Bit more than I could chew.
Losing myself, while thinking of you.
Left the gates open to my heart, & you went through.
You snatched it from its stand, & threw..
Threw my heart in the great deep blue.
Never to be found, & now the ocean view,
reminds me of you, & the feelings that weren't true.
I assumed I could trust you, but all that we went through,
just made an *** of me & you.
The wind blew, & took away the pain made by two.
Till this day, I never thought you would've done the things you do.
But the sun will come back around, & I will find something new.

Who knows, who knows?
If the truth will unfold.
Will I have you to forever hold?
Or will you be gone, when the wind blows?
Who knows, who knows?
These thoughts have me mind blown.
Leaving me with deep feelings inside my soul.
To only realize, I am still alone.
Who knows, who knows?
Where our lives will go.
This mixed signals river flows.
Dragged by the current, I've gone too low.
Who knows, who knows?
Only God knows..

& as I silently watch my heart fall into the pits of hell
Burning, burning into ashes
Something I have felt, & seen many times before
Ironically, I could always see the beauty that lies ahead
A new beginning, a new piece of mind that will come to light
As the phoenix, I will rise above the flames
Soar through the sky, like a shooting star
I know I will, I always have
I will spread my wings, with this brand new fiery soul
I was given another chance, to live, & to learn
& I will do just that
I will rise up to the heavens
I will shout my name, & I will shine bright as the sun on a hot summer day
Because today is the day, I have come to life again

As I let reality sink in & begin to think
removing him will erase the situation I am in
I do not bother to show these emotions I have for him
in which I bottle up, & hide within
Because my feelings are the reason for this mess I am in
Yet, he disappeares into the distance
letting me finally accept our destiny
Then comes around unexpectedly
tearing me into pieces once again
Leaving me with thoughts of what ifs
which honestly, only make me sick
I am tired of having to deal with this
& when he begins to ask himself
"Why does she seem so emotionless"
He will have to analyze his actions, & words
& respond "I have caused this."

An open mind, & a heart that unwinds,
like a movie film.
Unrolling, & revealing my love life.
20 years of age, & no longer looking forward,
towards a next page.
Lost hope in finding love, at a young age.
As I write the scenes,
in which will be seen on screen.
I am filled with rage, & disbelief.
I have given my all to past lovers,
& was given nothing in return,
but heartache, & pain.
I've always known my worth,
& knew, that is not what I deserve.
Realized when it was wrong,
when actors did not belong.
Had to move on, erase the scene,
start over, rewrite, change the scenery,
& continue my story.
Alone, living life, reconnecting with myself.
Until one day, he arrived.
Someone different in appearance, & intelligence.
Shared the same personality, thoughts, sense of humor.
We were each others comfort zone,
talked to one another about anything, & everything.
Perfect in my eyes, if you asked me.
At least, that's what I thought.
Until I was reliving the same old chapters,
once again.
They say,
"Even nothing is something",
or "Better to have loved, & lost, than to have never loved at all".
In deed, I agree.
Yet, if your heart is no longer beating,
in hopes of one day finding "the one",
& finally feeling love.
Do these sayings still apply, or even matter?
Yet, the movie continues, as my life shall go on,
with, or without someone by side.
Maybe, alone, lost, with no love to share, nor feel.
Yet, living.
But maybe one day,
when my hair turns gray,
I am no longer afraid,
& my soul is slowly slipping away.
Love will find its way,
& it'll be too late.
Because when I finally feel again,
I will not have the strength to stay,
to hopefully hear them sincerely say..
"I Love You", & finally feel the truth.
To hear, & see it from you..

I have not been visible to the eyes
of those, in which, I wish knew I am still alive.
Unseen like the pain I have within this skin I am in.
Unheard of, like the beat of my heart.
Lost in a black void, yet I cannot tell it apart
from reality, & fantasy
My precense is no more.
I have walked through the unknown door,
now I'm at the point of no return.
I might have found home, in this lonely place, with no scenery.
No feelings, sounds, nor emotions to worry me.
I've come to lose my memory, to love, to see, to hear, to feel, to taste, & to hope.
It was the world in which I've been chosen to be a prisoner in, that did not want me to live,
& finally cut the rope,
not knowing that death,
will make me live again.

As I lay on my death bed
I over hear them say
"There's not much time left"
Those words repeat in my head
like echoes, while I beg for thread
Yet, all I can think about
is laying my head on your chest
a soothing heart beat
that doesn't sound like death
Since mine is close to it
I won't let it rest
until my last breath to say
you have been my strength

Hercules
Listen please
Don't walk away
I'm on my knees
Yelling for you
Please listen to me
My heart is weak
I can barely sleep
The thoughts of thee
are haunting me
I hardly speak
when you're with me
I'm begging please
Please do not leave
My knees go weak
I can hardly breath
Only because
I think of us, as a we
Please believe in me
& you will see
That I can make you as happy
as you'll ever be
Please trust in me
& we'll be free
for eternity

If only you knew
how much I think of you
Old conversations in my head
Yes, I reminisce
Like the mental image
of when we first kissed
If only you knew
I pray for you
I pray to see if this is true
I know you're scared
& I will not lie
I am too
Yet, it takes two
to conquer fears
I am willing to
Are you?
If only you knew
I'd face it all
just to be with you

What good is a throne to me
If my King does not come home
I've been left all alone
It is clear, he does not love me
Refers to me as his Queen
Only when he's in need
Yet, comes & goes as he pleases
& leaves me on my knees
With my heart in broken pieces

Haven't shared lately
Thoughts are hazy
Body's feeling lazy
Honestly think
I might be going crazy..

As the seasons changed
so did we
Was wishing for a "You, & Me"
Now we're losing chemistry

The leaves have transformed
into their fall season form
Falling fall leaves
are the feelings I had for thee

Feeling a bit low
& honestly, don't have my poetic flow
At this point, I just want to be alone
& that is all I will let be known

Adderall, & alcohol
Up all night, & morning long
No reply
What is wrong?
Too caught up
with roaming thoughts?..

Speaking in rhyme, isn't a crime.
So don't give me them eyes, because I just might
utilize these rhymes.
Not to criticize, but to make you realize
That this mind of mine, is more than yours, & your friends combined.
Call me Dr.Sues, if you chose.
When I let my rhymes loose, everyone is a amused.
Yet you speak "normally", & everyone is confused.

Grandma, I wish I could send this to you in heaven.
I know we've never met, since you became an angel too soon.
I'd like to tell you how greatful I am, for giving birth to an amazing daughter, my mother.
Without you, there'd be no her, & without her there'd be no us(My brother, & I).

If you only knew how much pain my mother holds, trying to hide away her tears, when she speaks of you.
Only then, would you have regretted your mistakes, & changed, not only for her, but your son(my uncle) too.

I am well aware that life is not easy.
We easily give up, & give into temptation.
Not knowing that this day could be our last.
Trust me grandma, I've been there.
I've been at my lowest, feelings hopeless, yet emotionless.
& honestly, I can't, nor won't blame you.

Yet you left so soon.
My mother was yet a teen, with my brother in the whomb.
You don't know what I'd do, what any of us would do.. Just to see your face.

When the time comes, & my life is finally done.
While waiting before the gates, I will ask about you.
I will not stop searching, until I've finally found you.

I have so many hugs to give you, so many stories to tell, including the great things about yourself, that you might've not known.

We miss you dearly, our guardian angel. We'll see each other soon.

Six months sober, half the year without my lungs filled with smoke.
Honestly, I'd just like to roll that green, in natures leaves.
Sit beneath the trees, as I feel the stress leave.
Reminisce on memories, fill my thoughts with conclusions of worldly things, & have the wise words flow through my ears, captured by my mind, released from my mouth, & penned on paper.
This is not the me, in which I remember.
Greeting kisses from the sun.
"I know you missed me. It's been a long run"
Reality has begun, & I can no longer over come..
Because without you, I am stuck with this nicotine rush.

Free falling through clouds, lost sight on what is around.
No parachute in hand, yet no worries of the outcome.
I will, once I land.
Not quite yet.. Crying.
Unaware if they're tears of joy or tears of sadness.
What I am doing is complete madness.
Or could it be the pressure, & force of the wind?
My tears are now falling with me.
They are the salt water that made the ocean beneath me.
I fanilly crash, so deep into the cold sea.
The oceans temperature has taken over me.
No movement, no heart beat, no longer holding my breath.
No sound heard from me, because I have already drowned, before touching "ground".

These thoughts of you roam my mind wildly at night.
Pacing left, & right, left, & right.
Not aware whether my heart or my mind are deceiving me.
Is this right? Is it wrong?
A constant thought, & mental debate.
My feelings are true, but are they to you?
Or is this a simple game you play?
& my body, feelings, heart, mind, & soul are the game pieces.
You come, & go as you please.
Making me believe, then leave me alone to think.
Is this just a fling, or the real thing?
Please speak up, I do not have much time.
You've been ripping my heart out of my chest, piece, by piece.
Without thinking that I need this last piece left, to live.

Rain is falling
Lightning is striking

Stars are shooting across the sky
as the clouds fly right by

The moon is no where to be seen tonight

In my mind
this heart of mine
has become a dying light

Restless nights, with wreckless dreams.
Please exit my mind, & let me sleep.

My instincts are always right.
& what we have here, isn't.
Well aware that it's nothing more,
nor nothing less.
All of this, is just a big
Mess-Understanding.

Time is nothing, but trouble to man.
We wait, & wait, yet people show up late, or things remain the same.
We rush, & rush to finish what we started, yet nothing gets done, because the clock has won.
The overwhelming thought to see the numbers on our phones or watches, rapidly changing before our eyes.
Yet, if there was no time, we'd be alright to do the things we please, without thinking "Oh, my. Look at the time".
No need to leave a pleasant place, & rush to another place, that you may or may not want to be.
No need to impatiently wait, gazing at the time, because there will be none.
We can guide ourselves, by day light, & night skies.
We need to enjoy every moment without a schedule, & with no worries.
Every second in life matters, & we won't cherish it with time distracting our minds.
Stay timeless, by timing less.

Heaven or Hell?
Only time will tell.

I do not like day light.
This soul of mine comes alive at midnight.

The sunlight hurts my eyes, which makes me blind.
Yet, the moonlight opens my mind, to realize..

I am a bright spirit, with a dark living.

Well, who am I?

Let's make love under the night sky, Until the stars fall all over us like glitter. With the moon as our witness

My heart is a flame, & fire is dangerous. Please do not play with it. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk. What will it be? Sparks or Explosions? Chose wisely.

Last night, I experienced my soul leave my body.
Drifting away from me into a world only I knew, although I haven't been there before.
Soaring through the clouds, the moon, & the stars are my witness.. I was given wings.
& although I was flying, I was really falling.
Falling in ocean deep emotions in the sky(my mind).

Glad that Fall is finally here. Not because of the pumpkin spice specials, nor the chilly weather.. Not that I enjoyed the summer heat anyway.
But what makes Fall important to me, is the beauty of realization. The eye opener of change. The hot weather becomes cooler, the leaves begin to change colors, the leaves start to fall.
Amazed by all of this, yet not seeing the true picture. If the weather, leaf colorcolors, & trees start to change, to show beauty, & rebirth. Why can't we?

Midnight thinking.
Late night dreaming.

Watching the night sky.
Enjoying the the darkness,
Make the moon, & the stars look bright.
Something like day light,
& sunny skies.
But not quite.

The whistling, fresh breeze.
Laying here under the trees.
The damp grass feels soothing.

The silence.. It's beautiful.
Only to hear the gental snores of earth.

I whisper closely..
"I am a part of you,
& without you I'd be nothing.
Sleep soundly mother..
For you are my nature.

Your words drown me. In my mind they are lies, yet my heart believes it's life. Has this moment finally come, & I'm just too blind to see? Or am I just too afraid to feel? I know you were. Because were once one, & although it wasn't for long, You became something special. Yet you said "right person, wrong time". Time has passed by, & we still kept in contact. We constantly look for comfort within each other, & when you come around I feel like the world stops, & it's just us. You take me to an unforgettable place, in which I feel safe. I'm not sure if you feel the same. But what I am sure of is that every time I look at you, I see love in your eyes. & I keep my feelings a side most of the time because my love is patient. & I will be willing to wait to hug, laugh, smile, & kiss you, each & every day.

A hurting heart
with a broken smile
Only when no one is home

Warm hearted
& none stop smiling
When I am no longer alone

Putting up a show
Iin which how/whom I wish
to be & feel

Yet behind the curtains
you will not recognize me

This is who I am
& how I feel

Lost, & hopeless
If you will.

You are like the breath taking ocean view, the soothing tropical breeze, & the desired aroma of paradise. Not fully aware of the foreign, yet a mind full of memories in which I do not recall. The feeling of finally being home, in a place I do not even know.

I believe, if we all opened up just a little bit, we'll find understanding, & that we are not alone in the world. We do not speak about things, & they begin to hold us hostage in our own minds. We isolate ourselves from others because we assume no one will understand. But if we would just open up a little bit, spoke our minds, poured our hearts out to another soul, we will find, that there are more like us. Someone who can relate or at least understand our experiences. Truth is, we are not alone, but we find ourselves alone by holding back what we see, feel, & think. We are too afraid to open up, to open up just a little bit, & lose out on a mutual soul healing.

Appearance does not matter, the beauty inside the body does. We are only souls, in temporary bodies, & the reflection in the mirror is not who we are. The way we act, see, speak, think.. That's what makes us, us.

As I lay on your chest, I can hear your heart beat loudly, as if, it were trying to speak to me. I look up to you & smile, as you look down at me, & do the same in return. I can see the love in your eyes, & feel it within my soul as you play with my hair, & touch my body so gently. But this is not love.. Or at least we try not to admit it. We're just two identical, hurting souls, lost in a world of misunderstandings, seeking comfort within one another. But what we can not deny is, that we do care for each other deeply, we just have titanium walls, & a pride, that is difficult to set aside. But the truth.. The truth is seen in both, your, & my eyes.. Let's stop the lies.

If the misery you're feeling is a mystery to you, it is the thoughts you chose to hold in your mind.. Captured, chained, & caged, like the viseous animal it is.. Only because you have not set it free. The guilt of locking your fears, pain, tears, Is what consumes you.. Then you become the beast you , yourself, put behind bars.

The feeling of your hands corresing my body, the taste of your lips when we kiss, the way we stare into one anothers eyes, the chills that run through my body when you hold me tight, & how we make love till midnight..

I have come to think that I will never receive as much love as I give.
I have come to believe that relationships just aren't for me.
But I have come to know in my heart, that I am here to love each soul & spirit, although I might never be loved back in any type of way..

When I love, I love hard.. Till the moon, & the stars.. & all that we are. Whether you're close or far, or galaxies apart, you'll remain in my heart.. Let the millions of years start.

Millions of people in this world, & I still feel alone. No one to hold, nor a place to call my own. I do not belong here, that my soul knows. I want to run far away, in hopes to find home..

You never really experience the love you have for someone, until the heart break.

I wish I would've realized sooner.
Because I could've avoid the situation.
I didn't go with my gut, when I know I should've.

If I was given a chance to go back in time, I'd choose to be happy with you. I have let you slip away. & all I do now, is reminisce on how constant, & Sincere I'd smile. The way I'd laugh, & feel, a way I never felt.. Only around you. & that is what scared me, the feeling of falling in love, & being too good to be true. & now, it is too late. Yet, there's nothing I can do, but think about how things could've, should've, & would've been.

The pain in my heart, they'll never know. While I hold back the tears, a fake smile I'll show.

We are as the Ying Yang. There is the good in us, & also the bad.
For example, when saying "I cannot live with MYSELF"
You are as two.
I is who You are, & Myself is your conscience.
"I have more power over myself, in which I can control. Because without me(I), myself would not be."

Trapped in the back seat of the car, while my conscience drives wildly through dark roads. Not being able to say a word, because it has control over me. "If I die, you're coming with me" hearing these words frightened me..

I let my soul fall too deep into insanity, & lost myself on the way down. I constantly look in the mirror in hopes of being able to find who I once was. & when I feel like I finally see my reflection, I try to reach it. It desived me, & vanished.

Can you hear my soul scream for help in the depth of silence?
Can you see the tears holding back, when you look into my eyes?
Can you feel the pain within my soul, when you touch my skin?
Have you ever noticed how hurt I truly am, behind this fake smile I show?
Not at all.. Unless I tell you so.