Glad that Fall is finally here. Not because of the pumpkin spice specials, nor the chilly weather.. Not that I enjoyed the summer heat anyway.
But what makes Fall important to me, is the beauty of realization. The eye opener of change. The hot weather becomes cooler, the leaves begin to change colors, the leaves start to fall.
Amazed by all of this, yet not seeing the true picture. If the weather, leaf colorcolors, & trees start to change, to show beauty, & rebirth. Why can't we?

My heart is a flame, & fire is dangerous. Please do not play with it. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk. What will it be? Sparks or Explosions? Chose wisely.

Speaking in rhyme, isn't a crime.
So don't give me them eyes, because I just might
utilize these rhymes.
Not to criticize, but to make you realize
That this mind of mine, is more than yours, & your friends combined.
Call me Dr.Sues, if you chose.
When I let my rhymes loose, everyone is a amused.
Yet you speak "normally", & everyone is confused.

Hercules
Listen please
Don't walk away
I'm on my knees
Yelling for you
Please listen to me
My heart is weak
I can barely sleep
The thoughts of thee
are haunting me
I hardly speak
when you're with me
I'm begging please
Please do not leave
My knees go weak
I can hardly breath
Only because
I think of us, as a we
Please believe in me
& you will see
That I can make you as happy
as you'll ever be
Please trust in me
& we'll be free
for eternity

Let's make love under the night sky, Until the stars fall all over us like glitter. With the moon as our witness

Your words drown me. In my mind they are lies, yet my heart believes it's life. Has this moment finally come, & I'm just too blind to see? Or am I just too afraid to feel? I know you were. Because were once one, & although it wasn't for long, You became something special. Yet you said "right person, wrong time". Time has passed by, & we still kept in contact. We constantly look for comfort within each other, & when you come around I feel like the world stops, & it's just us. You take me to an unforgettable place, in which I feel safe. I'm not sure if you feel the same. But what I am sure of is that every time I look at you, I see love in your eyes. & I keep my feelings a side most of the time because my love is patient. & I will be willing to wait to hug, laugh, smile, & kiss you, each & every day.

If you only knew how much my soul feels for you
How much these emotions tear my mind apart without an explanation
The energy
The electricity
The chills
The vibes
The waves
You're so powerful..

The horrifying feeling of being rejected
Not simply rejected, since we once were
But being used as a tool of ****** pleasure
Yet, not quite a pleasure of love
Had this spiritual connection, as if it wasn't the first time we've met
The pleasantly beautiful sense of calmness, just laying there on the bed
The laughs, looks, & smiles we shared during deeply personal conversations
How you'd hold me tight through the night, simply staring into each others eyes, it always felt so right
The best part of my day would always be spending the night with you, gazing at the moon, & sharing energy within the two
Felt as if you were the one
The one others might say is a soulmate, a twin flame
But you did not see the same
Although I was the only one who you'd talk to, about everything that would trouble you
Aware of the feelings I've had, I was always strong enough to wish you best in what you thought you needed to have
Absolutely heart broken in imagining you in someone else's hands, but giving you advice because all I wanted was to see your soul dance
Now I sit here silently, wishing you'd come back
Staring at these pictures, when things didn't seem so bad
Breaking down quietly, no one can see I'm sad
I finally get the courage to say how much I really miss you
Yet, as soon as I start typing I feel like I can't see you
It's hard to face the truth sometimes
But I never gotten closure
I hope for the day, we break down this walls, & become a little closer
Haven't spoken for months now, yet you still roam my mind
Wishing for the day, the you will once again be mine
But for now I play this mind games
Hoping in answers to find

Who knows, who knows?
If the truth will unfold.
Will I have you to forever hold?
Or will you be gone, when the wind blows?
Who knows, who knows?
These thoughts have me mind blown.
Leaving me with deep feelings inside my soul.
To only realize, I am still alone.
Who knows, who knows?
Where our lives will go.
This mixed signals river flows.
Dragged by the current, I've gone too low.
Who knows, who knows?
Only God knows..

Adderall, & alcohol
Up all night, & morning long
No reply
What is wrong?
Too caught up
with roaming thoughts?..

Free falling through clouds, lost sight on what is around.
No parachute in hand, yet no worries of the outcome.
I will, once I land.
Not quite yet.. Crying.
Unaware if they're tears of joy or tears of sadness.
What I am doing is complete madness.
Or could it be the pressure, & force of the wind?
My tears are now falling with me.
They are the salt water that made the ocean beneath me.
I fanilly crash, so deep into the cold sea.
The oceans temperature has taken over me.
No movement, no heart beat, no longer holding my breath.
No sound heard from me, because I have already drowned, before touching "ground".

What good is a throne to me
If my King does not come home
I've been left all alone
It is clear, he does not love me
Refers to me as his Queen
Only when he's in need
Yet, comes & goes as he pleases
& leaves me on my knees
With my heart in broken pieces

Midnight thinking.
Late night dreaming.

Watching the night sky.
Enjoying the the darkness,
Make the moon, & the stars look bright.
Something like day light,
& sunny skies.
But not quite.

The whistling, fresh breeze.
Laying here under the trees.
The damp grass feels soothing.

The silence.. It's beautiful.
Only to hear the gental snores of earth.

I whisper closely..
"I am a part of you,
& without you I'd be nothing.
Sleep soundly mother..
For you are my nature.

Someone once told me,
when you truly love someone,
you'll fall in love with their eyes.
Why? You may ask.
It is because, eyes never lie.
They will not age.
They will not change..
even if their feelings fade,
their eyes will remain the same.
It is like looking into a kaleidoscope.
A collage of dreams, memories,
& the universe within their soul.
When they begin to get old,
& their hearts turn cold,
their eyes..
Their eyes will forever stay gold.

An open mind, & a heart that unwinds,
like a movie film.
Unrolling, & revealing my love life.
20 years of age, & no longer looking forward,
towards a next page.
Lost hope in finding love, at a young age.
As I write the scenes,
in which will be seen on screen.
I am filled with rage, & disbelief.
I have given my all to past lovers,
& was given nothing in return,
but heartache, & pain.
I've always known my worth,
& knew, that is not what I deserve.
Realized when it was wrong,
when actors did not belong.
Had to move on, erase the scene,
start over, rewrite, change the scenery,
& continue my story.
Alone, living life, reconnecting with myself.
Until one day, he arrived.
Someone different in appearance, & intelligence.
Shared the same personality, thoughts, sense of humor.
We were each others comfort zone,
talked to one another about anything, & everything.
Perfect in my eyes, if you asked me.
At least, that's what I thought.
Until I was reliving the same old chapters,
once again.
They say,
"Even nothing is something",
or "Better to have loved, & lost, than to have never loved at all".
In deed, I agree.
Yet, if your heart is no longer beating,
in hopes of one day finding "the one",
& finally feeling love.
Do these sayings still apply, or even matter?
Yet, the movie continues, as my life shall go on,
with, or without someone by side.
Maybe, alone, lost, with no love to share, nor feel.
Yet, living.
But maybe one day,
when my hair turns gray,
I am no longer afraid,
& my soul is slowly slipping away.
Love will find its way,
& it'll be too late.
Because when I finally feel again,
I will not have the strength to stay,
to hopefully hear them sincerely say..
"I Love You", & finally feel the truth.
To hear, & see it from you..

Memory lanes
We run through our brains
Might have caused pain
Yet, so much we've gained
Life is a game
It's all about how you play
We pick, & choose our ways
Like passing through a maze
What we do, & say
Determines the prices we'll pay
Along the way
Through our veins
That are Memory lane

I am truly mind blown
by how this life we live goes
The most beautiful people
with big hearts, & golden souls
are always the ones that seem to go
Leaving an imprint in our lives
Opening our eyes
to realize, that the good ones go
& we are left alone
with the rest
Questioning, whether we are one of the best..

I met you at an awful time
Yet you made things feel so right
Although months have passed us by
I cannot seem to get you off of my mind
Till this day, you seem to catch my eye
& when I try to speak to you, I tend to feel butterflies
Yet when I receive you replies
I begin to think those feelings have went bye-bye
I need you to open up to me, like I've  done with you.. Before I spread these wings of mine

You were the reason I loved the sun
& now the reason why it hurts my skin
It reminds me of all of the mornings we would kiss
Those feelings left, along with you
A snake in my grass, just never heard you hiss
I am now in love with the moon
Something more beautiful than noon

We are as the Ying Yang. There is the good in us, & also the bad.
For example, when saying "I cannot live with MYSELF"
You are as two.
I is who You are, & Myself is your conscience.
"I have more power over myself, in which I can control. Because without me(I), myself would not be."

The sweetest love you make to me, nothing else could compare
to your beautiful hair, green eyes, & aroma of paradise.
You are my life..

A bite of the forbidden fruit
has poisoned this berries youth
**** snake in the grass
did not speak with truth
Should have never trusted in you

Everyone seems to say the same
It'll be okay, It will get better, Don't give up, I'm here for you
Yet, I am not okay nor will I be, it will not get better because it never has, I have given up & I will no longer keep trying, & when I'm broken down into millions of pieces no one is ever there to pick me up from the ground, no one is there to whipe my tears, no one is there to hear my fears
Everyone says things to comfort you, instead of comforting you
Everyone listens, yet no one understands
No one ever cares until its too late for anything to be done
Everyone waits until that day in which everything is gone

Seasonal depression is in session
I'm losing grip of my reflection
through these winter storms
& no true connection
Spring, Summer, Fall
I need it all
Concentration, & meditation
Spiritual healing in Nature
is what I am truly in need of

Pitch black nights
& glimmering star lights
Awake until sunrise
Beautiful bright skies
A reflection seen your eyes
in which was foreign to mine
To only realize, the one in the mirror, was I
Yet not myself..
How do I handle this all so well?
Those words I will never tell..

I've been consumed by all of this negative poison
Wearing all black, it is what my soul has turned in
Left alone in a box, with all of these emotions
Glitter, Sparkle, Shine has gone with the ocean
In need of a friend, or maybe a potion
I drown in these tears, along with my fears
Yet walk around with a smile, so no one will notice
My mind has been lost, I can barely focus
Body so cold, my heart has been frozen
If I hit rock bottom, being broken, won't be the problem

The world may not revolve around you, but everything in my world, reminds me of you

Anything green brings a mental image of you, not because it is your favorite color, which has been mine as well, since the day I've met you, & had the pleasure to find who lied within your uniquely green eyes
I could ramble on about the shades of greens your eyes are similar to, but nothing would ever compare

I still enjoy nature walks, & going on adventures, although it was always better to do so with you
I no longer look at the trees, nor sky the same
Because even the wind whispers your name
The moon no longer shines as bright, nor do the stars flicker
So dim, so still, the sky does not dance anymore, like the universe knows I lost the sparkle I once had

Nothing at all will ever be the same, because this mental image I have of you I can easily paint, & put on a frame

I see you in everything that I see
Smell you in everything that has aroma
Taste you in everything that taste
& feel you in everything that I touch

My mind no longer wants to want you, but my heart says I must
I guess this is why they call it a crush

A hurting heart
with a broken smile
Only when no one is home

Warm hearted
& none stop smiling
When I am no longer alone

Putting up a show
Iin which how/whom I wish
to be & feel

Yet behind the curtains
you will not recognize me

This is who I am
& how I feel

Lost, & hopeless
If you will.

As I lay on my death bed
I over hear them say
"There's not much time left"
Those words repeat in my head
like echoes, while I beg for thread
Yet, all I can think about
is laying my head on your chest
a soothing heart beat
that doesn't sound like death
Since mine is close to it
I won't let it rest
until my last breath to say
you have been my strength

Reminiscing about when those feelings were real
the way you'd make me feel
& giving me strength of steel
how I'd play with your beard
& you'd whisper in my ear
all them beautiful things I wish I'd still hear
from the day you've disappeared
I've been stuck on this hamster wheel
going no where, but here
trying to run away from these fears
with out you to whipe my tears
so I drown in the thoughts that although I felt you close, you were no where near

Winter season
Cold, dry breezes
In this white Winterland
my heart tends to freeze
Death like trees
bring sadness to me
Feeling so weak
with shivering knees
Shouting for Spring time
to please rescue me

I have not been visible to the eyes
of those, in which, I wish knew I am still alive.
Unseen like the pain I have within this skin I am in.
Unheard of, like the beat of my heart.
Lost in a black void, yet I cannot tell it apart
from reality, & fantasy
My precense is no more.
I have walked through the unknown door,
now I'm at the point of no return.
I might have found home, in this lonely place, with no scenery.
No feelings, sounds, nor emotions to worry me.
I've come to lose my memory, to love, to see, to hear, to feel, to taste, & to hope.
It was the world in which I've been chosen to be a prisoner in, that did not want me to live,
& finally cut the rope,
not knowing that death,
will make me live again.

Lost in thoughts
No creativity
Trapped in a box
Sealed with ice
It's so cold
Can't seem to open my eyes

Mind constantly running
Can't seem to catch up
Blank stares
Images of white pages
Goodness gracious
These depressing phases

Once a brightly colored
coloring book
Now a black, & white
news paper
With slowly vanishing words
& images..

Heaven or Hell?
Only time will tell.

I do not like day light.
This soul of mine comes alive at midnight.

The sunlight hurts my eyes, which makes me blind.
Yet, the moonlight opens my mind, to realize..

I am a bright spirit, with a dark living.

Well, who am I?

Grandma, I wish I could send this to you in heaven.
I know we've never met, since you became an angel too soon.
I'd like to tell you how greatful I am, for giving birth to an amazing daughter, my mother.
Without you, there'd be no her, & without her there'd be no us(My brother, & I).

If you only knew how much pain my mother holds, trying to hide away her tears, when she speaks of you.
Only then, would you have regretted your mistakes, & changed, not only for her, but your son(my uncle) too.

I am well aware that life is not easy.
We easily give up, & give into temptation.
Not knowing that this day could be our last.
Trust me grandma, I've been there.
I've been at my lowest, feelings hopeless, yet emotionless.
& honestly, I can't, nor won't blame you.

Yet you left so soon.
My mother was yet a teen, with my brother in the whomb.
You don't know what I'd do, what any of us would do.. Just to see your face.

When the time comes, & my life is finally done.
While waiting before the gates, I will ask about you.
I will not stop searching, until I've finally found you.

I have so many hugs to give you, so many stories to tell, including the great things about yourself, that you might've not known.

We miss you dearly, our guardian angel. We'll see each other soon.

The essence of your fragrance
I will forever imbrace it
Inhale it in my soul once more
Memories of clothes stripping to the floor
The way you'd make my toes curl
Always had me moaning for more
Your light face
Green eyes
Will forever be ingraved in my mind
You always had the best of me
Not just physically, but mentally
You were like my therapy
Through fantasy, & reality..

"It was Strange" is what I could possibly say, at the least that is..
Seeing you once again, locking eyes, yet turning our heads, only to feel each others stares..
hearing the echos as we speak, while we do not dare to take a peak..
I will not tell a lie, & say I did not feel what was once there..
Your smile made me remember, that although we fell so hard, there had to be a high from where we have fallen.. & there was.
A memory of positivity, from something that has done so much damage, yet I can truly say I have overcame.. To deeply find out within myself, & can proudly say "I have changed".. I cannot say the same for you Sir, for you are the same.. There has been no change.
Not speaking to seem better than you, but better than who I was.. & I will not look down upon you because change is something you must want.
I simply look back at who you were, & you were never this troubled.. You've changed into something you, yourself even fear of, & that is what pushed me away.. Yet there you are, still the same, with no change made.
I always seen something better, & brighter in you than which you choose to show.. But you never really understood the universe, which there is inside of you..
You were always afraid of the light.. Walking around with shades on.
Yet continuously wondering, & asking "What am I doing wrong?"..
If you would have just listened.. I've been telling you all along.
I'm glad you're finally realizing.. You say to me "A little too late", yet I respond "Better late, than never".
I just hope one day you'll make things right.. Not for us.
Because what was, no longer is.. But for you, your well being, & your soul.
Do not let it stay cold.. Turn it into gold.

I wish I would've realized sooner.
Because I could've avoid the situation.
I didn't go with my gut, when I know I should've.

Six months sober, half the year without my lungs filled with smoke.
Honestly, I'd just like to roll that green, in natures leaves.
Sit beneath the trees, as I feel the stress leave.
Reminisce on memories, fill my thoughts with conclusions of worldly things, & have the wise words flow through my ears, captured by my mind, released from my mouth, & penned on paper.
This is not the me, in which I remember.
Greeting kisses from the sun.
"I know you missed me. It's been a long run"
Reality has begun, & I can no longer over come..
Because without you, I am stuck with this nicotine rush.

These thoughts of you roam my mind wildly at night.
Pacing left, & right, left, & right.
Not aware whether my heart or my mind are deceiving me.
Is this right? Is it wrong?
A constant thought, & mental debate.
My feelings are true, but are they to you?
Or is this a simple game you play?
& my body, feelings, heart, mind, & soul are the game pieces.
You come, & go as you please.
Making me believe, then leave me alone to think.
Is this just a fling, or the real thing?
Please speak up, I do not have much time.
You've been ripping my heart out of my chest, piece, by piece.
Without thinking that I need this last piece left, to live.

Your soul is like a melody my heart knows by memory

The rhythm of its song flows through my body so gently, yet heavily

My heart reaches out to you to listen a little closer, to feel the vibrations of the beat

It's electric, so powerful

A feeling of nostalgia in which I surrender to

Letting myself drift away through the sound  of the waves

I have trusted the waters

Now I am floating to where I belong

Everything seems so right, so beautifully perfect
Like all of the damage done was definitely worth it
Never wanting this to end, but these unwanted thoughts roam through my head
As if it'll be like the last time
Although this seems different, I am afraid that it might repeat once again
These walls of mine are finally breaking down
& as they fall, I do too
Yet I still wonder whether you'd catch me or let me hit the ground
I'm really hoping you stick around because you're the best thing I've found

Spiritually lifted, with dreams that are vivid.
She is my mistress, paying a visit when in stress.
Greeted with delight, always on my darkest nights.
Consuming her, while she consumes me.
I feel her on my chest..
The way it should be.

If I was given a chance to go back in time, I'd choose to be happy with you. I have let you slip away. & all I do now, is reminisce on how constant, & Sincere I'd smile. The way I'd laugh, & feel, a way I never felt.. Only around you. & that is what scared me, the feeling of falling in love, & being too good to be true. & now, it is too late. Yet, there's nothing I can do, but think about how things could've, should've, & would've been.

You are like the breath taking ocean view, the soothing tropical breeze, & the desired aroma of paradise. Not fully aware of the foreign, yet a mind full of memories in which I do not recall. The feeling of finally being home, in a place I do not even know.

I've seen it in my dreams
& when seen in reality
I did not realize what attracted me
Paid no mind
Yet, knew it had to be mine
Finally in my hands
I began to dajavu
My soul yelling at me
"this is a part of you"
Who knew?

If only you knew
how much I think of you
Old conversations in my head
Yes, I reminisce
Like the mental image
of when we first kissed
If only you knew
I pray for you
I pray to see if this is true
I know you're scared
& I will not lie
I am too
Yet, it takes two
to conquer fears
I am willing to
Are you?
If only you knew
I'd face it all
just to be with you

I find it interesting
that others dream of us
Yet, I do not dream of you anymore
You are not reality, & no longer a dream
You are imaginary, a fantasy in which I can not see.