Staring up at the stars
running hands over the old scars
playing with my own heart as I lay awake.
God I really miss the past when no one cared,
Hell, it's really the same even now, because I'm still so unprepared.

I have at this point pretty much given up the effort of life.
Got a million things always gluing themselves to my brain,
not letting go, the plaguing memories attacking my rest each night.

And I've been thinking,
thinking maybe one last one,
and with my emptying feelings unchanging,
I just might.

Looking at all the lines I've drawn
all the progress made since then...
But no matter how long ago,
my body still begs for rewrites.
And I dont have enough heart left to say no,
that it should be lost back in time.
Yet for some unknown annoying reason everything around me screams to "wait"  I scream back "Why?"
"Because things can still change,
that my thoughts may rearrange".

So if I'm trying to be smart,
who shouldn't I give in to,
whatevers in me wants the red art.
My heart or my brain,
when both of them make me feel like in a single wrong move I'll somehow end up insane.

But who do I trust,
a future myself dreaming,
or as always, a quick fall back to the blood after reminiscing,
the hidden part of me who will always remember the feel, the freedom, brought by the savage selfharm lust.

Why shouldn't I cut
if it hurts no one else,
and no one else knows?

So what does it matter if I give in,
give this demon inside me what it wants?
I'm already dying, already losing
forcing myself into unfair competition and unmanageable choosing...

So why on Earth shouldn't I just cut?
If I'll never seriously want to leave, forever longing the warmth given in these blood filled daydreams.
Why fake the happiness when it's truly a grave?
when I can just stop,
let it happen,
and smile for real when I'm laying quietly and alone
in my shallow, self fulfilling rut.

If I could leave notches in my bones
maybe then I wouldnt feel so alone.
The blood spilling out makes me feel like I actually have a home...
And this pain inside,
it's all I've ever deserved.

It's too hard to exist this way without release
my promise to you was a straight jacket to me...

"No more cutting"
I promise...
when I only want to bleed.

Let's take time,
and look out at the stars
close our eyes,
letting wind gently rock our hammock
●
Lets thank God.
for helping us join our hearts,
keeping us alive until we stumble to eachother from the dark
unexpectedly at some point, but right on Gods perfect time
●
I havent known you forever although now that seems untrue,
every day spent wonderfully, fantastically with you

so today if I can feel it, if I'm not too afraid to try it,
I'll sing a song
to remember then when I met you
●
It filled me up with light,
That something in your eye,
I still can't seem to take my mine off you,
you're even written into my mind
●
I didnt plan to look up at you that moment
I didnt want to fall in love
but it seems as though God had more plans for us than friendship, when he was watching from above
●
all the words you say, everything you do
you're such a good person i fall for you even deeper,
it inspires me to be my best self too
●
So if you lead, me I'll follow you,
Under the stars,
on Gods path,
my heart is yours.
if you speak only the truth.
●
And at the end of the day,
when all light in the sky has faded away,
I want nothing more,
than for you to hold my hand,
look into my eyes
and say
"Yes, I promise you,
I'll always wait for you,
we wont burn out or fall away like shooting stars"

Sinking down and now I'm gone,
I cannot seem to breathe,
I've lost it all,
my everything,
All these heartfelt promises and I couldn't keep one

As I stumble through the dark,
I somehow caught sight of your loving heart
You made me whole again,
holy again
do you have those memories too?

Breaking down this empty mess
I want you in my heart,
your unending love,
all I'm "supposed" to feel
make this heart beat like its brand new
please heal me.

I know for real this time
who I am, what I need to be
and I am not alone
because these chains were meant to break
●
And I will watch the water rise without fear
I know God will lift me high again,
I'm trying.

Through the suffering and the pain I will rise up once again,
as my soul says goodbye to sea floors below
with the glory placed upon your name
these Chains will always break
●
I wont be afraid to break,
if only it's in Your name
I wont fall,
I wont let You fade

I will learn to fight again, God
I know this isn't the end
even when I'm screaming that I'm alone
You still call me Your friend

your atmosphere calms and heals
you bring the sleeping souls back
you force our eyes awake

everything in your power you'll do to help those who live
those whose chains were meant to break
●
Rescue me and my heart will change,
I'll finally see light and be ok
you ripped me from this swirling head
when I couldn't seem to find my way

I cannot see these fading scars
except the days when you fade in my heart
the hurt I thought drove me this far
when ive forgotten
and I can't gather myself to pray.

Everything lost because I
can't see the way you gave me
dragging my unfilled soul through this empty place
but if I toughen up
if I decide to remember you
I know these chains will break
●
But you always seem to be right there
even when I forget my prayers
you've got me

with you I'll never fall too deep
my soul is caught in your embrace,
one day after death I'll get to see your face

fear escapes me,
your love it changes me
and inner demons stand no chance
when I'm seeing red
you start to put more holy words in my head
Ill wake up and walk away
from the ideas of old
without an enraged trance.

my thoughts go to you
all the choices here I can make
if only and ONLY if I live in your word
My dark chains will be forever off me
Finally, these chains may break
●
I came into this empty place
with my heart in hell
and my soul held in your gaze
Some way in my head I hear your voice
and now I have to make that choice
again
which path to follow
to smile or wallow
but I know these chains were meant to break
●
My heart cant see anymore of my pain
I no longer hide my faith
I no longer hide my face
throughout my lifetime I'm saved by your everloving grace
and no longer have to fear or feign
no longer lose hope or disdain
I knew with effort
i could break these chains
●
I walked through the darkness
I've got life back on track again
I ripped apart my old life like snake skin
and decided to write only for you,
though it took me many years to pick up from where I should have always been
but God has forgiven all my mistakes
And these chains were made to break.

Very truly I tell you, I love you
We speak of what we know
You live to please humans but forget who is above

Do you not have eyes?
Why do you cast them down?
Do you not have any faith left in the Lord?

You feed your soul with the words you speak,
Outwardly we are wasting away,
no one said kindness should make you look weak.

Oh Lord remember me as I remember you
We try to wear the armor of God
We try to make our lips speak the truth
Some of us scream in silence, conditioned to be quiet the world around us
Some of us even by our own parents.

Oh sweet gospel of peace
Let us give thanks to the lives we all live
Gospel of peace sweet is your name
Jesus, our savior, he took all of the blame

memories I leave with you,
my heart I give to you
At the foot of the cross, I will remain.
Existing to please you,
crying out
to seek the truth
-
Fight as you can but not with your fists,
let your soul shine in its wonder
but be careful how you live.

Let no one deceive you with empty words
Bring out all the hope in me,
let the kindness pour.

And walk in the way of love, of light, make a blinding path
Do not let your heart be troubled
God is always there in the aftermath.

Pull it straight from the rubble,
Your heart will be your sword
Forget about the downers
They may think their own ways are right but nothing outweighs the Lord

Beautiful soul, come on let's go,
Will you listen to those who deceive
or the God who allowed you to first breathe?
Hurting inside,
you know what they speak are lies

You must remember that you reap what you sow.
Do you look towards the God who can enable?
He who amplifies you,
or just any random foe?

Once I was tattered
cut up, ripped apart
over time I learned not to
and God healed my heart

it's so strange how the transition began
being saved
forced to change
gaining all hope to love, understand

one day i was a cutter
until i looked into his eyes
I heard someone elses voice
and knew it was time to stop
to try something,
rejoice

to make myself new
I let God step in and guide me
He would help me with what alone I had never dreamed I could do

Scars started fading fast
new cuts never came
I started going to church
started praising his name

He gave me someone who helped me want to live
someone that someday will deserve everything I'll want to give

and the snakeskin started falling
I shed my old life behind me
for once in my life I looked at the future, another living day as a definite possibility.

I've sat under the stars weeping for death, sitting there in your arms
then the next day in the sun feeling love, you praying for me, stopping my self harm

before we knew that God had planned this for us
the moment I'll never forget, the park, so late at night...
you held me and I held my breath

I cried
let everything out from inside
told you I just wanted to die

I couldnt face another day at home
you told me your story
how God saved you,
how He redeemed your soul.
and how you live to show His glory.

you helped me make a decision soon after
to let darkness consume me?
or I could choose to walk away,
trust in Him,
leave it all at the altar

All my life I wanted to be saved
it was something I hated
yet inside my heart craved
even though I enjoyed the depression
God did it in the way where He made sure His holy presence made an unforgettable impression

I looked time and time again but didnt choose to believe
I fell into heartache, into agony, constantly falling and laying there upon the ground
venturing further into grief

i looked to the darkness to cope
i never knew that I was weak
so I let my future go
it was the devils only job to unfold me
it was his pleasure to unweave

But God didnt let me stay there
he dragged me up above the ground
I was ignoring His voice actively
so He gave me another, different sound

Loves voice pierced my blindness
it peeled back  my wall and forced me to see
I could make the effort to know you
or live in my misery

So God sent me first an Angel for protecting my life
and then an Angel to save my soul
He interrupted my dark hateful nights with a hopeful knight of Earths own

and the snakeskin started falling
I started moving forward
for the first time in my life I wanted to see the future

another living day,
another better way
so I kept going to church
I kept praising his name

and the snakeskin was molted
I was saved and I was loved.
by myself,
a new family, friends and others,
but more importantly by God above

and the snakeskin fell off slowly
it took some time but I was on the right track
There are still times I feel troubled and have to allow myself to look back
through the dusty window, my past
now only visible through thin and fading cracks

but only ever to help others
to bring them forth and help them BE
The girl that I once was that wanted to erase my sad existence
is now thanking God for making me, see

I'll remember His light is enough
now I see the invisible red lines on my skin not as they used to be,
all those cuts...

im overwhelmed by the red letters of Jesus,
the power of His words
everytime I think of blades now
its replaced by righteous swords

everytime I feel like crying, giving up and falling down
I put on another worship song
and I'm wrapped within those chords

I've made it another day
ive lasted another year
and all it took was losing the snakeskin
that held me down before I got here

and the snakeskin disappeared
like I never thought it would
I've successfully run away
escaped the darkened life I've feared
I never thought how my soul was ever good enough to be by God and rightfully commandeered

I look forward to the heavens
I see all He has sent me
I see my life now just as I should
a boyfriend beside me, a happy life in front of me,
and the knowledge that God is always good

I cant hold it in anymore
I feel like my heart will explode
i know you dont want to deal with me
it's time for me to go

i feel my body failing, giving up
as i hold on to my silver friend
I'm sorry it had to be this way
God wasnt with me in the end

if I don't start cutting it all away
I'm afraid that I'll finally have those words to say
"**** it, my time is done here"
and end my life today

the words "just let me rot" keep resonating in my head
you try to make me smile, "feel better" instead
but maybe that's Gods way,
of assuring me to cope
to get through all the words that have been said
how to survive myself,
maybe I just need to see the red.

Even if it's the last time, just once more
I cant feel any happiness knowing God might not ever let me through his door
but I understand where he comes from
I wouldn't let me in either
because, after all
I'm nothing but a sinner