I am my worst captive
A prisoner of my own kind
Nothing brings me down faster than my own mind
I am my worst enemy
Love then hate myself you see...  
I don't care to be me
But being me will never set me free
I am stubborn in my own beliefs
I bend my knees for no one and in time you'll see...
That the biggest battle and wars that I fight are all amongst MYSELF,
THATS RIGHT.

Sweet 16 was when I found myself roomed in Cerritos psych ward,
2 other girls roomed with me,
One kinda like me,
I still have a piece of her converse sneaker logo as a suvenir of my teenage years,
The other girl was a beautiful girl,
Who cried everyday,
And slattered makeup before going to bed,
A beautiful girl with a stain in her smile,
And a **** to her ego,
I sat in this room and saw many come and go,
I'm still stuck here....
With a suicidal mind a flow,
Self esteem sunk low,
Taste for life gone bland,
Took this hand full of pills,
Hope to sleep at last... FOREVER.
Didn't happen,
I'm getting stuck with needles on a daily,
Monitored my food intake on a daily,
Anorexia nervosa won't let me,
But the girl at Cerritos psych,
She still my roomie and others are gone....
Then back,
Then gone again,
The pretty girl at Cerritos psych,
With big eyes, full lips and gorgeous brunette hair,
She's still stuck in Cerritos psych,
*** daddy told her that she's ugly and she's worthless only has a use for one thing,
And to this day I wonder if she ever saw her reflection??
Has she finally seen beauty within?
Or is she still stuck in Cerritos psych ward

Imma be popping these pills til I disappear,
Popping these pills til my mind is clear,
Walking down the street grin from ear to ear,
I worry about no one because I don't have any fear,
I can be the nicest person or your biggest regret,
But if you true and stick to your word than you have nothing to fret,
And I can bet just about anything even in my sedative state,
That I'm cool and step up to the plate,
My love is a wildfire that clears the most dense of forests,
My rage is weapon that cuts a person out as quickly as you cut a bad habit,
Which version of me you meet that's up to you to decide,
And if your true to form than you have nothing to hide,
But I keep it real,
Wether these wounds stay open or heal....
But I'll be popping these pills til the day that I die,
Because if I don't I split all my sides,
And that's when the darkness that hides takes its opportunity to come out and play in the dark,
Where the shadows dance and the moonlight makes musick with it's light

A broken woman holds many secrets,
Like an ocean with many unknown creatures lying deep in the darkest depths of the sea,
She holds herself like a glowing stallion,
Tall and proud,
Yet she is fragile like a wilting flower,
Despite headaches & heartbreak,
She still musters an undeniable unrelenting love,
Many awe in her glow,
Yet many throw away all that she gives,
She rises day to day chip on her shoulder,
Stitch on her heart,
But still produces enough love to raise children,
Be kind to those who are homeless,
And even those who are undeserving,
An injured woman is a vault of many secrets, worries and sleepless nights,
She's beautiful in all her colors,
Just like a bird with broken wings,
A butterfly without dust to her wings,
INCAPABLE to fly,
Yet she can STILL live & survive,
Although she can never take flight.

Don’t fall in love with me,
We know I’m not the one,
Don’t set your sights on me,
You know she’s just far gone,
Don’t try to buy my love,
Get clingy then I run,
I don’t believe in summer fun,
With summer love I’m DONE.

They say there's no place like home,
Tis True,

There is no way to describe what the displacement of Homelessness has done to me,
To my husband, to my kid,

It has taken his life,
One drink at a time,
It has stripped our daughter of security,
And has eaten away at my confidence,

The anguish is dense,
Between packing & couch hopping,
I've realized I own NOTHING.

EVERYTHING is DISPOSABLE,
I'm posable,
At the mercy of hands that feed,

Do you KNOW the toll it takes from me?

To go from being independent, proud of all I've worked so hard to own,
To hiding hunger pains so she can eat,
Never sleep, watch my surroundings incase we gotta up and leave,

From having a place of my own,
To call home....
To bird baths in gas stations, and sleeping in the cool air under the stars,

The buzz of traffic and drug addicts all of a SUDDEN become a lullaby,
Your home is kosher,
But out here it's a warzone filled with gangs and crooks,

You think you know the dark AND lived hard,
But can you keep a Stone face when your children question Why are we going thru this?

People pass by,
Glare with their eyes,
Make superficial judgements,
But I was once a nurse and legal aid a stable staple in society,

You turn your nose up, talk **** and snicker,
But let me ask you who's the bigger winner?
It's ME.
*** what you lack in conscienceness I make up with a heart that don't stop,

Its cracked and bloated,
It's bled and skipped beats,
But it's STILL worth more than the bucks you proudly came  with,

My hardships and trials built this great Wall of iron,
I'll burn like wildfire if you ever think that you can hold my head down,

But there's nothing like home,
I'm BROKE it don't show,
And no one will ever know,
Don't judge a book by its cover,
Read the last page and think you know the struggle,

Take a step back view the entire picture,
Crack the spine and begin to read thru,
What you don't know it way surprise you,
You were going thru cubic zirconia's,
**** you might find a DIAMOND.

I'll tell you what it's like,
To be a Mother & play Father,
How I had to explain why daddy didn't call on her birthday,
How he didn't meet her under the tree @school...

Like he did every morning to say:
"What are you going to be when you grow up?"
A MODEL, A SCIENTIST, AN ARTIST
Then he kissed her and parted with: " I love you, I'll see you later"
BECAUSE WE NEVER SAY GOODBYE, GOODBYE IS FOREVER,

So I'll tell you how it feels to be a mother of a child with a deceased Father....

It feels like my life is not my own now,
It feels like I'm only good because I have her,
It taste almost like Failure because this image of the perfect family I never had, that I tried to build... Is now more broken than the one I grew up in,

It feels like SACRIFICE,
Tears & Laughter ALL @THE SAME TIME,
Being a Mother feels like Im starved, sleep deprived, and on my toes at any given times,

But... It's OK..
Because I KNOW SHE NEVER NEEDS or HUNGERS for anything,
I ignore my own needs to meet hers,
I never treat myself because if I do I feel guilty for not treating her,

Every Xmas I pay the bills,
And spend the remainder EVERY PENNY ON HER,
And it's OK... Because I live to see that smile on her face,

Being a mother feels like your a great Wall of salt rock standing firm against the tides,
That relentlessly pound & crash into your aching bones,
Being a mother feels like you draw strength and power that you NEVER had before,

Being a Mother proves an empty shattered sould can harvest love in the darkest of places,
Being a mother morphs you into super woman,
All of a sudden you can fight the world,
If ANYONE attempts to harm my girl,

Being a mother is smiling thru the day, breaking down at night,
Wake up in the morning, wipe them tears til Dry,
Cook, Clean, Work, every night,
Bend over backwards til it's almost natural,

Being a Mother shows the world that even though your ****** up,
YOU COULD MAKE SOMETHING SO PERFECT IN THIS WORLD.

DONT TOUCH ME.

Don't shake my hand,
Don't bump into me,
JUST DONT TOUCH ME!!
For every touch is a hurtful reminder,
Every sound becomes a hightened panic attack,
Just don't touch me.
For every graze of the fingers is a stinging ache,
Every flinch a silent reminder....
Of helplessness,
Every stare becomes a question of:
Do they know?
Can they smell him on me?...
Who told?
Who knows?
The shame bestowed upon me... .. .
Don't look at me!
Or in my direction... In fact do not acknowledge me,
I'd like to remain invisible for now,
Don't hug me for embrace is no longer a comfort,
Just what feels like a forced entrapment,
Don't you look at me, for it feels like nausea and a razor's edge that cuts thru and thru,
DONT TOUCH ME!!!
For I am not yours to touch,
and NO.... you are not welcomed,
That's for ANYONE that seeks me,
Just don't touch me,
For every touch is just another agonizing miserable moment I could not escape even if I wanted to...
And the human touch has become now my biggest FEAR.

I wouldn't be so lost...
If you would have just stayed with me..
I lost my place,
I lost my head,
I'm running in circles with no end,
I keep you to my left,
Left is closest to the heart,
I loved you more than I could ever love myself,
I wasted time..
I wasted my peace of mind,
on YOU,
****, I wasted a lifetime when I erased your mistakes,
Your not my lover not even my friend,
Your now just a stranger that got lost in my head.

Is the glass half empty or half full?
Idk depends on your point of view,
Are you a pessimist or an optimist?
Do you see the world in grey or thru rose colored glasses??
I say the glass is just empty,
I've tipped over the glass and emptied it's contents,
In the same manner you emptied me,
See I dug up the courage and what little I had of my old self left to take a chance....
On you.
But you... You took every last drop of life I had in me,
Left me dry like a dessert,
Discarded like an unwanted pet,
See you made a demon out of me,
A fool,
an empty hole,
A shadow of the girl I used to be,
Want to be,
Never be.
Ever again,
Because this time I'm swearing off...
And I won't love,
Or give anymore pieces of my broken self to ANYONE again,
You are all undeserving,
So drink your half full glass and leave it EMPTY.

I wrapped it up in foil,
I didn't want it to ever spoil,
I stuck it in the freezer,
Heard freezing prolongs shelf life,
I wrapped it up in foil,
But freezerburn has set in,
It's destroying all the good that was left deep within,
I wrapped it up in foil,
But her heart was a machine never oiled,
I wrapped it up in foil,
But with your touch she was quick to spoil.

Your just like toilet paper...
See thru like a colorform,
Your just like toilet paper...
Use once and then destroy,
Your just like toilet paper...
Weak-willed tears up when in rain,
Your just like toilet paper...
Drop you in a porcelain thrown just rid of you like a bad habit,
Your just like Toilet Paper...
Wipe my *** with your face when I'm done giving a ****,
Your just like toilet paper...
You are only a DISPOSABLE poor excuse of a human being!

One pill for this,
One pill for that,
One pill to tilt,
One pill to numb,
One pill closer to dumb,
One pill to feel,
One pill to cry,
One pill to live,
One pill too close to die,
One pill to replace... and fill the hole you left behind.

You came from a distant country,
For a slice of paradise,
You gazed upon starry eyes,
While yours agaped with silent lies,
A young girl's dream adrift on innocence,
Without remorse you took a gift ,
And prayed upon the ignorance...
Of beautiful island girls with dreams,
Selling themselves short at only fourteen,
It's such a tragedy,
Yet and no they weren't ready,
To be children having children selling beauty because there's mouths to feed,
Working the "bar" hoping prince charming will save them from poverty,
Instead they get misused,
Naivlely chaising the DREAM,
Of one love, pure true love,
White weddings, homes that are steady,
But foreigners come to realize *******,
You come to this country & more and more races,
Keep traveling leaving mixed faces,
Spreading their seed,
Then up and leave,
Forcing children to be mother's,
Making children to be *******,
While you go invest in homes and boats,
Foreigner's seed spreads like wildfire,
Most children don't even know their own fathers,
All they know is poverty and hunger,
You come and go act like you don't know,
Half black, half German, half Irish philipino faces,
Young girls forced to sell their dignity for a dollar  & some clean water,
Beauty hides their pain and anguish,
They keep pushing so their kids aren't famished,
The foreigners gift..
Rose-colored promise,
Of a life better than this,
Where mother doesn't sleep with strangers,
Goes to bed hungry because she feeds her offspring,
In a paradise where ****** education is a myth,
Contraception & abortion is a sin,
But ******* is accepted leaving both children and women victims,
Of the Foreigner's lust and greed,
Yet everyday she walks with PRIDE,
Deep inside the scar of life,
But you came from a distant village....
Gazed upon those starry eyes,
Broke the girl AND the dream and this was the Foreigner's GiFT.

I looked past the reflection...
The one that sees me real,
I push past the rejection,
In your mind I've disappeared,
Every now and then I reappear,
Like the ghost of Xmas past materialize... Solidify my existence,
As much as you may want me gone,
I stay an unrelenting wave that crashes hard against your walls,
See I won't let you forget me,
Forget the hurt bestowed upon me,
I look past the foggy reflection...
Of who I used to be before,
Before love, before hate, before YOU & ME,
Before we became a "thing"
another flash from the past that should have stayed right where it was... left,
BEHIND.

I tried the best I could,
But you never would,
Take a helping hand,
Instead you picked up a bottle and you fled,

Locked, lost inside your mind,
Schizophrenia you couldn't hide,
It got worse and worse with each swig you swallowed,

I tried to be your backbone,
I twisted myself so far backwards that my spine had snapped too,

I tried to hold your hand,
All the way onto dry land,
Instead you pulled me under,
And then I too drowned in this water,

It's hard to comprehend, empathize, understand,
How hard it is to balance on the razors edge,

It's hard to watch somebody you love wither away,
I tried for the longest to preserve you ,
But in the process I too disintegrated  into nothingness,

Still I tried to hold onto that memory of the person I fell in love with, Hoping that you'd come back someday,
Instead your mind was altered,
And it became to falter,
The schizophrenia of yours left me no choice but to abandon,
Both home and this marriage,

Although I didn't want to,
But you became dangerous,
Threaten to take my child and tell her that you had to **** me,

And now it's life or death,
It's you or me,
And only ONE can be left standing,

So I made my decision,
I had to walk away,
Before I too lost my sanity.

But I tried so hard to be the glue,
To preserve both me and you our daughter too,
But I'm only human,
I'm not invincible,

But your lack of trying and this constant fighting,
It left me tattered & broken,
And it just left me feeling like I am the walking DEAD.

Shes a tiny glass menagerie
Action packed just let her be,
She's jaded she's not broken,
Her boiling rage is just a token,
Her best feature,
She's a creature beneath the human skin,
Underlying,  there's no denying,
The past is exactly what had built her,
Why yes, oh yes, she's beautiful,
A beautiful disaster dancing in a music box,
Dancing circles around dismounted dreams,
She stares at her reflection....
Her only true companion... A reflection of a cracked girl trapped within the mirror

Poetry flows thru my pen,
Like blood flows thru my veins,
If I try to just write a piece it fails because it wasn't naturally,
I jot down my best pieces when in a rage or melancholia,
I see words as pictures in my brain,
Playing movie rheels inside my head,
Words of sorrow flow thru my pen like a ship sailing across the deep blue sea,
No one really knows my sorrows,
I'm good at hiding what you cannot SEE.

When the words enter my brain I have to capture them right there and then,
Put pen to paper,
Jot down sudden burst of emotions that overflow me with PTSD, Rage, Sorrow, & Hate,

I see the words just as clear as I see a human being infront of me,
I see words that sink deep into my mind's eye bright with COLOR,
And the words of dark poetry escapes my hand with a fluidity even water couldn't be so clear,

But if I TRY to actually write a piece....
Before the words come to ME....
The words seem forced and coerced,
The flow of the song, the poem is choppy like a break in the wind,

See.... I DONT NEED TO TRY..
To write,
I don't need to brainstorm a perfect cluster of words manicured to perfection,
The "perfection" is the imperfections that have made me the girl who writes dark poetry,

You appreciate my words because they ARE NOT coerced or forced,
But they are REAL to feel,
Because EVERY word, poem, song I've ever written is the roadmap of the roads that IS my life,
Not a Hollywood story or fiction,
But an insight to my afflictions,

My dark poetry are songs never sung,
Words never touched,
Emotions that are Raw and come in the truest of forms,
Pulling @your heartstrings,
Drawing tears from dry tear ducts,
Surfacing feelings when you thought you didn't have none,

I can write 5 poems @a time,
Put the pen down have a writters block for Months,
I don't try to Force words of poetry,
Because I want to project an authentic feeling,
Felt & written in a sporadic moment in time,

So see... I Don't have to TRY,
Being a dark Poet IS a skin I have.

Sometimes I miss the DARKNESS..
It's where I always feel safe,
Where shadows never follow... Because they are created by LIGHT,
I've NEVER been a child of God,
I frolick in the night,
Sometimes I even miss the PAIN,
It makes me feel ALIVE,
They say "Come to the Light"
But that's too close to DYING, like flirting with suicide,
Sometimes I miss the darkness...
It's cool, crisp kiss upon thy cheek,
Right here I can cry FREELY,
And no one See's a tear,
I'm married to the darkness,
His cold- hearted bride frozen in Suspended time,
Because everybody knows if you follow the light...
YOU ARE SOON TO DIE,
And no one escapes the REAPER... for you cannot DIE TWICE.

The days tease me with sunny skies,
And summer lovers that pass me by,
Their happiness I envy as I grow to deeply hate them,

Reminding me of Summers past when I too roamed carelessly in love,
With a skip to my stride and a twinkle in my eye,
But that all died.
And now I'm just another fading memory in your mind.

The nights are quiet and lonely,
I'm always restless I think of You ONLY,
The nights are just as silent as I am,
Never speak just another mystery just like the night,
And it's at night you come to mind,
I drink, I smoke and write but a remedy I could not find...

I've changed my bedding,
Deleted pictures & threw away this scrapbook of your memory,
Filled with EVERY memory of us,
From concert & movie tickets, county fairs, Thanksgiving wishbones,
I collected all these things & maticulously in timeline order
Made this scrapbook of "NEW" memories in hopes they'd replace all of my bad ones.

But now that too is out of sight along with everything that came from YOU,
I cannot bare to stare at another reminder that is you,
Sweet memories I chuckle to,
Then shortly followed by the salt of tears,
Bittersweet memories aquired in 2 yrs.

The appliances you bought for the home we'll never have,
Saved tv shows and movies that we watched every night,
The empty space in my bed that you used to take up,
The cool breeze brushes my cheek now because you kept me warm at night,

I miss you most during the night,
And close to holidays,
Because I hadn't celebrated anything before you for years on end,
I now avoid ANYTHING that I can put your face to,
See all these things just intensifies my pain,

I crave the warmth of your body In the night,
I choke on unspoken emotions as I hold onto pillows tight,
I miss the scent of your skin,
And the masses of your long dark hair,
The safety of laying on your chest,
And subtle sounds of your breathing,

I'm lonely all the time,
Despite all that are near me,
The days mock me with it's light,
The night's remind me of what I have not,
I've become a biohazard with all the poisons that I ingest,
Trying.. just trying to blur out my loneliness,
Sedate my restlessness so I can sleep again.

I dread grocery shopping used to do that with you,
I rarely ever cook now *** we used to do that too,
I barely sleep,
I never eat,
My body aches from all the weight I shed,
I just wish that I could shake this stinging aching memory of you before I'm dead

Why is it that human kind are at the top of the line.... Yet we cannot be kind to ourselves let alone a fellow human being?!??
Why we may have thumbs,
And walk upright,
Have the biggest brain,
Enough to have the option to make choice,
Yet we've lost our voice,
We are the worst animals on planet Earth....
But do you know WHY???
Because with our "big brains" we chose to hold another down,
Instead of bringing them a step up,
We chose to hurt, lie and ****** just out of greed,
Just for kicks,
Yet an animal does only solely to survive,
Maintain their race,
Yet we destroy each other with such haste,
convinced this is the only way to come up,
We are the human animal,
Because nothing of our way of being shows were anything more that just another animal,
The only difference is we walk, we speak, we "think" or so we should.....
Instead we step on toes,
Cause more woe,
Let greed run our ****** up minds,
But we are all just human-animals,
Blessed with a posable thumb!

I don't even speak your name,
Doing so is just a waste,
No I don't call you out by name,
You and dog are all the same,
No won't even mutter under my breath,
Your name to my lips is poison that brings me to my death,
No I don't speak your name,
Because your name doesn't deserve a place upon my silent lips

Don't be fooled by a beautiful girl,
Her shadow only follows to keep her enemy closer,
The biggest monster is not the one who lies under the bed,
but the one who stares you back in the mirror everyday,
With the face of an Angel and the spirit of sin,
Her wings made of broken glass,
Her Halo but a needle hole in a darkened sky,
She is galaxies away in her own head,
She lost herself when chivalry went dead,
Don't mistaken sweet faces for saints,
Remember Lucifer once was God's right hand wingman

One day you will love me...
Really, really want me,
That day will be cloudy...
Dark and lonely,
It'll be faulty just like you,
One day you will see me...
But it won't be me you see,
Just a lively fading memory not at all the girl I used to be,
One day you will love me,
Want to hold me,
It's too bad for it will be too late,
And you will cry a river knowing..
That she loves someone else,
Someone better,
Someone sweet,
Someone that isn't YOU.

We’re women.
Men have it easy....
Home is not the house you stand upon nor is it the land it’s sitting on,
It’s WOMEN,
We are the neck in which ever direction I turn, turns your head,
This house is a house of paper cards,
It crumbles in a fire,
It rots in water,
It’s WOMEN,
The backbone, the care & the shelter you call HOME,
Without ME...
you are just a man standing, children crying, lost and pouting,
I am a WOMAN,
Bringer of life,
Maker of Home & Love,
I am NEVER allowed to be seen crying,
To show emotion or have feelings,
We are “meant to look pretty” smile with grace thru the grit of my teeth,
I must remain a WOMAN.
Taker of all that’s impossible,
Splitting myself into so many others to...
Warm up your HOME, soften your heart when it’s too cold and rigid,
I am a WOMAN,
Always expected to be strong,
Full proof SMILE thru the ache and weakness,
So your house is not your HOME.
It is I WOMAN birthing of life,maker of husbands and home,
It is I WOMAN that rules the earth that makes your happy place
HOME.

Her smile radiates like the rays of the sun,
underlying like pieces of broken glass and a fake facade,
guarding what little of a self-esteem she's got,
her skin aglow with a pristine shine, so bright you might go blind,
there's no one like her at all,
so cool you'll lose your mind,
but she don't even know...
that within her perfection grows an undeniable love,
that she hides and guards with her life one piece at a time,
mending shattered fragments of her blown up heart,
but some pieces went astray,
caught in the current of the wind,
her will you cannot bend,
bones she will break and pronounce you dead,
eat you up as you Decay,
don't mistaken beauty for carelessness,
she's always watching got eyes in the back of her head,
never leaves her guard down,
sleeps with one eye open,
into the lions den,
betray a queen you're a dead man,
she glows like sunset,
demands respect,
Bakes her cake and eats it too,
don't be a simple fool,
You can't Resist the serenade of a siren,
how can you mistaken muffled cries for the song that birds sing?
halo's but I needle hole in the sky,
wings broke hand in hand with her soul,
how does she radiate as rare diamonds do?
you was but a fool when you traded her in for fools gold

You were never Superman,
You didn't save the day,
Just flashed by like a great parade,
And when the big show's done, you up and left.

You were never prince charming,
Chivalry is DEAD,
Just like a spoiled boy wearing a crown,
But never looks ahead,

You were never the antidote,
More like cyanide a poison to my veins,

And you were never gonna bring me back to life....
You can't bring back what's ALREADY DEAD.

She danced in circles by the Sea,
Barefoot, a hypnotic scene,
He gazed in awww, as her silhouette met with the sunset
A view like this has to be heaven sent,
she danced in circles as if carefree, drowning her sorrows by the Sea,
He watched her fondly... and for a minute buried all his woes,
under the sand where no one goes,
just for a moment in time the world rolls on,
We're stuck in a gaze,
We shared agony and love with such a Grace,
For one last time she danced in circles against a reddening sunset,
Eyes locked she got to see....
for one last time,
His smile,
His laughter and his humanity

She's like Hypnotic Poison,
A bittersweet juicy fruit,
But fallen far from the rotten tree,
Her kiss like belladonna,
The beautiful flower also known as Deadly nightshade,
It all depends on how you approach her,
A sour patch kid,
she can be sweet but then she's sour,
She throws hands like an older brother,
But she can be loving like a mother,
Her love is like a gamble,
It all depends on the deck you handle,
To those fortunate enough to know her...  She's a bubbly comforting ray of sunshine on the gloomiest of days,
Although she's stained with pain,
It's beautiful to see,
It makes you feel like your not stained by life and misery,
Sometimes you'll miss her sorrow,
It lets you know SHES REAL,
She wears the stain of life so well,
As if parading the latest trend,
She makes a mockery of all her pain,
like she never felt the sting of it,
He says she smells like a smoke machine,
I guess the compliment is fitting,
She clouds the mind then dissapates,
As easily as she came,
She's open yet her walls are high,
Puts the wall of china to shame,
She only brings her walls down,
If you stop trying to climb them,
She's sickly sweet like ******,
Addicting, she feels good but you know you can't control her,
She swallows your soul whole,
she draws out your darkest secrets,
Romanticizing all of it,
She smells like a Halloween smoke machine,
Smoke and mirrors,
A tantalizing scene,
She drinks like she's about to swallow an entire ocean,
Inhales cigarettes and *** like it gives her air to breath,
She covers up the smell of disdain,
But she's still a smoke machine,
And everyone calls her Savage but her name is PRIMA JEAN

I don't know who else to talk to...
I see a shrink but I can't even spill,
I got so many things to say but when it comes down to it the words and thoughts don't escape my lips,
The heaviness of the load is hard to carry,
The only time I can release is in the dark under the moonlight,
I walk outside, stare at the sky have lonely conversations with myself,
I feel so lost,
I have no will to even try to get myself out,
I look at myself now and I don't know who I am...
I don't like what I see,
I don't even recognize the reflection the stares upon me,
I can't even see the me before all of this,
I've gone so far that I can't even reach the old me,
The infinity of the nothingness I feel is quickly devouring me,
I contemplated suicide almost everyday,
The only reason that I stay is because I'm not that selfish,
I wanna die, I want to so bad but now I'm bound and I cannot go thru with it,
I cannot leave my baby with the emptiness Her father left me with after his death,
I grit my teeth and bare the weight,
My bones are slowly crushing,
But I can't leave my baby girl with the pain and hopelessness my passing will implant within

I thought you were my life line,
But nah, you were my flat line,
The day that I was born you took my breath away,
And not in a good way,
I left myself and any good left in me that day...
The day you decided this should end,
I thought you were a direct line,
To my life ***,
But you were just a straight shot,
To a flat line,
My demise,
I thought you threw me a line,
To help me up,
Instead you were a death trap,
Painted in beautiful colors

Not a day goes by I don't whisper your name,
Speak to the winds,
Search in the sky for he brightest light,
At night the cool crisp air embraces me,
It's when I feel you the most,
No, you never speak,
Or answer my questions...
I take these dimes I find laying about as a token of your presence,
Trade my sorrows for vague signs of life,
But not a day goes by without missing you,
Without feeling like I'm only a partial of my former self

Sometimes, I can't hold it together,
My silence isn't really strength,
Sometimes, it's an emotional shock,
So my silence is to keep me from falling apart,
Sometimes, I just need a solid a hug,
To keep all my broken pieces from falling apart,
But sometimes, it's just too much to ask,
Because everyone assumes I'm in no need for human affection,
Most times, I just hold my breath,
I feel my exploding heart in my neck,
Sometimes, I just need a hug,
Something genuine where people aren't trying to take advantage to feel me up.

You didn’t break the girl
Just nearly cracked her
She spun around so fast
She’s out of sight now

You didn’t break the girl
Just barely scratched her
Covers the damage you have done
It’s all despite you

Got close enough that you could touch her
you ****** that up, but how?
She’s miles from you now

She fills the cracks,
same way you fill the pavement when it has a crack or two

Cosmetic fix,
****** mix,
It’s in her blood too,
Beneath the makeup there’s a scar or two,

You didn’t break the girl....
Just left her cracked against the sidewalk,
You can fix a broken mirror but....
You’ll ALWAYS see the crack in it,
It stares right at you,

And with two glass eyes she’ll stare you down too.

I've got a great big hole inside of me,
It’s eating up the rest of me,
I got a nasty case of the empty,
I stuff it with my vices but it never fills,
I don’t recognize the girl before me,
I let you take the rest of her,
I made my vow,
I’ll never love anyone again,
I’ll never open,
Never smile,
Never sing another song again,
I’ve got a great big hole inside of me,
Killing all that used to be,
I wear a shell,
You couldn’t tell?
I fake it very well,
**** it to hell,
I’ve worn this disguise since the day I fell.

"SANITY OF THE INSANE"
By: Let et ScaR

The dark spots on the floor are moving closer to me,
I don't know if its real, or if its dream.

The faint sounds that are afar seem up close, but no one hears their static noise but me....
I then start to question my own sanity,
And fail to recall, insanity is just a pattern.

We all wake to do the same mundane thing everyday,
Insanity is just doin the same thing over and over again.
Am I the only one to see these things?
And through a side glance I see shadows running free.
But when I turn to look they dissipate,
Should I question Insanity???

You run thru my forests,
Set fires thru my grassy
Dry hair,
I warm your homes with firewood,
And feed your hunger with wildlife for it is in my nature,
You drink from my rivers,
I quench your thirst with my bodies of water,
You poison my oceans with the waste of your spills,
The curves of my body provide lands in which you foolishly ****, with your littering and machines you created,
I give you air to breathe so you may exist within my being,
My clouds cry acidic rain in despair of the abuse you may bring,
My lands & oceans make a blueprint that is my body...
I make life your very existstance,
But you've damaged my O-Zone layer,
Giving no care like a player,
Polluted my air with your venomous clouds,
And depleting my oxygen with every tree you've cut down,
You gamble in my deserts,
Sin in my cities, claim foreign lands,
But I can be alpha &/or Omega.. the beginning or the end of life,
I sing you faint lullaby's you can hear in the atmosphere,
You can feel the curves of my body in my forests, mountains, lakes and sea's,
You can ******* sorrow with every icy raindrop,
You can rejoice in the scent of the damp earth on a rainy day, the sweetness of a rose in a garden, or the bliss of a pine in a forest,
I am home to all that bleeds,
Mother to all that breathes,
I am the foundation of life,
I am mother to all... I am Mother Nature.

whatever happened to You and me against the world?
and when did you become the world against me?
when did declarations of Love become declarations of war and woe?
when did you stop being my lover and become my foe?
when did my best friend become my biggest threat?
when did hugs and kisses become a trade for sticks and Stones?
when did you begin breaking the bones you swore you'd mend?
when did longing loving stares become dagger threatening glares?
when did you decide to trade love in a for war?
hugs to scorns,
when did we stop fighting for eachother?
and start fighting one another?
when did you become the world against myself?

Most times I stay silent,
My sight wandering off into space, into day, into the nothingness of life,
A billion of scrambled hopeless thoughts racing to crowd dark crevices of my mind,
Infecting the wellness of my psyche,
A cancer that makes you powerless in agonizing pain,
And I don't ask for much....
I don't wanna burden anyone with the weight I carry,
So I keep it,
Carry it.. til my arms are too heavy to hold up,
Til my legs give out and my knees bend with a struggle,
I don't expect much...
I don't want much,
I just needed ONE,
One person I can call a friend,
One person that can hold my hand....
One person I can say I can count on,
One person I can release all my anguish out to so that the weight don't wear we down,
Just one,
One person who cares,
Just one person whom I can count on BELIEVE KNOW that Everytime I'm in need they got me,
No hesitation, trade or game,
Just a true fellow friend

She is the methamphetamine queen, hard and lean,
Tall and mean.
But she doesn't think,
*** she's sunk so deep.
Never in her wildest dreams did she dream of this,
To smoke up her dreams.
Caught up in a summer's eve,
With her skin a glow,
Blew her first cloud of smoke,
To swallow her whole.
Without reason or remorse,
Blindly to this course,
Caught up in that summer haze,
Got lost in that methamphetamine daze,
Now she hides in the shadows of the night,
Fixing her next high.
She's the methamphetamine queen.
Hollow yet so deep,
But what made her start?
She was so **** smart.
Now she's pale and wasted,
The lost she can taste them,
As she comes crawling out of her dark alley way,
She Misguides them her way.....
She's the queen of methamphetamine,
Cold and dead,
Off with your head.
She don't care none.
High and dry,
Too broke to get high.
So she lures them in.
To her world of self -destruction.
With no concept of time, or why?
Living to get high,
Hiding from the light.
*** at night she's beautiful and free,
And in the day she's ugly and unclean.
But what made her turn to this?
Screams of **** and ******.
She took control of her best weapon of them all,
Her body.
Her temple.
Weathered.
With the pains her beauty brings....
Screams of help....
Cries in questions......
Why her beauty made her target,
Of deviance, abuse, and hopelessness.
She's the methamphetamine queen....
So tired and on speed.
She was all you dreamed.....
Beautiful, carefree....
She's the methamphetamine queen.....
High-strung and light years apart.
She's the methamphetamine queen,
Tall and lean.
Hard and mean....
She's the methamphetamine queen/ faded dream.
You can show her the way.....
But she hesitates.
Bring her all the wonders of the world,
But she don't care.
And she don't feel or sleep or eat.... *** she's.....
THE METHAMPHETAMINE QUEEN.

"GOODMOURNING"

There's so many things weighing so heavy,
In my chest full of regrets,
Full of sadness and the darkeness,
And things I never said,

Like how much I really loved you,
And how it hurt to walk away,
When you became a danger,
To your wife and your kid,

The survivor's guilt it's so heavy,
Weighing down like an iron anchor,
With a heart full of anger, pain and emptiness,

All the things I never said,
What our baby said to you on your last day,
It rings echoing in my head,
It's like salt rubbed in a wound after your pour lemon onto it,

It just stings and burns,
You can't shake it,
It don't go away,
They say time heals all wounds....
But I haven't witnessed this yet,

It's been 3 yrs. Now,
You say time can heal but how?
*** my soul is oh so weary,
And my heart quickly defeated,

All the things I never said,
Dues I should have paid,
Tell you how much we loved you,
Thank you for the times you made us smile,
Thank you for the time we shared,
And even though we had our problems,
You were always a great father,

But I'm permanently stuck in mourning,
And words that I wish I could have said and never did,
There was so much left say...
But I never got the chance,
And I just wanna say:
GOOD BYE would have been nice

I Press the cigarette against my skin until it bubbles and it pops,
Like water does when you over boil it,
I pick the scab until it bleeds
In the same way you left me,
I hurt myself to rid the pain,
But I don’t feel a thing,
I blur the lines between the versions of myself,
You call the monster within me, because the girl is nowhere to be seen,
I drown my sorrows by the sea,
I let you in but, you never saw me,
Then yet again...
I don’t know the reflection that stands before me,
I hoped with time the wound would heal, but that was just a myth,
I split myself into pieces so small you can’t ever collect,
They say I’ll go to heaven,
if only I repent,
But it’s too late.. I’ve become the serpent you regret,
I’ll wrap myself around you til your dying breath,
I’ll take you down below the ground to hell and you will never tell,
Scream and cry all that you want,
but no one will hear you now,
You thought that I was through with you,
Like you were through with me,
And all that I can really say is: “Oh well!"
With a side glance and a crooked smile.

Mommy, why Daddy didn't call?
She didn't know he'll never call again,
Not on this birthday or the next,
He left this Earth for a better place,
I couldn't bare to see her cry,
Not on this day,
This is HER day,
But the awful truth was eating me,
As I contemplated what words to say,
How to explain.. HE'S GONE.
She says:
"Mommy, can we look for Daddy?"
I held my breath,
We rode a train and then she said:
"He's not here.. I can't feel him.."
She knew the truth before it was ever said,
I knew that dreaded day would come,
When I'd have to tell her why,
Why he hasn't met up with her under the tree everyday for school,
Why he didn't call to say happy birthday to you,
So I put together a scrapbook,
Of all our memories with Dad,
One night as we swing side by side at the park,
I finally told her why....
I heard her heart cracking in half,
And this is why Daddy didn't call that day.

Some day I'll be able to speak your name without any pain,
One day I'll talk about all the wonderful things you said,
Some day I'll be able to talk about the highlights of our lives together,
But today I avoid mention of your name *** the ache is too much to handle,
One day I'll be able to speak your name without tears rolling down my face,
Some day I'll fully forgive myself & not carry survivors guilt that stained me after your death,
One day I too will close my eyes FOREVER return to the ground I lay on,
Some day I won't blame myself and will be able to speak about you without chocking back tears