROCKING
The baby-fragile atmosphere into a warm
Mood.

Fresh baked cookies
With a glass of whiskey
And a joint to knot it off.
Legs, smooth and airy, resting on her lap.
Head against the cushiony pillow of a
Couch armrest.
TV blarin', bop-bopping your head to your own beat.

A breeze sways through the room, swiping my hair lightly.
Everything is so perfect, it's almost comedic.

I rest my arms on my chest, dizzy on life.
Focused on the future.
And sidewalks.
And watercolor yellow on the pink road.
And black letters- signed forgeries.
And your warmth, ****** heat wafting through us.

Your long, gold waves wiggle as you laugh at my expression.
Jeans taunt and creased, sweater far gone, only you
In your graphic T.


Our hands extend, meet, and we hold tight.
I know,
No matter what they say...
You, my lovely Kylee, are my soul.
Maybe not my soulmate, but my soul.
My every and all.

We'll laugh until our ribs crack, smile until our cheeks bruise, and
Stay up so long the sky looks like the scent of Fuschia.

Because the ecstasy of our happiness reigned.
Because I love you.

-Because-

Ice biting at the tips of my fingers
throwing children towards the sky-
Far too early do they fly,
And far to early do they die
-------------------------------------------------------------­--------------------------------------
Happy Halloween!

I need you to help me breathe
Again.
I sat there choking on the thought of losing
Us,
Yet I let those words come out of your
Mouth.
I miss you.
But I know when I **** up.
So I'll let you go...
But-

I... Feel
SO
Much ANXIETY
For the things
That -
CANNOT BE.

I don't expect you to understand
why I stain my sheets with scarlet drops
Or why I melt at the slightest touch-
liquid mercury mindset,
A heart with the glowing lights of xenon.

I don't want you to understand
why my veins burn like crushed up stardust-
milkyway IV drip..

I just want you to see that I feel it ALL-
And I cannot understand a second of it,
nothing I do is within reason anymore.

I just want you to see me
like I see you.

I left my heart in the back of your van next to the beanbag you sat in as we rocked to our favorite bands. I left my tears in the creases of your palms, staining your fingertips with love we had and lost. I feel, I do, every word you said as I screamed and you screamed and our faces went red. I feel, I do, every kiss and hug and smile that we shared over years of pain and regret. I wish it could be reset, all our time, so it'd never end.
But you're gone and I'm gone
And I'm holding on by a thread.
I feel, I do, my heart breaking every night.
I miss you, I do.
I feel it still, don't you?

If I choked, would you notice my lack of breath?
Would you recognize my world filming over
In my eyes?
The air in my lungs have
ALWAYS
Struggled around you.
My heart skips when you speak.
My brain
FIZZLES OUT
When you smile.
And you tell me how much I'm worth to you...


But you are a
TOWNHOUSE
In my city.
My emotions are the clouds, soaring so far overhead...
You'd barely catch a glimpse.
I'm glad our hearts beat to the same love
But you will never witness me breaking.
You will never watch me melt into the floor,
PRAYING
and
CRAVING
That I could wake up in another life at a moment's notice.

IF you watched me
BREAK
Inside, you'd see me for me.
And baby...
I'm scared of myself.
I'm scared of what I'll do if I lose.
If I lose.
If I lose.
If I lose the game of life.

I will never let you watch me break because
IF
I did, you'd realize
My arms hold
SCARS!
My lungs hold
DRUGS!
And my body ******* CRADLES
Bruises.

So yes, I know how much I'm worth to you.
But you only pay for what you eat, right?
Why read the fine print?

This is not a bad thing.
I have been using a mask for years and
NOW
after so long...?


I feel the ache.


I wanna show you all of me.
All clothes, no mask.
Me.

And
THAT
Is IF.

Is that bad?

The conceptual thoughts on existence and meaningful realities, built off of the creation of 'reality' as a defined unit of measure (normality), is a joke.

In regards to my recent behavior.

I apologize deeply for falling out of your pristine lines.
See, when I confessed to you
That evening, I believed you'd understand
TRAUMA


Your mind goes to
GLASS,
Clinking in ice cups like when I tell you I cry to sleep-
You'd rather not think about the pain
Coursing through my veins
As those shards carve me away.

That's why you hide
At the slightest mention of
DAMAGE.

Your expectations, I pray, have not increased the slightest!
I no longer apply to those lines, society.
Lines that are
Perfect photocopy girls.
Pleated skirts and a man to keep us in line.
It's what you deem "Easiest" and "Normal", right?
One hair out of place and I might infect your society-acceptable bubble!
Why add pain?
Image matters, after all.
Oh, the woe of my existence is
Such a BLEMISH on your school's
-IMAGE-
And we wouldn't want the world to think
anyone is damaged...
Now would we?
I apologize for falling out of line, once again.
I hope you can forgive me for
FEELING
Tears rack my eyes when my brothers were shot down,
And I hope you can forgive me for
FEELING
My stomach empty itself as my poppa took a life
or two.
Because FEELING isn't pleated skirts.
And DAMAGE
Isn't letting a man keep me in line.


In regards to my recent behavior:
I apologize that I have sense, society.
Sense enough not to let you command
How death and loss should
affect me.



I apologize for being broken, so I'll step back into line now
with my navy blue pleated skirt
and my mandatory man
bringing in money as I keep to this house
of deception.
And I'll let my emotions rot me through my core
like I'll leave the "hard" work to the man.
The man that shot my brothers.
The man that gave them life.
I'll shove those feelings down for you
So the world can be perfect again.

Sincerely, I.
---------------
Thanks for reading!
This is inspired by
The Hate U Give, named after Tupac's famous quote
"The Hate U Give Little Infants ***** Everyone", or **** Life.

The father in this poem shot his own babies,
And the daughter was distraught but shoved it down so she could remain normal.
Awful but I hope it speaks to you.

I'm not sure why
I'm not sure how
Just go follow this account:
https://hellopoetry.com/u846465/
Freakishly epic.