My world is whispering
PRAYERS
For every lost soul
I could not
TOUCH,
Because I was
SO
Lost myself.

I... Feel
SO
Much ANXIETY
For the things
That -
CANNOT BE.

You wasted over a month
Of the life I never wanted
Making me believe
YOU DID.

I need you to help me breathe
Again.
I sat there choking on the thought of losing
Us,
Yet I let those words come out of your
Mouth.
I miss you.
But I know when I **** up.
So I'll let you go...
But-

Can you tell me why biting down on ******* letters
Is so difficult
But we swallow ourselves wholly with
Ease?

If I choked, would you notice my lack of breath?
Would you recognize my world filming over
In my eyes?
The air in my lungs have
ALWAYS
Struggled around you.
My heart skips when you speak.
My brain
FIZZLES OUT
When you smile.
And you tell me how much I'm worth to you...


But you are a
TOWNHOUSE
In my city.
My emotions are the clouds, soaring so far overhead...
You'd barely catch a glimpse.
I'm glad our hearts beat to the same love
But you will never witness me breaking.
You will never watch me melt into the floor,
PRAYING
and
CRAVING
That I could wake up in another life at a moment's notice.

IF you watched me
BREAK
Inside, you'd see me for me.
And baby...
I'm scared of myself.
I'm scared of what I'll do if I lose.
If I lose.
If I lose.
If I lose the game of life.

I will never let you watch me break because
IF
I did, you'd realize
My arms hold
SCARS!
My lungs hold
DRUGS!
And my body ******* CRADLES
Bruises.

So yes, I know how much I'm worth to you.
But you only pay for what you eat, right?
Why read the fine print?

This is not a bad thing.
I have been using a mask for years and
NOW
after so long...?


I feel the ache.


I wanna show you all of me.
All clothes, no mask.
Me.

And
THAT
Is IF.

Is that bad?

Knees skipping around on tar-traced street corners,
blood sleeping like the wine in DRIVER'S cup.
Purple-blue bruises boil over into the left lane-
Like the car that hit her.
Swerving, cruising, napping away.
Gentle hum and reckless sways turn into a
Crunching thud, splattering what COULD be a puddle onto
the roads.
Slippery smooth frost, lover, except winter was now called
DRUNK...

Knees the color of a powdered apricot-
Red POOLING around the body...
Past the legs..,
Into hell, 'cause her body would never be with her soul again.

And he
KEPT
ON
CRUISING.

In regards to my recent behavior.

I apologize deeply for falling out of your pristine lines.
See, when I confessed to you
That evening, I believed you'd understand
TRAUMA


Your mind goes to
GLASS,
Clinking in ice cups like when I tell you I cry to sleep-
You'd rather not think about the pain
Coursing through my veins
As those shards carve me away.

That's why you hide
At the slightest mention of
DAMAGE.

Your expectations, I pray, have not increased the slightest!
I no longer apply to those lines, society.
Lines that are
Perfect photocopy girls.
Pleated skirts and a man to keep us in line.
It's what you deem "Easiest" and "Normal", right?
One hair out of place and I might infect your society-acceptable bubble!
Why add pain?
Image matters, after all.
Oh, the woe of my existence is
Such a BLEMISH on your school's
-IMAGE-
And we wouldn't want the world to think
anyone is damaged...
Now would we?
I apologize for falling out of line, once again.
I hope you can forgive me for
FEELING
Tears rack my eyes when my brothers were shot down,
And I hope you can forgive me for
FEELING
My stomach empty itself as my poppa took a life
or two.
Because FEELING isn't pleated skirts.
And DAMAGE
Isn't letting a man keep me in line.


In regards to my recent behavior:
I apologize that I have sense, society.
Sense enough not to let you command
How death and loss should
affect me.



I apologize for being broken, so I'll step back into line now
with my navy blue pleated skirt
and my mandatory man
bringing in money as I keep to this house
of deception.
And I'll let my emotions rot me through my core
like I'll leave the "hard" work to the man.
The man that shot my brothers.
The man that gave them life.
I'll shove those feelings down for you
So the world can be perfect again.

Sincerely, I.
---------------
Thanks for reading!
This is inspired by
The Hate U Give, named after Tupac's famous quote
"The Hate U Give Little Infants ***** Everyone", or **** Life.

The father in this poem shot his own babies,
And the daughter was distraught but shoved it down so she could remain normal.
Awful but I hope it speaks to you.

1.
He believes he can have my
Heart and Soul
And cradle them in between his soft fingers.
He asks to let him teach me
how to hold my
Heart and Soul
On my own.
He believes we can handle the
Flames and Mayhem
That come with loving me.

2.
Insomnia is a lonely battle,
reading texts again and again like
Scripture.
Bowing my head, whispering in a demurral tone,
Praying for silence to take the reigns.
But He pings my cell...
He calls and we talk until the sun slivers through.
We chitter till I can no longer hold myself
And I fall asleep.

3.
Isolation.
It's a virtue that all must gain at some point
In their gap of existence.
Isolation creates patience.

But my legs tap-tap-tapping in this
Isolated quarantine
Pull my body into a pace;
My chest is an empty cavern
and it bumps and thumps like a race between ravens.
They soar and swoop and rock my body back
and forth.
They Flutter-Flutter-CATCH their prey.

Anxiety no longer at bay.
Tears... A bitter cliche.

And then you hold me- not a touch.
A word in our world that shines like the day.
The sun of your smile, the pool of your eyes,
The fall leaves in piles, our laughter to the skies.

4 (And Final).
Two wrongs can't make a right,
So why is our damage such a delight?
My panics, manics, freakouts.
Your lockdown, shut down, hideaway-
Let's build our souls, day by day.
One after another and maybe we'll stay
Just as it is, nothing else could say-
He said that she said that we said that they said
We'll lose it, so we laugh it away.

And now, as they say, somewhere far... FAR away, Au revoir ma chérie.
---------------------------------
I love you. And even if we break up, Michael,
you know that I'll always hold a place for you inside my soul.
Thank you for your honesty, your loyalty,
and your help when I hit rock bottom.
You're amazing and now the world knows<3

Eyes heavy..
Body aching..
Tears reigning..
Cradling into yourself...

When did you last feel
The most alive?

Glimpses of air,
Waves flooding your bloodstream.
You kinda thought I might care.

Drowning, swallowing currents of
ANXIOUS
Death;
When the moonlight spills over your ****** wrists
Sliced on a sharp razor blade of
DEEP REMORSE
For the cracking bones under your taunt,
carved skin.
Ripping your arm
OPEN!
Screaming silenced whimpers
Into the torn skin,
nails ripping on bone and tendon
NIGHTMARES.

Bashing skull inwards hoppin' off 4-story thoughts,
Twinkling stars shimmer a warm
darkness
onto your eyelids
until the word
Almost seems
Okay.

Until you seem okay.

-Splashes my reflection-
Why...

Dimmed lights, yellow aura.
The gentle rhythm of a Paul Anka classic
ROCKING
The baby-fragile atmosphere into a warm
Mood.

Fresh baked cookies
With a glass of whiskey
And a joint to knot it off.
Legs, smooth and airy, resting on her lap.
Head against the cushiony pillow of a
Couch armrest.
TV blarin', bop-bopping your head to your own beat.

A breeze sways through the room, swiping my hair lightly.
Everything is so perfect, it's almost comedic.

I rest my arms on my chest, dizzy on life.
Focused on the future.
And sidewalks.
And watercolor yellow on the pink road.
And black letters- signed forgeries.
And your warmth, ****** heat wafting through us.

Your long, gold waves wiggle as you laugh at my expression.
Jeans taunt and creased, sweater far gone, only you
In your graphic T.


Our hands extend, meet, and we hold tight.
I know,
No matter what they say...
You, my lovely Kylee, are my soul.
Maybe not my soulmate, but my soul.
My every and all.

We'll laugh until our ribs crack, smile until our cheeks bruise, and
Stay up so long the sky looks like the scent of Fuschia.

Because the ecstasy of our happiness reigned.
Because I love you.

-Because-

My mental slip mentality; thoughts and feelings in the 'flesh':

Slamming head on a metal board of bunk bed mass,
Body in a cold sweat of hyperventilation,
Hyperbass flute of a banging heart; Brass knuckle BUMP THUMP.

Ribcage rattlers!! Running for the communal like an athlete-
Legs a gelatin mold of fabricated lies; Sliced as unevenly as the cursive words that spell "Hell No! Run!".

Fight or flight-ing the oxygen entering your lungs-
Baby girl slow dancing into an acrobatics show,
Flips and whips of cardiovascular hyperactivity
WHEN
My heart even glimpses at what it once was!!

So scorching flames of liquid lead
Drip through bathroom faucets, fogging and filming over it ALL...

My nightmare is scratching at my skin!!
Crap... ****** finger breaths when you understand.

Head in hands
Sobbing your oxygen back into your lungs
Icy air from windows
Blending with the muddled confusion of other campers
And the fog of every scorching faucet
Wrapping me in a tense comfort.

Inhale, exhale.
Don't touch me.
Can't name me from the crowd of children in your wake..
I'm a loaded gun,
****** nails
for
Eruptive violence.
Known as the mental one.

The gradual silence of other showers shutting off
And dispersing of clustered adults and youth.


Finally, you arrive.
This time I'm fully clothed.
Red from scorching my demons
With my screeching, panicked roar.
You calmly float by...
And panic attack central is pierced-

finally.

The beige-blue cotton
and
Light pink sandals
Move close-

Flicking off the shower.
Offering her hand, not to hold, but to observe.
5 fingers, 4 pinks, 3 spotted, 2 lined, and one bent.


Keep it together.
If you falter again, those looks from
CAMP NOWHERE
Will put you in
THE HOLE.

'she', therapist and friend along with them.

(IN MIND)
You aren't crazy, baby...
Just scared.
So, SO scared.
Of yourself.

Count
What you can see.
5
4
3
2
1

The conceptual thoughts on existence and meaningful realities, built off of the creation of 'reality' as a defined unit of measure (normality), is a joke.

Warm milk
Tired eyes
No anxiety
Full tummy
Full comfort
In your arms
Drifting, yes,
Slowly but surely.

When I wake up I’m surrounded by the scent of his skin, the scent of cool rain and grass.
I can still feel the stinging near my spine,
but it's not as overpowering
as the nostalgia of the scents-
It's hard to hate a backstabber
when they were your backbone.

You drink coffee;
No cream.
I drink cream;
No brews.
I shake in fear and anticipation.
So much meaning
Is derived from this brewed beverage...

Walking down the misted pier
your hands crossed in mine.
You pull me down behind a rock
And offer icy wine.
I love you far too much to see
the malice in those bubbles;
A drink or two,
a kiss or 6,
A wave or 7
And screams at 10.

****** gusher poltergeist chest wound;
the longest thought of my life.
The ringing of a harp's gold strum,
gunshots all a-Blazin'
"THUMP DA DUM"

You drink coffee;
No cream.
I tremble in pure fear.
For if you had not gotten
SHOT
I might stop seeing your ****** ghost here.

My soul,
a wasteland of salt and sulfur,
is heavily
-DRIPPING-
 In My Own


Ḇ̸̫̓͂͒̀̓̀̽́ḽ̶̨̝̘̖̳̫̙͇̣̘͍̤̦̹͉̓̎̾͆̂̃͋̌̃̕͝͠ó̸̧̮̳̯̣̘́̃̕̕͝o̷̔­̡̛͇̤̹̹͎̩̤̜̙d̴̛̳̑̒͛̎̀̐̓ ̷̲͍͎̩̰̳̔̑͊̂̄̇͐̀͗̔͑̓̓͠



Because my
Soul
Is full of secrets;
Because my soul
Is full
Of Lies.

Wring them out,
whip and crackle.
Droptop,
SAY
Mouth of tackle;
-Hooked on love-
Falling in hate.
Screech, Stop.
Red light-
-POP-
mental fatigue.
Drowning in silence
Ringing beads,
bit lip babes.
Marbles, pink and green.
****** teeth with shark tooth scars.

Yeah, my soul is quite a show.
Don't you know?
Crackled, snaggled:
Running from slippery truths.

Slip-n-slide
Ride or die
Come with me


Let's feast
...







L̶̛̛̛̛͌̓̈̀̋͒̂̀̒̒͌̎̂̃̆̋̐̾̈́͌̔̾͆̀̉̆̇̔͐̋̚̚̕̚̕̕̚̚̚̕͝͝­̢̧̫̠̭̣͇͆ḛ̵̡̲͇͒͛̓̌̃͐̀͒͛͛̔̿͗͛͐̈́̌̍̈́͛̂̅͘̚̕͠͝ͅt̵́̌͋̂̍̀͋̀͒̀̿̊̉̏̏͊̒̓̅̾͠­̧̨̧̢̻̯̳̻̠͚͇͍̦̩̠̲̠̝̖͔̮͎̰͈̱̻̣̝͇͓̗͉̲̤̝̙̙͚̺̯̲̼͓́̀̽̈̇͛̓̌̍̒̐̾͊̚͜͠ͅ'̸̐̂̀­̢̧̢̢̪̻͈͔̝̲͓̣̗̩̪̣̣͖̤̹̣̬͔̦̱̱̬̬̥̲͕̬̲͍̺̦͉̣́̔̽̇͆̉̀̀̓͆̉̆̇̈́̋̐̃̍̾̕̚̕͜͜͜͝ͅ­̨͉ṣ̴̨͎͈̖̞͐̓͂̋̍̌̐̇̇̉̈̈̂̉̎͠͝͝ ̶̧̛͇͖̟̫̯̳̹̱͖̦̖̣̮̥̺̱̣͇͔̘̬̼͇͋̓̃̆̆̀̎̇̍̏͛̈͋̊̓̅̑̅̄͑͋̑̏̓̓̂̽̄͐̌̊̈̓̎͘̚͘̚̕­͍̤̖̟̻d̸̢̧̛̛̛̤͉̪̗̪̥̲͉͓͉͖͍͔̰̖́̾̾͐̑̈̔̈́̾̑̽̿̊̍̿̆̓̉̾̇̓͆̐̆͒̀̈́̊̈́̓͘͘͘͜͠͝͝ͅ­͕̪̯͍͍͔̲̜̖̺͜i̵̻͖͎̅̾́͑͑͐͒͗̎͑͆̈́̀̀̏̇̇̅̎̇̉́̎̇̊͂̈͋̂͌̒́̊̋̀̀̉̚͘͘̕̕̕n̶̔͛̕͝­̧̢̡̢̺̩̥͕̦̤̯̪̠͉̦̗̼̻͖̜͉̫̰͎͖͇̠̘̥̖̜̦̥͍̙̞̜̪͍̜̌̎̀͗͑̎̅̂̏͜͜e̶͑͌͒͌̿̓̓̀͊͑̋̕­̧̢̢̡͖̹̟̝͎̙͎̱̹̺̰͓̠͖̮͙̙̻̤̫͚̳̭̖̭͔̮͓͚̖̥̺͇̯͙̲̤̿́̏̍͐͒̎̊̅̓̈̿̆̉́̕͜͜͠.̶̈́̅͝­̧̧̧̞̳̞͇̱̘̖̬̩̭̭̥̺̖͕̱̪̳̪̳̖͓̗̫̘͍̥͔̯͖̦̯̯̩̯̖͌̋́͊̄̽͊̓͂̀̏̌̄̒̽̈͌̒̂͐̈́͛͘͜ͅͅ­̘̻̭̰̠̲͇̭.̷̧̧̡̼̫̰̟͇̳̱͙̣̠̈́͌̇͘ͅ.̶̡̥̮͈̻̮̻̒̍̎̐̈́̚͝

Cotard Delusion:
My heart is rotting
Todd Syndrome:
Delusional **** thought I L̵̦̮̇̓̿̊͋͂̎͠ͅo̸̹̅̒̄̒͛̑̊̓͝ṽ̴̧̧̧̡̮̦̘̱̭̲̜̭͉̯͉̦͖̪̺̐͛̔̒̋͠͝e̵̛̿̒̆̀͆̃̌̉­͓̦͖̤͓̗̤̥̜̘͍̩͈̖̞̰̳̱̭͇̲̈̆̈́̀̔́̒̈́̕ͅͅď̴̨̲͎͉̺̹̫̱̖̭̆͠ ̸̧͍͉̖͍̳̲̮̗̲͑̐̋͐͆̾̄͋̊͑̆̑̍͌͗̓͗̿͠͠m̴̡͔̻̗͈̫̣̦̱̳̃̈́̔̂͛̉̒̽͜͝ͅỳ̷̇͛̋͆͋̿̀͑­̢̧̛͇͚̝̦̞͂̈́̾̀͑̀̿͂̑̅š̷͉̭̠̰͇̳͎̯̯̞͇͙̫̈̓͠ͅe̷̢̧̞̻̳͍̝̲͇͒͌̑͌̈̇͋̉̿̎̀̀͜͜͝͝­̳͉̟͙̖͜ĺ̶̢̪͚̫̯̼̥̙̤͖͇̙̼̖̭̠̮̬̻͈̮͓̌͆̈̉̍͋͗̍͋̉͠f̴̽̎͑̍̽̋́̀̀̈̋͗̑͐̀̈́͘̕͝͝͝­̦̮̼̺͇͈̘͈̊ͅ.̶̜̻͖̫̦̻̟̊̆̋͛͛͊̚.̶͈͉̫̒̿.̸͍͔̟̯̈́̽́̾͂̉̈͛






Right?

I'm falling behind.
Learning in a system
That
Decides your fate through
Capacity to finish
Work
And follow
Rules.
But why are there so many
USELESS THINGS
Like dates of Wars
and
Dystopian concepts?

Teach me smiles
Teach me laughs.
Teach me how to
EAT WITH CLASS.

I'm falling behind, but that's okay.
I know I'll succeed
One day...
One day.

I'm not sure why
I'm not sure how
Just go follow this account:
https://hellopoetry.com/u846465/
Freakishly epic.

Sometimes
the sweetest things
in life
are artificial
...
Yum.