Another broken heart
lost within the dark
trying to fight
to erase the scars and marks
searching for a light, believing...
but when its found you feel
as though you're still not healing

so quickly ripped apart
because of the left over pieces,
they are like glass
had to watch my whole life from the mirror of the water I tried to drown in
standing in pause
holding my own heart
as it shattered.

Unfolding what I didn't expect
nothing seemed to be real
but I stopped falling when I heard this
Theres not a mountain God couldn't move, and theres no wound He couldn't heal

Until I remembered the
numbing pain inside me
slowly realizing my own self crumbling
shards and the splinters from fighting the world unwillingly snuck into me.
and I pretended I didnt notice
pretended I didnt care
but it stuck onto me
Scarlett letters for all to see.

I've been through it all
now, I said enough
There's a house on a hill that I'm running from
but that decision was never tough.
I sneak out in the dark and say so long
without ever returning
I mumble a quick goodnight.

Help comes by,
almost instantly,
I've made it through
with no thanks to you
those who lived in
the house which I abandoned

A God given ship
in my dark tossing waves saved me,
God, picked me up
and He warmed me.

And eventually I know you'll see your wrongs
whether in Heaven or hell, inbetween
only God could really tell,

but we humans sure seem to know so far especially where you're going,
after you laughed at Him
mocked, banned and broke His beautiful songs.

Little by little my things changed
over more time plans, goals, life,
I had gained
and here now I feel very safe,
happy, but still struggling,
away far from you
I'm beginning to trust again.

Yet still hesitantly, cautiously
I reach forward to others for
help instead of God
not because I don't want blessing or belief
but because I was born to see
what somehow Id fail to forget,
what my parents gave to me as a gift with no mercy or zero regret,
only every single ounce of burden in me,
is what I'm weighed down by
even though God I sincerely promise I want you to send it in the air and to forever show me so that I may see in you I am free.

Losing all the people in my life might sound like disaster
but I've found nothing aside from
learning, love, hope, order, and newness
from him in the sky,
the almighty pastor,
you can joke around about timing
but all good that looks, sounds, is, is eveything unlike you.

Because it is funny,
that perhaps the one you say isn't real,
though you even think that you have any heart,
I'd like to point out to you,
He who you dont see, or know, or believe exists in any way
God saw my place because of you
and He loved me alot faster.

I'm still broken
but I'll use those rough edges and knives to survive

the house on the hill that I'm no longer hiding from
im finally throwing bad memories into the garbage where they've always belonged
giving away instead of holding on
because honestly I've hoped for way too long.

Thinking things could be better,
rhought my prayers had been prayers wasted,
but thats really not Gods fault.

Now they may be forever late
I'll see any smiles as fake bait.
hugs as a beartrap
kind words as their curse.
no matter how or if they do someday change for the better
I'll keep the unbudging so long
and permanant goodnight to them.

another silent night
filled with forgotten lullabies
a life ahead with endless possibilities
what emotion will it be this time?
you wonder if things could ever be right
but you're too focused on the inabilities
to see anything clearly through that layer of personal grime
you know very well the past can't be changed
focus on just today and tomorrow
stop remembering the pain
and dont throw any part of a future away

Screaming and manipulation
it was in The house on a hill that I  ran from
a quiet story only known to some
im living fully since I've been long gone
many times I dreamed to say
so long
and goodnight to it all

One day,
I found
The house on the hill that does not exist to me anymore
in the back of my mind it does not dwell
no longer hurts me
I'm no longer mourning.

I can finally say
I've successfully escaped
so, so long
and after a great many years being patient
becoming healed and safe
I can peacefully sleep
and refreshed I can wake
it's been so long since
I've had a good morning.

I say so long to that misery
and goodnight to the suffering.

The memories are a sword
cutting through darkness but not always my own

He says,
I will be with you until after the end

leaving behind this Earthen tied world full of material scraps we die to join a new beautiful existence far off

Will you never leave me there alone before the tide comes?
it sweeps away all but me.
I watch from inside myself on a mountain
as it's all taken away to teach us important lessons
that unbelieving humans will mostly continue to ignore

No longer will I have to wait for you,
you are with me here today in this very darkened moment
you show me mercy though I do not deserve
nor will I ever.

In my silence
when often I pray
you speak through many things but I am still sometimes remaining as blind

I've learned I do not want to go home anymore.
there's no place for me there but an empty, hopeless gap without good life.

But to be by your side was always a wish,
Forever that comes true everytime I think and pray to you.
I no longer fear the worst
my doubts will never control us.
I have seen it all through time and made it past with you as my guide.
I have conquered through the pain lost like a forest
being cut up by thoughts of endless briars
above I saw forgotten disdain
shoved it to the ground, able,
because you had given me sunlight through the rain.

With this heart you'll rewrite any
tragedies
with my time you'll put many gifts in me,
in my life you'll give yourself most delightful yet alluring symphonies.
like a heavenly siren for you I shall forever sing praise
until I walk with death at the end of my last night and timeless days

Wonderful love I've been blessed with
unearthly glory you show
like an angel
I saw you aesthetic
glimmering warmth in endless white space and cold snow.
laying there cheerfully
giving me a reason to finally hate the woe

before it all, you met me
before it all happens, you create me
allowing me to exist now
when you knew I'd mess up
but would at some point bow

Am I a human or am I something else?
A being made of cloth, sewn together with thread that was thought to be strong.
I can remember the piece of the needle that brought pieces of me together as well as the cut that ripped my seams apart years later.
I felt whats stuffed inside pour out as I lay there forgotten and unwanted, thrown upon the floor of an abandoned house.
Will I be here forever, begin to become moth eaten and decayed?
Destroyed fabric as time marches on
Weathered rusted needles in the tim Dusty thread on a high up shelf
and forgotten thimbles roll across the ground.

The world will never be as we expect
all I want is to see you alright
but I'm struggling to be ok too.

We don't learn
the real monsters don't hide from you anymore
because they live in your head
want you to end your suffering
but only if you'll do them a favor and wind up dead.

A jet black heart controls me
I am my own strife.
And you've been uninvited,
you're excused from my life.

You're taking breath away
from lungs that don't care
so do what you want with me
as I breathe in the already polluted air.
I laugh
as I'm dying slowly, painfully,
just living through the next few years.

And you're starting to see it in me
noticing why I'm so careless with what God had once given me.

Standing in the shadows,
waiting for you on the dark corner of an abandoned restuarant where I used to feel safe away from home
I'm just the freak girl with hidden hopes, sight losing eyes, and fading green hair that'll forever keep its color, still undyed, even after I'm dead.

Can you hear the tv static too
or is this just for me?
Welling up in my thoughts I feel sick.
Constantly....
I am so very sick,
watching seconds swim by
I can suddenly hear every clock in the world overwhelmingly tick.

Falling away fast from this life
I don't have much time left.
But anymore I don't see why it'd be such a bother.

Switch to something else to get the pain gone and see us continuously press pause on it,
contemplating the antidote
then we revert back to hit Go.
I feel bad to make God suffer
as he'll have to watch me,
rip my life apart.
I'm a monster on my own,
I tear myself up
without needing the devils claws.

Behind the smiles
are wilted goodbyes
things that never saw the light.
Whatever couldn't escape
is trapped within me
and my dark mysterious lagoons.

500 slashes mark the light skin
black lips smile in a friendly way
I say hello to you, old friends.

I thought I left these woods,
I'd cleaned myself up
brushed the dirt off
and rose from the muddy grounds.
But then again, maybe not.

I ran as fast as I could
and made it pretty far
so I thought I was out completely,
though I guess I was terribly wrong.

I thought I'd seen the sun rise finally today,
but it was nothing but it's light passing through all these trees.
One day if I try hard enough I'll be rewarded with a full view.

In reality it really was just the daytime, for a while
though I missed it after years of roaming the night restlessly
then falling asleep much too early.

The long awaited sunset arrived soon after I fought with myself to try living,
and it was the most marvelous, beautiful thing.
Until once again I relapsed,
I gave up,
and fell all the way down to the darkest hole.

Trudging along in horror filled swamplands
possibly worse than it was before,
with each and every shadow an old fear returning in me,
witnessing every sound, each movement
I'm frozen
caught with the markings on my wrist after it all
because I thought the blood would've took it away.
Since the red coming from inside slipping down and resting smeared among the color of my skin calmed me temporarily,
and the tears that came with it felt healthy,
I was reminded of a sunrise I'd once witnessed days long ago passed.
Will I ever learn that if i let it,
the happiness could last?
Maybe that'll be the time I stop looking forward,
moving backwards,
to another 'mistaken' relapse.

Close your eyes to things that make you blind.
You know what makes you hurt.
Yet you still allow it,
once again, forgetting your own worth.

Close your heart
to the things that only scar,
you hold the knife to yourself
thinking it's someone elses sword.
Always letting pain take over happiness,
forgetting how strong you are.
Instead of your own upliftable thoughts,
you decide taking someone else's word.

Regain some control
stop me if I'm wrong,
you only seek love but can't hold it for very long.
You say you're trying to seek 'God'
but you're realistically just infatuated with the humans who are only singing songs.
You live for the lyrics,
but forget to live them out.
Have you actually forgotten what Church is all about?
Going every week,
faking strength as an image,
yet somehow, you're always feeling weak.

Every service raising your hands high above your head
without even the tiniest ounce of any regret.
Refusing to understand the meaning,
outside church surrendering repetitively to sins instead.
But still,
every Sunday like clockwork you're returning to repent.

Don't you know the damage you're doing to Gods perfect gift,
your own soul?
Selling it away to nothingness,
lost promises
never acknowledging the hurt you put onto yourself,
sweeping under the rug, it's toll.


Oh why do you do this to the one true God?
Smiling sweetly as you plan the lies you'll send to us,
but you know you can't possibly fool The One above?
Don't you know he can see right through?
There's nothing God can't protect you from.
Unless of course, you choose for your own worst enemy to be constantly, literally, you.

Staring up at the stars
running hands over the old scars
playing with my own heart as I lay awake.
God I really miss the past when no one cared,
Hell, it's really the same even now, because I'm still so unprepared.

I have at this point pretty much given up the effort of life.
Got a million things always gluing themselves to my brain,
not letting go, the plaguing memories attacking my rest each night.

And I've been thinking,
thinking maybe one last one,
and with my emptying feelings unchanging,
I just might.

Looking at all the lines I've drawn
all the progress made since then...
But no matter how long ago,
my body still begs for rewrites.
And I dont have enough heart left to say no,
that it should be lost back in time.
Yet for some unknown annoying reason everything around me screams to "wait"  I scream back "Why?"
"Because things can still change,
that my thoughts may rearrange".

So if I'm trying to be smart,
who shouldn't I give in to,
whatevers in me wants the red art.
My heart or my brain,
when both of them make me feel like in a single wrong move I'll somehow end up insane.

But who do I trust,
a future myself dreaming,
or as always, a quick fall back to the blood after reminiscing,
the hidden part of me who will always remember the feel, the freedom, brought by the savage selfharm lust.

Why shouldn't I cut
if it hurts no one else,
and no one else knows?

So what does it matter if I give in,
give this demon inside me what it wants?
I'm already dying, already losing
forcing myself into unfair competition and unmanageable choosing...

So why on Earth shouldn't I just cut?
If I'll never seriously want to leave, forever longing the warmth given in these blood filled daydreams.
Why fake the happiness when it's truly a grave?
when I can just stop,
let it happen,
and smile for real when I'm laying quietly and alone
in my shallow, self fulfilling rut.