In my life silence has never been comphortable
Quiet has always rang like a gong in my mind
Letting worlds break their bonds and flood
like dam breaks far above desert towns
You make the silence focused, useful
with you nearby words come easy
nothing is lost, overpowering
I'm not sure what I'm saying
but you are being on fire
and not burning

I've never felt want like this
not need
easy breathing
the way you hold me
close like a precious thing
I've slept before
in arms that loved me
but never those afraid
to let me go
you keep wanting
to learn my soul, so,
i know you know
when i wrap my arms
around you rough
all baby tiger play
that i don't need,
but always want
to stay this way

My mother and father never taught me to cook
they always thought I was too wild
for food covered hands
but I watched entranced by flavors
and I learned
I cook like a whirling dervish
all swear I,
can destroy a kitchen,
In the blink of an eye
my parents tasted my cooking for the first time
their eyes grew wide
in awe of something I never learned
but inherited over time

Now I understand the flame of your presence
to my lofty moth wings
and my icarus heart
your sadness is sweet love potion
aphrodisiac comfort of childhood
I see the echoes of my soul
in your deep river eyes
calm surfaced with a storm underneath
I come from the same water
your multifunction brain,
Analytics and creativity
you've argued once before that only schizos
can process two complex ideas at the same time
and i wonder how deep my problems go
because that cant possibly be true
I've told you I've worlds in my brain
i process multiple lives simultaneously
I know you feel me
I see you, I've whispered crazy things all my life
you think you're bizarre
i think we are alike.

All the questions sit on that mountain top
Running is escapism
hiking is not
my head is full from diving into 1000 inquires
and the momentary silence from my subconscious
You asked what I am thinking
I only think of open sky, and words, and worlds, and you
my mom said i was lucky to find
someone who wanted to know my crazy mind
I am enamored with cliffs,
my fear of heights dissipated
I am falling
not from the cliff, no i walked back down
i am falling in love

I think i've hoped for you forever
someone who can understand
the sadness in my eyes
who can feel the same turning uncertainty

With a mic in my hand
I'm a little bit shy
But with a pen in my hand
I'm a little bit fly
My brothers really know how to drops some beats
And Ive gotta find the words to make them sound sweet
So while weve gotta little time to ****
Let me introduce you to my brother oneal
Hes our dj and he makes the rules
And when hes around the sounds always cool
Its true people say hes a little hoodrich
But youll really learn to love him when he flips that switch

You are a mouthful of flowers
And the way your heart beats like a drum
Im so glad to have you for a moment
Whispering in panicked ears
Please let me keep you

We find between well loved pages
Why do all our hearts beat for them
I grew up with 2 loving parents
Shaped by 4 loving hands
1 half crazy hands
But love all the same
So why do i feel you
Harry, oliver, frodo,
Why do i know...
I guess we all have our abandoment issues
I guess lonely is something we all relate too
I guess i know you
In the back of my mind where we are all
Unshaped, and learning to be brave.

I come in
standard white girl voice....
but no mine is to deep
"Im sooooo drunk"
Like tell everyone everthing drunk
Too much tequila drunk
Ill talk about my exes and my boyfriend drunk
Glad my roomates are good guys drunk ,
Want to see you drunk
Miss you drunk
Knowing how to pick my poison drunk
Head hung and bleary eyed
Probably have a problem
But im quitting on the new year....
Until st patties day
Im a writer and i need a new bottle of gin drunk.

My heart feels like it's holding its breath.
Like a two year old mid tantrum
and blue in the face,
knowing it can't
hold out
much longer.

"love you" slipped out your lips
as you were parting
and I not believing that you meant it
and not knowing what to say if you did
Just stammered out drive safe
all the while
I wanted to lay
my heart in your hands
I don't know if you understand
and i'll take a nap at 10 pm
and have a hard time sleeping tonight
because i still wont know if those words meant
anything.

I called my mom
To ask if this is normal
Ive been with you
For 3 months
And im sorta infatuated
And i like you more everyday
And i admire you
But i dont love you yet
Everyone says thats normal
But love has always hit me like a freight train
And im wondering how much time
I should spend waiting on the track
With you
What if it never comes
My mom just reexplained insanity and said
And how have those frieght train loves
Worked out for you?
Fair point

He drives a white I've-a-complex sports car,
and wears a jersian leather jacket,
and a tough guy accent.
He ambles, bow legged,to the box office.
The ******* his arm has a kind voice
And gently lit eyes, like flickering candle light.
She ventures a question.
His dismissive tone comes harsh
to her hopeful ears.
I watch the light fade,
Like the candle is in its 7th hour,
now burning low,
and the power, is still out.

Ive written at least 168 poems
since july 1st of this year
Ive written 64 since our third date in September
Which is when I started writing about you,
and at least 54 of them have been about you,
and I wish that didn't sound crazy.

You said I was like the mist
an intangible impermanent thing
destined to fade at sunrise
you are wrong I am, and have always been, the bomb
the cloud of nuclear smoke
ushering in winter
leaving the strong
I am the forest fire
I remake the world
blacked in fall
pale green in spring
I shape, I do not fade
but you wouldn't know
you couldn't feel fire
when it touched your soul.

Im sorry I didn't protect you
When they told me.
When you were just a little thing
Just turned 3
And they discoved the wolf
That prowled the woods
That you came crying about
But they did the strangest thing
They pulled its teeth
Then kept things quiet
And set it free
And let you still wander
The woods alone
I see it in your wide haunted eyes
You are only 9 years old
And they are right
You wont remember...
Untill you are 22 sitting in a therapists chair
Trying to figire out whats wrong with you
And they'll ask about your child hood
And youll think about the nightmares
You used to have
And youll realize they were real
I have friends now
Who are like you
And I am so sorry
I didnt make sure the wolf got put down
But I was only a child too.

There are bumble bees
In the wires of my mind
Buzzing and *******
Somewhere behind my cerebral cortex
And my hypothalmus
They make my brain go fuzzy
With drops of honey (or is it a sting)
When you kiss me.
All the receptors bloom open like nectar laiden flowers
I can almost see my mind as a forest clearing
In early spring
With pale green stems
And periwinkle flowers and yellow blossoms
This place is precious
And long forgotten
I wish i could show you
Like photo albums in child hood
Its so hard now
To clear my brain on paper
But its getting better.

I want to say this so badly
It burns my tongue
like too hot tea
swallowed greedily in early morning
and freezes like the cold coffee in the cup
when I get distracted by talking to you
I know you know I write you poems
I've written poems for many
but you I want to say simple words to
I want to speak plain
and the more I know
the deeper the desire
Yet my tongue is still.
I'm not uncertain
but I'm afraid of your reply

Raw garlic as a throat lozenge
tucked into my cheeks
biting down and gaging at the bitter taste
it was starting to grow green
still alive despite sitting on a shelf
a tea of cayenne pepper
and honey
and apple-cider vinegar
and some more garlic for good measure
this is disgusting
and it goes down harder than cheap malt liquor
like going slow
when my nature is to jump in
shouting i love you from roof tops
i dance around it now
because though my nature has been
openness in the past
the pain has closed me up
getting better is an odd thing
its unpleasant
it takes time

Your heart beats LOUD
Like thunderclap
like things id come to fear
in rougher hands
your lightning lit eyes
remind me that i love storms
In the i used to dance in them way
that i was the bomb at sunday dinner
the passion made thing
you let me be
thank you
thank you
thank you
and you thank me for it
for being what i always was
I lay and listen to your heart and it reminds me
of thunderstorms
when i felt invincible
It reminds me of shouting into the southern sea
against gale force winds
I dont know how to explain
it started this simple thing
it grows everyday
tell me more...youre a book i never want to close.

you're a fire made thing
molten gold
slow burn
in deep earth
boy
i had forgotten what it was
to be a dragon
to dance delirious
on coals with unburnt feet
and swallow treasure
with a manic tongue
you pull both riddle and song from my lips
like fire born of anchient speech
I get to be
and the fire gets to burn
not consume
but burn white hot
like the embers left in winter fires
like the viens of the earth
your eyes remind me
their is fire beneath the surface
of my skin

I sat with you for an hour
I barely said a word
It is so rare that I do that
I wasn't engaged in anything else
or playing on my phone
or playing a game
just watching you play
and laying next to you
It's so easy to feel safe in your arms
so easy to be home
where you are
I'm so uncomfortable with silence
around others
My world is made of words
and you bring peace
I wish  could see you more

I feel silly writing poems
when the world is falling apart
yet I must

Watching shell-shock set in
eyes to the ground
at the ****** scene.
how does one cope
with ignorance and hatred
directed, and winning
How can I tell my friends
to stay safe
when they in turn say
"It's not in my hands"
and it's just become
apparent that thats true.

“And you are fire,”
Did you see it?
The shooting star madness
Deliriousness… speak
Squeal something
Don’t recognize this
Don’t know what it is.
Do you see
Ice melting off my fingers
The board at my back
My hand in the flame
I’ve never had someone know,
Who wasn’t made to see
with time
or talent
or speech

I remember you in the worst ways
in flesh flayed from my bones
and exposed nerves in my brain
that hang my words.
and stiffen my spine.
and the catch in my throat,
when he asks to hear my music
or to hear me sing
I freeze
and grow quiet because now I'm afraid
though he has kind eyes
one day his words will come harsh like yours
This is your legacy
fear written in my skin
and an inability to let someone care for me.
I'm stuck in this
and I'm so tired of you
being in my head,
that every negative thought comes branded
In your voice.

Every little thing
the phone calls,
and you wanting to see me
and the little things you share
infinitesimally small differences
in how you trust
and how my heart beats
i haven't fallen in love this way before
this isn't the flame i remember
but its not one ill soon forget

Moonstruck
stareing out windows
Frantic fingers type
Manic words
About things i cant explain
Yet need you to understand
Like why i reread the same books
And why i think its funny
That you have the same passion for math
That i have for words
And how those things
Covort in my brain
Like children trying to play the same game of pretend
And that it works for breif moments
Do you see it

As a writer
I just want my words to reach out
With nimble hands
And play
the bright strings of light that connect us
Like a harp
To send vibrations through the world
Along these passage ways
And maybe stumble along
Finding the red strings to peoples hearts
And pluck at them lightly
Sending out notes
A bit deeper than before
In hopes of reminding them
How important it is
To feel something .

In the not so simple way
Like dawn light on the moors
And those lines scrawled
On ancheint brick walls
Like the same reason
That that scene in that movie
(Ive watched 100 times)
Effects me so
You stir somthing in my soul.

I am waxing poetic to my best friend
I am thinking of the veins
Beneath my feet
And the heart beat of the universe
And i am feeling something
Like something before but completely new

You're the unexpected dollar in my pocket,
Or the dog that came up for petting,
Or the song, that I love, coming on the radio.
A red leaf on brown mulch.
A simple good thing in my day
unessential, but wanted and beautiful and bright.

Last night
I pulled the first all-nighter in years
that I've taken without reason
and I studied a bit,
but mostly I consumed
Read a book cover to cover
and played video games
and remembered
all the things I need to do
all the things I must
the half written scripts,
the shaky first chapter.
and sunrise was like waking up
on the inside where it matters.
there white pages lie
like new fallen snow
whispering promises of new life.

My mouth hurts from smiling
pulled muscles in my cheeks
trying to force myself into relaxation
but you cross my mind
and my lips pull back into the bow like shape
I cannot stop from forming
as joy feels my mind like a secret
thats just waiting to burst forth.

Did you know that a stand of aspen trees
Is one of the largest living organisms in the world.
I don't know if you've ever seen them
but the pale white of their paper bark
and the bright yellow of their leaves
just reminds me of waking up
on the first snow day
as a child and running out, pure joy, into the snow
until fingers turn frozen
then running in to warm them
and back out again
and you are random facts
and snowflakes
and favorite things.

Feeling for you is
frightening
You smile like the sun
Bright on new fallen snow.

I actually like you
So now I'm afraid
Its really hard for me
To give you that rope...
To let you close
I am terrified
I can handle being used
I expect it
I can handle being a muse
Or a fling
Or a passionate something

But I am Afraid of this
Of you making me smile
Of anything like this
I wasnt going to do this again
Ever
And I dont wanna let you hurt me
But I wanna let you in
And those things are not mutually exclusive.

I thought I saw your car today
the blood rushed to my feet ready to run
Though I know you'd never come near me in public
not even to throw a verbal barb to my self esteem
which was your favorite game.
Everything you did was far too meticulously planned.
I remember a time when I thought you would never hurt me,
But now fear freeze frames new faces
Wondering if they will change like you did
Your evolution
sinister,
destruction,
Like a slow soaking rain
that no one notices until the dam breaks
and they are drowning in it.

I'm always looking for that break
For that chinck in the armor,
Or the evidence of a mask
That thing that will shatter my fragile happiness
Like glass barely tapped on the counter
I wishni could tell you
How ive been hurt before
So you know its not you at all
Its fear.
And worry that everyone
Is somehow like him

The danger of sleepovers is
I had gotten really good at sleeping alone,
I never missed arms around me
I was comfortable
sprawled out on my little bed (made for one)
with my freedom
I never let anyone stay
...
but now
I kind of wish you were here when I lay down
your arms wrapped around my waist
and now I don't wanna sleep alone
I want you with me...
Is that weird

It's been a long time
since a boy has said I was funny
Or my intellect was alluring
and I wonder when I stopped
believing those things about myself
and its like the happier I am
The more that I find was missing.
And I wake up a little stronger everyday.
And I wonder how long it can be
like this
who do i become

Aint that the way of it though
Each new thing
You think you love more
But i guess (lately...doing this again)
What i really want to know
Is it really better (or more)
Or just different.

you feel like the light
In the morning
when you just know snow has fallen
and the golden hour of dawn
Is a bit more golden
and the air smells like frozen blueberries
something like the pale blue of your eyes
and you can hear
the fireplace in the next room crackle
and there is hot chocolate on the stove.
something like the warmth in your smile.
Thats something of how you feel
like warm winter blankets
holding me snugly in the sheets.
and a gust of cold
that steals my breath
through the thrown open window.
is something like being with you.

My city's streets are in flames
Because injustice and opression
Are far more common in america
Than libery and justice for all.

I shouldnt be excited
By you kissing me goodbye
in public
But my heart makes jack hammer beats
And i shouldnt
Love the way your voice sounds
But it makes music
And the fact that you love
The way i nerd out
Shouldent make me feel special
But it does

The way you want to talk about things
That i dont qiute understand
I like that you want to know me
Beyond just my bed
I want to know you too
And why you smile so big
And why your laugh
Sounds so sweet
And how you keep up
With your life which is facinating

I wanna see you again
And tease kisses
And run away from you
With a smile
You stare into my eyes
Like you are trying
To say something
And I am left wondering
What goes on in your head.

I mummbled "what do you want"
Trying to discover how I could please you
In tossed clothes passion
But you responded the next day
With what you want us to be
... and surprisingly
Im okay
With being your anything.
I didnt want to be anything to anyone
But there is something about you.

For the first time in months
I fell asleep smiling
And slept all hours
Untill long past dawn.