I am my worst captive
A prisoner of my own kind
Nothing brings me down faster than my own mind
I am my worst enemy
Love then hate myself you see...  
I don't care to be me
But being me will never set me free
I am stubborn in my own beliefs
I bend my knees for no one and in time you'll see...
That the biggest battle and wars that I fight are all amongst MYSELF,
THATS RIGHT.

Sweet 16 was when I found myself roomed in Cerritos psych ward,
2 other girls roomed with me,
One kinda like me,
I still have a piece of her converse sneaker logo as a suvenir of my teenage years,
The other girl was a beautiful girl,
Who cried everyday,
And slattered makeup before going to bed,
A beautiful girl with a stain in her smile,
And a **** to her ego,
I sat in this room and saw many come and go,
I'm still stuck here....
With a suicidal mind a flow,
Self esteem sunk low,
Taste for life gone bland,
Took this hand full of pills,
Hope to sleep at last... FOREVER.
Didn't happen,
I'm getting stuck with needles on a daily,
Monitored my food intake on a daily,
Anorexia nervosa won't let me,
But the girl at Cerritos psych,
She still my roomie and others are gone....
Then back,
Then gone again,
The pretty girl at Cerritos psych,
With big eyes, full lips and gorgeous brunette hair,
She's still stuck in Cerritos psych,
*** daddy told her that she's ugly and she's worthless only has a use for one thing,
And to this day I wonder if she ever saw her reflection??
Has she finally seen beauty within?
Or is she still stuck in Cerritos psych ward

He loves me...
I can tell by the way he smiles at me,
He loves me...
I can tell by the way he looks at me,
He scars me...
With a single word he shoots me down,
He drowns me,
With words of sweet nothingness .
But I know.
Yes I know... He'll never leave,
*** I know he loves to torture me the most,
He Loves me...
I can tell by the way my face has swelled,
But he loves me.
I can tell by the shades of purples and green,
He calls me....
Only to soothe his own shame & guilt.
And drowns me...
In a sea of liquor so he can have his way with me.
But I.....
I stay.
*** I know nothing more....
Than this life of misuse and abuse.
But he loves me!
I can tell by his apologies,
But he loves me....
I can tell by the dozen roses he sent to me.
Oh he chokes me.....
With the same hands that once comfort me,
And he burns me,
Faster than a house on fire.
But he loves me.......
He can be violent, harsh, and sweet,
And I spend my days walking on a wire,
But he loves ME!!
I can tell by the way he says: "IM SORRY."

"SANITY OF THE INSANE"
By: Let et ScaR

The dark spots on the floor are moving closer to me,
I don't know if its real, or if its dream.

The faint sounds that are afar seem up close, but no one hears their static noise but me....
I then start to question my own sanity,
And fail to recall, insanity is just a pattern.

We all wake to do the same mundane thing everyday,
Insanity is just doin the same thing over and over again.
Am I the only one to see these things?
And through a side glance I see shadows running free.
But when I turn to look they dissipate,
Should I question Insanity???

"IN A WEEK"
By: Let et ScaR

YEA, THEY LEFT ME
LEFT ME HERE.
THEY LEFT ME,
SOMEWHERE IN THE DRIED UP GRASS….

YEA, THEY LEFT ME.
LEFT ME HERE.
HIGH & DRY BUT IT WONT LAST….
THEY'LL FIND ME DRIED IN THE SANDS OF TIME....

YEA,  THEY LEFT ME.
FORGOTTEN ALL I'VE DONE.
BUT THEY WONT SEE MY FRUITFUL WAYS,
UNTIL I'M LONG DEAD & GONE...

YEA, THEY FOUND ME.
SOMEWHERE IN AN EMPTY FIELD,
INCASED IN A FROZEN PARALLEL OF TIME.

YEA, THEY LEFT ME.
WHEN I WAS HIGH & DRY ......
& MY TEAR DUCTS WERE TO DRY TO MUSTER A CRY.

YEA, THEY LEFT ME.
THEY LEFT ME HERE TO DIE.
WHEN THEY'VE TAKEN ALL I'VE HAD,
TO TURN THEIR BACKS WHEN I CAME BACK HUNGRY FOR AN ACT OF KINDNESS.

BUT NOW THEY'LL SEE.....
IN A ABOUT A WEEK.
WHEN THEY FIND ME...
& THE INSECTS HAVE ALREADY FED ON ME.

YA.....
THEY'LL SEE.  WHEN THEIR FRUITS AREN'T SWEET.
WHY THEY DON'T ENJOY....
CAUSE THEY ALL FED ON ME.
AND I ABSORBED ALL THEIR BITTERNESS, IN RETURN FOR FRUITFUL SEEDS.

BUT NOW THEY TOO....
WILL DECAY LIKE ME.
BECAUSE THERE'S NO ONE THERE TO SWALLOW THEIR PAIN.

AND THEY'LL REMEMBER....
THE DAY THEY WALKED AWAY...
AND LEFT ME HERE.
WHEN I WAS HIGH & DRY, TO DIE ALONE & RETURN ONCE MORE....
INTO THE GROUND
INTO THE DIRT THAT I ONCE CAME FROM
ONCE UPON A TIME.

I miss you.....
with a passion,
With a fire that has no extinguishing,
I miss you like a baby misses her blanket,
And the moon misses the eclipse of the sun.
I miss you.
Like a child misses her daddy,
And the ocean misses the tides,
I miss you.
Like night misses day and day misses night.
I need you like a diabetic needs insulin,
And the crazed need their meds.
I'm hungry....
For the warmth of your body, and the sweetness of your caress.
I'm craving.....
Like a dopefien in fasting and the vein to the needle.
But I.....
I miss you.
Like a soldier missing an arm and a leg

It's sad.
People think I'm doing better,
But I've only gotten better at masking the pain,
And I wish that it would all wash away with the rain...
But it's California,
It never rains,
So I carry this ache like the heavy weight,
Of a dead man,
Disguising my brokenness with a smile,
Try to hold it just a little while,
Long enough to run to the bathroom,
Run the shower,
So I can finally release the distress of holding it all in,
All my glued together pieces of my broken soul,
And I sit in here let the hot water scorch my crooked spine,
As I sit here and cry,
On the bathtub floor and the bathroom floor,
As I nod my head and beat my brain and subtly let out muffled screams,
It's sad,
It stings and Burns and hurts,
I rather be tortured and bruised,
Then I compose myself,
Cover up the decay,
And take a deep breath,
Prepare myself and step back out like I didn't just break down,
But no one knows about it.

I wrapped it up in foil,
I didn't want it to ever spoil,
I stuck it in the freezer,
Heard freezing prolongs shelf life,
I wrapped it up in foil,
But freezerburn has set in,
It's destroying all the good that was left deep within,
I wrapped it up in foil,
But her heart was a machine never oiled,
I wrapped it up in foil,
But with your touch she was quick to spoil.

"MUST BE NICE"
It must be nice
To catch a break
It must be nice
To walk unscathed
It must be nice to sleep at night
Believe you've done everything right
It must be nice
To have no fault
No fault you claim your own
It must be nice
To leave debris
For everyone else to clean
It must be nice
To string up hearts
And cut the ties you captured with lies
It must be nice to think your perfect...
It must be so ******* nice
To be YOU

Her smile radiates like the rays of the sun,
underlying like pieces of broken glass and a fake facade,
guarding what little of a self-esteem she's got,
her skin aglow with a pristine shine, so bright you might go blind,
there's no one like her at all,
so cool you'll lose your mind,
but she don't even know...
that within her perfection grows an undeniable love,
that she hides and guards with her life one piece at a time,
mending shattered fragments of her blown up heart,
but some pieces went astray,
caught in the current of the wind,
her will you cannot bend,
bones she will break and pronounce you dead,
eat you up as you Decay,
don't mistaken beauty for carelessness,
she's always watching got eyes in the back of her head,
never leaves her guard down,
sleeps with one eye open,
into the lions den,
betray a queen you're a dead man,
she glows like sunset,
demands respect,
Bakes her cake and eats it too,
don't be a simple fool,
You can't Resist the serenade of a siren,
how can you mistaken muffled cries for the song that birds sing?
halo's but I needle hole in the sky,
wings broke hand in hand with her soul,
how does she radiate as rare diamonds do?
you was but a fool when you traded her in for fools gold

One day you will love me...
Really, really want me,
That day will be cloudy...
Dark and lonely,
It'll be faulty just like you,
One day you will see me...
But it won't be me you see,
Just a lively fading memory not at all the girl I used to be,
One day you will love me,
Want to hold me,
It's too bad for it will be too late,
And you will cry a river knowing..
That she loves someone else,
Someone better,
Someone sweet,
Someone that isn't YOU.

SINGLE
I will remain a lone wolf my entire life,
No one can ever love me with the same love I give them,
No one can see me like I see them,
Without judgement,
Dismiss what you see flawed,
I count every flaw as a gift,
But you count my every flaw as an inconvenience,
I am an inconvenience,
A thorn in your spine,
A book never finished,
Just skimmed thru to the end,
And this is why no one can see ME,
Understand ME,
Know ME,
I WILL STAY SINGLE,
I've prepared for that,
I've made my bed to silently lie in,
To die in like cats do alone and in hiding,
To be found only when the decay of my body fills the air with my bitterness,
And that's fine,
I'm fine with never having my hopes and heart broken again,
But for now til I take that last breath I'll remain lonely....
A dimming shadow in the candlelight of your vague love

It was filled with your pictures...
your memory,
a book filled with Kodak moments of both you and me,
but you cut its lifespan short,
empty prophecies of true love,
tell me...
have you ever spoken truth that wasn't covered with lies?
small white lies became the large elephant in the room,
I put together this new album...
what I thought would be filled with vivid new memories,
make this year my own,
meticulously time landed photographs,
capturing smiles warmth and laughter,
it was filled with your memory...
every county Fair wristband, movie stub, Thanksgiving wishbones,
yes, you were that important,
too bad that I wasn't the same,
thought this year would be my year.... thought it would be the album of the year

Why is it that human kind are at the top of the line.... Yet we cannot be kind to ourselves let alone a fellow human being?!??
Why we may have thumbs,
And walk upright,
Have the biggest brain,
Enough to have the option to make choice,
Yet we've lost our voice,
We are the worst animals on planet Earth....
But do you know WHY???
Because with our "big brains" we chose to hold another down,
Instead of bringing them a step up,
We chose to hurt, lie and ****** just out of greed,
Just for kicks,
Yet an animal does only solely to survive,
Maintain their race,
Yet we destroy each other with such haste,
convinced this is the only way to come up,
We are the human animal,
Because nothing of our way of being shows were anything more that just another animal,
The only difference is we walk, we speak, we "think" or so we should.....
Instead we step on toes,
Cause more woe,
Let greed run our ****** up minds,
But we are all just human-animals,
Blessed with a posable thumb!

DONT TOUCH ME.

Don't shake my hand,
Don't bump into me,
JUST DONT TOUCH ME!!
For every touch is a hurtful reminder,
Every sound becomes a hightened panic attack,
Just don't touch me.
For every graze of the fingers is a stinging ache,
Every flinch a silent reminder....
Of helplessness,
Every stare becomes a question of:
Do they know?
Can they smell him on me?...
Who told?
Who knows?
The shame bestowed upon me... .. .
Don't look at me!
Or in my direction... In fact do not acknowledge me,
I'd like to remain invisible for now,
Don't hug me for embrace is no longer a comfort,
Just what feels like a forced entrapment,
Don't you look at me, for it feels like nausea and a razor's edge that cuts thru and thru,
DONT TOUCH ME!!!
For I am not yours to touch,
and NO.... you are not welcomed,
That's for ANYONE that seeks me,
Just don't touch me,
For every touch is just another agonizing miserable moment I could not escape even if I wanted to...
And the human touch has become now my biggest FEAR.

As I step out into the darkness seemingly alone,
There's a bright ray of light that eclipses the dark,
And it don't matter where I walk, or where I wander,
This light always finds me in my darkest hour,
As I look up into the sky, the stars form a staircase,
Leading me to its mystical leader,
That outshines the streetlights, and even the stars.
I've already seen the dark side of the moon,
But, it also whispers to me "Don't fear the dark",
As it covers me in a blanket of stars all shinning with the light of the moon,
"Well hello my friend, my love, don't fret",
"If ever shall you be afraid call out to me",
"And I will walk you home when you need",
"Pave the sidewalks with the light of my aura"
"And smile upon you as you skip home in my glow",
"You can always speak to me whenever your low",
"*** I'm a good listener, when no one will hear you",
So, I gaze into the sky every night as I walk home.
I don't ever fear the dark anymore,
And I call out to him just for companionship,
It doesn't take long before his light shines upon me,
Always ready to walk me home.
Where ever I may wander or roam. LIGHT IN THE SKY"

                R.I.P.
      IRISH WHISLER
(7/16/1971- 7/7/2015)

I try to contain it....
In a sealed box in the attic of my dark mind,
I try to push through my depression,
But this anger has become an obsession,

They say:
"Be cool, be the better person"
Well I'm sorry to disappoint I just DONT wanna be that!
I've been that, I still I get scorched while deceitful liars are well off,

Im bout squash that,
I'm done waiting that ***** karma be taking her sweet- *** time while I'm steady decaying,
Waiting for my piece of the cake,
So I'll speed up this process,
**** I'll bake the whole cake,
Keep your slice,
It's time for them to pay the price,

I've been waiting,
Anticipating for the day I finally let loose this demon I've been controlling,
She's now famished,
And ****** thirsty,
She's that other me that gives no *****,

**** your two-sense it is useless,
I have lost reason,
And all I see is RED,
Painted concrete with your **** brains,
Your ****** up ways have had a viceral effect to the point I'm almost puking,

Just the thought of you right now,
Makes me ravenous & I fantasize about taking that long lovely hair,
Tieying a 13 knot noose to hang you from it,

Twist your bowels,
Snap your spine,
Hear them go SNAP CRACKLE & POP like a bowl of rice crispies,
Squeeze the air right out of your lungs...
Gimme four minutes to **** the oxygen to your brain and YOU'RE DONE!

Better yet here is a gun,
You basically shot yourself in the foot when you ****** UP!
But if you'd like I can always sever a main artery and give you 14 mins til you bleed out,

You have turned me into this ruthless savage....
There's no turning back,
I was already in the brink of Darkness,
But when you turned your back on me again I was DONE!
Done with you and humanities *******

How many times will you let him minimize your worth?

How many times will you let him hold you down in a chokehold?
How many times will you accept his Pretty Lies as the truth?
How many times will you let him turn love into purples and Blues?

She says to me:
"It's all for love"
She says to me: it's all for love,
I say to her...
It's ALL FOR NONE!

Why don't you just go....
Why don't you just ******* run?
Never look back,
Never come back,
When will you say enough is enough and make it your own way,
Depend on NO ONE!

I swear I know you feel me...
Even in my silence,
Your 6th Sense picks up on my electromagnetic waves of ache and woe,
But how?
I haven't uttered a word,
But I guess you can read into all that I hoard,
The buildup of all my tragedies,
The boiling point of my frustrations,
When I claw through life and STILL I'm behind,
And the water rises cutting off my air supply,
I'm suffocating but neither drinks or drugs can suffice,
Mask the failures of all I sacrifice,
But I know you know,
Because everytime I'm down and I feel alone inside,
You stare at me for a long time,
And lay right by my side,
Just before I'm about to cry,
You and your furry friend come by,
Lay on my bed as if to tell me:

Your not alone, so just hang your head your not Dead yet.

I lost everything.

I lost everything when I lost myself.
Myself worth, my self Pride, myself preservation.

I lost everything when I lost you...
My future dreams, a good night's sleep, a good night kiss.

I lost everythig when I lost control
Of my emotions, of WHO I love and let love me.

I lost everything.

I lost my home, my car, my job...
And all the dreams I had when I was a just a girl...
To be someone.
Someone I like, someone im not... To be me and not my mom or a hopeless loveless one...

I lost it all.

When I fell in love with you.
And forgot myself,
What I was worth, what I wanted... When I met you.

I lost it all.

I lost my mind, sank in a pool of tar that swiftly swam into my arm...
Into a sea of no feelings and no emotion or humanity...

I lost EVERYTHING.

When I forgot what dreams I had, that I can love someone other than you...

I lost it ALL.

Somewhere in time when I gave up... On me.
When you gave up on me too..
I lost my heart. My mind. My sanity.

And I became this girl of stone unfeeling to the world.
solely to armor myself from the mental abuse people like you have put me through...

The dodging eyes, the small white lies... The elephant in the room.
Was YOU and all your lies.

That you denied and tried to cultivate your alibi... And blame me for your short comings....

For YOUR lack of empathy and courage to take lead.
For YOUR lack of belief in me, in you IN US.
For YOUR insecurity and pride.

Well where did that get you now??? Did you find all you wanted that you couldn't find in me???

*** I lost EVERYTHING to raise YOU up....
And you tossed me like  piece of trash.

I lost it ALL..

Believing in a pipe dream. A fairytale a fantasy.

I lost it all..
When I lost sight of that little girl that had endless

You were never Superman,
You didn't save the day,
Just flashed by like a great parade,
And when the big show's done, you up and left.

You were never prince charming,
Chivalry is DEAD,
Just like a spoiled boy wearing a crown,
But never looks ahead,

You were never the antidote,
More like cyanide a poison to my veins,

And you were never gonna bring me back to life....
You can't bring back what's ALREADY DEAD.

I am not rich,
Nor am I special,
I am not privelaged,
Or walk on rose petals,

I walk the Rocky pavement barefoot and injured,
I am a starving artist,
**** money just want to get this message through:

That I am what I am,
a victim of circumstances & things out of my control,
but I owned them survived them but who will ever know?

And even if I'm hardened by all of these stains,
My heart is still true,
And I still stand by it.

I didn't have parents to tell me they loved me,
They divorced when I was just 5yrs. Old,
My mother dated so many unfit men we where constantly running,
My dad looks down upon me because I'm EVERYTHING he despises,
I'm tattoeed, have piercings, I married a convict, I've been a drug addict, and I'm very outspoken,

The first to graduate high school and college,
I moved out at 18 made my own way confident I got this,
At 20 I had my daughter & married,
I planned it,
Her space in this world was already reserved no doubting,

By the age of 27 I was widowed and homeless,
I sold my food stamps to pay my husband's cremation expenses,
I hustled in the legal field for minorities,
Non profit,
To give voice to the people misfortuned like I am,

I never sold drugs or my body to get by,
I've PANHANDLED recycled cans to make it through my harsh days,

So **** your opinions on what you think is proper,
Or who deserves what,
***** you couldn't even stand at my alter!

*** most of you people have no skills,
You sacrifice self worth for a DOLLAR!

Imma be popping these pills til I disappear,
Popping these pills til my mind is clear,
Walking down the street grin from ear to ear,
I worry about no one because I don't have any fear,
I can be the nicest person or your biggest regret,
But if you true and stick to your word than you have nothing to fret,
And I can bet just about anything even in my sedative state,
That I'm cool and step up to the plate,
My love is a wildfire that clears the most dense of forests,
My rage is weapon that cuts a person out as quickly as you cut a bad habit,
Which version of me you meet that's up to you to decide,
And if your true to form than you have nothing to hide,
But I keep it real,
Wether these wounds stay open or heal....
But I'll be popping these pills til the day that I die,
Because if I don't I split all my sides,
And that's when the darkness that hides takes its opportunity to come out and play in the dark,
Where the shadows dance and the moonlight makes musick with it's light

God is in the government,
For how long will you blindly follow
Rich men in office out to swallow,
All our riches and possessions,
All our prides and explore our indiscretions?

God is in the government,
A made up religion just to be able to control masses of people,

They use their power as a form of abuse,
To mentally *******,
Steal and rob you of hardset morals & dignity just to make a quick buck of you,

God is the Government,
A big fat LIE wrapped up real nice,
With the promise of heaven for all your sacrifice,

But I refuse to swallow the big pharmaceutical pill their body of government feeds us all to keep us tamed and brainless,

Religion is used as their secret weapon of destruction,
Make our differences from nation to nation the pseudo reason why we're always fighting wars with someone else,

God is the government,
They steal our futures by enlisting all your children to be soldiers,
Pack em up and ship them off to distant lands to die in war,

Your faith was built off a bribe,
Man maid lie manufactured by those who want to be keep control,
Knowing that with fear they can bend, **** and break you to KEEP us all BLIND and under control,

But God IS the Government,
They used our hunger for something better than what we're living,
As a false hope that if we do what were told we'll be rewarded in a heavenly world.

I keep it RAW like a unchoreographed Brawl,
I reach masses while MF fall on they *****,
And don't you get me started on editors trying to sugarcoat my ****,
You can take your sweet *** to the donut shop with your cut ****,

I dump my all,
My soul,
I pour overflow with real events!
Because people don't connect to that fake ****,

There was no shortcuts or passes in the trials of my life,
So why the **** should I censor the poetry of my strife?

See I don't understand how we in 2018....
And yet STILL no one feels like they can truly be FREE,
I like it RAW hard facts like national geographic!
Teach em ALL the ropes and lines of what life really is,
*** everyone seems to see the world thru ROSE-COLORED glasses,
Walking blind to daily events,
And no one seems to ever vent,
Because it is "TABOO"

WELL ***** YOU!
Gimme a glass of rawness ANY DAY!!

You we're only in love with me for what you could turn me into,
but you never loved me for me.

you loved me as far as you can mold me,
you loved me as much as you can stand me,

You were only in love with the version of me that you thought you could change,
Into the version of your perfect self you wanted me to be,

You were only infatuated with the idea of me,
you were only in love with my body but never for me,

But you failed to compromise and you minimised,
Failed to comprehend that when you say I Love You that it means you love that person as a WHOLE.

That love should be infinite without limitations.

I wear my heart upon my sleeve,
For all of you to see,
It's apparent most of you twist my arm behind my back,
*** you think I have no heart,

Well guess what?
In fact I DO,
I just guard mine like a sacred tomb,
These harsh conditions and selfish lovers,
Left me no choice but to put it to a cold slumber,
In a deep hibernation,
Maybe for now,
Maybe FOREVER,

So for now I wear this patch,
Of a heart upon my sleeve,
A reminder that I FEEL,
& that I have FEELINGS TOO!

I've watched the day from sunrise to sunset,
I've watched it turn from day to night and back again,

My body is tired,
My mind's awake,
The soul it NEVER rest,

The days my mind finally shuts down,
My body crumbles....
They are the Best,
Those are the nights I close my eyes,
Close my mind and finally put myself to REST.

They say I have a mom Complex,
This can either be good or bad I guess,
They say I take care of everyone,
But I don't give 2 flying ***** about myself,
They say I've been stuck in survival mode too long....
That I don't know how to react to normal human interaction,
But I became such a recluse that this became the usual reaction,
And yes I have a tendency of covering everyone's ***** because I'm loyal and soon enough my loyalty will also be my downfall.

I hurt myself on the outside ,
To **** the thing on the inside,

Hoping some day this dagger plunges deep enough to ***** me out,

See baby I'm suicidal.
I play with fire,
Flirt with death,
I decorate my deathbed,

Destroy me on the outside,
To distract from what eats at me on the inside,

Everyday 100 scenarios play like movie reels inside my head,
Jump in front of a train,
Hang myself from the beam above my head,
Til my employer finds me blue and dead,
Drink another bottle of ***,
Jump in my car, get out and DRIVE,
Head-on collision all while I'm toasted and High,

And this is the story of my life,
*** baby I'm suicidal,
And when you left I came unglued

I looked past the reflection...
The one that sees me real,
I push past the rejection,
In your mind I've disappeared,
Every now and then I reappear,
Like the ghost of Xmas past materialize... Solidify my existence,
As much as you may want me gone,
I stay an unrelenting wave that crashes hard against your walls,
See I won't let you forget me,
Forget the hurt bestowed upon me,
I look past the foggy reflection...
Of who I used to be before,
Before love, before hate, before YOU & ME,
Before we became a "thing"
another flash from the past that should have stayed right where it was... left,
BEHIND.

Shes a tiny glass menagerie
Action packed just let her be,
She's jaded she's not broken,
Her boiling rage is just a token,
Her best feature,
She's a creature beneath the human skin,
Underlying,  there's no denying,
The past is exactly what had built her,
Why yes, oh yes, she's beautiful,
A beautiful disaster dancing in a music box,
Dancing circles around dismounted dreams,
She stares at her reflection....
Her only true companion... A reflection of a cracked girl trapped within the mirror

I tried the best I could,
But you never would,
Take a helping hand,
Instead you picked up a bottle and you fled,

Locked, lost inside your mind,
Schizophrenia you couldn't hide,
It got worse and worse with each swig you swallowed,

I tried to be your backbone,
I twisted myself so far backwards that my spine had snapped too,

I tried to hold your hand,
All the way onto dry land,
Instead you pulled me under,
And then I too drowned in this water,

It's hard to comprehend, empathize, understand,
How hard it is to balance on the razors edge,

It's hard to watch somebody you love wither away,
I tried for the longest to preserve you ,
But in the process I too disintegrated  into nothingness,

Still I tried to hold onto that memory of the person I fell in love with, Hoping that you'd come back someday,
Instead your mind was altered,
And it became to falter,
The schizophrenia of yours left me no choice but to abandon,
Both home and this marriage,

Although I didn't want to,
But you became dangerous,
Threaten to take my child and tell her that you had to **** me,

And now it's life or death,
It's you or me,
And only ONE can be left standing,

So I made my decision,
I had to walk away,
Before I too lost my sanity.

But I tried so hard to be the glue,
To preserve both me and you our daughter too,
But I'm only human,
I'm not invincible,

But your lack of trying and this constant fighting,
It left me tattered & broken,
And it just left me feeling like I am the walking DEAD.

Is the glass half empty or half full?
Idk depends on your point of view,
Are you a pessimist or an optimist?
Do you see the world in grey or thru rose colored glasses??
I say the glass is just empty,
I've tipped over the glass and emptied it's contents,
In the same manner you emptied me,
See I dug up the courage and what little I had of my old self left to take a chance....
On you.
But you... You took every last drop of life I had in me,
Left me dry like a dessert,
Discarded like an unwanted pet,
See you made a demon out of me,
A fool,
an empty hole,
A shadow of the girl I used to be,
Want to be,
Never be.
Ever again,
Because this time I'm swearing off...
And I won't love,
Or give anymore pieces of my broken self to ANYONE again,
You are all undeserving,
So drink your half full glass and leave it EMPTY.

Don't be fooled by a beautiful girl,
Her shadow only follows to keep her enemy closer,
The biggest monster is not the one who lies under the bed,
but the one who stares you back in the mirror everyday,
With the face of an Angel and the spirit of sin,
Her wings made of broken glass,
Her Halo but a needle hole in a darkened sky,
She is galaxies away in her own head,
She lost herself when chivalry went dead,
Don't mistaken sweet faces for saints,
Remember Lucifer once was God's right hand wingman

When the words enter my brain I have to capture them right there and then,
Put pen to paper,
Jot down sudden burst of emotions that overflow me with PTSD, Rage, Sorrow, & Hate,

I see the words just as clear as I see a human being infront of me,
I see words that sink deep into my mind's eye bright with COLOR,
And the words of dark poetry escapes my hand with a fluidity even water couldn't be so clear,

But if I TRY to actually write a piece....
Before the words come to ME....
The words seem forced and coerced,
The flow of the song, the poem is choppy like a break in the wind,

See.... I DONT NEED TO TRY..
To write,
I don't need to brainstorm a perfect cluster of words manicured to perfection,
The "perfection" is the imperfections that have made me the girl who writes dark poetry,

You appreciate my words because they ARE NOT coerced or forced,
But they are REAL to feel,
Because EVERY word, poem, song I've ever written is the roadmap of the roads that IS my life,
Not a Hollywood story or fiction,
But an insight to my afflictions,

My dark poetry are songs never sung,
Words never touched,
Emotions that are Raw and come in the truest of forms,
Pulling @your heartstrings,
Drawing tears from dry tear ducts,
Surfacing feelings when you thought you didn't have none,

I can write 5 poems @a time,
Put the pen down have a writters block for Months,
I don't try to Force words of poetry,
Because I want to project an authentic feeling,
Felt & written in a sporadic moment in time,

So see... I Don't have to TRY,
Being a dark Poet IS a skin I have.

She is the methamphetamine queen, hard and lean,
Tall and mean.
But she doesn't think,
*** she's sunk so deep.
Never in her wildest dreams did she dream of this,
To smoke up her dreams.
Caught up in a summer's eve,
With her skin a glow,
Blew her first cloud of smoke,
To swallow her whole.
Without reason or remorse,
Blindly to this course,
Caught up in that summer haze,
Got lost in that methamphetamine daze,
Now she hides in the shadows of the night,
Fixing her next high.
She's the methamphetamine queen.
Hollow yet so deep,
But what made her start?
She was so **** smart.
Now she's pale and wasted,
The lost she can taste them,
As she comes crawling out of her dark alley way,
She Misguides them her way.....
She's the queen of methamphetamine,
Cold and dead,
Off with your head.
She don't care none.
High and dry,
Too broke to get high.
So she lures them in.
To her world of self -destruction.
With no concept of time, or why?
Living to get high,
Hiding from the light.
*** at night she's beautiful and free,
And in the day she's ugly and unclean.
But what made her turn to this?
Screams of **** and ******.
She took control of her best weapon of them all,
Her body.
Her temple.
Weathered.
With the pains her beauty brings....
Screams of help....
Cries in questions......
Why her beauty made her target,
Of deviance, abuse, and hopelessness.
She's the methamphetamine queen....
So tired and on speed.
She was all you dreamed.....
Beautiful, carefree....
She's the methamphetamine queen.....
High-strung and light years apart.
She's the methamphetamine queen,
Tall and lean.
Hard and mean....
She's the methamphetamine queen/ faded dream.
You can show her the way.....
But she hesitates.
Bring her all the wonders of the world,
But she don't care.
And she don't feel or sleep or eat.... *** she's.....
THE METHAMPHETAMINE QUEEN.

What's left of a 6 ft man?
Of 185 lbs pounds.....

From alpha male to ash and dust,
And now the wind I have to trust..

To guide me to that place above that
everyone speaks of,

What's left of a sturdy man?
A pile of bones ash- dust,
Stuffed inside a cardboard box,

The man I used to hold and love...
Delivered to me in a 1 ft. Box.

I'll keep him near,
right by my side,
Until I too return to dust.

I loved every inch of you,
Even if you didn't love YOURSELF,
Every scar, mark, mole, birthmark, and even every stretch mark, you were PERFECT.

I wouldn't change it for anything in the world,
I used to think your PERFECT,
But the ugliest thing in you is what no one else can see,
I really thought we were on the same page,
But we're chapters away,
I didn't really mind I loved you ANYWAY,

I loved everything about you..
The way you talked, the way your hair curled into perfect spirals after showers,
Your low key smiles, and your semi creepy stares,
I thought you were PERFECT,
But wait, there is a defect,

Like broken bones within the body,
Broken yet unseen,
Silent rejections,
Half truths and white lie deceptions,
That triggered insecurity & paranoia,

How you made me feel INVISIBLE,
Rejected & alone,
How you claimed you loved me but I always got 2nd place,
Those pieces of you invisible to the eye,
Caused further damage to a disturbed mind,

But I loved every bit about you,
Even if you did not,
And you were always perfect just the way you are,

But now,
I see all your different shades of grey,
Their poison in my life left their ugly stain,
No I don't think your PERFECT.
Not today, not anymore,
Just a beautiful hollow,
Vague, HEARTLESS, person who just uses you like a toy,
I'm stuck between love and hate..
Its burning in me EVERYDAY,
I split into different jaded versions of myself,
I'm starting to ******* hate you,
You ******* ***** couldn't even be a MAN,
But once I thought you were PERFECT...... A perfect *******

The days tease me with sunny skies,
And summer lovers that pass me by,
Their happiness I envy as I grow to deeply hate them,

Reminding me of Summers past when I too roamed carelessly in love,
With a skip to my stride and a twinkle in my eye,
But that all died.
And now I'm just another fading memory in your mind.

The nights are quiet and lonely,
I'm always restless I think of You ONLY,
The nights are just as silent as I am,
Never speak just another mystery just like the night,
And it's at night you come to mind,
I drink, I smoke and write but a remedy I could not find...

I've changed my bedding,
Deleted pictures & threw away this scrapbook of your memory,
Filled with EVERY memory of us,
From concert & movie tickets, county fairs, Thanksgiving wishbones,
I collected all these things & maticulously in timeline order
Made this scrapbook of "NEW" memories in hopes they'd replace all of my bad ones.

But now that too is out of sight along with everything that came from YOU,
I cannot bare to stare at another reminder that is you,
Sweet memories I chuckle to,
Then shortly followed by the salt of tears,
Bittersweet memories aquired in 2 yrs.

The appliances you bought for the home we'll never have,
Saved tv shows and movies that we watched every night,
The empty space in my bed that you used to take up,
The cool breeze brushes my cheek now because you kept me warm at night,

I miss you most during the night,
And close to holidays,
Because I hadn't celebrated anything before you for years on end,
I now avoid ANYTHING that I can put your face to,
See all these things just intensifies my pain,

I crave the warmth of your body In the night,
I choke on unspoken emotions as I hold onto pillows tight,
I miss the scent of your skin,
And the masses of your long dark hair,
The safety of laying on your chest,
And subtle sounds of your breathing,

I'm lonely all the time,
Despite all that are near me,
The days mock me with it's light,
The night's remind me of what I have not,
I've become a biohazard with all the poisons that I ingest,
Trying.. just trying to blur out my loneliness,
Sedate my restlessness so I can sleep again.

I dread grocery shopping used to do that with you,
I rarely ever cook now *** we used to do that too,
I barely sleep,
I never eat,
My body aches from all the weight I shed,
I just wish that I could shake this stinging aching memory of you before I'm dead

One day you'll know..
How much I loved you,
How much I meant everything I ever said,
But by then it'll be too late,
And I won't be here,
*** I'll be DEAD.
I'm almost there and yes I know it,
In time you will too,
When the Earth loses all color,
And her voice echoes in your dreams,
When you try to seek for that same fire in everyone but me,
And you realize what you just did,
When kisses become bitter and bitter with every set of lips,
And on that day you'll know,
How much she really adored you,
But you devalued all her efforts despite her damaged heart... She STILL mustered all her broken will to shower you with love,
All the love that eventually broke her,
All the love she never got,
But by then it'll be too late,
You've made the same mistake AGAIN,
Only this time you'll truly regret it,
And you can blame yourself for her demise this time,
When you hold another lover and her embraces are shallow and cold,
When you take her out to places we went to,
You'll see her shadow dancing in the background like a vivid memory,
When you lay with her in bed wondering why you feel like your so dead,
And she can't even hold a candle to half the things that she did,
Remember how much she loved you,
When you left her here for Dead.
And your poor attempt to replace her  will devour everything in your wake.

You came from a distant country,
For a slice of paradise,
You gazed upon starry eyes,
While yours agaped with silent lies,
A young girl's dream adrift on innocence,
Without remorse you took a gift ,
And prayed upon the ignorance...
Of beautiful island girls with dreams,
Selling themselves short at only fourteen,
It's such a tragedy,
Yet and no they weren't ready,
To be children having children selling beauty because there's mouths to feed,
Working the "bar" hoping prince charming will save them from poverty,
Instead they get misused,
Naivlely chaising the DREAM,
Of one love, pure true love,
White weddings, homes that are steady,
But foreigners come to realize *******,
You come to this country & more and more races,
Keep traveling leaving mixed faces,
Spreading their seed,
Then up and leave,
Forcing children to be mother's,
Making children to be *******,
While you go invest in homes and boats,
Foreigner's seed spreads like wildfire,
Most children don't even know their own fathers,
All they know is poverty and hunger,
You come and go act like you don't know,
Half black, half German, half Irish philipino faces,
Young girls forced to sell their dignity for a dollar  & some clean water,
Beauty hides their pain and anguish,
They keep pushing so their kids aren't famished,
The foreigners gift..
Rose-colored promise,
Of a life better than this,
Where mother doesn't sleep with strangers,
Goes to bed hungry because she feeds her offspring,
In a paradise where ****** education is a myth,
Contraception & abortion is a sin,
But ******* is accepted leaving both children and women victims,
Of the Foreigner's lust and greed,
Yet everyday she walks with PRIDE,
Deep inside the scar of life,
But you came from a distant village....
Gazed upon those starry eyes,
Broke the girl AND the dream and this was the Foreigner's GiFT.

Something had to fill in....
The void that I have deep within,
So I've replaced the spot you slept in,
With a bottle of ***, Brandy or whiskey,
Because nights are cold and lonely,
And your not here to warm me,
So for now I've replaced the warmth of you,
With golden brown liquor,
1 Pint @ a time,
To mask all that I hide,
This sinking depression eating me inside,
I run on alcohol and chasers,
A substitute for love and a pseudo sense of happiness,
If only for a moment,
I can hold it...
Hold it just a bit longer,
Before my sanity faulters,
Something had to fill in,
The hole that's deep inside,
And maybe I hope in time...
I can pick myself up
ONE MORE TIME.

Her soul was a soul on fire
A burning campsite of desire
Her mind was a rubics cube of sorrows never told
The anchor that she carries will never really unfold
Because her soul was on fire,
Burned everyone who came too close
Her heart is wrapped in iron to protect her fractured ego
The sutures all broke off and the Evil just seeped through
Everyone likes to put in their two-sense
But their nuisance is ******* too

You were so concerned wether I believed you changed or not,
And when you asked me..
Back then I said "Yes" & trusted your crooked *** anyway,
I guess I wanted so bad to believe that you were actually legit and just for me,

But **** I fell for the *****- trap yet again,
How the f**k after I all that I've been thru believe in love again?
I guess I really wanted to believe that lie again,
Nice to that hope of a Disney fairytail end,

But you were my first,
And you'll be my very LAST mistake I'll EVER make!
*** honestly I can't take the tugs and cuts to my heartstrings again,
How many more times must I piece together uneven pieces of my broken self?
How many more times will I rebuild myself again?

With every break, and bend and stretch of myself more pieces seem to miss,
Pretty soon no glue or stitch will be able to put me back together again,

If you asked me today if I believe you really changed,
My answer would be NO., you just became slicker with your shady ways & that's it,
I once told you were the only person that has treated me decently,
Right now I'll take that back I'm sorry you ARE my biggest regret,

Your the camel the broke the camel's back,
The best **** liar your whole get-down is a hack,

So asked me again What I think of you now,
Well lemme see your a pathological LIAR that spews beautifully crafted lies,
It seems you eat deceit for breakfast I guess you are what you eat,
Like **** your so good at lieying I wonder how you even sleep at night,

Your so blind to your **** ups that even YOU believe your own **** lies!
I guess whatever it takes to catch your Zzzz's at night,
*** you got me so worked up I just wanna put em up and Fight,

You tried to push it all on me,
The usual move every pathological LIAR pulls,

But I've known you for way too long,
And I deligently watch every move, hear every word, see every gesture and store it in the back up storage of my mind,
So your futile games don't play with me,
*** I'm like a predator hiding watching in the brush just waiting silently to pounce at the perfect time so I can take you OUT,

Ask me again what I think of you NOW.

"THE INVISIBLE KILLER"
By: Scar Savage

DEPRESSION.
Is the invisible killer,
The unseen disease that people just brush off and say:
"It's all in your head"
But... That's just it.
It IS IN MY HEAD.
And that's EXACTLY why I can NEVER seem to run from it..
Although I don't SEE it, it ALWAYS seeks me,
And when I tell somebody they just tell me I'll be ok, and it'll pass,

Well it's been 30 years ***** when is THAT suppose to happen??!
People think it's not real because they don't SEE.
But, you don't SEE THE WIND...
BUT YOU STILL FEEL IT!!
And I feel this EVERY ******* DAY!
And it's killing me, it's eating at my soul til I decay!

But that's ok. *** your ok right?
It's all in my head and you feel none of it,
Oh and BTW I "choose" to be this way,
Tell Me, WHO THE **** CHOOSES TO FEEL LIKE **** Everyday!!!

It's as involuntary as blinking and breathing!!
But it don't exist *** it don't show up on a blood test or upon my skin,
Until the day I actually turn Grey from death,
Because I got tired of "choosing" to BE THIS WAY!!

HELLO MY NAME IS DEPRESSION.
YOUR GOING TO DIE THIS WAY!

"Quick Fix"
I didn't want you to Fix me...
I wanted you to love me,
Want me,
Feed my soul so I can finally BREATH,
Because everyday I hold my breath suffocating on a far-fetched dream...

That someone will miss me someday,
See me for who I am,
Not what I have been or where I've been,

I didn't want a quick fix..
I wanted the real thing,
I wanted someone to kiss my scars,
Break these bars,
That hold me prisoner in my on mind,

I wanted to be just for you,
And you for me,
I didn't want this hit & miss,
Or temporary bliss,

I just wanted you to love me.
Love me with my flaws,
Love me with the passion I loved YOU with.

"BORDERLINE"

You said "I love you"...
"But if you don't see someone this ain't gonna work out"
"I love you so much it hurts inside"
Well geez THANKS!
Maybe the one I need to talk to is YOU!
And not some stranger in a padded room,
You told me "I think you have Borderline personality disorder..."
I laughed, so hard I almost wanted to crack your head in half,
Yeah I might be a little crazy, maybe,
But you can't seem to open your mouth without a lie escaping your lips!!
Yet I'm the ****** chick because I'm illing,
And I'm almost the realist,
I don't gotta lie to kick it!
I'm crazy but nobody can say I'm FAKE, VAGUE or call me a LIAR!
Your so deep in your stank
Pathological LIAR,
I can't stand the way you tried to shift blame,  
Just because your incapable to listen,
See you triggered some evil **** in me!
Demons and their minions I had locked away along with my rage,
But fuckit,
Your balancing on the borderline of my aggression,
And it's causing a huge depression,
And you are the center of my attention,
I told you before from the get- go,
**** me over be ready to catch fire before let go!

An uncontrollable rush,
I try to hold back,
But I can't so I just hide it with shades,

When I sit alone in silence,
I cry
When I'm speeding like a demon on a highway,
I cry
When I listen to touching lyrics that Pierce right thru my heart,
I cry
And when my daughter asks me if I'm alright I put a straight face, but inside...
I cry
When I think back to yester-last year when you used to make me laugh,
I cry
And when I sleep at night the coolness of the night holds me,
I cry
When I see all your reminders I curse you,
and I cry
When I see photos of you my soul burns,
And I cry
Thinking of all the time invested and all the feelings you played with,
I cry
And everyday passes me by but I just die inside.

They say there's no place like home,
Tis True,

There is no way to describe what the displacement of Homelessness has done to me,
To my husband, to my kid,

It has taken his life,
One drink at a time,
It has stripped our daughter of security,
And has eaten away at my confidence,

The anguish is dense,
Between packing & couch hopping,
I've realized I own NOTHING.

EVERYTHING is DISPOSABLE,
I'm posable,
At the mercy of hands that feed,

Do you KNOW the toll it takes from me?

To go from being independent, proud of all I've worked so hard to own,
To hiding hunger pains so she can eat,
Never sleep, watch my surroundings incase we gotta up and leave,

From having a place of my own,
To call home....
To bird baths in gas stations, and sleeping in the cool air under the stars,

The buzz of traffic and drug addicts all of a SUDDEN become a lullaby,
Your home is kosher,
But out here it's a warzone filled with gangs and crooks,

You think you know the dark AND lived hard,
But can you keep a Stone face when your children question Why are we going thru this?

People pass by,
Glare with their eyes,
Make superficial judgements,
But I was once a nurse and legal aid a stable staple in society,

You turn your nose up, talk **** and snicker,
But let me ask you who's the bigger winner?
It's ME.
*** what you lack in conscienceness I make up with a heart that don't stop,

Its cracked and bloated,
It's bled and skipped beats,
But it's STILL worth more than the bucks you proudly came  with,

My hardships and trials built this great Wall of iron,
I'll burn like wildfire if you ever think that you can hold my head down,

But there's nothing like home,
I'm BROKE it don't show,
And no one will ever know,
Don't judge a book by its cover,
Read the last page and think you know the struggle,

Take a step back view the entire picture,
Crack the spine and begin to read thru,
What you don't know it way surprise you,
You were going thru cubic zirconia's,
**** you might find a DIAMOND.